Menija Ninja

I do not even know if I can find the words to begin.



If you try to imagine you top ten nightmares, I would have a guess at mine being the loss of a child and would have to say that nearly losing a child would come a close second.



If you just quickly scroll through my sleep deprived drivel and only one thing sticks in your mind other than my crappy writing, this is it and I am going to write it in capitals because not only is it important but I am shouting at you "BELIEVE MOTHER'S INTUITION!"



Any of you with insight in my life will know that one of the things I cherish in this busy time is my saturday read/sleeptime and I am a bit precious about it. I normally shut the door as the handles are too high for chubby little fingers but today I forgot and in bowled Poppy and she said she wanted a cuddle. Sigh.......she came in told me she loved me and fell fast asleep. It was then I should have thought something was up as she cancelled her afternoon sleep a year ago.



An hour later we got up and she had a temperature, nothing crazy just warm to the touch. I gave her some Pamol and she went to sleep on the couch. I checked her an hour later and her temp had gone up so I decided to give her some Ibprofen. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ear. Highly plausible, she does suffer from ear infections and had a cold last week, I made sure she had some fluids gave her a warm sponge bath to make her more comfortable, put her in her PJ's covered her in a sheet, gave her some more Pamol as it had been four hours since her last and put her to bed.



I checked on her an hour later and I fully expected that with the medication her temp to have come down. It was still going up and she was breathing fast with an increased heart rate. I knew that this was a likely due to infection but is was the breathing that worried me. I could not give her anything else and could not sleep and had to get up every half an hour to check, she wasin a deep unrousable sleep. At 3.30am I knew she could have more pamol, I went in and took a temp, no change but before she had been hot and dry now she was sweating so I thought yay this was the body's way off cooling the system so I turned the light on and decided to change her wet pjs to wake her up so I could get more fluids in. She was really lucid, the best she had been all night and I thought the fever was breaking.



It was then I saw them.



Two faint uneven spots, one one her tummy and one just under her right boobie. Ahh no panic, just a spot so I pushed one to see if the colour altered. It did not. I called for CH to come in the bedroom, he did not as the bugger was sleeping through it all. I put my shoulders back told myself to stop being a drama queen but gave in and ran to the kitchen for a glass cursing CH sleeping ability. By the time I got back glass in hand he was scratching his balls in the doorway squinting his eyes and highly attractive. I pressed the glass to the surface of the first spot and it did not change. I told Jason to get dressed and get in the car and take her to ED.

He went in a little worried but nothing major as it often seems that sick kids are the children of urban legends and we never seem to be affected.



I could not sleep and watched a great re-run of Frasier. I was tense and kept texing. He called asking if she had been fully immunised and she had so phew problem over. Fifteen minutes later she was covered in spots. It was half an hour later he called crying as they were losing her.



My skin went cold and I could feel all the bood just draining from it. I went to wake Ella my voice was strong and commanding and instead of taking hours to wake up it was instant, I packed who knows what and headed in. I could feel my appearence was fine but on the insides had turned to liquid and I could easily just drown. I walked in and she was in the resus room never a good start. I took one look at the monitor and knew my child was covered in cords and was about to leave me. I looked around this overly bright room to see my husband crying and thankfully one of the nurses was a friend who just clung on to me. The next few hours is just a blur as they just tried time and time again again to fight a body desperately trying to shut itself down. They finally drilled twice straight into the bone to keep her stable until the Starship rescue team got to her. By now she could not breathe by herself. I called my dear friend in England her mother is a minister, I beg her to pray for us.



9.15am the air lift team arrived and battled to get a femoral line in. Blood everywhere.



10.15 I asked the rescue team how she was going. A doctor looked me in the eye and said "she was critical and may not survive. I felt like someone had just ripped my clothes off, gouged out my heart and I was naked for all to see.



In an Ambulance we rode, charging to the big red plane. It could have been an alien space ship for I was not really there. I had suddenly become see through and did not want to put anyone out. Big plump wet tears just ran constantly from my unmoving face. I worried about the cleaners on the plane and wetting the carpet.



12:00 We had arrived at Starship Hospital and all I could do on the way was talk to the Ambo driver about some new education level in St John.



Everyone knows and I am constantly getting texts. They are my lifeline, they are keeping me focused. Must update everyone, I do not want people to worry unduly.



This was Sunday. A day of rest then they paralyse her with drugs. I get a message that family is coming up, I get grumpy as I know they do not have the money for such silly things. Her Aunt and Nana arrive to support us, and they walk in and almost buckle at knees and cry. I am there, but cannot feel accept I feel guilt they are sad. I must be strong.



Texts and prayers flood in, I feel their warmth. They are my sanity.



More family arrive, I worry about feeding them. CH and Ella arrive. Ella is full of fun and laughter and thinks this is the best holiday ever. I am resentful.



Monday - She cannot breathe by herself, her blood pressure is terrible and her heart is beating too fast to be sustained and one of her legs is cold and the spots are getting worse. They now stop paralysis drugs. She should awake. Loads of morphine and ketamine. Her doctor from Whakatane calls to be told things are not good.



Texts still constant, I am vigilant to update and get upset when I find out some people have not received texts. I worry they might not feel important enough and receive info second hand.



Tuesday - No change accept her right lung has now collapsed. She awakes intermittedly only to scream in pain. I wash her mouth out to keep away infection and keep cream and gel on her lips and eyes to keep them moist.



We all take turns in sitting with her. I feel terrible as it should be up to me to bear the burden.



Wednesday - No change accept her left lung is now is flooded with fluid and her good leg now burns with infection. They spots are getting darker, and sinking in the middle, I keep them moisturised. I still worry about money and insist on paying for flights home. I take a pill so I can sleep.



This whole time I have been there overseeing the injecting, the bagging every hour to keep her breathing long enough to suction the fluid from her lungs so she does not drown. I am still not there. I am a student learning increasing my knowlege base.



Thursday AM - She awakes, recognises me and tries to reach for me and says Mama I want to go home. I am still numb.



Thursday 4pm - I am not there but Nana is and her doctor from Whakatane arrives and stands at the doorway for long enough to make Nana feel uncomfortable. Finally introduces himself and states he has never worked harder to save a life than he did on her.

Nana relays the message.

I finally break and feel like my world has been ripped apart rather than being on top of it.


Thursday 6pm - she is too weak to sip from a sipper cup. She states " I have no clothes on!"

Thursday 8pm - She falls asleep with her hands around the purple ribbon of an inflated balloon and I start writing this

Thursday 10pm - I chew a Creme Caramel butterscotch lolly, watch her sleep, I break off a sliver and place it in her mouth and she smiles. I smile and now finally breathe.

This is a very quickly written down and one sided tale of events and in the future I will wow you with stories of human compassion, skill and kindness like you wont believe but for now this is all I have and I must sleep for it will be a long night watching over my little one but should I fall asleep I am comforted by the fact I am not the only one who watches over her.