The Wheel Turns

I may have been a bit quiet of late, in fact I have almost been non blogging for 10 months or more. Why, too much to say I guess and little I wanted any of you to know.

Filthy word divorce, used with other equally horrid descriptive words like failure, break up, break down, heart break, shame, devastation and so very much more. I have got the T shirt!

It has been so very tough but to alleviate your fears I can indeed confirm that we are still married with the intent of being forever. Well at least for now..............I always have to have options, yes! I am aware of the problem but you would be so happy sitting next to me in a sinking ship as I would have at least 10 way outs up my sleeve all extremely well thought out!

It was bad at one point CH had actually packed his bags and we were dividing up our meager possessions and wondering what could have gone so very wrong. Ten months of gut retching sadness and more tears than I could handle is not good for a domestic goddess. The worst part was the eating and hiding away and the "put on a smiley face" Christ my lipsticks got so bright I looked like a trannie!

We never know how we will react to a situation until we are in it. As you all know I am a fairly strong gal but I fell to pieces. A dull mosaic. That my friends pissed me off more!

Upon reflection I made many mistakes and my most pivotal one was telling no one in my close circle of friends about what was happening. I just continued with life normality, La la la, organising coffee groups, Christmas parties, fundraising and helping out whenever I could. I do not know why. I have the most amazing bunch of women in my life and any one of them would drop anything and come if I called.....................but I could'nt. It was not healthy.

I guess as with all those of you who have read my blog over the years and been there with me as I muddle through barely knowing me arse from me elbow in this whole parenting gig. This seems to be a whole new phase. It is kinda like birthing pain, no one tells you about it until it is over and then generally ignored as it never happened. It seems to me that we all know marriages takes work but how much work is generally ignored. I now feel confident in our decision to stay together but almost with equal confidence know it would be difficult to separate but achievable.(there I go again with the defence mechanism) It would just be like spending your life savings on booking a flight to Paris for a holiday and ending up in Rotorua.....................not quite where you thought you would end up but you would make the most of it while you were there.

I came clean to my girlfriends this week and I know they are hurt I could not confide but as the friends they are they hide that and support me anyway. I just love them. My advice to you all out there that should you embark on the journey I have just got back from it is long and dark and you need a friend to hold your hand so please do not make the same mistake. Also do not be suprised that you are having huge almost unsolvable problems in paradise as it appears to be much like saggy boobs after breast feeding, a bit ugly but quite normal!