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I think I suffer from chronic stress.

To make that announcement actually is quite a relief. For some time now I have been thinking I must be dying from some unknown crippling disease. I have been feeling so poorly of late that to feel this bad within myself something horrible must be going on.

I know as a parent it is normal for your anxiety levels to sky rocket but I am also aware of my once little foibles growing and taking over my entire existence. I am over anxious and it is not healthy not only do I worry about everything I do and the outcome of everything I do but I also worry about possible outcomes and maybes that may or may not occur depending on what colour socks I have on at the time.

I have always been a day dreamer and time spent alone with my thoughts is something I cherish, most of the time I feel lucky I can escape to the comfort of my thoughts but of late I am being invaded. I tend to think of myself as a glass is half full kinda gal but incidental thoughts seem to consist of image after image of scary horror movies and it is these that terrify me. I could be shampooing my hair one moment and in the next I can see my toddler getting hold of the carving knife and making sushi out of my youngest…..are the knives secure? Could I hear if something went wrong? What else could go wrong? What would I do? These thoughts are unrelenting. I am becoming obsessed with things that needle into my sub conscious until proven wrong. For example ever since those poor fellows drowned when their concrete truck plunged into the sea I have been wondering, if that were to happen to a normal car what would happen? You could not open the doors, you could not open the windows unless they were manual, and You and your family are fucked. Is this true? Should we all put a hammer in the glove box? Anyhoo last night upon our travel home to Blenheim along the coast, I was terrified, sweating, breathing heavily and fricking relieved once inland. What a geek.

I watched a programme on stress yesterday and I seem to have all the symptoms of chronic stress and this being over anxious is just one of the symptoms I could put a tick next to. The heartening fact that comes out of this doco is that stress is normally on a cycle and as it peaks it will also go down, this week I reached my peak and now I am waiting for it to subside and it is. Something scary happened, I could write a list of reasons why I am exhausted but why bother as that would not change the fact of what is. One night last week at the end of a very long day I could see me smothering my child just for some quiet time. Visualising with such accuracy I can still see it, I cannot tell you what is worse the fact I could see myself doing it or the fact I could understand why women before me have done it.

I guess the up shot of this is that I asked for help, well not really but by my standards I have. I told CH I needed more of a hand and I am writing to release and process.

I have much to process and man I wish I had broadband as I could write so much more and what a healthy well adjusted person I would be. How boring.