Mamma Mamma MAMMA mamma MUM!!!! mamma mamma mamma mammma MAMMA MAMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

It is true what they say about hurting those we love the most. How to you stop?

I cannot believe how intolerant I am these days. I seem to be angry about everything. Poor Ella, yes, she is being naughty in places but there are also the times that she really does not mean to tip milo on the carpet three times in a row, in fact it is my fault for letting her have it in a cup. But still she gets the telling off and the classic 'BE CAREFUL' I am so sick of saying that and getting the tongue clicking Tsk Tsk parroted back at me!

There is a moment before I react to something she has done, it is crystal clear and if there was parenting Olympics I would win gold.................but most of the time that bubble bursts and I react with 70's classic parenting style, all yelling, angry, saying hurtful things like go away or even a smack on a well padded nappy.

The biggest thing that sends me over the edge is a habit Ella and most likely all children have of her age and that is repeatedly saying Mamma over and over the worst of it is that she continues until I hold eye contact and then two seconds later it is the same. All blooming day. My only respite is eating and TV.

I always feel so bad when I yell at her that I always try to make it up in some way for example when she got up I put the baby to sleep so I could spend some quality time with my eldest, except she had other ideas and wanted to whinge and do none of the things available.........makes me wish I had never made an effort, just continued with the housework and let her watch TV earlier. Essentially the same result except now not only to I feel a bad parent I feel a rejected parent as well.

I guess this is one of those learning curves and I know that when I am a worldly parent of teenagers I will look back at this and think water off a ducks back! I will get there.

Hey dummy

I do not want to put a curse upon myself, but it has been three days without a dummy and two nights of sleeping through! FECK YEAH. Too early to bask in my parenting glory, it could be a coincidence or the fact CH is not here????? I guess tonight will tell

OMG!!!!

Sisters everywhere, get upon your knees and raise your hands in the air and give me a huge HELL YEAH!

I have been having one of those 'woe is me weeks' these delicious modern miracles hauled me from the brink of despair and plunged me headfirst into a milo filled pool of gluttony.

Seriously ladies, bite the ends off and suck through milo goodness, not too much mind and you will have the most amazing rich and sticky scrummy hunk of love................

Bloody lovely, spend the fruit and vege buget on something nice for a change!

Wearing only a towel

I have just sat down. My shoulders with the ache of the week past, my head hurts and my nose is running and I have the shortest fuse known to man. Although I have just put my first born to bed I can still hear the constant bleat of MAMMA.....MAMMA...MAMMMA echoing around my head.

It has been a long week of solo parenting and thankfully CH gets home tonight. I knew the week was going to be a challenge but to be fair it had a cracker start. CH sent me off for a suprise massage as thanks for being my lovely self. I must admit to almost breaking out in hives at the thought of going 'oh my god, stranger rubbing me in oil, most likely the fattest and most hideous she has seen in her career............................shit must shave legs and underarms...............whoops I have not been drying between my toes properly and they are horrid, how embarrassing......TOENAILS or in my case claws.....' It really was fantastic and not the horrendous experience I was bracing myself for, the woman was lovely the place was serene and the massage was well worth it. I really want to go and take advantage of all else the have on offer, Indian head massage....I nearly go weak at the knees at the thought of that one. They use stones for one of the massages, I wonder if I bring my own do I get it cheaper?

Five Months today Pops!

Happy Birthday Darling............................now perhaps you can give Mama the birthday present and sleep through or just wake the once.............................................please

Currently waking every 15 - 30 mins at night. REALLY hard work. We have just about tried everything, now I have a new theory, could it be the Dummy's fault as she has no problems going to sleep but wakes when the dummy falls out.

Duc tape anybody?

Well today we are going cold turkey on the dummy and could be a hard couple of days but really they cannot be worse than the nights. Any hints and tips greatrefully received.

Strike

This morning dawned to our trusty laboratory workers, fart, roll over and snuggle their heads further under duvets for a wee holiday. A 48 hour wee holiday in fact, for that is how long they are striking on our DHB because they want a 20% pay increase.

20% increase, who the hell are they kidding! It sounds so outlandish to me that they might have well asked for a 50% pay increase. Geez I would just like to get paid. For all I know they may only be getting minimum wage and a 20% rise may well be justified. I doubt this.

You callous wanking bastards, I well remember the last time those lazy shameful rash pricks held us to ransom. It was just before Christmas when my two week old baby was severely ill and airlifted to a Special Care Baby Unit. Without the lab tests our doctors had no idea and all they did was throw as many drugs at her as they could with the hope one would work. It was like throwing darts in a dark room full of kittens. Thankfully for me that nightmare ended but for how many unsuspecting others out there, is it just beginning.

Speaking of kittens, I do find it a little funny that our cherished government passed a law in which cats must be well fed and have shelter and warmth and trying to pass a anti smacking law, what about a ANTI STRIKE LAW ON ALL ESSENTIAL SERVICES TO FECKIN HEALTH LAW!

Radiographers are next. I am already panicking about the women who are pregnant and if something goes wrong during the strike time, what happens? I am grimacing, that has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, having problems antenatal and not knowing if the life you carry within you is there or gone. Look I do not really care about broken bones and things as there are drugs for that, how about put those empty time slots to good use and scan for any signs of a conscience.

I have mammoth loathing of being held to ransom. I recoil at the thought of giving into these people. We all should be responsible for the choices we make in life. If I wanted heaps of money I could have chosen a field in which had the capacity to earn it. Alternatively I would work really hard to be the top of the field and be well sought after. No point training to scoop ice cream and then complain about not getting chefs wages.

I guess the worst of it is, what if they actually got a pay rise of 20%, how long will it take for them to think, well that went well, shall we go another round. I guess you have to bank on them being fair and reasonable in the future....................is a 20% pay rise fair and reasonable now?

Giving these people a pay rise is REWARDING BAD BEHAVIOUR!

I hope and pray that all will be fine for the duration of the strikes. I fear that someone will have to die before this is stopped. I hope I am wrong

Go stick a torch up your arse!

Now I mean that nicely.

A dear friend called me this weekend to ask for my worldly parenting advice. Unfortunately I still have my pull ups on and have much to learn. Her question was "How do you know if your child has worms" I really have no idea as that little bit of life's adventure is still one I am yet to experience. My only experience is with my cat and when she had a crap inside there were worms in it. So of course that was my answer. By this point I was on speaker phone talking to a rather jovial table of merry people. It came out that NO apparently there is better ways than sorting through you child's crap as the worms would only be there once you had wormed your darling. A more experienced parent at said table, lets call him 'Giggles' said what you really do is in the night, grab a torch, sneak into you childs bedroom and shine it up their ring piece!

Which begs the questions,

1.Is this true?
2.Was the Civic creche incident, only worm hunting?
3.Is that what "Giggles's" father used to tell his mother what he was doing?
4.Has conversation round the ole bar leaner got so poor that you are discussing worms and parasites(other that the ones sitting on the bar stools) Blooming heck I am glad I am married as that is just sad.

Happy Easter

What can be more lovely than being awoken by a snuffling and crunching toddler as she follows and eats her way through a trail of mini M&M's leading to huge exclamations over pictured choccie bunny.

Sharing chocolate for brekkie, definitely wondering if they are my children. Who shares chocolate?

It has been a wonderful weekend we really have not done much but that in itself has been the attraction.

I am thankful of the current Easter trading law for without that our weekend would have been completely different as it was Jason still ended up at work on Friday and Saturday. The shops were absolutely crazy on Thursday who would have thought that two days of no trading could create such panic. Quite pathetic really.

You should see my pantry as this weekend I bottled homemade spaghetti and every time I open the doors and catch site of my weekends work I am so proud. Did I also mention that we now have a chest freezer? So exciting, I can freeze all overflow of produce and buy in bulk. CH is a an even worse geek as his first reaction to us finally getting an ice box is getting excited about what containers we could buy to store things neatly in!!!!!!!!!!!

Currently in our freezer we have loads of fish and an almost complete wild pig. An amazing thing has happened of late, CH is starting to feel almost as passionate about producing our own food and gathering locally as I do. Finally years of ranting seems to be taking effect, either that or he has just lost the will to live. I have been growing my own vegies eight years now and still consider myself with much to learn. I have decided not to put a winter crop in this year as the soil is so bad and have chosen to spend the winter preparing the soil for next summer. Already I am excited about it and cannot wait until we have a property of our own. I will need ten freezers to cope.

This weekend Blenheim has been bombarded with the drone of many aircraft, to be honest I had seen the signs and heard the advertisements but really took no notice....yawn.

BUT something about the sheer mass of planes seems to awoken my inner trainspotter, squadrons of real and replica planes flying in formations of over twenty planes above you home is a sight and sound to behold. The noise was so powerful you felt it and even was a little terrified for the pilots(not to mention if one dropped on my little part of the world, yep there goes my anxiety). This was the type of event that would give aircraft enthusiasts a hard on for the entire weekend, lack of blood to the brain and mass fainting everywhere.

On the fifth day she rose again

Tis true, yesterday was the first day in which I was able to get out of bed and actually leave the house. It has been close to an open sewer this week at our home as we all have been stuck down with the most violent ab wrenching vomiting and runny arse that I have ever experienced. Extremely contagious basically everyone we spoke to ended up with it, nasty stuff,

It has been my most religious easter preparation ever as the entire lead up was spent upon my knees, gripping the water cistern yelling oh god........OH GOD. Admittedly I wish I had been able to use that last phrase in a different manner.

Geez I must have been a wanker in a past life as it is Easter(my favourite holiday no less) and all I can bloody stomach is the plainest of mashed spud and almost stale bread.

On the upside I have lost a few Kg's of late but being an illness I will most likely find them again.

No more silly diets ladies, I have saved all my water bottle lids so just send $50 and a self addresed envelope to my address and you too will be pooing in no time.

'Thanks Jody, I feel like I have discovered the secret to life.........'

'Oh without Jody's help and letting me lick her lids all those donuts I was eating would have stayed in my body'

Vote jody for your local MP and free hammers for all!

I think I suffer from chronic stress.

To make that announcement actually is quite a relief. For some time now I have been thinking I must be dying from some unknown crippling disease. I have been feeling so poorly of late that to feel this bad within myself something horrible must be going on.

I know as a parent it is normal for your anxiety levels to sky rocket but I am also aware of my once little foibles growing and taking over my entire existence. I am over anxious and it is not healthy not only do I worry about everything I do and the outcome of everything I do but I also worry about possible outcomes and maybes that may or may not occur depending on what colour socks I have on at the time.

I have always been a day dreamer and time spent alone with my thoughts is something I cherish, most of the time I feel lucky I can escape to the comfort of my thoughts but of late I am being invaded. I tend to think of myself as a glass is half full kinda gal but incidental thoughts seem to consist of image after image of scary horror movies and it is these that terrify me. I could be shampooing my hair one moment and in the next I can see my toddler getting hold of the carving knife and making sushi out of my youngest…..are the knives secure? Could I hear if something went wrong? What else could go wrong? What would I do? These thoughts are unrelenting. I am becoming obsessed with things that needle into my sub conscious until proven wrong. For example ever since those poor fellows drowned when their concrete truck plunged into the sea I have been wondering, if that were to happen to a normal car what would happen? You could not open the doors, you could not open the windows unless they were manual, and You and your family are fucked. Is this true? Should we all put a hammer in the glove box? Anyhoo last night upon our travel home to Blenheim along the coast, I was terrified, sweating, breathing heavily and fricking relieved once inland. What a geek.

I watched a programme on stress yesterday and I seem to have all the symptoms of chronic stress and this being over anxious is just one of the symptoms I could put a tick next to. The heartening fact that comes out of this doco is that stress is normally on a cycle and as it peaks it will also go down, this week I reached my peak and now I am waiting for it to subside and it is. Something scary happened, I could write a list of reasons why I am exhausted but why bother as that would not change the fact of what is. One night last week at the end of a very long day I could see me smothering my child just for some quiet time. Visualising with such accuracy I can still see it, I cannot tell you what is worse the fact I could see myself doing it or the fact I could understand why women before me have done it.

I guess the up shot of this is that I asked for help, well not really but by my standards I have. I told CH I needed more of a hand and I am writing to release and process.

I have much to process and man I wish I had broadband as I could write so much more and what a healthy well adjusted person I would be. How boring.

Im Baaaaaaaaaaaaaack

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

Thanks to Cathie for my little map of the world, here I was thinking I was fairly well travelled only to discover I have some way to go.

Yes I have been away on holiday and to be honest I need some rest and sleep befor I even consider writing on this blog.

Does it count that I actually think about writing every day but never seem to get down time to do it. However stay tuned for next week I have a plan xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Photo update

I have been so crap at updating you all on photos lately, here is Ella and her fella Tom(sadly ditched her and went down south) I miss you Sharyn! Here is Pops, 14 weeks old and still rules the roost and forever smiling as long as you do what she wants of course.

It is often said, 'If you have nothing nice to say then perhaps you are best saying nothing at all'

Hence the lack of blogs.

The story so far, as I am sure you are more than well aware our first potential section buying experience was not the best. We moved on and found a fantastic new section.

A large section with all amentities all on site!
YAY!

Not in a sub division so no restrictions!
YAY!

Someone else put in an offer before us,
BOO...............

The other offer expired and we were free to make an offer!
YAY!

Made an offer and had the nod and a wink of being successful!
YOU LITTLE RIPPER!
(Already had everything laid out in my head)

Found out why the previous offer fell over, Resource consent had just been given for transient accomodation directly behind and a backpackers next door. You fuckers.

We have withdrawn our offer.

I am not sure if it has been the stress of this or what it is but I have had the worst time of it in the last week or two and just feel dog tired most of the time. Ella has been somewhat trying and I have had much time being a solo parent of late and cannot say I enjoy it. Although there are some big advantages. Upon reflection I cannot even say that CH does much in the child rearing stakes for the hour that he sees his off spring, so what is it that can make solo parenting hard?
I suspect that it is not so much the help he gives me but the opportunity for me to yell and exspress some of the days frustrations at someone else other than my terrific toddler. Poor bastard. Would you want to come home to that?

I am getting my hair cut next Thursday, most excited. Although there is a slim chance of not actually having any hair by then. My hair is falling out horricfically. It happened with Ella at the twelve week mark and once I hit that point this time around, with no hair falling out I was rapt.
How silly of me to believe MY memory, I can barely remember what I had for lunch yesterday and there I was taking a date from my own head as gospel. Sigh It is so bad that the floor is covered with hair, every where. To wash my hair actually makes me cry as it is hand full after handful that I need to clear the plug hole a couple of times over with each shower. Last time as if to rub deep heat right into my arse crack the hair grew back grey........................at least it grew back I suppose.

I was supposed to have been dieting and exercising for the last month so I could wear some old clothes..........................ahhh no. In fact I have put weight on as when I feel hard done by I just have to eat crap and oh my god have you had a Kit Kat cookie dough flavour? Oh My god, they are rocking my world, go on treat yourself today.

What to do, I have so much grey and fortnightly hair dying is not an option as bi-annually is much more accurate. I actually have a wish to shave it all off and start again with a blank canvas only I am not a Britney and would look far too butch and would most likely send me right to the looney bin.

You Pricks

Although I would be lying if I said I was gutted about not obtaining the section in Seddon, but I still hate being screwed.

Here is the short version of the story. We rang Summit Realestate and were told about a section in our price range in Seddon. The flyer said 110'ooo. Although at the top of our buget(as it had no services) we offered 95. The vendor declined, which is fine so we offered 100. The vendor hung up on the Realestate agent. Rude but fine. We then increased our offer to 105, the bastard was no where to be found. We had just given up hope when CH rang the agent and said what the hell was the story. The agent then said that the vendor really wanted 110 and would sell at that. Fine 110 but that is it. A couple more days of silence and then the vendor comes back with 125'000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Mutha fecker, All I can say is you Wellington underhanded arsewipe.

Man it pisses me off as we were within reach of our dream for our family only to have some fellow piss all over the carrot we were chasing, thank you very much you utter utter cock.

Seddon

Further to the late breaking news I shared with you earlier, absolutely nothing positive has happened.

We had our first offer declined so we put in another offer and the vendor seems to have fallen off the edge of the world. Marvellous.

Not saying anymore as this is mostly a family blog.

Tea for two

Why is it when you seem to be already drowning in the events of the day, you go ahead and throw a little something something to ensure your stress headaches keeps on throbbing.

Today was spent going to a new playgroup, grocery shopping, washing, handmaking chocolates, Florentines and my gooey lemon square(which I completely fucked, using cornflour instead of icing sugar)

To top off my day I had an amazing idea of having a special meal with my nearly two year old daughter. I fully set the table, put out a small lovely home cooked buffet, three dishes, big girl cups and set up the chair so Ella could be a big girl and not in her high chair.

What the hell was I thinking.

I never should have done it. Already prior to dinner I was considering hiding in the corner rocking and sucking my sleeve. Today was the first time I understood what experienced battle weary parents mean when they say that one day you will wish your child could not talk. Constant tinfoil chewing gabble, the same crap over and over and over with a reaccuring theme of NO no NO no NO NO NO NO NO no

I guess I had a vision and wanted to share a lovely moment with my eldest and had fully convinced myself that because I had gone to so much effort, Ella would all of a sudden hold a conversation, eat like a well mannered child and I would be basking in my good parenting glory.

Reality was…… big girl cup poured over the table and dishes, food flung from table top to chair leg, tanties galore, food not tasting good unless it was off my plate and even then refusing to eat a meal most adults would kill for. Whilst yelling Dadda, Dadda !.............................................friggin Dadda, Dadda is away and it is the first time I have been left to wrangle these two by myself for a long period of time.

Duelling Banjo's

I think perhaps I am an arse chaser.

No, not the kind I am in my wildest dreams…….(excuse me while I day dream for a moment…..........right to continue) but the kind that is always busy, several projects on the go and of course all with scary nigh on impossible time frames. PANIC, pressure galore all with no end in sight, as I keep bringing this shit upon myself.

Yes, this is a constant theme that seems to fall out of CH’s mouth on a regular basis but to be geeky and honest I take so much joy in doing things for others that is quite unexpected. I am THAT person who gets pissed off when the motorist driving in front of me is courteous and has the foresight to let another car in the traffic flow. Prick! I wanted to be that person!

Anyhoo as usual this week I have a foot long list of things to achieve and to spice things up a little we just put an offer on a section in Seddon.

SON of a BISCUIT!!! We have done it again, accidentally had a spare moment, run out and done something stupid. Man, a day off with us is more akin to watching Crack Whores loot a pharmacy, very relaxing. It gets worse the bank would not lend us the desired amount so we will have to sell our home in Christchurch and to place us further on the shit house slide, we have come up with an idea to relocate a house that needs much work. Oh yes this should work as we are so very practical…………I am giggling hysterically.

Seddon, of all the imagined shit house places this could almost take the cake. About twenty minutes from Blenheim but has larger sections, affordable to young one income families like ourselves. If we do this right we will be that much closer to our lifestyle dream, fingers crossed. Sadly, I can barely acknowledge the fact we will be losing our home, I am actually quite emotional about it and am feeling a great sense of loss. I guess I will process that over the next few weeks…..you lucky readers.

Now I do apologise for lack of blogs as we have not had Norton's. We now do hence the blog BUT I also am very busy over the next week or two so expect the same timeframes between entries.

Situations Vacant

I have always been of the opinion that people tend to come and go from your life as needed. My transition into the weird and wonderful world of Beaver Town was made so much easier by my trusty shazza(No I have not turned carpet muncher, Blenheim really used to be called Beaver Town)

As with all good things they must end sometime. Shazza and her family have decided to move to Ashburton and that is punishment enough. No I am not being Mrs Venom mouth as I have lived there and do know a thing or two about the place. In fact my family still live there(even more motavation to never buy Realestate). Besides there are no better reasons to move than the reasons why she is doing it, and it simply cannot be easy to leave someone as witty and beautiful as myself.

Mind you things have possibly moved on since I was a lusty teenager in Ash Vegus when the pickings for fellows with a job with no obvious retardation and their own teeth were slim. But on the plus side they all had their own white freezing work gumboots. Swings and roundabouts I guess.

This aside, I need a new person at the top of my Beaver Town speedial list. Applications are being taken now. Various pre-requisites involving simple confectionery making skills, a pop quiz on historical and current TV hotties, general affliation to The Food and Living network, to be motavational and inspiring on exercise, being on the bones of ones arse with kids would help, but absolutely no bones of the arse to be seen as a love of food is all important. However I am an equal opportunity employer and I am prepared to look outside the square and perhaps I could grow to like soy. Unfortunately seed and lettuce eating, Ace of Base listening and Yackity Yack ME me's need not apply as you are not right for this band.

Monday, baking day

If you looked up the word Maternal today I am sure the explanation would be along the lines of,

Maternal-Not Jody.

Yes, the big Ella homecoming has not completely gone to plan as someone replaced our angelic cherub with a....lets choose my words carefully here................WANKER.......ummm....yep that just about covers it.

Seriously this screaming, head rotating, snot filled hitting demon and I did not get off to the best start this morning. In fact when CH rang earlier to ask how our day was going going her asked where was I as my voice was echoing. I told him I had locked me, myself and I into the bathroom. He laughed and said "That would be funny" and yes it would be if it was not true.

I blame me knickers. Seriously, undies are the foundation of your day and mine are riding to places best not spoken of. The real problem is that it has been ongoing, days of uncomfortable panties and much backing into corners and quickly wretching your G-String like full bloomers from your builders crack. In fact if you looked into those who have gone completely postal over the years, was the question ever asked "Are you having a good knicker day?" lets stop further crimes and lobby your local MP to bring in legislation to outlaw cheap undies and put an expiry date on all undergarmets. Good quality briefs for everyone!

Have all my knicker elastic failed at the same time? Or perhaps.....no I cannot even utter this thought for the fear of it not being true...........................Did those two nights of aquacise classes, shrink my rear end? Geez if this is how it should be I would surely exercise more often. Sadly I guess it is just the elastic.

However today does start the eating better routine. Not dieting as that is really not me but I wish to eat a lot less crap, no more icecream with all the trimmings every night or nailing a couple boxes of choccies a week and not completely eating all my own baking. Team that with eating the odd bit of fruit and vege and drinking a bit more water, I will be full of energy in no time.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What a start to the morning.

I woke up and looked at the time and it was 8.20!!! feck I slept in, whay had Jason not woken me? was he late for work or just left Ella in front of the telly.........................I sprinted out of bed wearing only pillow marks and a line of sleep drool, bowled open the lounge door and expected to see Ella in her usual eyes glued to the TV state. But no. The house was indeed quiet and obviously empty?

It was then it really dawned on me. What a dick I am. Ella went to stay with her Nana yesterday. I have only Poppy to look after and Oh my god, what a blooming holiday it is and how Poppy really is a different baby when I get to spend lots of time with her. I have now firmly decided to look into some form of day care for Ella to go to so I can give Poppy my best rather than a little something left over.

Today being Thursday it also means Aqua exercise day, yes ladies I will be squeezing into my swimsuit and strutting myself down at the pool. I went on Tuesday and had a great time, giggling my arse off rather than working it off.

Strange things happen to a womens body when she has a baby, some things quite unspeakable BUT funny none the less. Of course you expect some alterations to the architecture of your girly bits, I should ask CH really as he had front row tickets to that blood bath. It is also expected that it is not only your abdominal muscles that have loosened up somewhat, but imagine my suprise that with first underwater lunge I felt like I swallowed a gallon of water and no, not with my mouth! It get worse, tremendous air bubbles that I assure you were not wind that came from that region and it does not stop there, upon getting out of the pool as I walked over to the changing rooms, that gallon released itself(now at body temperature) lovely.

NB: Remember to do your pelvic floors lifts.

God bless Mothers

Forgive me. I really do apologise for my lack of blogging. I have no idea where time has gone except I tomorrow when I wake, Poppy will be nine weeks old. How????

I am still tired(no surprise) I still have the odd bad day but essentially I am having a ball. Poppy is sleeping sometime for five hours at night. CH is now starting to realise she is the seed from his loins and worth more than just the occasional glance. A mother's love is truly unconditional but it seem a father's love has a few conditions.

1. Baby must not cry when fed, warm and dry
2. Baby must sleep all night with no grunting
3. Baby body fluids must stay contained in unit or within nappy boundry

His tolerence with Pops was wafer thin but now as Poppy will smile, gurgle and laugh at him both his love and tolerence have bloomed. I am much happier.

In my travels I have spoken with several other women in a similar position to myself and it is suprising how we are all going through very similar issues. At one stage I thought I was perhaps married to a monster and how could he not like his daughter, I was disgusted. To discover that I was not alone and in large company in this was somewhat reassuring but frightful at the same time. I have many memories of conversations over my life right from childhood of women saying things along the lines of babies being boring and how men are not really interested until the child is more interactive. I never had a second thought about it. I now know what they really meant, it is automatic for me to think terrible thoughts about these men as imagine how the world would be if most women put their child into the "too hard bin" Some days are hard but we have no choice other than to cope or just to continue. However essentially I have gotten over it and no longer resent CH and take him for what he is in the present not for failures from the past. Is this nature? Is this how we were supposed to be? Is this why this unforgiveable behaviour is easily forgiven?

Cunning bastard number four

Another effing whitetail.

Ella is bug or as she says "Gug" obsessed, could this be the universe helping her out and keeping her entertained?

This four legged foe was caught on my bed late last night. I am a geek and instead of a pocket protecter I have my trusty book light. The only reason I even saw bugger was I was a little freaked out after watching that pathetic Haunted house programme and had to read.

Are white tails the naughty and nasty spiders we are lead to believe? I am a little confused as I am aware that with the arrival of babies my anxiety levels rocketed. Once this carefree girl could go mall shopping all day, ride esculators willy nilly, eat at food courts and push shopping trolleys around and stop for a little tasting on the way around the store.

Now................the thought of touching esculator rails, eftpos pin pads, trolley handles, public toilet taps and doors, then touching my children or eating without washing my hands makes my skin crawl. This is just one of my little idioscracies that arrived with my children.

If I stop to think about the first time we ever got our house sprayed for whitetails, it was within weeks of having our first child. I do not know what we expect the spiders to do but it must be along the lines of peeling our childrens skin off then burning their exposed flesh with ciggarettes as we are that scared of them. I remember when we did get our house sprayed and the chap with the mask and spray gun asked how many spiders we had seen and then rounded the conversation with reassuring comments of "Yes you have done the right thing, no point taking a risk with babies in the house, safe that sorry" blaaaa blaaaa Thus the guilt seed was sown.

I really do dislike spiders. We found our first whitetail a couple of weeks ago, since then I have let the daddy long legs live in our nooks and crannies as I was once that whitetails ate other spiders so if you had other spiders then you did not have whitetails. Bullocks. Over those weeks where I 'live and let live' they multiplied and there was a spider residing in every corner and when those spiders started fighting and eating each other I decided enough was enough and promptly made it CH's responsibility to get rid (Although I do not like them I still cannot knowingly kill them!) Besides what is the point of having a man if he cannot come to your rescue every now and again.

Anywhoo the point that I am making, are the white tails as horrid as I think or is it a simple matter of letting my over zealous parenting anxiety skills get away on me or could it be a league of pest control agents spreading vicious rumours, fear and noxious gases to ensure a good little earner? Who knows.

I'm Baaaaaaaaack

Yes, the photo's are sideways, but for the love of god is anyone else having issues with blogging?
I have tried several times over the last week or so to bore you with my ramblings and I go to Publish and the bastard kicks me off or just refuses to load.

Here is my two girls Poppy is now nine weeks old and smiling and giggling whilist Ella is....well you can see.

It really is 2007

Further to my self reflecton I have a few more little things in my life I would like to ad to my New Years list.

#4
Slow down and take the time to love my family and kiss my husband more often as once he was my everything.

#5
Still have my dream of having our own home with land here in blenheim BUT put it in the back of my mind for use on another day. I can help myself by not looking at homes for sale or realestate windows and ceasing to flick through property for sale publications

#6
Become more physically strong and able, not for weight loss although that would rock but for health, to be able to kick a ball around and not struggle and protect my children should I need to. I realises this week if I was caught in water with my girls I am not strong enough to save them. This need to change.

#7
Pat the cat or at the very least talk to her as I am so busy all I seem to do is kick her out of the way when I am telling her to feck off.

#8
Do things just for me, I am not sure what yet but some time that is mine and mine alone.

#9
Contrary to my opinion not everyone is as pro active and gives as much thought into situations as I do. If I want something done perhaps I should ask for it, rather than stewing.

Nope nine is just fine.

Happy six week Birthday Pops, you look so old already.

Resolutions

Yes ladies, tis the season for self delusion. Today I am going to give some thought into things I can improve or change in my life. Today I am feeling quietly confident I can achieve anything I want.

Each day from now on until around January 2nd that confidence will slowly be pissed into the wind until I convince myself that New Years Resolutions are bullocks. Perhaps that is even true BUT for me is is mostly a cover for my lackings in the ole will power department.

I had a wee look at last years resolutions. It was something along the line of trying to stress less over imaginings. Sounds lovely, even poetic............but gobshite.

Ok back to the plan.

2007
#1
Take the time to make my daughter laugh every day and although I am busy to ensure things at the business end like changing nappies are taken slowly and not rushed as the ambition is to make as much quality time as possible.

#2
Once a month to have a family day where no housework is to be done or no jobs on a list to be ticked off and the day is to be spent with just us four relaxing and enjoying each other.

#3
To put less focus on food as our love of good food is sending us to the poor house and really I have to think of eating as a fuel and not a all day party.

More later

A snoozeing sleepy slumber

Oh yes my lids are getting that pleasant heavy glazed feeling even as I type that title. I cannot even say I dream of sleep as that would imply that I was actually getting some.

Well no that is not strictly true as I have been having some fantastic sleeps, one of six hours on the night before Christmas eve. I am just exausted from Christmas and visitors.

However our Christmas was fantastic and this year I was on pudding duty so I made the best trifle I have ever made, a huge pav and huge chunky fresh fruit salad with four types of truffles, the White chocolate and Raspberry went down the best.

The main meal was also outstanding with undoubtedly the best Turkey I have ever eaten it was superb and I do not even like Turkey. Ella and Poppy where absolutely spoiled, it is odd but it was almost distasteful the amount of presents and I am struggling a little. Most upsetting was the speed inwhich people helped open the presents for the girls and I have no idea who gave what or who to thank, which just does my head in.

Today is the first day in six weeks that I will be having no visitors and no extra jobs to be done and I am truly thankful.

As Emeril says BAM, lets kick it up a notch.

CH has just come down with the dreaded lurgie...................my life is over

Who would have thought, it does get worse! This is the most disgusting bug I have had in quite sometime, to add further insult it makes you burp sulphur, rotten eggs and lots of them. Farting out ones mouth may be indeed a great party trick, if only I was a bloke to take full advantage of the situation. There is a upside I just lost 4kgs in 24 hours. If only it would stay off.

Today is a good day, I no longer feel like dying and I almost feel stong enough to tackle something other than dry toast. Ella is fine but Poppy is a little off and thankfully CH is well.

Ho Ho Ho bloody ha ha

It is times that like that I know there is a god because friends come bearing a gift of a nine pack of Jumbo triple chocolate Cookies to provide sustanance during a trying time. It is those biccies that have provided lunch and sanity over the last couple of days.

I also know there is a god who is having a laugh, no I am not being so petty to name names or denominations, but you know who you are. I must say you are one funny fecker and I bet you are just gonna keep hitting me with that funny stick until your godly arms tire. Due to my sense of humour and laughs I have had over the years it was to be expected and yes all I can do is scoff in the face of normality.

I am reminded of that wise old adage 'The more you prune a fruit tree the sweeter fruit in bears'
At what point is does a burn off considered a "prunning" or is it pruneing, prunening????

What's worse, having chronic runny arse with haemorroids and looking after a family OR being dog tired having a new baby and toddler with vomiting and runny arse, no beds to sleep in as soiled with said runny arse, CH's vomit on floor as he could not deal with the afore mentioned RUNNY ARSE. Bless his soggy socks he did try before he went to work.

Oh my god, the house is a fright, my children smell REALLY bad, I keep smelling mystery poo on myselF, Christmas is still not organised and one of my cherubs has just lost her bowels AGAIN. Can we do Christmas at some other time?

Ahh by the look of it, it is another one for the shower, In fact before the end of the day I may just have to leave them in a empty bath for we will run out of clothes/hot water/sanity.

No Woman, No Pride

From the beginning of time women have been fought over, lives made and lost over the procurement of such a precious commodity and generally we have credited with the start of many a war and battle. In life we are amazing in so many many ways and if we are lucky enough to have women in our lives to share kinship, our lives are rich indeed.

No, I am not considering going and playing in the all girls sandpit, I just feel lucky at present to have so many lovely people in my life. If you can measure and judge yourself against whom you have around you then I must be doing something right.

Is it not amazing how your life changes in so many way and as you go along people come and go as you need them. At present I have had some challenges and have been amazed and all the help I have around and even more gobsmacking I do not even need to ask as it is just given.

For example this weekend was the Plunket Christmas Party and it was a successful mission to get there only half and hour late BUT with home baking, children fed and dressed and full of the Christmas spirit. I admit I was sturggling with juggling being social and looking after my girls as I was feeding Poppy, Ella would be off with one of the other Mums who would take care of her so naturally. During feeding Poppy, I managed to not only spray my child with breast milk, saturate myself with the stuff all without anything to mop it up, others come to my rescue. At another stage Poppy was crying, Ella was terrified of Santa and loosing it completely, other Mums took Poppy(who was also in need of a change) so I could comfort Ella. The most giving thing was one of the mums whom took Poppy lost the opportunity to get a photo of her son with santa due to looking after my child.

From the very moment I started this journey of motherhood my life has been dotted with the most wonderful women and friendships. It is almost like I have secured a life long membership to the most exclusive club in the world. Mind you, membership fees are high, but to have two such beautiful children it is a small price to pay.

I only hope I too can return the favour and be there for some of these wonderful women in there time of need.

Righto, I shall allow you a moment to bask in the bright and pure light of my succesful parenting skills.

Done? Now for the drivel.

Last night I had five hours sleep!(Huge round of applause) then to put icing on that little cup cake of joy, I managed to leave the house before 11am(not in my nightie and with brush through my hair) AND actually walk into town. Now for my crowning glory, Poppy actually is sleeping again, in her own bed, as I type. However the house is a mess due to my need to blog over my need to be tidy.

It has been a hell of a week as Poppy is still being inventive and throwing new and interesting things into the mix. I have had awful trouble breast feeding, pain, latching issues, infection and thrush(which I cannot seem to get rid of) Now this week, Poppy has decided to accept milk from only one of my boobs and latching painfully on the other. Being someone who is very analytical and thought myself quite a good wee breast feeder with my last child, for the life of me I could not work out what the heck was the problem. Luckily this time rather than battleling on alone(normally my strongest trait) I enlisted the help of our local lactation consultant Liz who is amazing, although she had no ideas for what the problem is but she said I was doing everthing right, positioning blaa blaa. Although not resolved but it gave me my mojo back and she did have a great idea to use a breast shield and the little bugger now feeds, my mid wife puts it down to Poppy's personality. Which by the way I adore.

CH has been amazing and long may in continue. He works hard, I feel supported and gosh darn he even makes my lunch in the morning, plates it with a sprig of parsley to garnish. I love it. It makes such a difference to how I feel about him when I am not feeling like the weight of the world is not mine alone to shoulder.

Mind you we are living like old people at present as Poppy has kicked him out and sleeps with me, I know perhaps a bad choice and something about creating rods for ones back BUT if I did not do this I would not get any sleep. CH is sleeping in the spare room which does allow him to get some sleep to get him through the day at work, which I know is tough at present. Besides I can handle the jandal and do seem to be having more success with Poppy as I suppose I know her a bit more.

A whirlwind of a week

As most of you will know this past week has been as close to my worst living nightmare. I have not really began to process the events or even get over my exaustion but am brimming with thanks to all who have been involved in our lives since last thursday.

Upon reflection the events as they unfolded now seem quite exciting but to be fair my thrist for adventure does not extend that far these days, lordy I am soft.

Last thursday evening after not being well for a couple of days Poppy's wee eyes rolled back in her head, she stopped breathing and went limp. We panicked. All infant resus skills learned, GONE. I urge all parents to promtly do a refresher or at the very least force yourself and your partner to go over the scenario. Please do so for me.

To not bore you with all the drawn out details, Poppy was a very sick wee baby and Blenheim did not have the facilities or staff for such a baby so we were flown to Nelson in the special life plane(which I had no idea existed) with suspected Meningitus. Nelson has a wonderful Special care baby unit with the most amazing team of people doing all they can to deliver your babe back into the arms of recovery. I have never been affected by any of these so called strikes that the hospital workers have done but we fell smack in the middle of this one as we could not test Poppy as fast and any tests had to be done in Christchurch. They hit Poppy with as many antibiotics they could and the little bugger was like a second hand dart board. They even done a lumbar puncture, which is they very worst. I really cannot believe the extent of this strike and we were not the worst effected by far, does someone have to die before the issue is resolved? As I have been involved in the New Zealand hospital system of late I have a few things to say but will save them for another time.

I do apologise to all those in Nelson we did not actually even visit or even tell of our plight. But you know how it is when you are only just holding yourself together and when you see a friendly face, your face distorts and becomes that real ugly cry face and the next thing you know your own snot is running rivers into your mouth and on to an unsuspecting shoulder..............

We arrived home yesterday, Poppy is not right but temp is down, heart rate is no longer over 200, breathing well, box of birds really but I feel like I have gone seven rounds with a prize winning fighter. Did I mention both Ella and I also got sick. Sleep has been minimal as we were in isolation and Poppy was even more grumpy than usual. Infact upon saying our goodbyes to the team they mentioned although they would miss me they would not miss my baby's cry! It was also commented on that unfortunately Poppy being ill could not account for her general attitude! However my favourite chap Dr Nick also did say something along the lines of the qualities you want in a baby do not make a good adult, if that is my silver lining I shall take it.

It is true, she has so much attitude and is VERY angry most of the time. Never sleeps and is not happy unless she is with me and even then it is not happy in the normal sense of the word as I simply mean........not crying. She is so very knowing and has a look in her eye that seems to sum you up and past judgement in a second and works to plot your ultimate demise. Yes, times are tough and the wheels are off(much like my nipples) more often than they are on and I have no idea how I will regain control of my exsistance as Poppy well and truly rules thus far. BUT I admire the gaul and behaviour of this wee bundle of tricks and look forward to duelling in the future.

Spots, temps and grumpy children

Bullocks to it all, firstly we were going Chrismas shopping in Nelson, then being visited by friends and then I was off out and about to my first adult outing in a couple of weeks and it happened. The little buggers are already teaming up on me.

I first thought Poppy was unwell as I noticed she had Oral thrush and of course now so does the milk factory. Problem solved relatively easily as I had delt with such things before. Unfortunately it of course did not explain a general distaste for everything and a temperature.

Then all became clear when Ella developed a heck of a rash and looks to have been attacked by a red felt pen. A virus apparently and now we are on a 'No Play' with children zone. Does that go for me too? I could easily hide from children today.

Here is a lovley eyes open shot of Miss Pops, credit for the gorgeous picture goes to Myself for growing her so perfectly and to Delwyn who captured a quick moment of relaxation by the popster!

Shock horror, Pops may have an outie!!!!!!! Could this child do anymore to upset her father!

Oh bless she knows how to wind him up, oh she does take after me!

biltong anyone?

Oh lordy it is worse than I expected.

I have a child that sleeps little, shreds breasts with a single suck and of course is bringing up my blood WHICH IS JUST WRONG, I am wearing breast pads that when removed take half my nipple with them, stitches which have just gone from sitting on barb wire to itchy as all hell. Not to mention a complete befuddled brain that reigns supreme(which left CH's wallet on roof of car..................................and amazingly found by a friends husband!)

I have just come through four days of being abandoned by CH for a Irish rock band (I am still sulking) Thankfully my best friend came to my rescue and baby sat me for the weekend, seriously I could not have coped any other way. I am still knackered as hell as the demands of a toddler weigh heavily and there is no sneaky rest during the day. Speaking of said toddler, poor little bugger is not really handling the transition to a two children family very well at all. She has always sucked her blankey upon sleeping, but blankey is now a firm friend that hangs around all day.

I am having some issues myself as I am really dog tired and trying hard to keep things the same for her, but it will never be the same. I am feeling guilt. I am sure it will pass but when one is a little emotional things do appear worse than perhaps they are.

Tomorrow is a new day but I must get through the night. Poppy is being Poppy and doing what the heck she likes, who knows what new and interesting way to torture her mother she has been dreaming up.

I am still amazed at the difference between my girls, I have no idea what I expected but by gosh there is almost no similarities, she is her own girl and that cannot be disputed. She already has so much attitude and spunk you could almost swear she has been here before.

Yes I am in love once again and it is true what they say about love multiplying and not dividing. I am flirting with the idea of going to my normal Tuesday coffee group tomorrow, shock horror. I may not go as I have a very smelly........................baby. I bet you are glad I said baby as I have been so frank in this blog that who knows what other little ditties I was going to pull out that you did not need to know. Yes, Poppy is going though the rancid belly button stage and it is so bad it could clear the room, mind you I am sure if I hid a hunk of dead meat in my belly button for eleven days, things would be more than a little savoury, biltong anyone?

Just a quickie

Time is a wasting and I have a power of Ham, custard squares, camembert, blue vein, seafood and various other deli treats to eat my way through.

As most of you will already know,

Poppy Neave Joy Langdon
was born on Thursday November 16th, 8:18pm, weighing in at 8lbs6oz.

She finally made it and most reluctantly I might add. Rapt that she is here and feeding hellishly well(she is brutal!!) She is calling the shots already but of course we knew she had no intention of ever doing anything else. Not much hair to speak of, huge hands and feet(CH has a thing about women with big hands and feet) lovely small head(best pleased) I am well and still have a sense of humour although not willing to laugh at present(Go the salt baths) But let it be said, NEVER, Ever doing it again!!

Ella is being fantastic, a complete and utter star.

Thank you for all of the kind wishes and flowers we have received, I will get to you all in time.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Swaddling

I had great success on swaddling Ella and last week I was told by my mid wife swaddling was no longer endorsed due to a higher chance of cot death.

This really has pissed on my chips. Now we are damned if we do and damned if we dont.

What to do, what to do?

Are we there yet

7.42pm: After an afternoon of no contractions and a whining toddler I sought refuge with a rather lovely friend and regained some sanity. Well worth it.

Since then I have been working on a couple of wives tales to hopefully get things moving again, my last one was to eat a blow the roof off your mouth thai curry, smoke the bugger out. Thus far all that it has achieved is a hiccuping baby who may or may not have been shouting "Bring it on bitch, call that a curry, I have met sperm that have been hotter" as she stubs out a ciggarette on my cervix. Oh apparently it is not unusual to have a show weeks before delivery.......sigh

Round 176 to baby, Mummy 0

Ok child of mine, show some compassion and since you have been pissing about all day, hold off until tomorrow as it is your Nana's birthday and she will be chuffed.

Feck

Oh my friggin gosh, can this child do any more to upset the apple cart?

This morning 4am I had a show, 45mins later contractions where seven mins apart.
By ten thirty the buggers had stopped!!! Mo fo

Not best pleased.

Movember

Can anyone see any possible reason why my strongly anticipated baby, may indeed be staying in the plush accomodations she is currently used to?

Would you leave the house if that was waiting for you?

Monday Monday

Today is Monday.
Monday, baking day and the start of the working week, awfully close to fish and chip Friday......

Well the good news is baby has moved to nearly the right position, but knowing this child I really think she is most likely fecking with me, I bet she will come out with a huge grin, teeth and a tattoo.

Come Thursday 9am I am having something called a stretch and scrape. Personally I think they should some significant rebranding as that name does not exactly conjure images of happy times, perhaps, cervix massage and throw in a few scented candles and a box of choc......Marvelous, how do I book in?

I have been thinking this week that Ella is being amazing, and she really knows what babies are now. However this week everytime she dropped something or did something naughty she would say bubba. At first I thought it very advanced to already be placing blame upon a sibling that is not here yet.

Twas not bubba she was saying, Twas bugger! time to rethink the ole vocab.

The Elephantine Cometh

To your left you will see a rather lovely photo of the most happy wee girl and may I draw attention to the right and you will see my rather large protrusion.

Less than a week to go and I am really feeling it. Beneath the ocean of green lies the more stretch marks than skin it looks more like a reptilian pattern that skin stretched beyond recognition.


I have not cracked the tonne as of yet and am beginning to doubt that I will get there(thankfully) Mind you if my clubed feet continue to swell like Mitchelin Man I could be in with a chance.

It is weird and although I am feeling the weight of Pregnancy with every breath I really do not feel like I will have a baby soon. I guess I have finally got used to the bump and cannot imagine anything else.

I do remember once Ella was born a feeling of being alone and a little lost as although I could kiss and cuddle a real living baby, I missed having her in my tummy.

CH is still working all the hours god gives him and as you can imagine I am not best pleased. But you can hardly fault a fantastic work ethic and commitment to loyalty especially when it is a quality I tend to require in a person. But feck it........................me me me me me me, just for once.

Ok I am over it. It must be the vast amounts of delicious Raspberry leaf tea I am consuming chilling me out. Vile hateful stuff. I guess if I was a tea drinker the taste would be more palatable. Who knows if the tea does as it claims but I am willing to take the placebo effect, I will say this however, It has completely stopped my gums bleeding(yet another glam pregnancy issue....sigh) SO I do have hope.

Righto best go as I have to traul the internet for thoughtful unique presents........................!!!!!

Why?

Why has my blog got this huge gap at the top? Any ideas?

Ahoy ya lard arsed scrubber!

To the best of my knowledge I have never been called a scrubber but I am fast discovering I make a darn good one. You are reading the blog of possibly the cleanest hand scrubbed floor in the land.

Once again my theory of procreation to be the vessel in which a bunch of marketing guys got together and oversold to women few things to make getting their wicked way heaps easier.
We are suckers.

Lie number 1.
Nine months Gestation, since when is fourty weeks nine months!

Lie number 2
Morning Sickness, surely this implies you should be sick in the morning, more accurately perhaps we should rename 24 hour, four month sickness. Not quite the easy sell now huh

Lie number 3.
Women are horny during the pregnancy. I have only met one ever.

Lie number 4.
Drinking harms your unborn child. Perhaps very true but now those marketing men have sober drivers and more beer money on tap so to speak.

Lie number 5.
All these foods like camembert, seafood, trifle, sushi, cream buns, ham....you cannot eat. All luxury yummy items destined to make wallets lighter and arses fatter. How convenient we cannot have them.

Lie number 6.
No hot baths or spas. Yep zero relaxing time

Look I could go on but here is a couple of last points

Scrubbing floors, upon hands and knees helps baby move!!!!! bastards just want the floor cleaned properly and have an excuse that it helps baby if we do it.

Exercises on hands and knees to help baby move, just last night CH said perhaps he could offer some assistance by standing behind me in such a position! and perhaps while he was there......

Sex brings on labour..........oh but it will help you out dear..........and it must be quick so not to take a chance on hurting baby.........for baby's sake of course.

Outstanding!

Cracker, marvelous, Corker, Ace, Terrific, Well done!

buggery crap filled fecking bullocks.

Ten days until my due date and the little bundle of joy has turned completely the wrong way, I guess who can blame the LITTLE CHERUB for being in the right position for some months now, it was bound to be a bit boring so adding yet another level of difficulty to the mix.

I have always said I have a real good take on the personality of our next wee baby, not much of it complimentary as I am well sure she has bags of personality and will be born knowing all the tricks rather than learning them. For most of the pregnancy I have predicted going overdue, going into labour when Jason is away and ending with an emergency C-section.

It is actually getting quite laughable now as we have climbed many obstacles on our journey to having this baby, luckily none of them life threatening but in essence none of them easy and without a word of a lie the longest nine months in my life. I am sure those who have been with me on this blog journey have sensed my frustrations, so very subtle of course....(still capable of self delusion)

It is still far from over and I know the road will have a few more bumps. I know the strain will be tough until we have sorted out just how to operate two children. I realise It will be tough on our marriage and friendship. I must remind myself to tell CH that regardless of what may or may not fall out of my mouth over the next couple of months, that I still love him.

Contrary to how pissed I am with this latest development, it matters none. I just cannot wait to welcome her into our family and I also cannot wait until I have been to the toilet the first time after labour. Who can forget that little experience.

So I am off to scrub the floor upon hands and knees to encourage baby to move the right way around. You gotta admit she has got some back bone pissing me off, oh well I am up for a challenge. So I shall sign off, 117cm girth and still in one piece.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This week I shall be mostly eating Toffee apples. Man I love them at the moment.

As it turns out this week is actually much better than the previous one. I appear to be intact mentally and physically(well using the latter very loosely) Ella of course has chosen this week to be a complete Pratt, using all manner of newly acquired and very accomplished Mummy torture to make my day a little more interesting. Her efforts thus far have been so conniving it takes all my strength not to admire or at least giggle my arse off. Obviously it would be bad parenting to giggle not to mention the mess I would leave on the carpet..........

Please out of courtesy restrict all funny happenings to the linoleum. Thankyou MANAGEMENT

Eighteen days to go until due date. Legs firmly crossed.

Well strap my mittens on with Duct tape

I have been wallowing a bit of late in both self pity and self doubt. Had a few days of the standard hormone bullocks, crying about everything, drowning in hoplessness, feeling like the most horrid and ghastly person, you know a real joy to be around.

Monday as luck would have it I awoke to look like I had sprayed myself with candy apple red and it itches like buggery. Very attractive, team that with nausea and what is more worrying a loss of appetite so I suspect someone up there is having a laugh. 'yeah lets make the fat woman itch where she cannot reach'

Apparently it is a pregancy rash but the are checking for something called 'Fatty liver' What a hideous name. Of course I would be bound to have a fatty liver as I have a fatty everything else, oh except my ears they are still in pristine prenatal condition.

CH is of course bored with the whole whingeing about everything, as he should be but I still tend to nail him to the wall over it. For the love of god, rub my back more than twice you bastard.
At the moment he could come home at the end of a day and I could say I had my toes filed off with a cheese grater and the standard answer would be "arhhhhh thats no good, whats for dinner'

Mind you there is no point being lavished in affection at present as I feel quite numb to the whole thing. I feel wound so tight and barely a moment passes that I have not had my brain going at an alarming rate thinking of twenty jobs and scenarios at once I feel like I have a pick a path book in my head. I just cannot relax and even getting a cuddle from CH feels horrible like I cannot afford to slow down and just let myself relax. Weird huh it is like I have tunnel vision or something.

However I did receive the most lovely bunch of flowers yesterday from a rather fabulous good friend, a complete suprise who put so much thought into what the flowers should be and people who know me well would know the signifigance of me receiving a bunch of flowers including Poppies and from a florist called ' The Pink Poppie'. What a lucky girl I am.

I am so not good at being pregnant. Touch all available wood that all will be well as I am not going down this path again.

Maternity Ward visit

Yesterday was the day that this whole birth thing compounded into reality. 9am yesterday morning we went to visit the hospital and see where to go and hopefully what is going to happen.

And ladies it is no St Georges. In fact the comfortable rooms are on par with the old Christchurch Womens labour suites. From all accounts the silver lining is the staff and really that is what you want over the Chocolate thick shakes, Menu dining and sky tv in every room......is'nt it?

However there is one we black cross to their name, I jokingly said that it does not matter what the decor is like as long is there a ready supply of Knicker popsicles(made life bearable last time!)

Of course the answer was 'Ah no, we no longer have a supplier'

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Perhaps some more cheese with that whine

You are friggin Joking Mr TV Three. You have completely pissed on my Friday evening fish and chips. How dare you re-schedule my mate Jack Bauer to a god awful late night time slot and replace it with a RE-RUN of an old House episode(However, I suspect this was a mistake as you really did mean a new series...................surely)

As you are all aware, I have been known to have a slight dependency problem on my long time friend the humble television. Now I guard this non chemical escapeisum with ferocious intentsity and for the love of god do not talk to me while me 'programme' is on! call it sad, boring or pathetic I call it my sanity preserver.

The bastards have deemed 24 not popular enough to dictate a prime time slot and have moved it to near middle of the night for a washed up mother 11.15pm on a Saturday night! If I wanted to stay up that late I would at least have the good manners to go out and have a crack at having a social life....................hmnnn I am sure I had one......perhaps I sold it on Trade Me with everything else.

I wonder if the obviously big brained Brad's at TV3 had ever considered the reason for a Number one show that has had stunning ratings in the rest of the world to appear completely bomb here............is..............Rugby...................friggin Rugby. CH actually enjoys 24 but would also not ever watch it over the ruggers for fear of growing breasts.

Now that the Rugby season is almost over, House(which I also enjoy) will receive higher ratings.
It is not rocket science.

You bastards not only was I not forewarned of 24's demise I had to put up with CH woefully slow channel surfing. Never fear the cooking chocolate took a beating again out of complete frustration.

Less than one month to go until my due date so I am trying to get as up to date as possible. I do not imagine that I will be able to do much blogging so here is the latest wee pic of Ella, pre sibling days. It was taken this weekend just gone at a party.

Had a horrid night last night, vomiting at 4am. Nothing serious, I just felt like I over ate and something had to give due to lack of room. Unfortunately, vomiting is quite powerful and with my lack of strength in pelvic floors............................ it was interesting times!

This is the last preggie photo you are likely to see as it was taken a few weeks ago before the huge exspansion, plus I am bending over so it looks like I have a small bump but in Reality my petit waist measures a whopping 112cm! I also have started to swell, joy

Wheels

Well it had to happen sooner or later, the wheels have not just fallen off but have busted beyond recognition, in fact they may even be square to match my big ole square hips.

I have reached that stage of everything attached to me hurts including CH. I am just finding him godamn painful. All completely unwarranted anf unfair but still firing looks of contempt as he so nimbly prances around all full of energy and freedom of movement, bastard.

To underline and highlight my huge arseness I have recently broken a fairly solid bed by doing nothing more than rolling over to avoid stinking, drooling, snoring alcoholic husband. I wish I could have told a more creative story involving me as a horny pregnant chick and hours of passion unleashed, but I really do think a pregnant lady who has a huge sex drive may indeed be one of those urban legends, sorry boys have I crushed the dream.

That horrid night was the last time we stayed at Jason's parents place and I vowed and declared it be the very last time we stayed overnight in that house. Oh rapture it looks like we are there this weekend.

This time I will double check on the packing of ear plugs. Just one of the things that stop my slumber at this house is in two words "Prostate Problems" yes ladies this is no joking matter, you know those pelvic floor lifts we are all crap at doing on a regular basis well men need to do them as well and CH's father should be the poster boy! The afore mentioned has difficulties at present(to say the least) which means he seems to take forever to take a piss with many stops and starts and sounds as though he is standing on a step ladder pissing from a great height, ten minutes is a quickie and it wakes the whole house. This occurs every couple of hours. I am not even going to talk about the spiders and pet hair that is everyhere, infact before I really rant I will just stop on the subject. As they are good people and I love them both.

I made the bassinette up today........................counting down.

Pimping Bubba's ride

Well I did it, completed earlier project of re-upholstering pram. Fabric and purchase now makes this a $40 pram. Bargain!

Words cannot possibly describe how hard I found said project as all I had was an idea and a can do attitude. When will I ever learn.

It took, nine hours SOLID and two sewing machines. This sewing session was longer than all my sewing experience in my whole life. Thus far I am fairly chuffed with the outcome, I now wish I had taken before and after photo's as you would have been amazed.

I also had a haircut today, most exciting. It is so lovely getting your hair done and today it looks great, tomorrow of course will be a different story.

It really is raining!!!!!

For some reason or another the connection I have with what is reality and what is in Domestic Goddess land seems to be little disjointed.

For the third morning in a row I have awoke expecting brilliant sunshine, even though I can hear the pitter patter of rain it is still a complete surprise and disappointment to rip back the curtains and have a dull day staring back at me.

I guess this week I have so many plans and the only thing I expected holding me back would be my huge belly and perhaps motivational issues........not poxy things I cannot change.

Thus far I have built a step off our patio, I miraculous feat considering I had nothing in which to build with and no intention of spending money. It took most of the day but is fairly sturdy and does the job.

My second project is progressing well. I bought a double pram from the Salvation Army for $20 and as you would expect needs much work. This perhaps might have been a easy job for someone who knows how to re-upholster. I cannot even sew, and had to follow a manual just to thread it, let me just say it has been a trying time. BUT have even made patterns......I am on FIRE. The lounge is a complete mess and I still have doubts in my ability to sew let alone getting it all back together(I hate puzzles) Oh dear. I am hoping I am not pulling myself but I want this one finished today.

Right I had best go as I made a promise to myself not to piss around on the internet as before you know it I would have not only wated time but bought something.

Oh I had a wonderful evening last night, CH cooked a lovely dinner complete with wine and dessert........almost a date! However it all had to end a little prematurely as after dinner I had massive Braxton Hicks, almost contraction like in pain, I thought it was all on. I then realised all this proclamation of wanting to get the whole labour over and done with was actually bullocks.

In fact, no hurry take your time. Please.

Oh now this really is something a little special. Watch Wayne's stuggle to live his dreams and break out of the resthome circuit!

Six days of child free days!

You are never going to believe it but with all the anxiety I have over allowing Nana to steal my child away, I awoke this morning absolutely dead chuffed and my head bursting with plans and schemes to fill my week. Yes, blaaaa blaaa I do realise that perhaps I should be resting BUT it would be worse if I thought I was wasting what little free time I have.

I also had another thought this morning and I realised that CH is perhaps not so firmly strapped into the old gravy train. Sure his clothes magically appear washed, house cleaned, lovely meals, you know all the domestic stuff and generally he pays for services rendered in the form of me throwing looks of contempt and an almost always tired wife and friend.

It is upon that level he perhaps gained the mother of his child but the friend and lover almost beyond reach. This morning as I was alive with ideas and not clouded by morning grumpyness. I got up and made a most wonderful fresh fruit salad, yoghurt, juice and set up breakfast on the patio, lovely sunshine and music, bliss and quality. By this time I had also made him a lovely lunch as he is working all day. I guess it is just slowing down the pace and just enjoying what is.

I hope you all feel as inspired as I do this morning as it really is a most wonderful feeling.

Seven days, one week, 168 hours, 10080 minutes or longer than any diet I have stuck to.

Next week while all you Mothers out there are teetering on edge of sanity, up to your elbows in offsprings body fluids and weighed down by the pressure of house whipped bitch duties, I shall be realxing in a Hammock in the great land before child. A choice of good books, no routine and do what ever the hell I feel like. Yep I am one foot loose mutha.

Do I sound convincing?

My one and only daughter is about to leave my side for not a day but seven of the bastards and I am completely uncool about it.

I have much to do as we have not done any prep for the new baby and I also have many plans to finish a couple of projects and finally solve world hunger so I will be really busy..................... really anxious.................really worried...........I will most likely be breast feeding the cat before the end of the week...................................Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......

Baked beans, large portions YES PLEASE

Tis that time again when CH and I sit down and work out exactly how much money we have spent than actually earned. Every month is the same then why is it still a complete surprise.

As expected I am starting to nest a little and part of that is the overwhelming need to be nesting in my own home and not a cat pee smelling rental. Unfortunately CH seems to have heard my nagging upon the subject(almost unheard of!) anyway we are too skint to purchase a property up here so do we sell our CHCH home or not?? who the hell knows, we did our sums for what seems like an eternity and still cannot make it happen.

Hell the hell do others do it. We went online and got a estimation of what banks would lend us and what a bunch of dumb bastards the only way we could make those weekly repayments is by living on Signature Range baked beans and as you all know me that is never going to happen, I would rather cut off my left boob than give up my life long love of lush grocery items.

Good things happen to good people right? All we need now is an old chap with a huge established farm complete with orchard and flowing river who has a old homestead he no longer wants to rattle around in alone and in exchange for cooking and cleaning he lets us live our lifestyle dream..............................................Any takers?

Hold on perhaps if I put in a few choice words of what old fellows may be searching for ummmm boiled cabbage, Old Spice, Bonanza re-runs, garage sales, cribbage, curried sausages, Park Drive, Brylcream, clearance sale, overalls, jugs, quarts and seven ounce glasses. There my cunning trap has been set.

Come hither, I am a fantastic Cook..........how could you not?

So this is Saturday?

Hmmn I am sure I should be feeling bad about something.......

I have just finished my second grilled cheese sandwich and I just have to say, I make the best grilled cheese.

My television viewing pleasure consists of shit(much like my night), hence why I am paying you any attention.

I Have just put CH to bed after an amazing human body sound effect special consisting of shitting through the eye of a needle.

Perhaps I should not have made him clean up his own incredible all incompassing power vomit from not only the floor but half way up the walls.

Looking back, forcing him to change an extremely smelly nappie of Ella's may have been a tad harsh.

Why? earlier today CH made rather a pig of himself at the Rugby as he went along to a corporate hospitality event all beer and wine provided. Judging by the vomit, they actually provided some food....Salmon by the look.

Unsympathetic? Moi? Bet your arse.............there is nothing worse than a middle aged bloke attempting foolish student drinking games in an attempt to drink a good friend of mine under the table with the intention of sending him home, blind and in trouble with his wife.

Murphys law is a bitch.....................My friend holds his alcohol much better than soft cock CH, I could have told him that thinking of our student days.

I must admit to wondering if what CH is going through could be the sole fault of alcohol? Runny bum, in particular while still pissed? Hmmmnnn, My lord I have been in some states in my time and no matter how rat arsed I have been, I have never been like this.

The poor bastard is dribbling so much that I have him sleeping on a towel, man I cannot wait to snuggle up to that all night. I would sleep on the couch if I did not fear the possiblity of CH choking on his own vomit.

Morning is going to hurt.

Busy but bored??????!!!!!!

Sixty days and counting.

I need to find a way to chill, relax and just let time pass peacefully. Sixty days, two months is actually quite some time and it will not just fly by. I feel like a an upside down b sniffing mouse surrounded by hungry cats. I am really busy, not sitting on my chuff but at the same time, really bored. I have started nagging again to add interest but it just does not give me the same satisfaction any longer.

Many weeks ago I told you of a project I was working on, embroidery, well I actually finished and sent it long ago and the person in question should have it by now so I can show you and you can bask in my crafty glory. It was my first time and learning from a book was a little harder than I expected but once I get an idea there is no way I will not achieve it.

But to be fair I do wish I could learn a hobby and actually stick to it, as per usual I take the time to learn something new, get all the gear and then I get the feeling well I have done it and what is next?


You see I am a traditional type of gal!

Gooey Lemon Slice

Here at DG HQ I have been working tirelessly just for you, in order to find the most easy, fast, using products normally at hand and gob smackingly tasty treats to even wow the ladies at the CWI. This week my crusade was lemons as we seem to have an abundance of citrus and there is only so much lemon curd one can eat. Should you have any other ideas on how to use said lemons, please share.

It really is very good and it would be a crime not to share.

GOOEY LEMON SLICE

Ingredients

2 cups flour
1 cup butter
1/2 cup Icing Sugar

2 cups sugar
1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
1/4 cup flour
4 eggs
1/2 tsp baking powder
2 Tbsps Icing Sugar

Instructions

Preheat oven to temperature 350°F. Combine first 3 ingredients and press into a greased 9x13 inch baking pan. Bake for 15-20 minutes, or until golden.

In a bowl, combine next 5 ingredients until smooth. Pour over baked crust and bake for 25-30 minutes. Cool, cut into squares, and sprinkle with Icing sugar.(if you have not got one of those handy Chelsea icing sugar shakers, get one)

Now in the spirit of all things yummy I would strongly advise adding the zest of lemons plus adding less sugar to the lemon mixture and adding more juice or jazzing it up with a bit of lime juice.

Enjoy.

Pass me the salt and lemon would ya honey

It has finally happened, I now have the Mummy attitude to match my worn and haggard Mummy body.

Twas the night before the weekend and all in the house were quite.....cos we were bloody sleeping! Two nights without Ella, unbearable anticipation and we were so knackered we could not stay up past 9.30, not even a decent shag..............mind you at present the term bumping uglies really rings true. I kid you not my entire weekend was thinking about my little girl, I had no idea the strength of co-dependancy. We went to the movies, only crap on but we went to a Movie called something like 'Lady of the water' I enjoyed the flick,very whimsicle...not going to be all that memorable however. We also planned to go to this restaurant, who would have thought the bastards would be fully booked in Blenheim! We went to Picton and spent most of the time with a crazed wide eyed look going on as man that place is seriously odd. Then to top it off I spent the remainder of the weekend trying to plan things so not to waste a moment, unfortunately this was not CH's idea of a relaxing spontaneous weekend. Bugger.

Then of course I expected my angel to see me and running through fields of daisy's with arms fully out stretched...................instead I got sullen contempt.

I have discovered why..........Nana, bless her cotton socks feed my child crap, morning, noon and night. My little cherub now refuses to drink her normal water or very weak juice and is throwing tanties for real full strength stuff. She arrived home on Sunday and four days later still has not eaten a proper meal as her stomach is still really upset. She is miserable and really being an arsehole.

What to do, first reaction was to call Nana and promptly read her the riot act. I am seething considering we did lay down the rules. Oh god I detest confrontation with anyone else other that CH. Plus I remember laughing and scoffing at parents who had similar experiences and thinking they should really loosen up. Oh feck.

Maybe that is why I am craving wine and beer........................to help me loosen up. I really could go a Bulmers cider or perhaps a jug of GnT with loads of chunky lemon and limes with ice on the back porch................Margarita........god I love Margarita's, it must be nearly summer.

Welcome to week 29

Eleven Weeks to to go!

It could be the comforting effects of guzzeling chocolate on this rainy afternoon. But do you know that feeling of standing on the gangplank of a bungy bridge and the heavy weight of that huge rubberband pulling you towards earth. Pure excitement. There is far too few times in our lives where we are balancing on the cusp of something that sends shivers down your spine.

Today I am there, as I take this moment alone and toddler free just you and me and a baby makes three. I am terrified and yet I am excited on the journey that we as a family are about to embark upon. I am so excited about the prospect of meeting our new edition it is almost unbearable. Seeing her face, touching her fingers and being enthralled about the miracle of life and hoping I have not given her my feet and high hair line! Will she look like her Daddy, will she look like her sister, what colour hair? Soon.

We have so very much to do as we have organised little but now I guess I can pin my ears back and go for it as really we do not have long to wait.

I am not one to wish my life away and I know there are times coming before she gets here that will be tough but I shall attempt to enjoy every moment while she is in my belly when I do not have to share her.

Friggin Murphy

It has been awhile since my last blogging. I have been sulking.

Previously said childless weekend was replaced with regular child weekend, teamed with onslaught of family-in-law staying. I am a lucky girl.

That will teach me for being so darn excited about it it the first place. However good things happen to those who wait and if all the moons align it may just happen this weekend. As with every other aspect of my life I of course will be ignoring it. Hopefully it will just creep up on me and actually happen.

Now let us all rejoice for today is a good day. I have just discovered that the red place has Cadbury Dairy Milk Value packs 400g for $2.99. Given that this is my main squeeze these days I shall not be moving from the couch for the rest of the day. I have never liked plain chocolate before unless it was really good blow your head off stuff. At the moment, my god it is fantastic. There is no accounting for taste.

Since I last wrote I really think that the reality of living in Blenheim has become a good one. I have met some really lovely like minded people and joined a couple of groups and actually having some fun.

To make myself more at home I have been building a herb garden and nearly finished a salad garden and within the next couple of week hopefully I will have an area prepared for planting tomatoes. Fantastic.