As you all know I work on the back of an Ambulance..........................for free........to help others and my community and as I am the type of geek who takes immense joy from helping others and it really makes me feel good about myself.

I was desperate to get out of the house so I worked Sat night, I still had bung eye, looked like shite but thought I would just keep them clean and get on with it. Pager went off about 4am, bounced out the door and went to deal with this fellow and while cureing his ills, it came up I had children and he said 'Wow, you have children, you do not look old enough too (by this stage I was beaming) and besides you do not have a............oh no dont worry" You see that wee gap, that unfinished sentance, well I will tell you what the bugger did just before he said "oh no dont worry" the bugger looked at my lower belly.

Oh gosh I know, I bleat all the time about being a porker while yet I shove some other delicious morsel in my gob. I am nearly at rock bottom and I am thinking of getting a piece of exercise equipment! I know a bit rash and will most likely live out its days as a place to dry my towel, but I have hope, just a little low on will power.

It has to happen as I am a prime candidate for a heart attack or late onset diabeties and blooming heck I want to giggle with my great grand kids and be buggered if I will have that taken. Although with my commitment to doing pelvic floors I will be wearing a nappy when giggling with my great grand children.

I will go for a walk tomorrow!

Be alert as lerts are hard to find these days

If there was a little red button next to the bottle of gin in the 'Break in case of emergency' box, I do believe I would have pushed it.

Ladies I have broken the cardinal rule "use in times of need" and let my children watch endless Television over the last week or so.

I know I got greedy. It was just too easy. I normally was only a user for good, like cooking tea or showering alone and over the past week while having everything but bubonic plague it became part of the day while I hid in my room. It's ok I always left them with an open packet of chips and bottle coke each(hey worked for dad................while I sat in the car for hours...... dont panic he opened the window!)

Now today back to life normal and the TV has lost its magic and the children can no longer be trusted to be glued to the mat for the Go Show. They have started ignoring it and nothing is safe, new and inventive ways to foil my day, I have had to child lock almost everything. It is a constant battle, Pops is like a tasmanian devil on crack and running about from crime to crime, anything with a switch is turned, anything with a hole is filled, anything parts is operated on, It is almost time to turn all power off at the mains before I shower or go to the loo!

I may have to play a bit of bad cop and put the girls on no supply for awhile. The Eldest called my bluff this morning, I asked her to put something in her bedroom and she said "I dont feel like it" so I said "Well I do not feel like letting you watch the telly then as it is only for good girls"

The little bugger went up to the telly and turned it off!

She has also started putting 'Bloody' in front of most words, luckily with her speech its sound like 'flubby'............................yes I am currently chewing of soap as I write

I have been housebound with only my children for company this week and quite frankly, I am left wanting.

Words cannot explain how much I love my children but today I am all liked out. Constant whining, whingeing and having to listen to squealing, brawling, tale telling, sulking, tanties, room destroying, washing making, little evil shites.

As luck would have it, this morn I found I too awoke with crusty eyes and eyelashes glued to the pillow.

Ella was sweet, she looked at me and said "Oh Mama your eyes are hurt.......... NOW WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST!!!!"

I was bitten by my own poor parenting skills this morning.

Yesterday I told Ella I was sick of all the whingeing she was doing.

Today............................................

Me: What would you like on your toast today Ella?
E: Oh Honey thanks Mama
Me: OK then Honey it is, are your sure?
E: Yep
I then make and give her Honey on Toast
E: ARGHHHHHH I WANTED JAM!!!!!!!
Me: You got what you asked for and you will not waste it, there is no more!
E: I AM SICK OF YOU MAMA!

Then later,
Me: Honey why did you eat all of Poppy's morning tea?
E: She was going to waste it Mama!

I think I should just leave the pantry open and go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

The Gals updated

Oh dear it has been awhile.

Here is the drive in version of the month just gone.

Fashion TV is back, I am a happy girl!
Working on the back of the Ambo in a uniform now.........in fact the worse one known to man and it is no exageration to says overalls would be more flattering.
Doing courses willy nilly.
CH turned 37 and we went out for a fabulous meal, sadly not alone as the choice was eat out alone cheaply or get CH's boss to pay for stupidly exspensive meal, we chose the latter.
Learned to love fejoa's
Made a dress for Ella!
Ranted and raved alot about our media, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Baked huge amounts of goodies.
Spent a week in Wellington with the girls cousins, Aunts,uncles,nans, trains, planes, buses, zoo, mall, goats, Jim the dog, arse the cat and off spring eating fish!
I put my neck out!
Mothers day, Ella chose, I got a soap and a flannel! guess I am cutting the clean freaks pocket money, but CH got me a necklace and it was my wish for him to bake sticky date pud and he did and it was amazing! The best present.
The girls have BUNG eyes and look like pus ridden prize fighters.
Put on 3kgs! ohh I am rapt as she stuffs yet another choc in!
Got obsessed about a fizzy sherbert lolly I found in a easter egg, tracked down supplier and before you know it 2kgs arrive on my door step.
Waited for the budget 2008 lolly scramble and yes pretty happy and still strongly disliking John Keys.
Had a night out with Jase and his work, hated it! Yawn
Ohhhh bought half a cow and we have the mother load of delicious beef, no more manky plastic tasting chicken for this gal!

I think I now know where those three kgs came from.

Is there anyone else out there struggling to feed the family without going in to debt?

OK so we do not exactly have a cow shitting money in our back yard but for a one income family I consider our wage should be good enough to eat well and have takeaways once a week and perhaps do something with the family in the weekend. We are finding it really hard.

I would understand it I had something new in my wardrobe every week or CH lagered up every weekend, but in reality I am lucky to get a new out fit twice a year.

Sure, if we ate only sausages and frozen mixed vege and fizz instead of milk we could indeed be living the life of Riley. You may as well garotte me now. I love whole foods, fresh vege and good meat, quality dairy products and fantastic bread. This week I bought the cheapest whitest bread money could buy and it is just disgusting.

What can I do?

I love what I heard today about a petition dropping the GST on food shopping, this is a fantastic idea as I had no idea NZ is one of only a few countries who tax food the same amount as everything else. If you see this sign it and see what you can do.

Also here is a great tip if you have two vegie bins,

Keep one for last weeks fruit and vege and one for the lates shopping so to ensure there is no wastage and to eat you lush fruit and vegies in their prime. It works!

New Zealand Reporters are not fit to work for Englands 'The Sun'

How many times do I have to put myself on a media ban! You arsewipe, gutter sledging incompetent journo's have once again forced me to rip the plug out of the TV and radio in fear of being infected with your bottom feeding sludge for brains drivel.

I am once again over your under reporting of world events and your voyeuristic pedantic peddling of disgusting imagery involving sexual abuse and murder. I have no need to know the details that seem to be plasted over the digital frequency. Horrid details that serve no purpose other than to disrespect the victims memory, cause pain to the family and to desensitise the act through repetition.

I am not buying another NZ newspaper or listening to another NZ news on the television, I am indeed investing all my money on a friggin Woman's Day because it is a far better read and I hate magazines! Time, Empire and Q excluded. All I can say as Praise the lord for Jim Moira and honest to goodness old fashioned values. My lord I sound so old and warty.

Things I have learnt this week

Nappy lining is almost the worst thing to clean up.

Yes tis true, who knew, but really why would you need to? My youngest was a little bored this week and trying in vain to occupy herself when she decided to unstuff her Nappy. How?
Well first you piss more than the average elephant in a nappy then rip a hole in the front of said nappy then reach in and grab the swollen now urine flavoured gel and proceed to rub it into as many sufaces as possible, including all through her sisters bed and showering all her soft toys. This gel like substance looked like hundreds of jellyfish had exploded.



Always check you have wipes and always choose a pushchair.

Poppy was being gorgeous so I was feeling the love and in the mood for cuddles. Foolishly, I choose to carry her to the park and because of that I decided that it was not far and I would leave my cumbersome bag in the car. Off we went through town, looking at the shops, has a lovely play and as we left the park her arse exploded. Shit from here to friggin Africa. Brown bum sludge dripping, all over my arms, down my clothes and as luck would have it I had to walk through town back to the car, stinking and noticeably covered in shite. Ella of course had perfect timing as she dropped a tanty bomb...........................................................



When you are an empathy sponge, do not watch a doco on friends sister's murdered baby!

CH told me not to watch it but still I asked him to tape it for me as I was training that night. It took me until Thurs to get up the strength to watch it. I had just worked the whole nightshift on the previous night so I was knackered and I thought I would watch it quickly and then bugger off for a kip. Hell it was only 20mins long and for the entire programme I just streamed tears and continued to sob for the next two hours so much so I had to go and see my babies while they slept, even typing now I am starting to get a bit weepy. Chick personified.



Thai Thai brand Frozen meal (Green curry with prawns) is fantastic!

Ok yes it is true I do live in a place where the Thai food is really not good, so it could be said that my standards have lowered due to necessity but I assure you my tastebuds have not taken leave and that the above meal was lovely. I cannot remember praising pre packaged meals before so it comes as a shock even to me. The rice could have come straight from a rice cooker, prawns were succulent and sweet, two types of authentic thai eggplant, fabulous flavour.

I am simply amazed.

Nigel Latter

What a funny fecker he is!

Should you get the opportunity to go to one of his R rated "Unpolitically correct parenting show"
then do not dilly dally. This show was piss your pants funny and given the length of the show and how many Mum's there, it is a wonder it was not a wash out.

Tonight Ella at the supermarket said to me "My goodness that lady has beautiful big boobies"

CH has much to answer for

Gotta go, Kill Bill 1 is on and god I love it

Thankfully back to serious matters. It has just been bought to my attention that I once again have been missing out on something other than my vegetables.

A wonderful sweet Dutch treat(much like my Eefje) Brand, Marandi - chocolate covered soft nougat in Rum and Raisin flavour. Make fast tracks down to your local deli or gourmet market, Don't question me, you need this to happen!

I also have just discovered the coolest poster site, allposters.com.au. You will spend hours there finding the perfect poster for upcoming birthdays, I am planning to get some mounted for a most thoughtful, one off piece of artwork................................unless you buggers buy the same posters.........................................................................................Terrible site, you would just hate it, what a waste of time...............................

Right I am off to have a bit of alone time, a book, choc and a quite place to hide from children. God bless their cotton socks for still sleeping in the avo. I am so lucky and I know it.

I know I have told you about my mother before, the lady with a belch for every occaision. Before a meal, after a meal.......................halfway through a sentence...................you get it.

It used to really grot me. Old person disese. Disgusting habit letting out these bottom of the gut roars. I had just never felt the need as I have never really Burped, little mouth closed ones was as loud as it got. I just suspected my manners were better, of course.

Oh how wrong I was.

My last stomach virus left me with something other than nasty spatters, I now can BURP. Big loud ones! HUGE long ones lasting seconds with at least four note changes that actually make me feel better. I am 32 and have been missing out for previously said years.

I have been gloriously a belching and a burping for a couple of weeks now, keeping it all to myself and giggling foolishly at the more vocal ones.

It is becoming a nasty habit and it is only a matter of time before my new found talent makes a public appearence.

Hey normal people, how the hell do you stop burping? Well I am off to drink a can of fizz through a straw, fabulous !

Gisborne

Would you believe Gisborne has shops, really good shops, the type of stores that paste your face with a look of wonder and rekindle those wants and desires long lost due to mind numbing creatively challenged shops.

Food, have I mentioned the fooooooooood? Gisborne has food, wonderful gourmet delights of every genre from Oysters served with raspberry and champagne foam to Burger Wisconson and charcoal chicken.

Earthquakes!!!!!!!!!!!! did I mention those????????? lordy, months after they event the cracks and damage are still severe and almost everwhere you looked in the hotel there was evidence and every creak and moan of the elevator gave me the willies going to our hotel room.

The girls and I spent three days looking around the place and dining on the company for brekkie, lunch and dinner, cruising around the shops and meandering though op shops and reveling in the districts obvious wealth of Talented knitters(yes I love knitted baby clothes and I got this most fantastic knitted dress for Poppy, I just could not leave it there as it is simply equisite and I cannot believe the time and effort someone put in only to be given away!) shit I really am a soppy sap as the thought of leaving it there almost broke my heart as it needed to be loved and appreciated in the spirit it was made and by golly I will.

About to learn to crochet.......................right off to put on my nana knickers now

Roar

My humble apologies for the last entry it got away on me a bit there, so here is a wee ditty for all of us passionate women who dwell on trivial things far too much.

Sing with me, I find myself singing this to myself alot lately and it seems to have replaced 'Akuna Matata' as my stick a smile on your face and keep going song!

I Am Woman-Artist: Helen Reddy from "Helen Reddy's Greatest Hits": EMI ST 11467-peak Billboard position # 1 for 1 week in 1972-Words and Music by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of painYes, I've paid the priceBut look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anythingI am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

You can bend but never break me'cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer'cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul

CHORUS
Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of painYes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anythingI am strong (strong)
I am invincible (invincible)
I am woman

I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long long way to go
Until I make my brother understand

Oh yes I am wise
But it's wisdom born of painYes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to I can face anythingI am strong (strong)I am invincible (invincible)
I am womanOh, I am womanI am invincibleI am strongFADEI am womanI am invincibleI am strongI am woman

you bet your arse I am official!

Well it is official I now work for St John's, I went through the final interview process and and was signed on last wednesday. It is actually a really exciting time for me and it is unfortunate however that no one else seems to be interested at all. Even CH was completely blank and did not realise the signifigance until I had to point it out after hours of tight lipped yes and no answers. I do not know what it is but it all seems old hat to almost everyone, it is hard to explain but I feel it is like most are just ignoring my new choosen career with the hopes of it just going away or at the very least waiting for me to say it was not my thing.


It is an odd set up really, I have been not close to my family for most of my life but here and now I really want them to be proud of my achievements rather than relish and gossip over foibles and failures. Geez I really am going soft in the head(I had better have a pregnancy test!) Why the feck do I need validation from a bunch of people who were never really nice to me anyway, it just makes me so god damn angry as I have always achieved well and those bastard always want to see the worst in every blasted thing or simply take glee in cutting down those tall Poppies whenever they rise and grow in their festering gardens of doom.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh yes Ella is completely toilet trained and has been nappy and accident free for weeks,
Amazing!

Easter

For those that know me will be under no illusion about how important Easter is to me.

I just adore it, decorating beautiful cane baskets for my girls to awake to and then to go a hunting through the house and garden for all Easter treats. The excitement was huge this year and was just a pleasure to watch unfold. As per usual I went completely overboard and will be finding chocolate in unusual places for the next wee while, that is part of the magic and testimony to a job well done!

Easter is also a time for harvesting and preparation as it is normally the time I stock the cupboards with homemade spaghetti and relishes for the long winter ahead. I chose not to preserve spaghetti this year but store it in the freezer instead, I am sure it will taste just great as per usual but I really did miss the feeling of pride when seeing all the jars finished and waiting to be stored. This afternoon I will be making Cucumber and pineapple pickle, the best pickle known to man.

It has been such a busy Easter this year with all of our normal family time and with getting the rental properties ship shape and spending all of Friday and Saturday cleaning. I actually had a great time as we got a baby sitter for the whole time and managed to go on a date of dinner and movies. We went to a lovely restaurant, truly one of Whakatane's hidden gems, Babinka, has a huge menu, something for everyone with surprising combinations of the highest gastronomic ingredients and the most superb range of desserts I have ever seen in the one place, I had an amazing Passionfruit and saffron panacotta, stunning. We went to see 3:10 to Yuma, not a bad flick I think I may have been cured of my utter utter dislike of Russel Crowe as I quite liked his character, infact most were likable accept some annoying kid. My favourite actor was by far Ben Foster who played Charlie Prince, I just love the western genre at the moment but to be honest I just do think we do a very good job of producing them in this day and age, some things were just plain wrong, clothing and the use of language

Well I had best go as I have much to do and I am working tonight.

It's happened again, I knew I was looking a little warty around the edges but generally thought I was still young at heart. Much to my suprise I have become that old middle adged person that young teenage gals can benchmark the point never to allow themselves to get too.

I can no longer talk to the youth in a manner they understand and strangely enough can no longer process a word they say worth listening too. Perhaps I am being a bit harsh and impatient and it is just the magic age of 14 and being on the cusp of adulthood that befuddles a young mind already intoxicated with early sexual experiences, pilfering from parents liquor cabinet and learning to drive a car..........................................Christ and I am letting these timebombs babysit my children!!!

Strange breed these teenagers, disguised in the body of a woman, but with a much better figure. They appear to only be able to communicate in one syallable of 'yep' or 'nah' unless it is a flurry of giggles. Obvious deformities include, life dependancy on cell phone attached to thumb, head often bent to one side, shoulders hunched and walking with a gawky gait. I will not even attempt to describe what they clothe themselves in but 'Fluro' is my word du jour

Another disturbing factor of this weekend happened whilist watching an old Magnum PI episode. I just love the programme but yesterday was different. Never in my life have I found Tom Sellack appealing and could never understand why so many woman were attracted to him.

Until now OMG! What a fine figure of a man. I have turned the corner and am finding manly older men attractive! Could it be a natural defence mecanisim so as I age older men look appealing so as to avoid the crushing dissapointment of never being attractive to a younger fellow?

I would be worried accept I had a rather naughty dream last night involving a rather handsome younger chap caught on the wrong side of the law.................................you get the picture. Unfortunately I awoke at the time before the dream got interesting but reassured the inclination is still there.

Oh yeahhhhhh, do you feel it? Come bask in the glory of my Parental Knowledge, dip your tootsies in the well of my greatness.

ELLA 56 V's MUMMY 1

Finally the 'Poo Fairy' visited and left three amazing sized cables in our toilet, Oh there was much rejoicing and slapping on the backs for these proud parents. Jeepers I was beginning to get worried as I had been feeding Ella with as much Metamucil and blinking kiwifruit as I could get in and almost getting nervous about leaving the house just in case her poo hole exploded and drowned me with it. Bet your arse it would have been in a supermarket.

I do suppose it could be a once off. I will let you know.

Honesty, is it really the best policy?

Out of the mouth of babes come words of pure wisdom and honesty and more often than not leaving me cringing. One three separate occasions this month Ella has chosen to completely humiliate me in the supermarket.
"Mummy that lady has a big bum" I managed to avoid eye contact with said lady, whew

so next time Ella made sure I could not ignore by walking up to a lady, looking her in the eye and announcing "You have really big boobies" FECKKKKKKKKKKKKKK I was so shamed

So by the next week when she told a poor little girl of about nine or ten that she had a "Huge fat tummy" I was a seasoned veteran.

Last week Ella turned to CH and said "Dadda I love your eyes, they are a lovely brown, green and pink!"

This morning, "Mummy my bum is like a hill, Poppy's bum is like a little hill and yours is like a big mountain!"

Silver clay

Have you ever heard of such a thing? It is the most amazing, innovative, creative product I have seen in some time. I am simply gob smacked.

On Saturday I did a workshop learning how to use this wonderful stuff. The product is completely recycled from all sorts of sources like camera film, there is no wastage and if you make a mistake you can start again looks like clay, works like clay, you shape and mould it with water, dry and then put it in a kiln and as if by magic the final product is 99.85% pure silver, fantastic for the likes of moi who is allergic to sterling silver. It was only a beginner course but as per usual I had delusions of granduear and boxed far above my weight and skill level but managed to be happy with what I achieved and am now completely inspired to continue and expand this exspensive but rewarding habit.

Get ye to a course now. I am quite happy with my pieces, I like the Brushed look and could still buff them to a mirror finish if desired. They are far from perfect but for a first attempt I am rapt.

This was a birthday gift from CH and words cannot explain the joy I had, a full day of uninterupted creative stirrings, oh how I miss and desire so much more...............................

Life was never meant to be easy

Although I have been a Mum for three years now those big black and yellow L plates are firmly taped to my arse.

We are currently struggling with toilet training and when I said 'we' I should have said 'me' as Ella really and truly is quite comfortable with the current situation. We have gone from being fully trained and suddenly rocketing backwards by the simple words of "Mummy I will not be going to the toilet anymore!" so she did'nt and even went to the extent of refusing to drink so she would not need to go. Finally we got over that one with weeks of mini M&Ms as bribery and offering watered down juices instead of water.

Still two months down that track she completely refuses to poo on the toilet and would wait for the comfort of her night nappies before soiling herself and wallowing in her gagging stench. Night after night and really for me I was pretty cool about it as I completely supressed my natural reaction to rant and rave.............................deep breaths through gritted teeth................. and say next time honey will you do Poos in the toilet? She replys, "yes Mummy and it will make you soooooooooo happy" and for that moment I am completely suckered and actually believe her.

I have friggin stickers and star charts, goals and bribery from here to Africa and still no Mr hanky in the toilet. Seven days ago I had enough and decided to not buy another nappy, including for nightime. I really did doubt my motives as it did feel like I was the one throwing a wobbly and I was taking away the nappies as punishment. The weird thing is that it is working as Ella never had a dry nappy in the morning but now has not even wet the bed.

Sadly still no poos, we did have a small accident at night and I made her scrub her knickers the next day, she loved it! DAMMIT.

It is a standoff, I will not give her a nappy, she will not give me poos, the will is strong, I am currently lacing her food with loads of fibre and still no huge cigar. I fear she may soon burst as what goes in must come out........................................just a thin wafer sir...................................

Oh yes I forgot to say since my last blogging I have done 48hours of volunteer work on the back of an ambo and loved every minute of it. Hopefully sometime soon I will get my little letter of acceptance which means I am well on my way to becoming a paramedic. So excited and I fully encourage you all to do this as it is just marvelous fun!

CH has just got a promotion but since we are still in negotiation stages so I had best not tell you the details but we are dead excited.

Love to you all and catch up soon

Ella Enchanted

Can you believe this girl is now a big three year old? Would you look at her new cheesy grin, no it is not the standard version but a new dreamed up one that she reserves especially for photos! That bunch of flowers she is holding was one of the best presents ever as not only was it her first bunch of flowers from a boy but little did I know how much she would love them and repeatedly tried to take them to bed. Twas a lovely birthday and I think it is more about the Mothers than the children as I spend all day reminicing about what happened three years ago to the Day, hours and minutes. Yes I am such a sappy geek but I love every moment and am very wary of the fact that I could not tell you what I had for lunch last Wednesday so I must keep the memory going and before long in my memory the birth will have been nothing but candlelight, choirs singing and looking gorgeous as I cough and out pops a baby already cleaned and smelling of baby powder wearing Dior baby

Poppy Updated

Here she is, My Milatant minion testing out her moves at her sisters birthday party. She is simply amazing and I could just cuddle her all day. Unfortunately she does not share this vision as she is far too busy taking over the world and finding a new family. She is a sulky little love who is fast learning off her sister and may I say learning nothing nice. Oh mark my words I shall be a terrible wrecked insane mess in about six months, I have thought it has been hard with Ella through the terrible twos but I fear it will have been a doddle in comparison to what Miss Pops has in mind.

Scilla Chocolates

It once again has been so long since my last blogging that to tell you of all of my outings, and thoughts over the last months would render you completely unconscious by blatant boredom.

I will however let you in on my finest and most luxuriant find, Scilla Chocolates. If you do not know the name do not panic but get ye to Ohope or get online and purchase. As you all know I have a bit of a choccie problem and reached the point about one year ago that no chocolate on the market in NZ could meet my ever increasing rich taste so I made my own. With great success.

These Chocolates fill MY void, now they are not the sort of chocolates you share and all of you Cadbury quaffing whimseys out there beware. These opulent delights are the sort you spend time alone with, the sinfully rich fillings, laced with liqueurs that rush out and bite your ear lobe.

What do you think?

Hey what do you think of this? I have had yet another birthday since my last blog so I thought I would try on some italic just to see how it fits and of course a slightly larger font, for if I am getting older then some of you old tarts out there will be glad of a little help..................and you know who you are.

No did not really work out for me but now that I type in this font the former seems pleasing to the eye...........................yes just another reminder I am getting older and my tastes are changing. Last week I walked past a window display of little cute ceramic animals and had to stop and look at every one. Then I thought where would I put them and who else I could give them too, it was then that I realised that even my elderly mother would find them a but silly and for the love of god THEY WHERE CERAMIC ANIMALS WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING! I seem to have woken up this birthday to find that not only my youth and waist gone but some fucker has stolen my taste as well. SO I went and bought a pair of shoes, and of course they are nothing a ceramic animal lover would purchase!

Why did the Monkey Chase the Ambulance?

There is something fundamentally wrong when you giggle all the way to your job and all the way home once you have completed a 12hour shift. It is just mad I am having an abosolute ball and near piddle myself with excitment when off racing, sirens blaring to help someone who needs it.

I finally came face to face with blood and as suspected was than comfortable with the situation and for the love of god I GOT TO DRIVE THE AMBULANCE WITH A PATIENT IN THE BACK!!! Just crazy, it went well but could have gone better if someone had told me about everything being back to front so the wipers were going when trying to indicate, not good for the ole nerves.

Lordy we actually have just bought two, three bedroom homes in Kawarau for the princely sum of $220K for them both!!!! I know.............sounds a bargain but really risky for us as although it is the hottest place in NZ but apart from a mill there is not much there, its about 20 minutes from Whakatane and about 45 from Rotorua. But of push comes to shove we could live in one or sell again. Interestingly enough Kawarau was the only place to show good growth in housing prices in the last update so all fingers crossed.

Right I had best go and do something as the housework is piling up and I really should go play with my eldest.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

STAT STAT STAT

What an amazing night, speeding, lights whirling, running to the Ambo, stretcher carting, rushing patients to the Emergency Department(surprisingly no Dr Mcdreamy)t, wearing a fluro Jacket and even talking on the radio!

Really amazing and exhilarating and already I just feel great, like all of a sudden the fog has lifted and now I have complete clarity.
It will be hard work and the protocols to be followed are lengthy and the training immense to put it into perspective I cannot give anything stronger than an asprin until around two years of study.

But heck that was just my first shift 7pm until 7am. My next shift is on Saturday so I wonder what I will experience then. Today I took Ella into the station so she could see what Mummy is doing when she is working and the Staff was talking about the days jobs and it was really quite harrowing. I can only but wonder how I will react to my first death. Already last night I found myself paying close attention to the patients and gleaning much about their lives from any clue I could to form an opinion and wonder about their life and how the live it. It is all so brand spanking new and it is wonderful to feel adrenalin pumping, I feel amazingly lucky as it is not often we get to do something for the first time and I have a whole lifetime of first times coming my way.

I just feel so proud to be learning an amazing new skill that could be life changing, I feel proud to be doing something for my community as it is good for the soul. I feel thankful I have so many friends who give me support and encouragement and share in my excitement.

What else can I say…………………………………………. ……….Yeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

.

Happy Waitangi/New Zealand/just another day off Day

Have you been watching the coverage of Waitangi day on the news? Did you also feel stomach gripping ready to unload all of its contents? Perhaps it is just me.

I simply cannot see Mr John Keys as anything other than a snivelling little swotty tell tale schoolboy. He just makes my skin crawl. If I sit down and listen to the man he comes across almost fine but there is something about his actions that completely undermine anything that falls from his mouth. I cannot explain it but there is no way I would vote for him.

I may not be a big Hairy Helen Clark lover but I do applaud her not going to Waitangi as it is little about the remembering the Treaty and more about stutting peacocks. Speaking of that what about Hone Harawira, Maori Party MP for the Tai Tokerau? Now that feller is something to be admired, provided he does not go on walk about. I cannot say I like the man but love listening to him being interviewed and is a fantastic media manipulator; I guess the apple did not fall far from the tree. I am currently reading a Sara Donati book where the characters are Mohawk Indians and they have names like 'Falling day and Runs with wolves and Many doves'. My name for Hone would be 'Cruising shark'

I was just thinking to myself how I would love to have someone like Hone on our side and not against us. A bit of a Freudian slip I feel. As these thoughts have come from a person who loves Maori culture and is truly interested in learning, tries hard to pronounce the language and incorporates the language in everyday life, whose children wear ponamu and hopefully one day I dream for my children to feel comfortable on a Marae. That is the first time I have felt there is an us and a them but who is who is very unclear. If I am feeling this way god only know what people who disrespect Maori and/or Non Maori are feeling. Scary stuff

Poorly Poppy. Yet again she has not quite unfinished her last antibiotics and she is unwell with a temperature. Friends we played with on Friday have the pox of the chicken variety. I am not sure how long it takes to get them but am keeping my eyes peeled, Ella has spots on her legs but does not feel unwell so who knows.

Oh you know that finacial adviser I told you of and how good we felt about it WELL in saturdays Mail was the bill and $760 later!!!! frickin heck!!!!! I am wild and feel screwed. I shall let you know.

Poppys word of the week DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!DON'T!

Thanks for that Ella!

My first shift on the Ambulance is coming really fast...........................I am so nervous and underconfident on so many levels, I know I have support from Jason but not 100% that I am sure of as he detests the idea of me leaving the home and not getting paid for it. I need to do this for me. Just breathe

Poppy meets Tama

Summer in Whakatane has been far superior to any other summer I have experienced. Saturday night was spent in the rose gardens with hundreds of picnic rugs, children running riot and listening to a Wellington Jazz band Shaken not stirred. It was fantastic even CH got up a strutted his fancy side together in broad daylight!

It really was fabulous, the weather was deliciously warm, the wine and beers flowed freely and everybody was very relaxed. Poppy spent the time flitting from rug to rug trying to muscle in on a new family or running very fast in alternating directions and trying in vain to get on the stage as she was completely enthralled by the lead female singer. Ella was happy snacking on picnic fare and pulling out her classic 'run in a circle dance'

We lost Ella. It was terrible, our back was turned as we packed up and she saw an opportunity and buggered off. All our friends hunting for the little brat and luckily I found her on the otherside of the park, far away from the music and next to the blooming river, by jesus it was about then Ella was thankful for Sue Bradfords little law.

I guess the only thing we noticed was the clear class distinction of the event. Sure, jazz does not appeal to all but surely in a place where 40% of the community are Maori you would see a similar representation. Less than 5% would be more accurate. It was exactly the same to celebrate Christmas at carols by candle light. I am not sure what the reason could be as they are all free events and fabulous for kids all you need is time.

We spoke to Tama as he rode his bike to the event and Ella is very into bikes as she promptly checked out his wheels and proudly declared that soon she will be three and she will get a bike if she is good(highly unlikely at this stage) Tama said that was good as a bike will take her everywhere(thats what I am afraid of!) Poppy was intrigued by Tama, shied away at first then he held out his hand and she reached for it looking intently into his face. She has always done this and possesses a look far above her years that counts and weighs somebody with her all seeing eyes. Quite unnerving when most of the time she is left wanting.

$160 per hour and no happy ending!

We are in financial limbo. We have a little money that has been hard earned and for some it would take a lifetime to achieve and yet it is not anywhere close to achieving our goals. Do we invest in the property market, shares, currency, business opportunities or just simply save? Over the last year we have done the lot!

We are both impatient people and have been risk takers in the past but now we must be frugal. It seems odd then in the face of febuary, our new knuckle down buget kicks in that we go and blow $160 on a chat with someone.

A financial strategist. Actually really great once you get past the fact some stranger wants to get the real nitty gritty on your life. It was good just to have a person sort out fact from fiction on a non emotional level. It was also great to confirm we are not floundering and have thus far been clever and managed our money well. We now await an analysis based upon some of our ideas to get ahead and see if they can be given life. I will keep you posted.

Oh yeah my first rostered working night on an Ambulance is Waitangi day, cool huh!

Brandy Alexandra anyone?

Yep, gals I still have it.

It has been years since I stood behind a bar and made cocktails. I went to a fantastic birthday party and blew everyone away with my well garnished and equisitely good cocktails. Yummy!

The food was fantastic, I made bulk sushi which was lovely but the best by far was Kingfish spare ribs in an amazing sauce. Fantastic.

The highlight of the week was a child free day! I shit you not ladies a whole day with adults and no children. A free day at the races, all expenses paid bus trip and of course I looked gorgeous and Delwyn I wore those cool polka pants you made me buy in Melbourne, and yes it was a good bum day!

Healthline

What a week. Four nights and no sleep, crying baby totally inconsolable who is only now just starting to eat. Hey I have just had a thought and perhaps that is why I am feeling a little down on myself!

We have just come through a tonsillitis viral infection and discovered Poppy is allergic to penicillin. I had no idea tonsillitis was viral and infectious! hmmn who knew.

I also discovered that during high temps it is advisable to use a combination of both pamol and Nurofen for kids. Plus the Nurofen has the coolest top on it that makes it easy to measure out the right dose.

I called the health line and they were just amazing and encourage all of you to do the same, store this number in your cell as you never know when you will need it
0800 611 116

Life according to Ella

Ella is at this amazing age and constantly coming up with little observations. Here is this weeks little ditties.

"Mama, My bum does not fit me!"
Oh honey I know how you feel.

"Mama the moon is broken!"
How do you explain the waxing and waneing of the moon to a near three year old!

"Mama I am proud of you!"
A real heart melter when she came out of the blue with this one.

Yummy Yummy Yummy I have Jelly in my tummy

Not again.

I started the year with such positivity and this year was the first time I did not start the year with crash diets and deluded pledges of uncompromising exercise routines.

It is not even the end of January and I am feeling old, skody and horrifically unattractive. What to do, what to do.

I often look at my half stuffed Haggis looking stomach and I find it truly amazing, the thousands of the shiny stetchmarks with the occasional strips of skin. The texture is fantastic, really soft and CH loves it. Even my daughters love it and giggle uncontrollably when they pat it and watch it wobble.

In all honesty, I want it gone. I do not mind the fact I have stretchmarks as they stand as a constant reminder to that amazing time when your baby was just yours and yours alone. All those quite times with each other when you could keep them safe in every way. What I do mind is the fact you do not need to see my skin to know I am a mother for heavens sake if it were not for super bras my tum would be more prominent than my boobs as it peeks around the corner five minutes before I get there!

I am thinking sit ups.

Thankfully we start a firm budget in feb and the Dairy prices are so high that our house will no longer be filled with bulk chocolate, five different types of ice cream, toppings to match and nine different cheeses(seriously I just counted)

I need to do this, just for me all I need now is will power. Got any spare?

My home resembles ground zero for a national hygiene disaster.

Every wall from toy covered carpet to about a metre high covered in grimey fingerprints, sloppy kisses and hopefully washable pens.

Cupboards ransacked, pots replaced with headless dolls and the odd ball and broken MacDonald’s toys, potatoes with little bites out of them hidden through the pantry, cd’s and dvd’s posted wherever they can fit and used nappies discarded wherever my oldest stops drops and rolls.

But what a fabulous summer holiday, this last month our home has been brimming with children’s giggles, afternoon naps in the sun, good food and salty Margaritas. We have just said goodbye to last of our family and a return to life normality.

Highlights, too many to mentions but they all have involved spending a fortune on summer berries and swimming. I guess my favourite time that was just for me was my ‘Tolberone naps’ Sadly I am down to my last few peaks of my 400gram Choocie mountain and now I feel like singing “Summer loving” to a tight black wearing bock of Tolberone. Every afternoon if I got the kids down to sleep I would go and read and nibble upon said chocolate. I could judge what sort of day I was having by the number of triangular goodness to required to rock me to sleep. Three was a good day a celebration.

Well I am dithering again as I really need to be starting at one end of the house and today I promised a drawing day to Ella as it is slightly overcast and I am crossing all fingers for rain.

Right lets have a good food day, hopefully no crap for the first time in nearly two months. I have the DT’s already.

tolberone)Summer lovin' had me a blast


(jody)Summer lovin' happened so fast

(tolberone)I met a girl crazy for me

(jody)Met a choccie as yum as can be

Summer naps driftin' away,

to uh-oh those summer nights
Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh

Tell me more, tell me more
Did you eat very much?

Tell me more, tell me more

I feel a bit left out as I have not one New Years resolution.

Here is one for the benefit of you poor buggers that wade through my rant filled drivel.

I will try to use spell check...........................no really I will

I just did!

Holy shite 2008 already

It surely would take hours upon hours to entertain you all with my tales of life since my last blog.

To attempt to give you the shortened version would be cruelty at its most wicked.

So I won't.

But hear ye this,

It could quite possibly be the best two weeks of my life......................

Love to you all but I will be not blogging terribly often until Feb as this Jan is my summer holiday. Life is grand..........................now where did I put down my glass?

Does it get any better than this?

The perfect day, low cloud and mist settleling in the valley around, smothering all brightness except the twinkle of fairy lights, snuggling under soft blankets with cuddly children, watching The Lion King while eating warm home made piklets with fresh cream and straberry jam.

This is my day no wonder I cannot think about New Years resolutions as honestly there is nothing I would change!

St Johns update

Oh did I mention that I have made it through to the first interview stage for becoming a paramedic? Interview on the 19th, how very exciting!

The day after the morning after

Monday.............................Baking day.....................................

I have that horrible niggling feeling that I have completely forgotten something very important.

Christmas lights on, electronic babysitter on, still in PJ's, chocolate within an arms reach(but not a chubby toddlers digit) Nope it does seem that everything is normal and well with the world. I guess it is just the after alcohol blues. I have no idea why I bother really, well yes I do as I am much better at it than CH. All of yesterday the self pitying sad arse vomited the whole day until his nose bled. Sad bastard.

I too was feeling poorly, as pale as alabaster, cold sweats and the near embarrassment of coming close to dropping draws and doing unspeakable things in a friends garden. Quite a good night, by all accounts, Looking fabulous in my casual attire, my new favourite dress. Although everyone kept calling me Dorothy and hiding their cigarettes in my pockets..............................I do not really understand, Dorothy never had a neckline as plunging!

I really feel like sulking and hiding today and I perhaps stay in my silky gown all day. I wish I could sleep some more as I am having really vivid dreams that I awake almost more tired than when I went to sleep. I do love dreams and especially love the haunting ones that stick with you all day. I am dreaming about having threesomes lately, what do you think that means? Last nights consisted of some middle aged sex therapist/hooker CH had invited into our bedroom to give me a good time! man alive I was so wild and angry in the dream I must have some suppressed rage somewhere.

The night before I too was taken over with rage and with pure eloquence and reaching booming voice with no mercy proceeded to tell someone what I really thought of them. That would never happen again as really it has only happened once.

The previous night yet another threesome with another fellow some I also love but never in this way........................................it was really loving and amazing. Super dream I need more of those. Is there a pill I can take? The most amazing part of the dreams as that CH will do anything and is self sacrificing to ensure my happiness. Perhaps that is it?

I must try and find a book to tell me what the dreams mean as I have no wish for threesomes, fantastic and fun when young, silly and single...........................I have enough past exploits to last a life time, so its not that.

In my dreams I always end up running and getting the hell out of dodge. Nearly always filled fear, murderers and being chased but always winning. I guess I can be thankful for that.

My own Cinema that plays just for me...................................quite cool really.

Yes you may have some cake and no driving afterwards!

Well I did it finally cracked the Playgroup I go to and it only took three weeks! I did have my doubts as the ladies were not the most welcoming but I finally wooed them with my winning personality and delicious skills on edibles and off I go to a coffee at someones place on Friday. Mind you I could be off to a tar and feathering for all I know.

It was my theory if I just kept turning up they could not ignore me forever. I swear it is much harder to get into a beach Mothers group than it is to get into our Army museum and steal millions of dollars worth of hard earned medals.............................if we go to war may god protect us as our men and women in green are unlikely to!

Oh my Christmas cakes are amazing, so blooming rich and alcoholic that once swallowed you would swear you had a nip if whiskey as the warming feeling is the same. I have indeed found a keeper recipe.

Oh yes off down to Ashvegus for Christmas and Christ on a scooter I am actually looking forward to it! I know!!!!! The devil must be skating on an ice rink, I knew I had gone soft but this is akin to Helen Clark singing "Happy Birthday to Mr President" while dressed as Marylin to John Keys.

Geez I hope I am not dying!

Behold!

My first ever iced Christmas cakes I am well underway to rival Martha. Actually I must say that I am quite chuffed as it took no time at all(under an hour) and look at the result imagine how cool things could look if.........................
#1 I knew how to ice cakes
#2 Actually planned and though about it.

I cannot wait for next year then!

Right I must go as we are having people over for dinner this evening and I am about to find if I can buy any canneloni in this meat and two vege town

Christmas at the langdons!

Would you believe at last count we have nearly 900 pretty lights scattered throughout our home! Feck I love Christmas! Right nearly finished my Christmas cake too!

Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........Good things happen to good people........

Good always triumphs over evil. Things happen for a reason.

I have to believe, with the week news stories I am truly finding it hard.

May you rest in peace Emma, may people tread carefully where you are laid as buried with you are many New Zealander's hope.

Good ole St John

I have gone and been inspired again.

I am waiting on one more tiny detail and my application to be a Saint Johns volunteer will be underway. Provided I make the grade it will be a most exciting and rewarding experience. I not only get to give back and help my local community I also get the chance to study and learn on the job how to become a paramedic. It will take many years of commitment but it just feel right and I was like a swotty kid at the meeting, so very excited.

I am not sure if you realise this but when you are in need of a Ambulance you are mostly being attended by volunteers. There are few paid positions in Saint Johns as it is a registered charity and nothing to do with the goverment. It is a passion and they really are the unsung heroes, imagine if people stop giving their time, where will we be. Well this is one thing I am not prepared to leave it up to someone else, so hopefully all going well you will be able to join with me in my new adventure over the next few years and you never know you too may get inspired!

Monday a day of rest, relaxation and magazines by the pool. Yes I still have dreams.

Reality? Scrubbing all day for tomorrow we have a house inspection. My only hope is my children let me do this with as little whingeing as possible. I have never had a house inspection before and as it is through a rental agency past memories of other peoples horrific experience with said inspectors are coming to mind. I know it has to happen but lordy I feel it is such an invasion.

Today as luck would have it we are toilet training and have been for a couple of weeks and already before 9am I have cleaned up 2 accidents. I find it so hard keeping my cool and saying 'next time you will do it in the pottie won't you' When really I am chewing back a very different sentence.

Yes I know I am procrastinating by doing this very blog but let me delude myself for another few minutes.

I really am quite knackered and still recovering from the weekend. My fault really I went around to a girlfriends on friday night where I proceeded to drink far too much cheap wine. By 4am I was awake, felt like I had a mouthful of cornflour and there was no way I could get back to sleep with the pain throbbing behind my eyeballs. Stupidly I got up and within no time I was up too my elbow in mince making hamburger patties, icing cup cakes, making rainbow jelly..........oh it was a very long day. But damn it was cool, Ella had a blast!

Look at my girls........................................they are just lovely at the moment. Poppy is going through a very affectionate stage which means keeping a towel handy to wipe up the slobber from spontaneous displays of love. She is not walking yet but finds in immensely funny to try balancing 'no hands' she is a real parrot at the moment and tries to say things you say but mostly she is just saying the basics, Our names, Hiya!, yep! Ella is a complete chatter box and constantly amazes me with her observations. They are both completely different and really hard cases. I look at the photo above and I find it hard to believe they are my daughters, where the hell did they come from?

Ladybug ladybug fly away home

It is Ok to feel somewhat inadequate while basking in the glow of my Pattisserie prowess........................................here it is my first ever attempt at a Childrens Birthday cake and I had a really great time doing it. It may not be the most well put together cake but it tasted fantastic, was extremely moist and more impotantly was a bit of a hit with all the children. The best part of it is the little figures I made around the edge as I have packed them away in a special little box filled with cotton wool to go with Poppy's keepsakes. At this rate I am going to need two extra bedrooms for the crap I keep.

The party was fantastic and everyone was extremely well feed with lots of dancing children giggling their way around the house dropping feckin red and black icing on our carpet(which stains) We are already finding we are being surrounded by the most amazing people who willingly invite us in to share their lives

Lordy I almost cannot cope. Ever since I became a mother I am just a festering open sore of emotion. Missing Christchurch woman Emma Agnew has me in complete turmoil and was saddened by what I read this morning about her family given up hope of ever seeing her alive again.

You all know I am naive and like to think of the good in people but I just cannot believe she is dead for I truly hope and have to believe that good things happened to good people. I am already terrified enough of things in this world and most of the time you can put it down to thinking things only happen in the movies. When we are faced with blood curdling events in every day news it is any wonder we leave our windows unbarred or even venture outside the home for we truly do not know what is stalking us. I feel hunted and I am as unprotected as a turkey around christmas time.

My heart is truly exsposed for her family and should anything like that would happen to my loved ones, I really do not think I could ever breathe again. Absolutely horrific.

I am not a big talker to God but hell I am praying for Emma and her family.

Fucking Facebook

I finally gave in so I could view a couple of friends who do not blog and keep up with their lives and the next thing I knew I had wasted a whole morning. DO NOT DO IT!

Happy Bithday Pops

Friday, what a complete fabulous day. A day to celebrate the one year anniversary of welcoming Poppy into our lives. I love my children's birthdays, not just for the excuse to sprinkle the day with fairy lights, bubbles, cake and giggles, not to even mention chocolate for breakfast but reflecting on how we got here. I am sure friends of mine out there will understand as much as the birth of your child is your greatest physical pain but now that part is long forgotten and I take the opportunity to remember hour by hour what happened to ensure the memory lives. I loved my experience and thinking upon it only makes my love stonger, gosh I am just so in awe of my children 'LOOK AT WHAT I HAVE CREATED!'

I honestly do not know my arse from my elbow at present. I have been a solo mum for about three weeks now as CH works all the hours given then socialises the rest away, the girls only see him for half an hour in the morning, he is so knackered and still five weeks of busy times to go.

I have so many projects on the go that I barely know where to start, in fact the very act of writing this blog entry today is pissing about and in strong denial of the fact I have much to do.

I am making my fist ever Children's cake and am struggling with the looks V's taste debate. I am making a Ladybug cake and I can make it look fantastic in lovely rolled red icing that traditionally graces Christmas cakes but it will taste like crap or I can ice in it a incredibly yummy frosting and have it look 'rustic' but taste great. What is the point in having cake and not having it taste fantastic. I think I have just made my decision.

In the background you can see our outdoor Christmas tree, it does really look lovely and it night our garden is a twinkling wonderland, of course I got burned to a cinder with decorating and I am sure lucky not to have fallen off a ladder with my complete disregard for Occupation health and safety but I love it and I am sure I am the biggest kid around at this time of the year and will be so until my dying day.

This Saturday we are having a party a Christmas/staff party/Poppy's birthday which will be great, poor neighbours I must to some butt kissing. A few weeks ago we had a bit of a night and our small garden became a latrine, fecking filthy animals, two toilets in a house and still they piss on fences. Bloody men constantly like to display the fact they piss anywhere and not once wet their socks!

I so wish you were all here to celebrate with us and help me make colourful treats and rig up an electric fence in out garden area.

Right off to start my day...................................................................

iGoogle

iGoogle

She's all gone with her red shoes on.....................

I must admit I was a bit anxious about going out with the gals in Whakatane. As you know there is a wee bit of problems up here at present and many had filled my head with tales of violence, warnings of making sure I was home by midnight and other such that should really only be in the realm of campfire tales.

The only reason a little white girl should be home before midnight is utter utter boredom.

I truly expected good bands with lots of regge, dub, drum and bass for that relaxed summertime feeling. Boy was I wrong. All we could manage a shitty little bars and local bands, albeit really good covers bands but just not to my tastes as they belt out 'Mustang Sally' to the overabundant gyrating booze hags.

There was one glimmer of excitement which made me put my money where my mouth is, yet another shitty feet sticking to the floor bar that played host to the younger members of the community. Lots of retro 'rage against the machine' with hip hop mixes. Boy did I feel old being some 14 years senior to most of the bods busting a move there. I love to dance but in all seriousness I was pulling myself to go out and try to foot it with the young 'uns when having not danced in years.

Oh there was a time when I could really move, now its only when Nappies are on special.

I pray that I did not look to bad on the dancefloor..........................old white girls can dance...honest..............................................yeah right. Well at least no one put me in the recovery position.

All in all I had a cracker of a night with a real great bunch of women, admittedly most drink like men so I could never keep up on that score but I cannot wait to do it again. I recommend to one and all of you yummy mummies out there to get off your arse and go have some non family fun!

Friday

I really must lay off the ciggarettes.

I also could be said I should never have started again.

My current excuse seems to be a combination of relaxation and naughtiness. CH as most of you will know hates smokers and sees little point to it. If that is not incentive the I do not know what is.

Honestly there is not much better at the moment than making a good cup of coffee for morning tea on the deck by our bedroom, shutting the door, lighting a ciggarette and basking in the local birds morning chatter. It is a fantastic start for the day it is almost like my own wee motavational meeting.

I am off out tonight I KNOW, SHOCK HORROR! a group of gals who go out for a meal, drinks and a chat once a month. Also this week it may suprise you to know I went for a walk, yes a proper one, I sweated and everything! My neighbour and I have decided to go a couple of times a week. Her name is Jodi, which seems just wrong.

Also next week I have been invited to a Stationery party. Damn right I will go to anything that celebrates staying still. Instead its paper and things, a new one for me and hell its gotta beat a linen party. All I can say is that I better be home by Heroes!

The weather is fabulous here and we have been eating our own strawberries for two weeks now, Hmmn what shall we do today, we baked cool gingerbread shapes yesterday, I think the beach today, get your towel and hat and come with us.

A Family that plays together, stays together!

I remember once telling a lovely Scotish friend of mine about the state of child abuse in this fair country and cracking a joke similar to my title above. She was appalled at not only my gall to make jest but the fact that so many New Zealand families are riddled with child abuse.

The leading story when I hoped off the plane back in Christchurch was research proving that one in four New Zealanders experience sexual abuse before the age of 15, normally at the hands of a family member or trusted family friend. I know this to be true. The highlight of all this "research" for me was that they now attributed this terrible abuse to loosening advertising and veiwing restrictions, consumption of alcohol and the decay of morals. What a crock of shite, so are they saying companies that advertise a product using women in bikinis promote fiddling with children! You cocks. I do not think you can explain why this happens only that it does, I know it, you know it, it disgusts us as a nation. No one cares, I can prove it.

Heard any more on that story which broke more nearly two weeks ago?

Nope gone for another couple of months, lets help starving children in Chad instead. Its easire to digest. Perhaps somewhere down the track more advertising restrictions or some bullocks and the reason will be citied by the above research.

I have been thinking for some time now how to face this and how we as a community could make positive changes. One half of me cannot even believe we openly discuss this as really IT SHOULD NEVER EVER HAPPEN! But it does.

I think somehow somewhere firm lines have to be drawn while other PC ones erased. Our confusion with all this PC bullocks has clouded our judgement and made us doubt our abilities to parent. Ella ever since going to child care she has hated anyone changing her Nappies, I worry but yet she is most likely just being a prat. Ella the other night was playing with some little boys at a party and on the way hime she said "I touched a boy!" If they had not been in my sight the whole time, I would wonder. Is this not bullocks. I am scared for my children and it is perhaps expecting that everyone is a potential kiddy fiddler has given strength to the kiddy fiddler as we have set the expectation long ago.

How to change? I remember going to a play a few years ago and in it was a Man talking about getting a hard on while his child bounced about on his knee, my first reaction was like most and one of utter disgust but then he went onto say he felt terrible about it and how that must mean he was an abuser and it was not until he thought about it rationally that it was just the movement and not what actually what was on his knee that did it, I guess like some men get a driving hard on and that does not mean the want to have sex with the car!

It is normal natural things that happen that we cannot talk about anymore that we have created a monster, gosh when I think of all the things we did as children we would have been called sexual preditors by some as making poor little fellow from down the road play spin the bottle or flush his naked arse down the loo or fiddle with each others bits when playing doctors and nurses all harmless fun with complete lack of understading but now considerered taboo when really it was natural inqusitiveness.

Punishment is part of the solution, public floggings perhaps. Teaching our children common sense has to be another part of it as they need to know the difference between uncle playfully slapping them on the arse if given the opportunity to inappropriate behavior. We need to give them strength and courage to stand for what is right and nurture those parental bonds to ensure the lines of communication are open.

The past is gone and cannot be changed and tomorrow is not yet here so what we do with today really matters. Remember that.

24

God dammit I need some clarity in my life and one heck of an explanation!

As you know I have a nasty wee habit of tele watching and wait poised for the mind mushing return of the new series of my favourte TV programmes.

One of those is 24. I magine my surprise when trying to drag myself off to bed at 11pm last night when an episode of 24 that I have never seen came on! At that time of night, you bastards!

What the heck, is this a new series or another series I have never seen.

Can anyone clarify?

Melbourne the homecoming

Ella checking herself out in her halloween outfit complete with her highlight LIPSTICK look at the lush curls!

The girls at a Twilight county fair last week.

I must admit to sulking for almost a week upon my return. Do not get me wrong I love my life and my children are my reason for taking breath. Before I left I had huge anxiety about leaving especially my youngest but to my surprise It took me three days to miss them. It was a timely break and reminder that I am not just the Mother of Ella and Poppy or the wife of Jason. I drank, smoked like a train, took pills and giggled my way through the day without a shitty nappy in sight.

Girl power is what it was, no matter how close you are to your husband there are just things that you can do with your girl friends that you cannot do with your husband. Spending full time hours in shops, perving at eye candy all the while discussing female issues and most likely coming up with a cure for world hunger. I recommend to all my sisters out there to plan a similar gal getaway as it really gets you back to basics and fills you with the joie De vere once again.

By the fourth day however I really did long for my girls but was helped along by some lovely wee mothers helpers, I am not really into pills but these little cherubs are amazing they have a combination a herbs for general well being but they do contain some BZP, the effect was outstanding, I felt happiness like I have not felt in years, energy was just beaming from every orifice and they really made the holiday. Go figure! I now have a supply and will only use for special occasions as I can see now why thing like this were chewed on like candy for the Mums of the 60's, 70's and 80's.

CH was fabulous with the children and was the most amazing star and now I can see he understands what my day is about and how truly thankful and appreciated my Motherly skills are. The best thing for me is to see he truly has got to know Poppy and that is just beautiful.

Melbourne the shopping

Blessed are the visa card users for they shall inherit the world!

I was such a dithering mess when I left and although I had the blessing of my husband who constantly encouraged me to spend money, I really did think I would hold back a little on the spending. Boy was I wrong I shopped like I have never and will never shop again. I left NZ with 13kgs and returned with 51kgs of clothing and accessories, you will be pleased to know I got all on my wish list and then I got more. The prices choice and originality was gobsmacking and I truly nearly brought in every shop I visited. We spent the bulk of our time in Bridge Street which is quite like a much larger High Street in Christchurch and Smith street. We never ventured into one of those mammoth DFO malls as the prices of Bridge street was much cheaper. We also went to the Victoria Market and I was truly expecting to go nuts there but it was mostly junk.

Duty free I love it, I got three perfumes, skin and eye care, alcohol and most importantly the huge fuck off Toblerones, man I adore them and sadly I only have one left and it is on borrowed time.

Those who know me well we also know my aversion to exercise, well ladies I walked my arse off and every day my muscles were stiff and sore from lugging gargantuan bags of shopping, yes I had shopping injuries. My feet as you know are interesting in shape and tied to thwart my escapades at every level. Much to my surprise I bought a pair of Crocs. Now in the past I have cast scorn and made vomiting noises at those wearing the hideous summer gumboot and even as recently has a week before I left I giggled at the stupidity of my sister for spending $50 on a pair of Croc thongs. I now own a pair of croc thongs and I have to say that without these glorious plastic fantastics I would have had to stop shopping or go bare footed.

Favourite buys,
Transformers belt buckle,
Fabulous summer dress
and these forgiving denim Gripp 3/4's

Melborne the food

I have been home for well over a week now and my holiday still takes up much of my day.

Melbourne was without a shadow of doubt fabulous. Words could not ever convey how blooming ridiculously fantastic my time away was. For the entire trip I was a giddy little schoolgirl with eyes as big as saucers and a dorky grin to match!

The food was outstanding in every way and as much as it pains me to admit this but the culinary standard of most restaurants made their NZ counterparts look like Ma and Pa’s tuck shop. We only had five nights which meant cold and harsh decision making on what parts of Melbourne to explore, in China town I tried Peking duck for the very first time and I will just kill myself if that was the last time I will ever experience its succulent, bewilderingly tasty little packages.

We feasted upon much fresh prawn, squid, fish, exotic terrines, cured meats, mouth zapping relishes, amazing new season Queensland nectarines and fresh sushi but my personal favourite was Melbounians love of juice bars, Oh it is that orchard fresh goodness I miss most of all. I feel so isolated in a town where a juice bar is the local pub with raro on tap.


The best night by far was the Sunday evening, D and I were belles of the ball I cannot remember what the lane was called but it is only there at night and all of the tables were lit with candle light and the weather warm and muggy and a two piece jazz band played through our meal. At about dessert we started getting the glad eye from the band and before we knew they were serenading us in Italian with songs of our choice. I noticed the girl in the table next to us was having a birthday a pretty wee Malaysian girl celebrating her 18th. It ending up D and I dragged her up to dance and before you knew it we were having an amazing time dancing for the other diners. One of the partners of the jazz player a rather large Italian lady was up dancing first and man alive could this lady dance and she would severely put most to shame, what a love of life and younger men this woman had, the soles of my feet still bear some of the inground Melbourne pavement I got from dancing like a snake!!! I know it is what one of the old Italians described my dancing skills………………………………….. What a night but the merriment soon came to an end and about 3am I was cursed with having the dry horrors and not a drop of water to drink, painfully remembering why I do not drink often!

He He he he he ohhhh dear heeeee he

Three sleeps to go, I am so excited.

Not only am I going to spend loads of time with fav gal, go on a plane, stay in a hotel, Duty free treats, eat lots of fab food, drink bubbles, bright lights and big city, shopping from here to Africa and not a shitty nappy in sight.

I could just pee myself......................................

On to important matters.

THE LIST

What to buy................................

#Grey stuff, yes big next year I think

#Citrus shades, great for summer

#Gladiator Sandals, lots of strap and a bit of heel.

#Knee length shorts, hiding the bits I want disguised.

#Longish tops.

#Engineered suck me in pants.

#Tunics, Halter in style, sweetheart neckline to balance out arse with small shoulders and enhance bust, not too long.

#Capri pants, with very specific lengths

#Crop 3/4 only if firm around the hips and wide floaty legs to show pin ankles and perhaps give the illusion that my legs are like that all the way up

#Perfume, Hmmn I think I will have to get my stock standard Hypnotic Poison but I am over issey for summer so I need to do some testing.

#Facial products in particular micro dermabraison I still need to investigate that one.

#Casual shoes

#Casual and funky Hoodies

#Jeans!!! Hmmn or at the very least great casual pants

#Swim wear to cover wobbly bitsahh hell or perhaps a wet suit.

#Gorgeous Lingerie, lift and present boobies

#Dresses

#More handbags of course

Well thats the basics covered!

Hello poor house and beans on toast, still very worth it

The new Do

There we go, you asked for it one fabulous self potrait of new do, does not even resemble what I left the salon with as it has more of a just got out of bed look.................cos I have, minus the hooker lipstick. Hey you can even see my freckles!

Quite an interesting experience at the salon, not your normal bullocky converstion but more a course in local education as we spoke manly about gangs!

This is the unusual thing in living up here is just how much gangs are in the every day life, I decided to get my hair cut in Kopeopeo which is apparently a Blackpower haven but I love it for the people watching it is great. I toatally stick out like a sore thumb as most of the people I have met thus far would not think of shopping there. I find this whole gang relationship quite interesting as all of my experience which is few and far between is of White gangs. I guess more to the point I understand it on some level as most of you will know that I have no blood family I have not given birth too and little knowlege of my heritage so the idea of a bigger family is a little in the realm of hopes and dreams for me. I know that gangs are not really like this but the truth of the matter is there are good people and bad bastards everywhere and a patch does not nicely classify them as either. Many people have told me that once I live here a few years I will hate Maoris, I find this disturbing. I have always felt a real strong and emotional connection with Maori culture as if one day I hope to find that I am one so I no longer have to feel like a fraud. Just more of wanting that sense of belonging I guess.

I have met some really lovely women here, intelligent capable and with great jobs, yet their men are fully patched up members in the local gang. I do not know what I expected, more like toothless middle aged old hags with my hooker lippie on chugging back a cheap arse beer.

I think I should start my own gang and base it on more like a female Freemason to guard all our female secrets and pass on skills through each other and encourage learning and growth for future generations, a haven of sorts to give strength to one another and next step world domination!

Matriarch Misadventures

A huge Thankyou to the wonderful men of our All Blacks.

I and other rugby families will no longer have to put up with Rugby bullocks, late nights and early mornings and boring replays.

What if this whole thing was orchestrated and planned by the women of the world and put into action by the wives and girlfriends of all involved with the World Cup.

This could happen, or has it?

When I am Queen of this fair country, you Grab-a-seat bastards will be the first up against the wall.

You arse vomit sodden pricks, I am completely and utterly gutted with these sheep buggering bandit cheap fares. Every time there is a fare I could use, I wait, eyes glues, children abandoned and bawling, credit card poised, nose picking finger at the ready to punch in my details.

This time I got through with record speed, right through to punching in my credit card detail and giggling with glee and then flashing read meassage, " Sorry those flights are no longer available."

Who has my fucken tickets?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I cannot use this site again, my temper will not hold.

Pledge Update

I never complain to manufacturers, even about important things. This time I was so wild that I did. Today I recieved a $15 voucher in the post with the advice that in future I should spray upon cloth instead of directly on to surface. So go fourth and spay.

Christmas Ahoy

It has begun, three days of prep and the result is the most weighty, decadent and rich, plonk swamped Christmas cakes I have ever made. These monsters will almost double in weight with their weekly feeding of port on the lead up to Christmas.

I love Christmas cake day it is a new tradition I started as my own Mother once made a christmas cake sponge mixture and fruit mix the night before and I still loved loved it, it was only the once and I remember it well. I always had this dream of a proper Christmas card family Christmas with all the family pitching in and making it a truly magical event, Christmas carols playing while all standing around the massive bowls of cake batter and each stiring the mix and making a wish.

In reality what a complete balls up it was to try to do with a baby and a naughty toddler helping you bake and who knows what my oldest minion managed to get into the batter when my back was turned. It would take a complete saint to enjoy this event and not come a sweaty scarlet bundle with gang banger curses. The buggers ground me down and pissed all over my Christmas card vision.

However I live to tell the story and will of course look forward to next year. Ella is already amped for Christmas, we have been doing some pretty instensive training but so far all she wants for Christmas is a Christmas Cake and a Christmas Tree, oh bless.