Sunday, December 09, 2007

Does it get any better than this?

The perfect day, low cloud and mist settleling in the valley around, smothering all brightness except the twinkle of fairy lights, snuggling under soft blankets with cuddly children, watching The Lion King while eating warm home made piklets with fresh cream and straberry jam.

This is my day no wonder I cannot think about New Years resolutions as honestly there is nothing I would change!

St Johns update

Oh did I mention that I have made it through to the first interview stage for becoming a paramedic? Interview on the 19th, how very exciting!

The day after the morning after

Monday.............................Baking day.....................................

I have that horrible niggling feeling that I have completely forgotten something very important.

Christmas lights on, electronic babysitter on, still in PJ's, chocolate within an arms reach(but not a chubby toddlers digit) Nope it does seem that everything is normal and well with the world. I guess it is just the after alcohol blues. I have no idea why I bother really, well yes I do as I am much better at it than CH. All of yesterday the self pitying sad arse vomited the whole day until his nose bled. Sad bastard.

I too was feeling poorly, as pale as alabaster, cold sweats and the near embarrassment of coming close to dropping draws and doing unspeakable things in a friends garden. Quite a good night, by all accounts, Looking fabulous in my casual attire, my new favourite dress. Although everyone kept calling me Dorothy and hiding their cigarettes in my pockets..............................I do not really understand, Dorothy never had a neckline as plunging!

I really feel like sulking and hiding today and I perhaps stay in my silky gown all day. I wish I could sleep some more as I am having really vivid dreams that I awake almost more tired than when I went to sleep. I do love dreams and especially love the haunting ones that stick with you all day. I am dreaming about having threesomes lately, what do you think that means? Last nights consisted of some middle aged sex therapist/hooker CH had invited into our bedroom to give me a good time! man alive I was so wild and angry in the dream I must have some suppressed rage somewhere.

The night before I too was taken over with rage and with pure eloquence and reaching booming voice with no mercy proceeded to tell someone what I really thought of them. That would never happen again as really it has only happened once.

The previous night yet another threesome with another fellow some I also love but never in this was really loving and amazing. Super dream I need more of those. Is there a pill I can take? The most amazing part of the dreams as that CH will do anything and is self sacrificing to ensure my happiness. Perhaps that is it?

I must try and find a book to tell me what the dreams mean as I have no wish for threesomes, fantastic and fun when young, silly and single...........................I have enough past exploits to last a life time, so its not that.

In my dreams I always end up running and getting the hell out of dodge. Nearly always filled fear, murderers and being chased but always winning. I guess I can be thankful for that.

My own Cinema that plays just for me...................................quite cool really.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Yes you may have some cake and no driving afterwards!

Well I did it finally cracked the Playgroup I go to and it only took three weeks! I did have my doubts as the ladies were not the most welcoming but I finally wooed them with my winning personality and delicious skills on edibles and off I go to a coffee at someones place on Friday. Mind you I could be off to a tar and feathering for all I know.

It was my theory if I just kept turning up they could not ignore me forever. I swear it is much harder to get into a beach Mothers group than it is to get into our Army museum and steal millions of dollars worth of hard earned medals.............................if we go to war may god protect us as our men and women in green are unlikely to!

Oh my Christmas cakes are amazing, so blooming rich and alcoholic that once swallowed you would swear you had a nip if whiskey as the warming feeling is the same. I have indeed found a keeper recipe.

Oh yes off down to Ashvegus for Christmas and Christ on a scooter I am actually looking forward to it! I know!!!!! The devil must be skating on an ice rink, I knew I had gone soft but this is akin to Helen Clark singing "Happy Birthday to Mr President" while dressed as Marylin to John Keys.

Geez I hope I am not dying!

Sunday, December 02, 2007


My first ever iced Christmas cakes I am well underway to rival Martha. Actually I must say that I am quite chuffed as it took no time at all(under an hour) and look at the result imagine how cool things could look if.........................
#1 I knew how to ice cakes
#2 Actually planned and though about it.

I cannot wait for next year then!

Right I must go as we are having people over for dinner this evening and I am about to find if I can buy any canneloni in this meat and two vege town

Christmas at the langdons!

Would you believe at last count we have nearly 900 pretty lights scattered throughout our home! Feck I love Christmas! Right nearly finished my Christmas cake too!

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........

Good always triumphs over evil. Things happen for a reason.

I have to believe, with the week news stories I am truly finding it hard.

May you rest in peace Emma, may people tread carefully where you are laid as buried with you are many New Zealander's hope.

Good ole St John

I have gone and been inspired again.

I am waiting on one more tiny detail and my application to be a Saint Johns volunteer will be underway. Provided I make the grade it will be a most exciting and rewarding experience. I not only get to give back and help my local community I also get the chance to study and learn on the job how to become a paramedic. It will take many years of commitment but it just feel right and I was like a swotty kid at the meeting, so very excited.

I am not sure if you realise this but when you are in need of a Ambulance you are mostly being attended by volunteers. There are few paid positions in Saint Johns as it is a registered charity and nothing to do with the goverment. It is a passion and they really are the unsung heroes, imagine if people stop giving their time, where will we be. Well this is one thing I am not prepared to leave it up to someone else, so hopefully all going well you will be able to join with me in my new adventure over the next few years and you never know you too may get inspired!

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Monday a day of rest, relaxation and magazines by the pool. Yes I still have dreams.

Reality? Scrubbing all day for tomorrow we have a house inspection. My only hope is my children let me do this with as little whingeing as possible. I have never had a house inspection before and as it is through a rental agency past memories of other peoples horrific experience with said inspectors are coming to mind. I know it has to happen but lordy I feel it is such an invasion.

Today as luck would have it we are toilet training and have been for a couple of weeks and already before 9am I have cleaned up 2 accidents. I find it so hard keeping my cool and saying 'next time you will do it in the pottie won't you' When really I am chewing back a very different sentence.

Yes I know I am procrastinating by doing this very blog but let me delude myself for another few minutes.

I really am quite knackered and still recovering from the weekend. My fault really I went around to a girlfriends on friday night where I proceeded to drink far too much cheap wine. By 4am I was awake, felt like I had a mouthful of cornflour and there was no way I could get back to sleep with the pain throbbing behind my eyeballs. Stupidly I got up and within no time I was up too my elbow in mince making hamburger patties, icing cup cakes, making rainbow jelly..........oh it was a very long day. But damn it was cool, Ella had a blast!
Look at my girls........................................they are just lovely at the moment. Poppy is going through a very affectionate stage which means keeping a towel handy to wipe up the slobber from spontaneous displays of love. She is not walking yet but finds in immensely funny to try balancing 'no hands' she is a real parrot at the moment and tries to say things you say but mostly she is just saying the basics, Our names, Hiya!, yep! Ella is a complete chatter box and constantly amazes me with her observations. They are both completely different and really hard cases. I look at the photo above and I find it hard to believe they are my daughters, where the hell did they come from?

Ladybug ladybug fly away home

It is Ok to feel somewhat inadequate while basking in the glow of my Pattisserie it is my first ever attempt at a Childrens Birthday cake and I had a really great time doing it. It may not be the most well put together cake but it tasted fantastic, was extremely moist and more impotantly was a bit of a hit with all the children. The best part of it is the little figures I made around the edge as I have packed them away in a special little box filled with cotton wool to go with Poppy's keepsakes. At this rate I am going to need two extra bedrooms for the crap I keep.
The party was fantastic and everyone was extremely well feed with lots of dancing children giggling their way around the house dropping feckin red and black icing on our carpet(which stains) We are already finding we are being surrounded by the most amazing people who willingly invite us in to share their lives

Monday, November 19, 2007

Lordy I almost cannot cope. Ever since I became a mother I am just a festering open sore of emotion. Missing Christchurch woman Emma Agnew has me in complete turmoil and was saddened by what I read this morning about her family given up hope of ever seeing her alive again.

You all know I am naive and like to think of the good in people but I just cannot believe she is dead for I truly hope and have to believe that good things happened to good people. I am already terrified enough of things in this world and most of the time you can put it down to thinking things only happen in the movies. When we are faced with blood curdling events in every day news it is any wonder we leave our windows unbarred or even venture outside the home for we truly do not know what is stalking us. I feel hunted and I am as unprotected as a turkey around christmas time.

My heart is truly exsposed for her family and should anything like that would happen to my loved ones, I really do not think I could ever breathe again. Absolutely horrific.

I am not a big talker to God but hell I am praying for Emma and her family.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Fucking Facebook

I finally gave in so I could view a couple of friends who do not blog and keep up with their lives and the next thing I knew I had wasted a whole morning. DO NOT DO IT!

Happy Bithday Pops

Friday, what a complete fabulous day. A day to celebrate the one year anniversary of welcoming Poppy into our lives. I love my children's birthdays, not just for the excuse to sprinkle the day with fairy lights, bubbles, cake and giggles, not to even mention chocolate for breakfast but reflecting on how we got here. I am sure friends of mine out there will understand as much as the birth of your child is your greatest physical pain but now that part is long forgotten and I take the opportunity to remember hour by hour what happened to ensure the memory lives. I loved my experience and thinking upon it only makes my love stonger, gosh I am just so in awe of my children 'LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE CREATED!'

I honestly do not know my arse from my elbow at present. I have been a solo mum for about three weeks now as CH works all the hours given then socialises the rest away, the girls only see him for half an hour in the morning, he is so knackered and still five weeks of busy times to go.

I have so many projects on the go that I barely know where to start, in fact the very act of writing this blog entry today is pissing about and in strong denial of the fact I have much to do.

I am making my fist ever Children's cake and am struggling with the looks V's taste debate. I am making a Ladybug cake and I can make it look fantastic in lovely rolled red icing that traditionally graces Christmas cakes but it will taste like crap or I can ice in it a incredibly yummy frosting and have it look 'rustic' but taste great. What is the point in having cake and not having it taste fantastic. I think I have just made my decision.

In the background you can see our outdoor Christmas tree, it does really look lovely and it night our garden is a twinkling wonderland, of course I got burned to a cinder with decorating and I am sure lucky not to have fallen off a ladder with my complete disregard for Occupation health and safety but I love it and I am sure I am the biggest kid around at this time of the year and will be so until my dying day.

This Saturday we are having a party a Christmas/staff party/Poppy's birthday which will be great, poor neighbours I must to some butt kissing. A few weeks ago we had a bit of a night and our small garden became a latrine, fecking filthy animals, two toilets in a house and still they piss on fences. Bloody men constantly like to display the fact they piss anywhere and not once wet their socks!

I so wish you were all here to celebrate with us and help me make colourful treats and rig up an electric fence in out garden area.

Right off to start my day...................................................................



Sunday, November 11, 2007

She's all gone with her red shoes on.....................

I must admit I was a bit anxious about going out with the gals in Whakatane. As you know there is a wee bit of problems up here at present and many had filled my head with tales of violence, warnings of making sure I was home by midnight and other such that should really only be in the realm of campfire tales.

The only reason a little white girl should be home before midnight is utter utter boredom.

I truly expected good bands with lots of regge, dub, drum and bass for that relaxed summertime feeling. Boy was I wrong. All we could manage a shitty little bars and local bands, albeit really good covers bands but just not to my tastes as they belt out 'Mustang Sally' to the overabundant gyrating booze hags.

There was one glimmer of excitement which made me put my money where my mouth is, yet another shitty feet sticking to the floor bar that played host to the younger members of the community. Lots of retro 'rage against the machine' with hip hop mixes. Boy did I feel old being some 14 years senior to most of the bods busting a move there. I love to dance but in all seriousness I was pulling myself to go out and try to foot it with the young 'uns when having not danced in years.

Oh there was a time when I could really move, now its only when Nappies are on special.

I pray that I did not look to bad on the dancefloor..........................old white girls can dance...honest..............................................yeah right. Well at least no one put me in the recovery position.

All in all I had a cracker of a night with a real great bunch of women, admittedly most drink like men so I could never keep up on that score but I cannot wait to do it again. I recommend to one and all of you yummy mummies out there to get off your arse and go have some non family fun!

Thursday, November 08, 2007


I really must lay off the ciggarettes.

I also could be said I should never have started again.

My current excuse seems to be a combination of relaxation and naughtiness. CH as most of you will know hates smokers and sees little point to it. If that is not incentive the I do not know what is.

Honestly there is not much better at the moment than making a good cup of coffee for morning tea on the deck by our bedroom, shutting the door, lighting a ciggarette and basking in the local birds morning chatter. It is a fantastic start for the day it is almost like my own wee motavational meeting.

I am off out tonight I KNOW, SHOCK HORROR! a group of gals who go out for a meal, drinks and a chat once a month. Also this week it may suprise you to know I went for a walk, yes a proper one, I sweated and everything! My neighbour and I have decided to go a couple of times a week. Her name is Jodi, which seems just wrong.

Also next week I have been invited to a Stationery party. Damn right I will go to anything that celebrates staying still. Instead its paper and things, a new one for me and hell its gotta beat a linen party. All I can say is that I better be home by Heroes!

The weather is fabulous here and we have been eating our own strawberries for two weeks now, Hmmn what shall we do today, we baked cool gingerbread shapes yesterday, I think the beach today, get your towel and hat and come with us.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

A Family that plays together, stays together!

I remember once telling a lovely Scotish friend of mine about the state of child abuse in this fair country and cracking a joke similar to my title above. She was appalled at not only my gall to make jest but the fact that so many New Zealand families are riddled with child abuse.

The leading story when I hoped off the plane back in Christchurch was research proving that one in four New Zealanders experience sexual abuse before the age of 15, normally at the hands of a family member or trusted family friend. I know this to be true. The highlight of all this "research" for me was that they now attributed this terrible abuse to loosening advertising and veiwing restrictions, consumption of alcohol and the decay of morals. What a crock of shite, so are they saying companies that advertise a product using women in bikinis promote fiddling with children! You cocks. I do not think you can explain why this happens only that it does, I know it, you know it, it disgusts us as a nation. No one cares, I can prove it.

Heard any more on that story which broke more nearly two weeks ago?

Nope gone for another couple of months, lets help starving children in Chad instead. Its easire to digest. Perhaps somewhere down the track more advertising restrictions or some bullocks and the reason will be citied by the above research.

I have been thinking for some time now how to face this and how we as a community could make positive changes. One half of me cannot even believe we openly discuss this as really IT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN! But it does.

I think somehow somewhere firm lines have to be drawn while other PC ones erased. Our confusion with all this PC bullocks has clouded our judgement and made us doubt our abilities to parent. Ella ever since going to child care she has hated anyone changing her Nappies, I worry but yet she is most likely just being a prat. Ella the other night was playing with some little boys at a party and on the way hime she said "I touched a boy!" If they had not been in my sight the whole time, I would wonder. Is this not bullocks. I am scared for my children and it is perhaps expecting that everyone is a potential kiddy fiddler has given strength to the kiddy fiddler as we have set the expectation long ago.

How to change? I remember going to a play a few years ago and in it was a Man talking about getting a hard on while his child bounced about on his knee, my first reaction was like most and one of utter disgust but then he went onto say he felt terrible about it and how that must mean he was an abuser and it was not until he thought about it rationally that it was just the movement and not what actually what was on his knee that did it, I guess like some men get a driving hard on and that does not mean the want to have sex with the car!

It is normal natural things that happen that we cannot talk about anymore that we have created a monster, gosh when I think of all the things we did as children we would have been called sexual preditors by some as making poor little fellow from down the road play spin the bottle or flush his naked arse down the loo or fiddle with each others bits when playing doctors and nurses all harmless fun with complete lack of understading but now considerered taboo when really it was natural inqusitiveness.

Punishment is part of the solution, public floggings perhaps. Teaching our children common sense has to be another part of it as they need to know the difference between uncle playfully slapping them on the arse if given the opportunity to inappropriate behavior. We need to give them strength and courage to stand for what is right and nurture those parental bonds to ensure the lines of communication are open.

The past is gone and cannot be changed and tomorrow is not yet here so what we do with today really matters. Remember that.


God dammit I need some clarity in my life and one heck of an explanation!

As you know I have a nasty wee habit of tele watching and wait poised for the mind mushing return of the new series of my favourte TV programmes.

One of those is 24. I magine my surprise when trying to drag myself off to bed at 11pm last night when an episode of 24 that I have never seen came on! At that time of night, you bastards!

What the heck, is this a new series or another series I have never seen.

Can anyone clarify?

Melbourne the homecoming

Ella checking herself out in her halloween outfit complete with her highlight LIPSTICK look at the lush curls!

The girls at a Twilight county fair last week.

I must admit to sulking for almost a week upon my return. Do not get me wrong I love my life and my children are my reason for taking breath. Before I left I had huge anxiety about leaving especially my youngest but to my surprise It took me three days to miss them. It was a timely break and reminder that I am not just the Mother of Ella and Poppy or the wife of Jason. I drank, smoked like a train, took pills and giggled my way through the day without a shitty nappy in sight.

Girl power is what it was, no matter how close you are to your husband there are just things that you can do with your girl friends that you cannot do with your husband. Spending full time hours in shops, perving at eye candy all the while discussing female issues and most likely coming up with a cure for world hunger. I recommend to all my sisters out there to plan a similar gal getaway as it really gets you back to basics and fills you with the joie De vere once again.

By the fourth day however I really did long for my girls but was helped along by some lovely wee mothers helpers, I am not really into pills but these little cherubs are amazing they have a combination a herbs for general well being but they do contain some BZP, the effect was outstanding, I felt happiness like I have not felt in years, energy was just beaming from every orifice and they really made the holiday. Go figure! I now have a supply and will only use for special occasions as I can see now why thing like this were chewed on like candy for the Mums of the 60's, 70's and 80's.

CH was fabulous with the children and was the most amazing star and now I can see he understands what my day is about and how truly thankful and appreciated my Motherly skills are. The best thing for me is to see he truly has got to know Poppy and that is just beautiful.

Melbourne the shopping

Blessed are the visa card users for they shall inherit the world!

I was such a dithering mess when I left and although I had the blessing of my husband who constantly encouraged me to spend money, I really did think I would hold back a little on the spending. Boy was I wrong I shopped like I have never and will never shop again. I left NZ with 13kgs and returned with 51kgs of clothing and accessories, you will be pleased to know I got all on my wish list and then I got more. The prices choice and originality was gobsmacking and I truly nearly brought in every shop I visited. We spent the bulk of our time in Bridge Street which is quite like a much larger High Street in Christchurch and Smith street. We never ventured into one of those mammoth DFO malls as the prices of Bridge street was much cheaper. We also went to the Victoria Market and I was truly expecting to go nuts there but it was mostly junk.

Duty free I love it, I got three perfumes, skin and eye care, alcohol and most importantly the huge fuck off Toblerones, man I adore them and sadly I only have one left and it is on borrowed time.

Those who know me well we also know my aversion to exercise, well ladies I walked my arse off and every day my muscles were stiff and sore from lugging gargantuan bags of shopping, yes I had shopping injuries. My feet as you know are interesting in shape and tied to thwart my escapades at every level. Much to my surprise I bought a pair of Crocs. Now in the past I have cast scorn and made vomiting noises at those wearing the hideous summer gumboot and even as recently has a week before I left I giggled at the stupidity of my sister for spending $50 on a pair of Croc thongs. I now own a pair of croc thongs and I have to say that without these glorious plastic fantastics I would have had to stop shopping or go bare footed.

Favourite buys,
Transformers belt buckle,
Fabulous summer dress
and these forgiving denim Gripp 3/4's

Melborne the food

I have been home for well over a week now and my holiday still takes up much of my day.

Melbourne was without a shadow of doubt fabulous. Words could not ever convey how blooming ridiculously fantastic my time away was. For the entire trip I was a giddy little schoolgirl with eyes as big as saucers and a dorky grin to match!

The food was outstanding in every way and as much as it pains me to admit this but the culinary standard of most restaurants made their NZ counterparts look like Ma and Pa’s tuck shop. We only had five nights which meant cold and harsh decision making on what parts of Melbourne to explore, in China town I tried Peking duck for the very first time and I will just kill myself if that was the last time I will ever experience its succulent, bewilderingly tasty little packages.

We feasted upon much fresh prawn, squid, fish, exotic terrines, cured meats, mouth zapping relishes, amazing new season Queensland nectarines and fresh sushi but my personal favourite was Melbounians love of juice bars, Oh it is that orchard fresh goodness I miss most of all. I feel so isolated in a town where a juice bar is the local pub with raro on tap.

The best night by far was the Sunday evening, D and I were belles of the ball I cannot remember what the lane was called but it is only there at night and all of the tables were lit with candle light and the weather warm and muggy and a two piece jazz band played through our meal. At about dessert we started getting the glad eye from the band and before we knew they were serenading us in Italian with songs of our choice. I noticed the girl in the table next to us was having a birthday a pretty wee Malaysian girl celebrating her 18th. It ending up D and I dragged her up to dance and before you knew it we were having an amazing time dancing for the other diners. One of the partners of the jazz player a rather large Italian lady was up dancing first and man alive could this lady dance and she would severely put most to shame, what a love of life and younger men this woman had, the soles of my feet still bear some of the inground Melbourne pavement I got from dancing like a snake!!! I know it is what one of the old Italians described my dancing skills………………………………….. What a night but the merriment soon came to an end and about 3am I was cursed with having the dry horrors and not a drop of water to drink, painfully remembering why I do not drink often!

Sunday, October 14, 2007

He He he he he ohhhh dear heeeee he

Three sleeps to go, I am so excited.

Not only am I going to spend loads of time with fav gal, go on a plane, stay in a hotel, Duty free treats, eat lots of fab food, drink bubbles, bright lights and big city, shopping from here to Africa and not a shitty nappy in sight.

I could just pee myself......................................

On to important matters.


What to buy................................

#Grey stuff, yes big next year I think

#Citrus shades, great for summer

#Gladiator Sandals, lots of strap and a bit of heel.

#Knee length shorts, hiding the bits I want disguised.

#Longish tops.

#Engineered suck me in pants.

#Tunics, Halter in style, sweetheart neckline to balance out arse with small shoulders and enhance bust, not too long.

#Capri pants, with very specific lengths

#Crop 3/4 only if firm around the hips and wide floaty legs to show pin ankles and perhaps give the illusion that my legs are like that all the way up

#Perfume, Hmmn I think I will have to get my stock standard Hypnotic Poison but I am over issey for summer so I need to do some testing.

#Facial products in particular micro dermabraison I still need to investigate that one.

#Casual shoes

#Casual and funky Hoodies

#Jeans!!! Hmmn or at the very least great casual pants

#Swim wear to cover wobbly bitsahh hell or perhaps a wet suit.

#Gorgeous Lingerie, lift and present boobies


#More handbags of course

Well thats the basics covered!

Hello poor house and beans on toast, still very worth it

Saturday, October 13, 2007

The new Do

There we go, you asked for it one fabulous self potrait of new do, does not even resemble what I left the salon with as it has more of a just got out of bed look.................cos I have, minus the hooker lipstick. Hey you can even see my freckles!

Quite an interesting experience at the salon, not your normal bullocky converstion but more a course in local education as we spoke manly about gangs!

This is the unusual thing in living up here is just how much gangs are in the every day life, I decided to get my hair cut in Kopeopeo which is apparently a Blackpower haven but I love it for the people watching it is great. I toatally stick out like a sore thumb as most of the people I have met thus far would not think of shopping there. I find this whole gang relationship quite interesting as all of my experience which is few and far between is of White gangs. I guess more to the point I understand it on some level as most of you will know that I have no blood family I have not given birth too and little knowlege of my heritage so the idea of a bigger family is a little in the realm of hopes and dreams for me. I know that gangs are not really like this but the truth of the matter is there are good people and bad bastards everywhere and a patch does not nicely classify them as either. Many people have told me that once I live here a few years I will hate Maoris, I find this disturbing. I have always felt a real strong and emotional connection with Maori culture as if one day I hope to find that I am one so I no longer have to feel like a fraud. Just more of wanting that sense of belonging I guess.

I have met some really lovely women here, intelligent capable and with great jobs, yet their men are fully patched up members in the local gang. I do not know what I expected, more like toothless middle aged old hags with my hooker lippie on chugging back a cheap arse beer.

I think I should start my own gang and base it on more like a female Freemason to guard all our female secrets and pass on skills through each other and encourage learning and growth for future generations, a haven of sorts to give strength to one another and next step world domination!

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Matriarch Misadventures

A huge Thankyou to the wonderful men of our All Blacks.

I and other rugby families will no longer have to put up with Rugby bullocks, late nights and early mornings and boring replays.

What if this whole thing was orchestrated and planned by the women of the world and put into action by the wives and girlfriends of all involved with the World Cup.

This could happen, or has it?
When I am Queen of this fair country, you Grab-a-seat bastards will be the first up against the wall.

You arse vomit sodden pricks, I am completely and utterly gutted with these sheep buggering bandit cheap fares. Every time there is a fare I could use, I wait, eyes glues, children abandoned and bawling, credit card poised, nose picking finger at the ready to punch in my details.

This time I got through with record speed, right through to punching in my credit card detail and giggling with glee and then flashing read meassage, " Sorry those flights are no longer available."

Who has my fucken tickets?


I cannot use this site again, my temper will not hold.

Pledge Update

I never complain to manufacturers, even about important things. This time I was so wild that I did. Today I recieved a $15 voucher in the post with the advice that in future I should spray upon cloth instead of directly on to surface. So go fourth and spay.

Christmas Ahoy

It has begun, three days of prep and the result is the most weighty, decadent and rich, plonk swamped Christmas cakes I have ever made. These monsters will almost double in weight with their weekly feeding of port on the lead up to Christmas.

I love Christmas cake day it is a new tradition I started as my own Mother once made a christmas cake sponge mixture and fruit mix the night before and I still loved loved it, it was only the once and I remember it well. I always had this dream of a proper Christmas card family Christmas with all the family pitching in and making it a truly magical event, Christmas carols playing while all standing around the massive bowls of cake batter and each stiring the mix and making a wish.

In reality what a complete balls up it was to try to do with a baby and a naughty toddler helping you bake and who knows what my oldest minion managed to get into the batter when my back was turned. It would take a complete saint to enjoy this event and not come a sweaty scarlet bundle with gang banger curses. The buggers ground me down and pissed all over my Christmas card vision.

However I live to tell the story and will of course look forward to next year. Ella is already amped for Christmas, we have been doing some pretty instensive training but so far all she wants for Christmas is a Christmas Cake and a Christmas Tree, oh bless.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I must admit to being a little insular of late and I really do not have a clue about what is going on in the big wide world, I generally only get a small bit of down time to watch the first few items on the news, which is normally only National pieces and our reception is so bad that we cannot get any national radio shows. I am only getting wee snippets here just enough to peak my interest but does little to explain the full story. I am a bit lost really as I have no one worldly enough in my life that cares enough about world events to explain them. I must put that on my list for possible friend description. I already have Lucy who will help me with Te Reo, a good start.

I am quite interested in the chap Ahmadinejad I do not know what it is but I think it has something to do with how he looks and it does not really match up with what falls from his mouth. I do wonder how much is lost in translation.

As for this Myanmar/Burma conflict, how can I have any idea of what is going on if no one can seem to agree what to blooming call the country. I think it is something along the UN using Myanmar and Americans using Burma. Where do the people live Burma or Myanmar. 45 years of Military rule...........................the biggest uprising since the death of over three thousand over 20 years ago...............something has gotta give.

I need more time in my day, a stolen hour to read the newspaper everyday, right lets try to make that happen.

clean and dust

There in all its calming blue colours my destroyer of yesterday. Do not be fooled by the magpie catching colour, holographic sparkly bits, fabulous smell and smorgasboard of empty cleaning promises.

I am normally not one to shit on cleaning product, cos who really cares but on this one I am pulling my draws down and lining it up.

Yesterday three of my husbands superiors from head office were coming for dinner, I of course relishing the chance to fatten people up but thought I had best have a bit of a spring clean. Our Kitchen is only three years old, lovely new easy clean laminate. In the sunlight there was the odd mark on the doors around the handle so off I went with said spray and spot cleaned the whole kitchen. Once I finished I stood back to look at my work and FUCK A DUCK they looked ten time worse a big greasy patch where I had cleaned, I waited for it to dry. It did not. I then thought FUCK I was already late and now I had to clean the blasted everything from floor to ceiling.

Once finished I stood back and Mother of god I shit you not all surfaces look like I had smeared bacon fat upon it. To make matters worse I went to answer my phone and fell completely on my arse as I had got some spray on the floor and it was now a slippery surface, my daughter ran in arsed up as well and cracked her head on one of the fat covered doors. Screaming and tears reign supreme and Ella was upset too.

To further feed my fury, upon looking at the product to ensure I was using correctly and whom to complain to should I ever get the time I see what appears to be spelling errors in the contact details(perhaps I am wrong and it is correct in some language), which makes me think if they do not have the resources to get this little thing right then we are most likely pissing in the wind to hope they care about the integrity of their product.
I am hoping it was just a bad patch as I do use there other products, well I did.
Oh dear what have I become anyone seen pre child Jody?

Smelling of roses

Would you believe that this week I have stepped out of gumboots covered in Sheep, cow, pig and goat shit? Not quite the black farmers boots you imagine but a lovely little white pair covered in big red roses, and of course they have now been though the wash………………and disinfected.

The girls and I joined our daycare place on a bus trip to a farm. Granted it was not ideal that I had had a few beers and wine the previous night, as it just seemed amplify the high pitch screams and squawked versions of the “Wheels on the Bus” Bit the farm was fabulous and I was green with both shit and envy at their veggie garden the whole experience left a huge impression upon Ella in particular that “Cows do Pooooooooooos!” We also collected eggs from the chicken coops, bloody clever chickens up these parts as they lay them hard boiled (chas and dave you will have to lift your game). The downside of that is I have now have had to move our eggs at home as they are not hard boiled and do not bounce as well.

Thus far I have also had two coffees with some other Mums who I am testing out for the role of friend but I am still looking, I am guilty of still treating this place like a holiday and love getting up every morning and going exploring, I will settle down and create some routine once back from Melbourne…………….really.

We had three people over for dinner last and this house is great for entertaining and you all know my love of food and my overwhelming urge to feed everyone so book in to Casa Langdon as reservations are tightening up.

What I have under my bonnet

My child will surely question my grasp on reality when she gets an eyeful of what her dear old Mum used to dress her in.

Quaint, old fashioned, practical and blooming cute................much like me really. I came across this wonderful little community shop run by about 60 old ducks who all are talented at crafting and all profits go to charity. Lovely ladies and you really need to take an extra half an hour when you pop in for mindless chit chat but for handmade full of love products it is all worth it.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Melbourne Awaits

I am so excited, almost a year of planning and in less than one month I will be winging my way to endless shopping, eating, drinking with fav gal pal D. I even am in love with the new advertising Melbourne campaign, great dress and music. I have started the list on what to get but to be fair it is getting a little out of control. Research is what I need, NO what I really need is the Fashion Channel, god I loved it..................bring it back, it was the perfect couple channel, cutting edge designers for the ladies and Boobs for the boys, whats not to love.

Speaking of fashion, its bloody NZ fashion week and the coverage has really sucked just pathetic uncaring journos asking boring questions like "Whats your one tip for the general public to look good!" Oh the shame. I quite like, but I need more more more!

Speaking of good websites, for all your nutritional supplements and general self help health, check out this fab site, great prices, prompt service, in fact the most pleasant online buying experience I have had.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Feck! Piss! ARSE!

On average I tidy the kitchen a minimum of five times a day. Brekkie, Morning T, Lunch, Avo T, pre dinner dishes, Baking and dinner dishes.

Why is it when CH has a day off during the week he chooses a non allocated eating time to bring out the largest, hardest to clean pan, fry off some stinking bacon that spews grease all over my sparkling ceramic hobb and splash back throws in an egg and gets half of it on said hobb. Then wonders why I say no to a fully cooked lunch at about two in the avo.

Mother of god I need to go back to work so I can stop obsessing and be cool about messy kichen all day.

Being cool now.....................................................

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Pork crackle, jellied eels and pork pies STAT

It is often said you reap what you sow and could not possibly ring more true than with your own children. Ella at present is enchanting and just a little excretement rolled into one challenging bundle. Her ‘In’ words at present are “No worries Mama” after I have just told her off for something and the new and infuriating “But I am being funny Mama!” used in such occasions as she wears a Nappy on her head, legs through dressing gown arms and staying about a metre out of reach when we should have been at the doctors five minutes ago!

Given as parents are told countless times how their little brains soak up more learning in the first couple of years of life, I am now thinking I really should have vetted the TV programmes a bit more as I am sure they have helped shape her sense of humour. All her favourite viewing pleasures possess an all American twang with a side of apple pie goodness. My first thought was to dash out and copy all my BBC video classics onto DVD format and have Red dwarf, Monty Python, Black Adder, Smith and Jones all playing in the background. As of course my sense of humour leans more to British than American.

What a crock of shit. I have had that same British V’s American debate with many in the past and if I truly think about it can I name 10 current TV programmes that I love that are British comedy? 5? 2?!!!!!! No, However, I can say with hand on heart the only programmes I watch at present from that area of the world are Spooks and Dr Who, and not really comedies at all, well Dr Who loosely. The same cannot be said about American programmes as all my favs are from that side of the world. Dang!

As my mate David say “I afraid of Americans, I afraid I can’t help IT!” Why do I and others have I this thing against Americans? I mean recently I could have become quite good friends with some I have met, Oh actually……. one was a Canadian. What ever it is, it is fairly deep rooted as even when we speak of our time overseas one of the first things we say is that it was a fabulous time to travel as the war was on and there were no Americans travelling and the usual response by those we tell is a knowing nod and snigger.

Perhaps I just need to say it, “I love many American trashy television programmes” No let’s try that again.

I love many American and Canadian Television programmes, they truly can make fantastic absorbing television, and I look forward to the day I can eat at an American smorgasboard and order one of those fecking fantastic looking pizza’s and dial a number that starts with 555”

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Whale Island, that lump to the right, not the one directly below

Miles to the left and many more miles to the right. A soft sandy beach as far as the eyes can see and all just five minutes from our kitchen table. A truly beautiful day as warm as a Christchurch summer and all this months before Summer months hit. We are gonna fry our arses off!

Such a relaxing day, Ella built her first sandcastle and all I really could do was sit on my hands and watch as truly all I wanted to do was take over and build some Rococo masterpiece, next time I am taking my own bucket and spade.

Jason took this photo, one of the few I have with the children. We have decided he should take more of me and the children as should god forbid something happens to me the only proof of my existance is the odd fuzzy finger over the camera lens. However rules will have to be adhered to, photos will only be taken when I look completely hot(simmering not sweaty), have much makeup on to pull off that natural look, all bra straps should be hidden, legs closed and knickers or builders bum not showing, boobs as perky as a twenty year olds and lardy lunpy bits fully sucked in and who can forget a bloody miracle to make that all happen.

Monday, September 10, 2007


Well we have made it, settled and almost 80% unpacked. The drive up was really fantastic and catching up with a couple pals on the way was a mammoth bonus. The girls were great and oh my god what a beautiful country we live in (Bulls,Waiouru and Foxton excluded!)

Here is a photo of our new home, WE LIVE IN PLEASANTVILLE! For many years I would drive past these boring human boxed settlements and shudder and the thought of living in such a place. I now of course realise that was simply self preservation as I LOVE THIS HOUSE!. We have four bedrooms, our room has a ensuite, walk in wardrobe and concertina doors that open to a deck! The whole house has fabulous indoor/outdoor flow, heatpump, great chefs kitchen and all day sun. We live in a lovely wee valley on top of a hill, with a bird sactuary and many bush walks at the end of the street(our cat is rapt!) Five minutes to the centre of town one way and five minutes to the beach the other way.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007


Here we have it, a photo of my hotness, unfortunately next to a youthful glowing mum to be, my stark wartyness is very very clear, said youthful mother will most likely be rapt she is plastered on my blog...................rasp.

To all you lovely blenhiem gals, I will miss you.

For all those who have not seen my girls in a while, here they are in all their cherub glory as they will most likely be at school when I get around to blogging again.

Not the most glam photo of Pops, but does get her personality quite accurately. Ahh and Ella, she choose the outfit herself you know.

Righto catch up with you all in the next month


Monday, August 20, 2007

Oh golly gosh

Slack, slothful, lazy, idle, some.

I however call it complete denial. As of one week ago we decided to move to Whakatane. Should have been packing really.

We make the journey north on September 3rd and prepare for normal blogging and soon as I know which way is up.........................................................

Let the fun begin......................................


Sunday, July 15, 2007

Pum jam, preserved plum, plum tart, plum sauce, plum pudding

Just when you start to think that you ankles look pretty hot in these new parenting shoes some bugger tries to bite your nipple off!

Baby Bobbit we shall call the previously mentioned bugger. I have always been pro breast feeding in fact I even did a breast feeding course and even managed to get CH there(major achievement and to his credit he fully encourages other men to go). I will not even begin to tell you how hard I found it but the end result is I now love it and believe it nurtures an amazing bond between mother and child. Poppy has always been a shit to feed, always preferred the drive in option, no time for pissing about, used to clench and bite when the letdown was not fast enough, if I talked to someone, if the TV was too loud, if somebody moved……you name it. In complete contrast is Ella, whom I fed until she was well over one and only stopped because I was pregnant, she was a joy to feed. People often asked me how I fed through teething and how I coped with biting of a child so old. My face would cringe a little, grasp my boob and have that knowing look……..quietly thinking I must be a double hard bastard…………….I now know this to be complete Mock disdain. All those little nips and clenches were nothing.

Currently there is a nipple disguised as a ‘Nurple’ on my boob, Anyone missing a overripe plum? This is not mild discomfort, this so sore I cannot sleep on that side. The worst of it is, she has her favourite one to bite and as hard as it is to continues feeding, the little sod keeps doing it, I am almost in the fetal position just thinking about it. I now have to be vigilant and watch everything that little mouth is doing for the moment the milk stop flowing she eyeballs me adjusts her grip then CHOMP. It is like Russian roulette, can I get my finger in her mouth and release suction quicker than she can stay in for a bite to eat. The looks she gives is priceless.

She is feeding less and less and I do wonder if she is self weaning, I cannot say I am ready yet but in truth I do not think you ever are, I still give Ella a bottle at night just for the closeness and to have her stay in the one spot for more than a minute.

Well only a couple more hours until the next feed........................................cringe

Thursday, July 12, 2007

oh well

Do a search on Whakatane, CH suggests.................................................. look what I found

Black Power agrees to ban patches in town
Photo : NZPA
Black Power leaders and police have reached a landmark agreement for the gang to "colour down" in an effort to reduce gang tensions in Whakatane.
The accord follows a violent street battle that erupted between about 30 Black Power members and Opotiki Mongrel Mob members in downtown Kopeopeo on June 28.
A sword, knives, wooden bats and planks of wood were used as weapons in the vicious all-in brawl, which took place amid crowds of schoolchildren making their way home.
It began after patched Mongrel Mob members gathered in Kopeopeo to await the release of a body of one of their members from a funeral parlour.
Local Black Power members took exception to their presence and display of gang regalia leading to a violent clash.
Senior Sergeant Bruce Jenkins, of the Whakatane police, said they were also aware of "further simmering of tensions" last weekend in central Whakatane, involving local and out-of-town gang members outside bars late at night.
Whakatane has for many years been known as a Black Power town, while outlying areas, including Taneatua and Kawerau, are Mongrel Mob strongholds.
Mr Jenkins said that following the Kopeopeo brawl, police and Black Power hierarchy had come together in an endeavour to prevent any more violence and quell tensions.
All members of the gang had agreed to ban the wearing of patches, bandannas and other regalia while in town.
Opotiki police had held similar talks with the Opotiki Mongrel Mob about the June 28 incident.
The agreement did not go as far as one in Wanganui, where the district council had moved to create a bylaw to ban gang regalia and colours from the central business district and all other public places in the city.
Mr Jenkins said the agreement to colour down would go a long way to making Whakatane a safer place, enabling Black Power to maintain a passive presence and be part of the community, without creating friction.
"This effectively means Whakatane is a patch and gang regalia free town, which outsiders also need to take notice of."
Police were also working to identify and address the underlying causes of last weekend's tensions and had called another meeting with local gang leaders to help speed the constructive dialogue between all parties.
Mr Jenkins said police had impressed on the gangs the need to take a more mature and responsible attitude and not resort to violence as a means of settling their differences.
"Things have been working well up until recently and we want to restore any mutual understanding or unwritten rules that have been in place, which has seen very little gang tension over the past few years.
"A gang war in Whakatane would have a huge social and economic impact. Both gangs need to step back and let the police do their job. This includes staying away from town if they can't help but taunt each other.
Police would also visit local bars and licensees, in an endeavour to identify and trespass any troublemakers.
"Both sides need to get a very clear message -- that anyone found stepping out of line will be dealt with very firmly by the police."
Four Black Power gang members were arrested following the June 28 fracas and charged with rioting, participating in an organised criminal group, possession of offensive weapons, obstructing police and resisting arrest.
They have appeared in Whakatane District Court and remanded on bail to July 17.


If if's and but were lollies and nuts it would be blooming Christmas every day.

Well no news is good news huh! Not fecking likely girls. All it really means is that someone somewhere is pissing about. I am lost again with no direction and we all know this means disaster for the next poor bastard I get ahold of.

This Whakatane business is driving me insane to the point of infiltrating my dreams. I give it so little respect I cannot even get the name right half the time and keep referring to it as Wanganui, which apparently is vastly different............................................ARSE. Fuckatane.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The round up

I perhaps have neglected to mention a thing or two.

Firstly I have been toddler free for almost a week as Grandma took Ella to Wellington. I with not a shadow of exaggeration have had a abslolute ball, loving every separated minute. That in itself has been the source of much guilt but to be kind to myself I really needed the break as the little bugger was wearing me down. It has taken a week to get back on track and it has been amazing just being able to focus on my little Poppy, we have had the most lovely time and she has made me smile all week. She is going through that incredibly cuddly stage and just looks at you with her big baby blues with unconditional love and smiles and giggles at everything you do.

I have also chopped all my hair off and dyed it black, to those who know me from old it is like welcoming an old friend to my new friends it is one hell of a shock. I think it looks quite good but more importantly I feel more like I am a new and improved, repackaged model of an old and warty mother.

What do you know about Whakatane? CH has been asked to consider transferring to the north island to futher his career and look after three stores in the Bay of Plenty. I have reservations.
I do not know what is more unnerving, going to The Bay of Plenty or the fact I have reservations. I never have reservations about moving. I love to move and change and have always looked forward to new things with excitement. This time however it is making my skin crawl. What to do, what to do. It could be not having confidence in myself, it could be some silly hormones running through my body, it could be being tired and anxious.

Which makes me wonder about when should our bodies be all systems running well after child birth and breast feeding? Is there a time frame? We are all told things about post natal depression and the like but is there other times you should know about when your hormones try hang you? I have not been very well for a few months now so I am looking at changing a thing or two to see if I can make a difference. Every morning I am having a fruit non dairy spiralina smoothy with flaxseed oil and attempting to do more exercise as well as a good womens multi and lastly a big increase of vegetables and whole grains. It has only been a week so very early days but a positive step none the less.

Sleep is also a big issue and until last week I had not slept more than three hours in one stint in well over16 months. I have had some really strange experiences of late and wondering if somehow I can put it down to not sleeping. Poppy as you know is an horrific sleeper and will cry all night, on a bad night every twenty minutes until about 3am. We have tried many many things. Last week we went to the Doctor to once again see if there is anything wrong or alternatives like cranial minipulation. We left like two stunned mullets as in our hands we had a bottle of sedative. We both felt a little unhinged about using it but decided that to keep our family stong we had to get sleep. That night we got it out and found a syringe to measure the appropriate amount and got ready to use it.

The little bugger slept through! only until 4am but SHE SLEPT THROUGH! and she has done so every night since! The best thing we ever did was threatening her with sedation. I am glad we did not use it but also wary and relieved we have it just in case this new wonder does not last.

Its a sign

31 years old, to some it would be a milestone they reached in their youth and to others an impossibly distant middle age, for me it will go down in my history book as the year my nasal hair kicked in.

I have often looked at my husband nose and more often that not there is a thick black hair trying hard to escape and I even thoughtfully purchased him a lovely matt silver nasal trimmer for christmas one year. Reminds me of one of my favourite childhood books 'The Twits'

I cannot even say my nose is even close to that but is it only a matter of time? You see I have bogey nose of late it could be the result of having a cold for nearly a solid two months but the other day I hopped into my car, checked the rear mirror and was something was grinning back at me from up my nose! How long had it been there? Why had I not felt it? Son of a biscuit I must have a bush up my nose to hold up something and defy gravity like that! am I now going to be the 'bogey woman?' You know we all make names up for others we do not take the time to learn their names, mostly unkind in nature like 'Smelly woman' or 'winge woman' here...............................not a whif of it.................

Robots in disguiseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Autobots TRANSFORM! roars fricking master of all Optimus Prime,
Megatron and his mentalist Decepticons are in range of the Energon Cube, allowing said baddies to obtain the cube will mean genocide for mankind!

Oh my gosh I am such a geek, I loved this movie. The best action flick I have seen in sometime. Real apple pie and punch the air stuff, but fantastic. The CGI was amazing, really funny too.

You gotta go. Even just to escape the drudges of the everyday go and immerse your self in warm buttery popcorn goodness.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Fast cars

I also heard that The Christchurch City council is thinking about passing a curfew in four streets in the city in order to stop young hoons from driving their fast cars and congregating and setting hedges on fire.

I have plans on driving down those same streets then sueing for discrimination for not being young and cool enough for the police to stop, Sigh.

Rockstar Popstar

Butter would not melt eh? Of course it would not melt as she would most likely spit it in your eye then tell you where to ram it!

Still not sleeping through the night, not even showing signs of trying to. Boy, the girl is a screamer, the stamina and will power is quite something.

Just as well my love is neverending, you have gotta love a Mothers bond, simply amazing. I am still in awe.

The girls updated

Responsible driving

Sleep easy tonight friends for earlier today I heard upon the news that The Catholic Church has released new commandments in regards to driving. They are now encouraging people NOT to drink and drive...................why were they encouraging them previously! Or perhaps it is like encouraging priests not to interfere with altar boys and girls...................................yeah cause that worked well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Next they will be partaking in the blood ribena for communion.

Futhermore Catholics should pray while driving, bit of a bugger for me as if I am doing some serious praying my eyes are closed, I suppose that would be called blind faith, devine intervention or even the hand of god to get me through a round about with my eyes closed! Could improve my driving.

Parishioners should also make the sign of the cross before going on a journey, sounds good, in practice, but I think I will continue to wait for an opportunity to wind down the window and really show how cross I am!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Ahhhh family

At what point do relatively normal females suddenly become smelly old women? I say this mostly tongue in cheek with only a sliver of actual fear. After all I once found it completely disgusting to wear anything other than little bits of lace with anal floss for knickers, at least all those watching our attempt at the America’s Cup will sleep easy knowing that if Team New Zealand drop a spinnaker they can knock on my door and borrow my undies.

I have just has my mother stay the week just gone and no disrespect intended BUT she smells. Now I am not talking about bad hygiene but they ability to drop the most silent and violent farts that I have ever smelt! To venture into the necessity room after one little visit from my mum took an act of courage or immense urgency, I swear to you that in that room there is a smell that would outlast digital television. A whole week of getting little powder puffs of arse vomit, I am truly blessed. I swear if she stayed for much longer, Ella's next sentence will soon be ‘Eugh…cough…choke..what the feck is that?!!!!!’

At least at times she did take the hint and farted outside of the vehicle but for the love of god they followed her in!

I have been thinking back from when I lived with my mum and I am sure she was not all that bad. Her diet certainly has not changed as she still enjoys the same god awful menu of boiled steak, boiled cabbage (with baking soda to ensure limp mush) and boiled spuds. I am sure she was not all that abrasive to my nostrils last visit so it must happened around the age of 65. From the smells of it, at that point your insides start rotting.

I think something similar seems to happen to Asian women. I see many young and beautiful women and dehydrated old crones not too many of the in between transition. Do they just go to sleep young and wake old and warty? Is there an ugly pill that gets handed out when the fail the ole boob pencil test? Do they hide? Where are they?

If you want to know where my Mum is just follow the stench.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Monday, June 11, 2007

S.M.S.A (save my sorry arse)

Yes no blogs. Reason, whole family has been ill over the last month, most likely the plague.

Obviously not the plague as that might deter family visits.

Currently using subtofuge and skull duggery to type this blog, only another week to go and my crazyness will be gone much like my family.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Turbo powers are GO!!

Yes ladies, I did threaten it. I had been flirting with infomercials for some time now and had fully convinced myself that the number one phenomenon in exercise was for me. TURBO JAM! and bugger me but it is not all that bad.

Thus far I have exercised five days in the past six. Truly unheard of in my world. The real eye opener is that I did know I was unfit but I will still holding on to a glimmer of hope that it would not be all that bad. It was so much worse.

Day one, I watched the learner sequence that showed you how to do the eleven moves used in the workout. I could not make it past the learning for not only is my coordination shot but I was a sweating gibbering mess by the end of the learning section.

Day Two, Success I completed the first fifteen minutes learning and graduated on to a fifteen minute workout.

It has continued and now I can do most of the moves and put them together in a almost exercise like manner. I am encouraged with how quickly things get easier, So all in all coming together nicely my next hurdle is how to gag whingeing children.

Not changing my diet yet and focusing on getting mobile.

A good friend said to me recently something along the lines of "If you change nothing in your life then how can your life change" Well said and point taken.

Also wanting to do a Triathalon, well baby steps huh!

Play group drama

I knew it was too good to be true, a gaggle of girls meeting once a week and not having bitchy catfights. It happened yesterday and I was not even involved but still I feel the discomfort. Thats the problem, ever since I had my babies my empathy is off the charts and I simply cannot handle others hurt. Particulary when a bully is involved.

You hear of Mother's Group bullies, I have actually been witness to one before and then as per usual I chose to get the hell out Dodge. This is normally fairly easy for me to cut ties with little coffee groups, in the past I really have not wanted to attend so it has been an easy and predictable out. This however is different as there is many women here that I truly like and do not want to bail because it is too hard. Besides I bet it will have blown over in a week or two.

Coffee group ettiquitte is quite complex with many unwritten boundries that differ from group to group. Hell the hell, do you as learner parent stand a chance against a coffee weary veteran in a confrontation. You can always tell the ladies who for years frequent these dens of the instant blend. They are the ones who always have their crappy stained clothes on(because they have learned not to wear their best like new Mummies and besides are so comfortable with who they are and how they parent), their children always have their nose crusted in snot and usually have a shitty nappy which is laughed off, they are not phased by their child bonking kiddies on the head and only laugh when some other child steals their kids lunch.

Ah so much to learn, I am not even close to being at that stage but am slowly getting there. I remember a time when I would throw stern accusing looks at snotty nosed children, MY CHILD MIGHT CATCH A COLD! or the first time another child pushed my first born, now it is my child pushing others, mainly where food is involved of course. The way she eats at playgroup is just embarrassing, but that is another story. In fact I think it was commented today that perhaps Ella should have her own table to give others a fighting chance of eating something.

OH the shame! ya see I still need my training wheels

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Do you have a secret friend? I did. Someone who is so special that upon my most wakeful hours I can retreat into the depths of my mind and have adventures or seek comfort. Someone who is so high upon a pedestal that they have aged only as you have wanted and imagined them to. Someone who can look into your eyes and only see the goodness of your soul. A fantastic friendship, one not tarnished by sexual innuendo and really if at all honest completely made up. This one however is very much alive.......................... and yet is very dead to me.

Normally I am thankful of such a wistful imagination but today I am just haunted. I dreamt of said person last night, which is quite normal but this time was very different. Normally my dreams are fun, full of laughs and interesting times. In my dreams I always meet with this person and I imagine myself from years ago completely untarnished by the years. This time I was myself in all my old, warty, worn and wrinkled glory. It was horrible. I felt exsposed and as embarressed as if I had just pissed my pants halfway through a important job interview.

In my dream in my cringeful state, we had a conversation. One of those honest converstations that completely rapes you with reality. I feel like I have lost something with no chance of getting it back. I do not want to move on but want to keep things in my head behind glass with a sign that says 'Do not touch, display only!'

I suspect this comes from my period returning. It seems to signal the end of the birth experience with Poppy. The fact that I could indeed get pregnant again makes me feel somehow disloyal to Poppy. Like the cord finally being severed. I guess I am very aware of how quickly my baby is growing and will soon be a toddler. I am also aware that this baby will be the last I have. It does make me a little sad. It is all just stupid hormones I guess but has given me an odd uneven feeling.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Well honey lets put on my $5 hooker shoes we are going out on a date

To all ye hard working Mum's out there, rejoice as all is not lost...................unlike my waistline.

It is Monday, all day. Unlike most previous Monday's I can actually stand on my soapbox and shout that I had a fricken fantastic, completely reckless, debauched and irresponsible weekend.

Go on, ask me how my weekend was.................

I am not going to tell you all of the sordid details in the hope of keeping your lunch down. Today is CH's Birthday and he is a young 36 with only minor crumbling around the edges. This year I wanted to do something special but my choices were fairly limited. I wanted to actually relax with my CH and just enjoy each other without the responsibility of the day to day. I thought about many things, vineyard tours, fishing but in the end I felt we would be spending all out time driving to places as we could not be away for the night due to Poppy still getting up in the early hours.

I came up with the idea of a day stay in a hotel. I was completely embarressed ringing around the hotels to see if they did such a thing as 'Daystays' I felt like the wicked whore of Babylon and the thought of checking in had me cringeing. In fact when ringing around I actually made out that I was doing it on someone elses belhalf, I am such a geek. Really what does it matter what other people think "Yeah, sure that is your husband!" wink wink You would have thought that perhaps on some level that it would be a bit exciting to check in and have someone think that you were a working lady(or the fact people would pay to have sex with you!) but no, mostly discomfort.

I had CH convinced we were going on one of those god awlful shared lunches with a bunch of people you have never met, so you can imagine how happy he was with that. I actually organised his parents to come over for the weekend and even when they arrived I acted dumb, definately Oscar winning performance. His parents said they could come to the picnic but had to be in kaikoura by two so off went CH and I to get supplies for the picnic. We stopped at Couplands and got a couple of snacks and went to the counter with CH spouting off how it would never be enough and we needed more before we could go home. Instead of reacting as I normally would I said, ' honey, we are not going home.' He was so confused and said what are we going to take on the picnic. I replied in a calm relaxed tone 'honey we are not going on a picnic' I then gave him directions to the hotel and he was looking all anxious and going on about how we could not stay all night, who would feed Poppy?........................You CAN'T stay just for a couple of hours!!...........are YOU mad!...........I am in a sign written vehicle!.......... it was such a laugh, he would not check in with me as he was bashful.

The hotel was lovely, a good sized spa for two, Sky movies, good food, wine and lovely crisp sheets to mess up. To finish off the night we went out for a meal but I cannot say that that was a highlight but to spend so much time with each other, it was just lovely. I would not change my life thus far for anything but it was grand just to put it on hold for half a day.

I reccommend this for any of you out there.

Sunday, April 29, 2007

No more morning tv for me

I got a couple of comments last week about my weight. It is true I have lost a couple of pounds since I had that god awlful bug and I did do weight watchers for four days nearly a month ago. Then why do I denounce the fact and hush it up or mumble something incomprehensible and pretend to look at something very interesting under my fingernails. So perhaps I should learn to take the comments as how they were given as surely one of the reasons why you loose weight is so people notice.

It seems to have had the opposite effect and sent me ears pinned back, head first into the human equivelent of pigs swill. I want to loose the weight I really do, infact I was nearly suckered into a informercial about an exercise dvd called TURBO JAM! Perhaps it had something to do with JAM in the title. Damn your subliminal advertising and ab waggling ways.

So my exercise this week will be accepting compliments graciously. Well provided I actually do something worth complimenting. That in itself should be the exercise du jour. I need a token American friend for a week as they as a nation seem to excel in this area. Aussies, need not apply as the key word here team is 'Graciously'

Thursday, April 19, 2007


It is true what they say about hurting those we love the most. How to you stop?

I cannot believe how intolerant I am these days. I seem to be angry about everything. Poor Ella, yes, she is being naughty in places but there are also the times that she really does not mean to tip milo on the carpet three times in a row, in fact it is my fault for letting her have it in a cup. But still she gets the telling off and the classic 'BE CAREFUL' I am so sick of saying that and getting the tongue clicking Tsk Tsk parroted back at me!

There is a moment before I react to something she has done, it is crystal clear and if there was parenting Olympics I would win gold.................but most of the time that bubble bursts and I react with 70's classic parenting style, all yelling, angry, saying hurtful things like go away or even a smack on a well padded nappy.

The biggest thing that sends me over the edge is a habit Ella and most likely all children have of her age and that is repeatedly saying Mamma over and over the worst of it is that she continues until I hold eye contact and then two seconds later it is the same. All blooming day. My only respite is eating and TV.

I always feel so bad when I yell at her that I always try to make it up in some way for example when she got up I put the baby to sleep so I could spend some quality time with my eldest, except she had other ideas and wanted to whinge and do none of the things available.........makes me wish I had never made an effort, just continued with the housework and let her watch TV earlier. Essentially the same result except now not only to I feel a bad parent I feel a rejected parent as well.

I guess this is one of those learning curves and I know that when I am a worldly parent of teenagers I will look back at this and think water off a ducks back! I will get there.

Hey dummy

I do not want to put a curse upon myself, but it has been three days without a dummy and two nights of sleeping through! FECK YEAH. Too early to bask in my parenting glory, it could be a coincidence or the fact CH is not here????? I guess tonight will tell


Sisters everywhere, get upon your knees and raise your hands in the air and give me a huge HELL YEAH!
I have been having one of those 'woe is me weeks' these delicious modern miracles hauled me from the brink of despair and plunged me headfirst into a milo filled pool of gluttony.
Seriously ladies, bite the ends off and suck through milo goodness, not too much mind and you will have the most amazing rich and sticky scrummy hunk of love................
Bloody lovely, spend the fruit and vege buget on something nice for a change!

Wearing only a towel

I have just sat down. My shoulders with the ache of the week past, my head hurts and my nose is running and I have the shortest fuse known to man. Although I have just put my first born to bed I can still hear the constant bleat of MAMMA.....MAMMA...MAMMMA echoing around my head.

It has been a long week of solo parenting and thankfully CH gets home tonight. I knew the week was going to be a challenge but to be fair it had a cracker start. CH sent me off for a suprise massage as thanks for being my lovely self. I must admit to almost breaking out in hives at the thought of going 'oh my god, stranger rubbing me in oil, most likely the fattest and most hideous she has seen in her career............................shit must shave legs and underarms...............whoops I have not been drying between my toes properly and they are horrid, how embarrassing......TOENAILS or in my case claws.....' It really was fantastic and not the horrendous experience I was bracing myself for, the woman was lovely the place was serene and the massage was well worth it. I really want to go and take advantage of all else the have on offer, Indian head massage....I nearly go weak at the knees at the thought of that one. They use stones for one of the massages, I wonder if I bring my own do I get it cheaper?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Five Months today Pops!

Happy Birthday perhaps you can give Mama the birthday present and sleep through or just wake the once.............................................please
Currently waking every 15 - 30 mins at night. REALLY hard work. We have just about tried everything, now I have a new theory, could it be the Dummy's fault as she has no problems going to sleep but wakes when the dummy falls out.
Duc tape anybody?
Well today we are going cold turkey on the dummy and could be a hard couple of days but really they cannot be worse than the nights. Any hints and tips greatrefully received.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007


This morning dawned to our trusty laboratory workers, fart, roll over and snuggle their heads further under duvets for a wee holiday. A 48 hour wee holiday in fact, for that is how long they are striking on our DHB because they want a 20% pay increase.

20% increase, who the hell are they kidding! It sounds so outlandish to me that they might have well asked for a 50% pay increase. Geez I would just like to get paid. For all I know they may only be getting minimum wage and a 20% rise may well be justified. I doubt this.

You callous wanking bastards, I well remember the last time those lazy shameful rash pricks held us to ransom. It was just before Christmas when my two week old baby was severely ill and airlifted to a Special Care Baby Unit. Without the lab tests our doctors had no idea and all they did was throw as many drugs at her as they could with the hope one would work. It was like throwing darts in a dark room full of kittens. Thankfully for me that nightmare ended but for how many unsuspecting others out there, is it just beginning.

Speaking of kittens, I do find it a little funny that our cherished government passed a law in which cats must be well fed and have shelter and warmth and trying to pass a anti smacking law, what about a ANTI STRIKE LAW ON ALL ESSENTIAL SERVICES TO FECKIN HEALTH LAW!

Radiographers are next. I am already panicking about the women who are pregnant and if something goes wrong during the strike time, what happens? I am grimacing, that has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, having problems antenatal and not knowing if the life you carry within you is there or gone. Look I do not really care about broken bones and things as there are drugs for that, how about put those empty time slots to good use and scan for any signs of a conscience.

I have mammoth loathing of being held to ransom. I recoil at the thought of giving into these people. We all should be responsible for the choices we make in life. If I wanted heaps of money I could have chosen a field in which had the capacity to earn it. Alternatively I would work really hard to be the top of the field and be well sought after. No point training to scoop ice cream and then complain about not getting chefs wages.

I guess the worst of it is, what if they actually got a pay rise of 20%, how long will it take for them to think, well that went well, shall we go another round. I guess you have to bank on them being fair and reasonable in the a 20% pay rise fair and reasonable now?

Giving these people a pay rise is REWARDING BAD BEHAVIOUR!

I hope and pray that all will be fine for the duration of the strikes. I fear that someone will have to die before this is stopped. I hope I am wrong

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Go stick a torch up your arse!

Now I mean that nicely.

A dear friend called me this weekend to ask for my worldly parenting advice. Unfortunately I still have my pull ups on and have much to learn. Her question was "How do you know if your child has worms" I really have no idea as that little bit of life's adventure is still one I am yet to experience. My only experience is with my cat and when she had a crap inside there were worms in it. So of course that was my answer. By this point I was on speaker phone talking to a rather jovial table of merry people. It came out that NO apparently there is better ways than sorting through you child's crap as the worms would only be there once you had wormed your darling. A more experienced parent at said table, lets call him 'Giggles' said what you really do is in the night, grab a torch, sneak into you childs bedroom and shine it up their ring piece!

Which begs the questions,

1.Is this true?
2.Was the Civic creche incident, only worm hunting?
3.Is that what "Giggles's" father used to tell his mother what he was doing?
4.Has conversation round the ole bar leaner got so poor that you are discussing worms and parasites(other that the ones sitting on the bar stools) Blooming heck I am glad I am married as that is just sad.

Happy Easter

What can be more lovely than being awoken by a snuffling and crunching toddler as she follows and eats her way through a trail of mini M&M's leading to huge exclamations over pictured choccie bunny.
Sharing chocolate for brekkie, definitely wondering if they are my children. Who shares chocolate?
It has been a wonderful weekend we really have not done much but that in itself has been the attraction.
I am thankful of the current Easter trading law for without that our weekend would have been completely different as it was Jason still ended up at work on Friday and Saturday. The shops were absolutely crazy on Thursday who would have thought that two days of no trading could create such panic. Quite pathetic really.
You should see my pantry as this weekend I bottled homemade spaghetti and every time I open the doors and catch site of my weekends work I am so proud. Did I also mention that we now have a chest freezer? So exciting, I can freeze all overflow of produce and buy in bulk. CH is a an even worse geek as his first reaction to us finally getting an ice box is getting excited about what containers we could buy to store things neatly in!!!!!!!!!!!
Currently in our freezer we have loads of fish and an almost complete wild pig. An amazing thing has happened of late, CH is starting to feel almost as passionate about producing our own food and gathering locally as I do. Finally years of ranting seems to be taking effect, either that or he has just lost the will to live. I have been growing my own vegies eight years now and still consider myself with much to learn. I have decided not to put a winter crop in this year as the soil is so bad and have chosen to spend the winter preparing the soil for next summer. Already I am excited about it and cannot wait until we have a property of our own. I will need ten freezers to cope.
This weekend Blenheim has been bombarded with the drone of many aircraft, to be honest I had seen the signs and heard the advertisements but really took no notice....yawn.
BUT something about the sheer mass of planes seems to awoken my inner trainspotter, squadrons of real and replica planes flying in formations of over twenty planes above you home is a sight and sound to behold. The noise was so powerful you felt it and even was a little terrified for the pilots(not to mention if one dropped on my little part of the world, yep there goes my anxiety). This was the type of event that would give aircraft enthusiasts a hard on for the entire weekend, lack of blood to the brain and mass fainting everywhere.