And the fab wife award goes to.............................

Last week CH had his first meeting as the great big boss of everyone. He spent days on his presentation and powerpoint.

Unfortunately his laptop died and he had to borrow our home laptop to run the presentation on the projection screen.

He opened 'Documents' then clicked on the 'Jason' folder and on the huge fuck off screen popped up two folders one 'Managers Meeting' the other '100 sex mistakes'

OMG!!!!! Months earlier I had downloaded the file for a joke and had not got rid of it (I mean he might have read it and I would have been the benificiary!)

Yes as you can imagine my name is a bit muddy at present.

Mummy has a big fat arse do daaa do daaaaa

Well the shite hit the fan today ladies, I went to get dressed this morning and admittedly my wardrobe has shrunk dramatically in the last couple of months but this morning I was given little choice but to wear CH's fricken jeans!(camera pans left to a running hippo in slow motion)

Luckily I have hit the treadmill three times this week, which is exactly tree times more than I have ever done before. I have also done three mornings of abdominal exercises and so far the last three times I have weighed myself today I am heavier than when I started this while damn crusade.

Yes yes I know all the crap and next week I will stop eating a packet of mint slices for a TV snack.

Ok all you Yummy Mummy's out there listen up.

At my last gal pal get together I was told about this child Phsychologist, I forget his name, Winnacot I think but that is besides the point and this is what counts.

Ask yourself are you a Good Enough Mother?

Yes, is the answer! Of course you are even on your worst day you are a Good Enough Mother.

Why? well his theory was this, if you think about it, being a Good mother may not be the best thing for your child, being the Super Mum who does everything with their offspring, anticipates every need and helps overcome every trial and points to a clear way on how to behave and think is doing little to promote free thinking, problem solving, imagination, creating personality except moulding little mini me's. Besides we are not our childrens personal entertainment centre, I would go batty!

In this day in age with all the pressure we have to raise our children and all the second guessing and what if's that follow us to bed at night. We need to relax and realise we turned out just fine and my Parents favourite parenting method was yelling "Get out there and play and be back by the time the street lights turn on" Imagine saying that? Christ I nearly get heart palpitations just thinking about it. OK so I may not get so realxed anytime soon to do that but I am more than comfortable with saying "I am a good enough Mother!"

Oh Miss Three is growing up as this is proof she has left her balloon and clown phobia with her Nappies.

ENOUGH!

My horrific and gluttonous eating habits have finally been given their leave. This weekend after a run in with several creamed lamingtons I weighed myself. I knew it was getting bad as I have little winter clothes that do not cut of circulation. I have managed to get right back to 75kgs, that means I have put on 4kgs since Feb. Bugger it.

Today starts a new lifestyle change, I got up at 6.30am and walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes then did 30 Ab King crunches and followed with a dairy free spiralina/flaxseed and fruit packed smoothie. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I actually felt really good after except I hate to sweat and as I was sweating I was getting itchy especially my scalp, then I started thinking LICE! I have never had lice but Ella's daycare has just had an outbreak. WHAT IF IT WAS LICE! I did however manage to rise above and resist getting CH to have a look for cooties as that would have just added to my femme fatale.

It is currently 9am, I have showered and tidied up the breakfast dishes and am about to get the house in some sort of order. Problem.............I am knackered and feel like a nap. Such a pathetic amount of exercise, what an unfit gimp.

All is not completely bad on the ole figure front Miss Three yesterday declared that her Mummy had great boobies................................obviously her taste in irrefutably fantastic but I must say that 'love is blind' and if only I can get her to say 'Mummy you look fantastic!'

Crap I am yawning so I had best get up and get going before I convince myself a nap is justified
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Lordy sometimes I know I am prone to being a wee bit OCD but for the love of god I am beginning to think I am not OCD enough. One of my fears is being trapped with my family in a car that is submerging, you know the stuff of nightmares. I am often caught thinking worst case scenario and how to get out of those tight spots. I do not thinkof it as a morbid anxiety building pass time but more as a seeker of knowledge.

I almost thought I had at least stopped thinking about this until it happened and killed someone I knew this week. Luckily I had only met her the once but I have friend who knew her well and I cannot seem to stop thinking of the events as they may or may not have unfolded. It is haunting me.

There is some good information on the Mythbusters sight but I need more investigation, apparently there is a tool for your glovebox for smashing windows and cutting seat belts, oh crap I know its a little silly but I just have to source them

knock knock

Hey this will make you laugh, Me, myself and I have decided to write a book!

GASP.................But you cannot spell!.........is it in English or your first language?

Yeah I know, but I feel it coming and hell why not. I thought the first one should be about what I know and that is not about being a parent, so I am clinging to what little I remember of my youth and writing of my OE. If at the very worst I will have got it all down on paper and have it to remind me of life before children.

As you all know I work on the back of an Ambulance..........................for free........to help others and my community and as I am the type of geek who takes immense joy from helping others and it really makes me feel good about myself.

I was desperate to get out of the house so I worked Sat night, I still had bung eye, looked like shite but thought I would just keep them clean and get on with it. Pager went off about 4am, bounced out the door and went to deal with this fellow and while cureing his ills, it came up I had children and he said 'Wow, you have children, you do not look old enough too (by this stage I was beaming) and besides you do not have a............oh no dont worry" You see that wee gap, that unfinished sentance, well I will tell you what the bugger did just before he said "oh no dont worry" the bugger looked at my lower belly.

Oh gosh I know, I bleat all the time about being a porker while yet I shove some other delicious morsel in my gob. I am nearly at rock bottom and I am thinking of getting a piece of exercise equipment! I know a bit rash and will most likely live out its days as a place to dry my towel, but I have hope, just a little low on will power.

It has to happen as I am a prime candidate for a heart attack or late onset diabeties and blooming heck I want to giggle with my great grand kids and be buggered if I will have that taken. Although with my commitment to doing pelvic floors I will be wearing a nappy when giggling with my great grand children.

I will go for a walk tomorrow!

Be alert as lerts are hard to find these days

If there was a little red button next to the bottle of gin in the 'Break in case of emergency' box, I do believe I would have pushed it.

Ladies I have broken the cardinal rule "use in times of need" and let my children watch endless Television over the last week or so.

I know I got greedy. It was just too easy. I normally was only a user for good, like cooking tea or showering alone and over the past week while having everything but bubonic plague it became part of the day while I hid in my room. It's ok I always left them with an open packet of chips and bottle coke each(hey worked for dad................while I sat in the car for hours...... dont panic he opened the window!)

Now today back to life normal and the TV has lost its magic and the children can no longer be trusted to be glued to the mat for the Go Show. They have started ignoring it and nothing is safe, new and inventive ways to foil my day, I have had to child lock almost everything. It is a constant battle, Pops is like a tasmanian devil on crack and running about from crime to crime, anything with a switch is turned, anything with a hole is filled, anything parts is operated on, It is almost time to turn all power off at the mains before I shower or go to the loo!

I may have to play a bit of bad cop and put the girls on no supply for awhile. The Eldest called my bluff this morning, I asked her to put something in her bedroom and she said "I dont feel like it" so I said "Well I do not feel like letting you watch the telly then as it is only for good girls"

The little bugger went up to the telly and turned it off!

She has also started putting 'Bloody' in front of most words, luckily with her speech its sound like 'flubby'............................yes I am currently chewing of soap as I write

I have been housebound with only my children for company this week and quite frankly, I am left wanting.

Words cannot explain how much I love my children but today I am all liked out. Constant whining, whingeing and having to listen to squealing, brawling, tale telling, sulking, tanties, room destroying, washing making, little evil shites.

As luck would have it, this morn I found I too awoke with crusty eyes and eyelashes glued to the pillow.

Ella was sweet, she looked at me and said "Oh Mama your eyes are hurt.......... NOW WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST!!!!"

I was bitten by my own poor parenting skills this morning.

Yesterday I told Ella I was sick of all the whingeing she was doing.

Today............................................

Me: What would you like on your toast today Ella?
E: Oh Honey thanks Mama
Me: OK then Honey it is, are your sure?
E: Yep
I then make and give her Honey on Toast
E: ARGHHHHHH I WANTED JAM!!!!!!!
Me: You got what you asked for and you will not waste it, there is no more!
E: I AM SICK OF YOU MAMA!

Then later,
Me: Honey why did you eat all of Poppy's morning tea?
E: She was going to waste it Mama!

I think I should just leave the pantry open and go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

The Gals updated

Oh dear it has been awhile.

Here is the drive in version of the month just gone.

Fashion TV is back, I am a happy girl!
Working on the back of the Ambo in a uniform now.........in fact the worse one known to man and it is no exageration to says overalls would be more flattering.
Doing courses willy nilly.
CH turned 37 and we went out for a fabulous meal, sadly not alone as the choice was eat out alone cheaply or get CH's boss to pay for stupidly exspensive meal, we chose the latter.
Learned to love fejoa's
Made a dress for Ella!
Ranted and raved alot about our media, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Baked huge amounts of goodies.
Spent a week in Wellington with the girls cousins, Aunts,uncles,nans, trains, planes, buses, zoo, mall, goats, Jim the dog, arse the cat and off spring eating fish!
I put my neck out!
Mothers day, Ella chose, I got a soap and a flannel! guess I am cutting the clean freaks pocket money, but CH got me a necklace and it was my wish for him to bake sticky date pud and he did and it was amazing! The best present.
The girls have BUNG eyes and look like pus ridden prize fighters.
Put on 3kgs! ohh I am rapt as she stuffs yet another choc in!
Got obsessed about a fizzy sherbert lolly I found in a easter egg, tracked down supplier and before you know it 2kgs arrive on my door step.
Waited for the budget 2008 lolly scramble and yes pretty happy and still strongly disliking John Keys.
Had a night out with Jase and his work, hated it! Yawn
Ohhhh bought half a cow and we have the mother load of delicious beef, no more manky plastic tasting chicken for this gal!

I think I now know where those three kgs came from.

Is there anyone else out there struggling to feed the family without going in to debt?

OK so we do not exactly have a cow shitting money in our back yard but for a one income family I consider our wage should be good enough to eat well and have takeaways once a week and perhaps do something with the family in the weekend. We are finding it really hard.

I would understand it I had something new in my wardrobe every week or CH lagered up every weekend, but in reality I am lucky to get a new out fit twice a year.

Sure, if we ate only sausages and frozen mixed vege and fizz instead of milk we could indeed be living the life of Riley. You may as well garotte me now. I love whole foods, fresh vege and good meat, quality dairy products and fantastic bread. This week I bought the cheapest whitest bread money could buy and it is just disgusting.

What can I do?

I love what I heard today about a petition dropping the GST on food shopping, this is a fantastic idea as I had no idea NZ is one of only a few countries who tax food the same amount as everything else. If you see this sign it and see what you can do.

Also here is a great tip if you have two vegie bins,

Keep one for last weeks fruit and vege and one for the lates shopping so to ensure there is no wastage and to eat you lush fruit and vegies in their prime. It works!

New Zealand Reporters are not fit to work for Englands 'The Sun'

How many times do I have to put myself on a media ban! You arsewipe, gutter sledging incompetent journo's have once again forced me to rip the plug out of the TV and radio in fear of being infected with your bottom feeding sludge for brains drivel.

I am once again over your under reporting of world events and your voyeuristic pedantic peddling of disgusting imagery involving sexual abuse and murder. I have no need to know the details that seem to be plasted over the digital frequency. Horrid details that serve no purpose other than to disrespect the victims memory, cause pain to the family and to desensitise the act through repetition.

I am not buying another NZ newspaper or listening to another NZ news on the television, I am indeed investing all my money on a friggin Woman's Day because it is a far better read and I hate magazines! Time, Empire and Q excluded. All I can say as Praise the lord for Jim Moira and honest to goodness old fashioned values. My lord I sound so old and warty.

Things I have learnt this week

Nappy lining is almost the worst thing to clean up.

Yes tis true, who knew, but really why would you need to? My youngest was a little bored this week and trying in vain to occupy herself when she decided to unstuff her Nappy. How?
Well first you piss more than the average elephant in a nappy then rip a hole in the front of said nappy then reach in and grab the swollen now urine flavoured gel and proceed to rub it into as many sufaces as possible, including all through her sisters bed and showering all her soft toys. This gel like substance looked like hundreds of jellyfish had exploded.



Always check you have wipes and always choose a pushchair.

Poppy was being gorgeous so I was feeling the love and in the mood for cuddles. Foolishly, I choose to carry her to the park and because of that I decided that it was not far and I would leave my cumbersome bag in the car. Off we went through town, looking at the shops, has a lovely play and as we left the park her arse exploded. Shit from here to friggin Africa. Brown bum sludge dripping, all over my arms, down my clothes and as luck would have it I had to walk through town back to the car, stinking and noticeably covered in shite. Ella of course had perfect timing as she dropped a tanty bomb...........................................................



When you are an empathy sponge, do not watch a doco on friends sister's murdered baby!

CH told me not to watch it but still I asked him to tape it for me as I was training that night. It took me until Thurs to get up the strength to watch it. I had just worked the whole nightshift on the previous night so I was knackered and I thought I would watch it quickly and then bugger off for a kip. Hell it was only 20mins long and for the entire programme I just streamed tears and continued to sob for the next two hours so much so I had to go and see my babies while they slept, even typing now I am starting to get a bit weepy. Chick personified.



Thai Thai brand Frozen meal (Green curry with prawns) is fantastic!

Ok yes it is true I do live in a place where the Thai food is really not good, so it could be said that my standards have lowered due to necessity but I assure you my tastebuds have not taken leave and that the above meal was lovely. I cannot remember praising pre packaged meals before so it comes as a shock even to me. The rice could have come straight from a rice cooker, prawns were succulent and sweet, two types of authentic thai eggplant, fabulous flavour.

I am simply amazed.

Nigel Latter

What a funny fecker he is!

Should you get the opportunity to go to one of his R rated "Unpolitically correct parenting show"
then do not dilly dally. This show was piss your pants funny and given the length of the show and how many Mum's there, it is a wonder it was not a wash out.

Tonight Ella at the supermarket said to me "My goodness that lady has beautiful big boobies"

CH has much to answer for

Gotta go, Kill Bill 1 is on and god I love it