Thursday, April 27, 2006

What a day

Yesterday could have been the longest day of my life. We had an emergency scan booked in for 5pm to see if we were still pregnant. Thankfully my mid wife did not tell us we were going in until about 3pm so I only had a couple of hours to dwell on what I thought was the most likely outcome.

I just felt numb lying on the hospital bed as they put the warm jelly on my jelly belly, I could not look at CH while they were searching for the baby and there it was a whopping four cm's with a regular heartbeat, Friggin fantastic. I stopped bleeding about 4ish yesterday as to why, I have no idea. I am still really not at ease in the slightest, I am nervous and do not know whether I will be telling you some horrid news in the next couple of weeks but for now I will rest and be trying on some positive thoughts.

I still have to believe in everything happens for a reason and for the best outcome.

I will be mostly concentrating on breathing for the coming weeks. I can still feel my heart beating in my ears and I feel tired to the bone, mentally exausted.

CH was fantastic, I had always felt with the last pregnancy that it just passed him by and was not really a reality for him until she was here. This one is different he wants it just as much as I do and was terribly upset yesterday but still my rock.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I am terrified

I am ten weeks pregnant and this morning I have just started bleeding. The first thing my mid wife asked was did I still feel pregnant. What scares me most is that I feel well. I am so very scared and upset, I know it is not a done deal yet but I have no idea what to expect, I am helpless and terrified.

I am well informed and knew that this was on the cards and women can bleed early on and be fine but I am so very sad, I just want to know so I can get on. How long do I have to wait?

Relax, don't think about, yeah real easy, to get that I need total sensory depravation, Chemical assistance would be wonderful if only it was a option.

Diving in Dahab

Here is the first and last time I expect I will be in Dahab, we had the most amazing time there, the diving was the best I have ever experienced. We spent a week or so there just lounging about and trying in vain to avoid the bedouin children, without exageration they were the most foul mouthed horrible kiddies I have ever met.

They made and sold cotton bracelets and you were doing ok if you only bought a few a day in fact if you failed to buy you where a 'soone ov a beech' god bless tourist who taught them english. On one I these days I remember asking one of these little girls what she would like to do when she grew up and she replied very matter of factly that she wanted to learn to cook chicken and that was it. I also remember the vast amount of friendly cats that live there which I loved as being so far away from my cat and anything familar. Morrocan Hash was another thing I remember all too well and the dodgy bugger we got it off gosh we did some stupid stuff, however Dahab was and I bet is still a most fantastic place and I hope tourist are not put off as they are needed by so many.

I hope my wee girl will learn to cook her chicken.

Anzac Day

With yesterdays downpour we decided not to attend a dawn parade and I must admit to being thankful we did not go. As emotions go it is normal for me to become overwhelmed especially when you see others pain. I decided to watch as much of the TV coverage as I could yesterday and was surprised to fine myself in uncontollable tears for much of the day. I am an open festering wound of emotions with my heart firmly pinned to my sleeve. It is so horrible.

Hopefully I am over the worst.

Here is a picture I took three years ago yesterday on the the long walk from Anzac Cove to our New Zealand Anzac memorial. One of my most treasured memories.

Family ties

You would not read about it, well actually you are. After my rampant whingeing from last weekends onslaught of family, a new bunch took it upon themselves to arrive for the entire weekend just gone and only left yesterday.

I need a holiday.

However, I had the most amazing experience that absolutely made my weekend. I generally am not interested in birds, in fact as pets I think what a waste of time. I do however love owls and fantails. Around our property for the last week or two there has been what I thought was a lone fantail and have been worried about it versus my cat. I must admit to being more than a little superstious on the subject of having them the house but I love them all the same. On saturday, just before twilight I heard my fantail calling so I went out on the deck to say hello, there was six of them all flying aound me dancing too and fro so I went and got some bread and they took turns eating from my hand, it was lovely and they were more delicate yet scratchy than I could ever imagined. As soon as they heard the gate open and the family arrive home they were gone and it felt like I had imagined the whole thing, but still it made my night.

Just call me the fantail whisperer.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

nasty piece of work

Yes thats me for I have started something quite naughty. I have put CH's dog on Trade Me with every intention of getting rid. Do I tell him before or after, oh god I guess I will have to make it his idea. Anyway I have had some interest, quite surprising, I just have to close the deal.

If needs must!!!!!!!

Don't judge me! it just me or is this phrase everywhere on American programmes, it really does work in many situations, go on try it today, steal your workmates lunch from the fridge "Dont judge me!" spend all your partners hard earned cash "Dont judge me!"

Petrol prude

Friggin marvellous, petrol has gone up yet again, 12cents in the last week! MOFO, At this rate I will have to join the unwashed masses and learn how to take the bus. I have taken the bus everywhere else in the world but for some reason I find myself a bit shy to take one here.

De da ding ding ding ding ding.......................................

Surely being Slothful is not a sin

I have done nothing this week and only just contemplating leaving the house for the first time this week. The last month has been a hard slog the Thursday just gone marked the end of a twenty day, no days off stint by CH. This of course meant twenty days having to do everything around the house whilst being barely able to scrape my nausea ridden body off the floor.

That Thursday was to be the start of three glorious days together as a family, unfortunately I underestimated the power of family. Blessed relations turned up quite by surprise on Thursday evening, to stay for the night. They left Sunday...........sigh.

However as I am the biggest kid on Easter so this gave me the excuse I needed to fully cater for the event, lots of fantastic food and all homemade treats of course. Ella awoke to a cot full of chocolate, slightly mean as she sleeps with mittens on so they were my insurence policy to a non chocolate covered baby, CH also stashed all of my favorite chocolately treats around the house for me to find all day, lovely.

Have I mentioned that Ella is walking now, this has truly added new dimesion to my day.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Thanks for coming and goodbye

It is a sad day today. Someone I knew lost her baby yesterday, she was just a few weeks ahead of myself. What to do and what to say, I have no idea. It was to be her first child and I recall when it was my first child the thought of loss was too much to bear. Now, not to wish this unfortunate event upon myself but I am so very aware of what can go wrong and I sure hope I am prepared should something happen to us.

The girl I speak of is one of the loveliest girls I know with an amazing smile and a laugh so hearty you cannot help but be swept up in. I have no doubt that she will somehow blame herself or her past choices. Blame, who came up with that word....miraculously invented to cast our doubts on others so we can feel better. Then why when we cannot possibly feel any more pain we single handedly take all resposibility from all that has occured and try to drown ourselves with the weight of it.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason and as much as I thought this wonderful lady was so ready to be a mother her time was not right and I hope she can find comfort in the fact that yes something was wrong and rather the humanity of ending a not yet fully formed life than to bring a child into the world that may have had terrible problems or life threatening consequences for the mother.

I myself made a decision for a termination many years ago and I know it was the right choice at the time. I had much guilt on this and felt as though giving up that child was like returning a gift and perhaps I did not deserve another. In my own mind I thanked the little one for coming and said now is not the best time but I would like a chance when the time was right. However as much as I believe in Kharma and you may have to call me Earl from now on, the fact of the matter is that bad things happen to good people everyday.

My boss at the time found out about what I had been going through and sent me around to his wife, now this lady had the reputation of being the Devil incarnate and I had no idea why I was going there for as I had never even really spoken to her before. As it turns out she had made similar choices in her life and years later after having her own child she went to a Psychic who said to her that there was a unborn child, a girl who wanted a name. It freaked me out no end but somehow comforting that there was a soul that could be reborn.

Who knows the freaky Psychic lady may have been a hack but has unknowingly reached and helped others get through situations.

I know my friend will get through this with the love and stength of others around her, I just hope and pray that she is healthy enough in mind to let go and come out with as little scarring as possible. Above all know it was through no fault of her own.


Friday, April 07, 2006

Fabulous Day

Today is all about glorious weather, although we are fast moving into autumn the day could not have been more lovely. Hagley Park is fantastic this time of year the trees are just starting to turn into a golden hue, There was a slight breeze today which made all the leaves fall down around when you walked, truly uplifting. Here is a shot of Lily and Ella taking advantage of the carpet of leaves.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Cravings unleashed

As I already am a mass 4kgs larger than when I last carried a child, my ambition this time around is NOT to crack the 100kg mark. Unfortunately although I feel like bringing up my inners on an hourly basis, being a dedicated foodie I seem to manage to get ahold of exactly what I feel like. Little and often seems to be the key.

Currently my main squeeze is hot salty chips, stewed tomatoes followed by generous portions of caramellow chocolate. Both the tomatoes and caramellow have never been a favourite.

My climb the wall hate list is CHICKEN, disgusting horrible steriodial beasts that lie sweating in plastic film on meat sanitary pads in supermarkets everywhere. Perhaps I could try an organic farm killed bird and see if the taste and texture is better than the current cheap supermarket chick that just makes my stomach turn. It just feels wrong, like eating the pig that ate your family kind of wrong.

The weather here today is wonderful with blue skies, white fluffy clouds and brilliant sunshine I intend to go gardening and have a last hurrah with the outdoors before the trappings of autumn finally snuff out summer.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Here we go again

Currently listening to,
Oupps I did it again, courtesy of CH, all the while stealing snatches of movies "Look at what I have created!!!" Followed by general swagger and chest puffing as I write.

It is going to take me days to take the air out of this new found confidence.

As you may have guessed we are pregnant again. Absolutely rapt. I had my first mid wife appointment yesterday although only eight weeks along she said that they see second time Mothers much earlier as the risk of losing your second child is higher than most.

I am so very aware of this, But it would not be me if I did not prepare for the worst but I am quietly confident whatever will be, will be. How incredibly adult or numb, take your pick.

In the reality according to me, I had convinced myself of the following,

As my first preganacy made me feel god awful sick then it is only fair that my second will be different and nausea free.

To be sure, it be different. It is cleary MUCH MUCH worse. I have been so very unwell over the last few weeks. I have even been having Nana Naps as I am exausted. It is so bad I stuggle to keep awake at traffic lights. It is like jet lag but much worse. I always carry on, everything always happens and everything is always fine. It is currently not. That pisses me off more than anything. I apparently have lost my super human powers. I will check later for the old Kryptonite under the bed trick.

So as per usual I am on a few supplements to make me feel better and make my baby more clever. Omega 3 for brain development is currently a favourite as you burp a smell that is reminicent of eating three day old fish and chips and reheating them in the microwave. What better experience could you give a person with a horrifically weak stomach.

Emotions are back on track I spent an afternoon crying at an Oprah celebrating 20yrs re-run.

All going well the due date is November the 19th. Blooming fantastic as this year I do not miss out on Christmas ham and trifle. A pre-requisite or wait another year.

Right that is all I have in me today, for something the size of a peanut they sure are causing some difficulties. Nana nap awaits.