I still worry. Poppy temperature is still a little higher than normal. Is she OK?
Lorazepam, thats what I need.
To look at her she is just the same, covered in a fading spots but still the same. She has a couple of nasty patches left and one is the shape of a heart on her thigh. I think that speaks volumes.
Her voice is different, softly spoken and very cute. Her laugh has changed, no longer deep and throaty but reminiscent of when a baby laughs with that huge indraw. Yesterday to be honest I was a bit worried about her mental state as on the way home she was just giggling hysterically and do you want to know why? It was her hands, she was just holding them up in the light and cracking herself up. I even asked what was so funny and she said her hands. Simple things I guess. Is she OK?
Yep, I really need some Lorazepam. I may even find how to spell it.
I am still in awe of human spirit. We have notes in our mailbox from people we do not know who just want to help. We have people turning up with meals and still endless calls from people.
I am now faced with a problem. This has been hard but I am not sure what has been harder, a sick child or letting yourself be helped and accepting it willingly. How can I possibly thank them all in a manner that suits the deed? Any token short of life changing feels fraudulent. I could not possibly give enough. I know, I know...............I have been counselled by my nearest and dearest and it appears to be my problem and this is supposed to be some sort of Kharma pay back for me, but I still feel like a bludger. May as well just go into a room and whip myself some more.
I just feel I have so much to do but yet just want it to be over and return to life normality. I am going to try real hard next week and do everything I feel needs to be done then I am going to put this all behind me and perhaps ignore it all for month or two. Ahh blissful ignorance, I miss blissful ignorance. I might practice that for dinner with an upsized three piece from Kentucky.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Not so spotty Poppy
Well we made it, finally home with our miracle child.
It was a really wet and dismal day for a homecoming but things were crystal clear.
Angels watch over us and if we are lucky some walk amongst us.
We arrived home to lawns that were mowed, a house that was clean, washing done and a fridge cleaned out, fresh eggs, butter, bread and milk in the fridge and a bunch of flowers on the table. All of these done by different people, different circles but with one small thing in common, Us!
I have been so humbled by not only my close friends but our community and perfect strangers that have taken us in their hearts and done what they can.
I am still processing the enormity of it all and am still a little numb. It is the little things that get you. Like walking into Poppy’s room and remembering the last time I did that when my daughter was fighting for her life and remembering my thoughts on funeral arrangements and complete madness really. I wish I could erase them. I saw the thermometer in the lounge where I left it, my reaction is to rid the house of all things that bring that gut retching time back, but cannot.
This is the third time we have nearly lost our daughter and frankly that is quite enough. However I am such a pagan and have difficulty saying such a thing as if to invite it into my life again. For the record although I have had enough of the life and death thing, I am still prepared to go thorough it countless times if it means we get to have her in our life and I get to kiss her grandchildren. Crap, touch wood. Man that was real hard for me as over the last couple of weeks I have said the term “touch wood” and be buggered if wood is easy to find in a hospital and I was a little OCD about it. Planning to now get a wooden key ring. Feck I am nuts….hey I always have nuts, are they wood?
It was a really wet and dismal day for a homecoming but things were crystal clear.
Angels watch over us and if we are lucky some walk amongst us.
We arrived home to lawns that were mowed, a house that was clean, washing done and a fridge cleaned out, fresh eggs, butter, bread and milk in the fridge and a bunch of flowers on the table. All of these done by different people, different circles but with one small thing in common, Us!
I have been so humbled by not only my close friends but our community and perfect strangers that have taken us in their hearts and done what they can.
I am still processing the enormity of it all and am still a little numb. It is the little things that get you. Like walking into Poppy’s room and remembering the last time I did that when my daughter was fighting for her life and remembering my thoughts on funeral arrangements and complete madness really. I wish I could erase them. I saw the thermometer in the lounge where I left it, my reaction is to rid the house of all things that bring that gut retching time back, but cannot.
This is the third time we have nearly lost our daughter and frankly that is quite enough. However I am such a pagan and have difficulty saying such a thing as if to invite it into my life again. For the record although I have had enough of the life and death thing, I am still prepared to go thorough it countless times if it means we get to have her in our life and I get to kiss her grandchildren. Crap, touch wood. Man that was real hard for me as over the last couple of weeks I have said the term “touch wood” and be buggered if wood is easy to find in a hospital and I was a little OCD about it. Planning to now get a wooden key ring. Feck I am nuts….hey I always have nuts, are they wood?
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Menija Ninja
I do not even know if I can find the words to begin.
If you try to imagine you top ten nightmares, I would have a guess at mine being the loss of a child and would have to say that nearly losing a child would come a close second.
If you just quickly scroll through my sleep deprived drivel and only one thing sticks in your mind other than my crappy writing, this is it and I am going to write it in capitals because not only is it important but I am shouting at you "BELIEVE MOTHER'S INTUITION!"
Any of you with insight in my life will know that one of the things I cherish in this busy time is my saturday read/sleeptime and I am a bit precious about it. I normally shut the door as the handles are too high for chubby little fingers but today I forgot and in bowled Poppy and she said she wanted a cuddle. Sigh.......she came in told me she loved me and fell fast asleep. It was then I should have thought something was up as she cancelled her afternoon sleep a year ago.
An hour later we got up and she had a temperature, nothing crazy just warm to the touch. I gave her some Pamol and she went to sleep on the couch. I checked her an hour later and her temp had gone up so I decided to give her some Ibprofen. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ear. Highly plausible, she does suffer from ear infections and had a cold last week, I made sure she had some fluids gave her a warm sponge bath to make her more comfortable, put her in her PJ's covered her in a sheet, gave her some more Pamol as it had been four hours since her last and put her to bed.
I checked on her an hour later and I fully expected that with the medication her temp to have come down. It was still going up and she was breathing fast with an increased heart rate. I knew that this was a likely due to infection but is was the breathing that worried me. I could not give her anything else and could not sleep and had to get up every half an hour to check, she wasin a deep unrousable sleep. At 3.30am I knew she could have more pamol, I went in and took a temp, no change but before she had been hot and dry now she was sweating so I thought yay this was the body's way off cooling the system so I turned the light on and decided to change her wet pjs to wake her up so I could get more fluids in. She was really lucid, the best she had been all night and I thought the fever was breaking.
It was then I saw them.
Two faint uneven spots, one one her tummy and one just under her right boobie. Ahh no panic, just a spot so I pushed one to see if the colour altered. It did not. I called for CH to come in the bedroom, he did not as the bugger was sleeping through it all. I put my shoulders back told myself to stop being a drama queen but gave in and ran to the kitchen for a glass cursing CH sleeping ability. By the time I got back glass in hand he was scratching his balls in the doorway squinting his eyes and highly attractive. I pressed the glass to the surface of the first spot and it did not change. I told Jason to get dressed and get in the car and take her to ED.
He went in a little worried but nothing major as it often seems that sick kids are the children of urban legends and we never seem to be affected.
I could not sleep and watched a great re-run of Frasier. I was tense and kept texing. He called asking if she had been fully immunised and she had so phew problem over. Fifteen minutes later she was covered in spots. It was half an hour later he called crying as they were losing her.
My skin went cold and I could feel all the bood just draining from it. I went to wake Ella my voice was strong and commanding and instead of taking hours to wake up it was instant, I packed who knows what and headed in. I could feel my appearence was fine but on the insides had turned to liquid and I could easily just drown. I walked in and she was in the resus room never a good start. I took one look at the monitor and knew my child was covered in cords and was about to leave me. I looked around this overly bright room to see my husband crying and thankfully one of the nurses was a friend who just clung on to me. The next few hours is just a blur as they just tried time and time again again to fight a body desperately trying to shut itself down. They finally drilled twice straight into the bone to keep her stable until the Starship rescue team got to her. By now she could not breathe by herself. I called my dear friend in England her mother is a minister, I beg her to pray for us.
9.15am the air lift team arrived and battled to get a femoral line in. Blood everywhere.
10.15 I asked the rescue team how she was going. A doctor looked me in the eye and said "she was critical and may not survive. I felt like someone had just ripped my clothes off, gouged out my heart and I was naked for all to see.
In an Ambulance we rode, charging to the big red plane. It could have been an alien space ship for I was not really there. I had suddenly become see through and did not want to put anyone out. Big plump wet tears just ran constantly from my unmoving face. I worried about the cleaners on the plane and wetting the carpet.
12:00 We had arrived at Starship Hospital and all I could do on the way was talk to the Ambo driver about some new education level in St John.
Everyone knows and I am constantly getting texts. They are my lifeline, they are keeping me focused. Must update everyone, I do not want people to worry unduly.
This was Sunday. A day of rest then they paralyse her with drugs. I get a message that family is coming up, I get grumpy as I know they do not have the money for such silly things. Her Aunt and Nana arrive to support us, and they walk in and almost buckle at knees and cry. I am there, but cannot feel accept I feel guilt they are sad. I must be strong.
Texts and prayers flood in, I feel their warmth. They are my sanity.
More family arrive, I worry about feeding them. CH and Ella arrive. Ella is full of fun and laughter and thinks this is the best holiday ever. I am resentful.
Monday - She cannot breathe by herself, her blood pressure is terrible and her heart is beating too fast to be sustained and one of her legs is cold and the spots are getting worse. They now stop paralysis drugs. She should awake. Loads of morphine and ketamine. Her doctor from Whakatane calls to be told things are not good.
Texts still constant, I am vigilant to update and get upset when I find out some people have not received texts. I worry they might not feel important enough and receive info second hand.
Tuesday - No change accept her right lung has now collapsed. She awakes intermittedly only to scream in pain. I wash her mouth out to keep away infection and keep cream and gel on her lips and eyes to keep them moist.
We all take turns in sitting with her. I feel terrible as it should be up to me to bear the burden.
Wednesday - No change accept her left lung is now is flooded with fluid and her good leg now burns with infection. They spots are getting darker, and sinking in the middle, I keep them moisturised. I still worry about money and insist on paying for flights home. I take a pill so I can sleep.
This whole time I have been there overseeing the injecting, the bagging every hour to keep her breathing long enough to suction the fluid from her lungs so she does not drown. I am still not there. I am a student learning increasing my knowlege base.
Thursday AM - She awakes, recognises me and tries to reach for me and says Mama I want to go home. I am still numb.
Thursday 4pm - I am not there but Nana is and her doctor from Whakatane arrives and stands at the doorway for long enough to make Nana feel uncomfortable. Finally introduces himself and states he has never worked harder to save a life than he did on her.
Nana relays the message.
I finally break and feel like my world has been ripped apart rather than being on top of it.
Thursday 6pm - she is too weak to sip from a sipper cup. She states " I have no clothes on!"
Thursday 8pm - She falls asleep with her hands around the purple ribbon of an inflated balloon and I start writing this
Thursday 10pm - I chew a Creme Caramel butterscotch lolly, watch her sleep, I break off a sliver and place it in her mouth and she smiles. I smile and now finally breathe.
This is a very quickly written down and one sided tale of events and in the future I will wow you with stories of human compassion, skill and kindness like you wont believe but for now this is all I have and I must sleep for it will be a long night watching over my little one but should I fall asleep I am comforted by the fact I am not the only one who watches over her.
If you try to imagine you top ten nightmares, I would have a guess at mine being the loss of a child and would have to say that nearly losing a child would come a close second.
If you just quickly scroll through my sleep deprived drivel and only one thing sticks in your mind other than my crappy writing, this is it and I am going to write it in capitals because not only is it important but I am shouting at you "BELIEVE MOTHER'S INTUITION!"
Any of you with insight in my life will know that one of the things I cherish in this busy time is my saturday read/sleeptime and I am a bit precious about it. I normally shut the door as the handles are too high for chubby little fingers but today I forgot and in bowled Poppy and she said she wanted a cuddle. Sigh.......she came in told me she loved me and fell fast asleep. It was then I should have thought something was up as she cancelled her afternoon sleep a year ago.
An hour later we got up and she had a temperature, nothing crazy just warm to the touch. I gave her some Pamol and she went to sleep on the couch. I checked her an hour later and her temp had gone up so I decided to give her some Ibprofen. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ear. Highly plausible, she does suffer from ear infections and had a cold last week, I made sure she had some fluids gave her a warm sponge bath to make her more comfortable, put her in her PJ's covered her in a sheet, gave her some more Pamol as it had been four hours since her last and put her to bed.
I checked on her an hour later and I fully expected that with the medication her temp to have come down. It was still going up and she was breathing fast with an increased heart rate. I knew that this was a likely due to infection but is was the breathing that worried me. I could not give her anything else and could not sleep and had to get up every half an hour to check, she wasin a deep unrousable sleep. At 3.30am I knew she could have more pamol, I went in and took a temp, no change but before she had been hot and dry now she was sweating so I thought yay this was the body's way off cooling the system so I turned the light on and decided to change her wet pjs to wake her up so I could get more fluids in. She was really lucid, the best she had been all night and I thought the fever was breaking.
It was then I saw them.
Two faint uneven spots, one one her tummy and one just under her right boobie. Ahh no panic, just a spot so I pushed one to see if the colour altered. It did not. I called for CH to come in the bedroom, he did not as the bugger was sleeping through it all. I put my shoulders back told myself to stop being a drama queen but gave in and ran to the kitchen for a glass cursing CH sleeping ability. By the time I got back glass in hand he was scratching his balls in the doorway squinting his eyes and highly attractive. I pressed the glass to the surface of the first spot and it did not change. I told Jason to get dressed and get in the car and take her to ED.
He went in a little worried but nothing major as it often seems that sick kids are the children of urban legends and we never seem to be affected.
I could not sleep and watched a great re-run of Frasier. I was tense and kept texing. He called asking if she had been fully immunised and she had so phew problem over. Fifteen minutes later she was covered in spots. It was half an hour later he called crying as they were losing her.
My skin went cold and I could feel all the bood just draining from it. I went to wake Ella my voice was strong and commanding and instead of taking hours to wake up it was instant, I packed who knows what and headed in. I could feel my appearence was fine but on the insides had turned to liquid and I could easily just drown. I walked in and she was in the resus room never a good start. I took one look at the monitor and knew my child was covered in cords and was about to leave me. I looked around this overly bright room to see my husband crying and thankfully one of the nurses was a friend who just clung on to me. The next few hours is just a blur as they just tried time and time again again to fight a body desperately trying to shut itself down. They finally drilled twice straight into the bone to keep her stable until the Starship rescue team got to her. By now she could not breathe by herself. I called my dear friend in England her mother is a minister, I beg her to pray for us.
9.15am the air lift team arrived and battled to get a femoral line in. Blood everywhere.
10.15 I asked the rescue team how she was going. A doctor looked me in the eye and said "she was critical and may not survive. I felt like someone had just ripped my clothes off, gouged out my heart and I was naked for all to see.
In an Ambulance we rode, charging to the big red plane. It could have been an alien space ship for I was not really there. I had suddenly become see through and did not want to put anyone out. Big plump wet tears just ran constantly from my unmoving face. I worried about the cleaners on the plane and wetting the carpet.
12:00 We had arrived at Starship Hospital and all I could do on the way was talk to the Ambo driver about some new education level in St John.
Everyone knows and I am constantly getting texts. They are my lifeline, they are keeping me focused. Must update everyone, I do not want people to worry unduly.
This was Sunday. A day of rest then they paralyse her with drugs. I get a message that family is coming up, I get grumpy as I know they do not have the money for such silly things. Her Aunt and Nana arrive to support us, and they walk in and almost buckle at knees and cry. I am there, but cannot feel accept I feel guilt they are sad. I must be strong.
Texts and prayers flood in, I feel their warmth. They are my sanity.
More family arrive, I worry about feeding them. CH and Ella arrive. Ella is full of fun and laughter and thinks this is the best holiday ever. I am resentful.
Monday - She cannot breathe by herself, her blood pressure is terrible and her heart is beating too fast to be sustained and one of her legs is cold and the spots are getting worse. They now stop paralysis drugs. She should awake. Loads of morphine and ketamine. Her doctor from Whakatane calls to be told things are not good.
Texts still constant, I am vigilant to update and get upset when I find out some people have not received texts. I worry they might not feel important enough and receive info second hand.
Tuesday - No change accept her right lung has now collapsed. She awakes intermittedly only to scream in pain. I wash her mouth out to keep away infection and keep cream and gel on her lips and eyes to keep them moist.
We all take turns in sitting with her. I feel terrible as it should be up to me to bear the burden.
Wednesday - No change accept her left lung is now is flooded with fluid and her good leg now burns with infection. They spots are getting darker, and sinking in the middle, I keep them moisturised. I still worry about money and insist on paying for flights home. I take a pill so I can sleep.
This whole time I have been there overseeing the injecting, the bagging every hour to keep her breathing long enough to suction the fluid from her lungs so she does not drown. I am still not there. I am a student learning increasing my knowlege base.
Thursday AM - She awakes, recognises me and tries to reach for me and says Mama I want to go home. I am still numb.
Thursday 4pm - I am not there but Nana is and her doctor from Whakatane arrives and stands at the doorway for long enough to make Nana feel uncomfortable. Finally introduces himself and states he has never worked harder to save a life than he did on her.
Nana relays the message.
I finally break and feel like my world has been ripped apart rather than being on top of it.
Thursday 6pm - she is too weak to sip from a sipper cup. She states " I have no clothes on!"
Thursday 8pm - She falls asleep with her hands around the purple ribbon of an inflated balloon and I start writing this
Thursday 10pm - I chew a Creme Caramel butterscotch lolly, watch her sleep, I break off a sliver and place it in her mouth and she smiles. I smile and now finally breathe.
This is a very quickly written down and one sided tale of events and in the future I will wow you with stories of human compassion, skill and kindness like you wont believe but for now this is all I have and I must sleep for it will be a long night watching over my little one but should I fall asleep I am comforted by the fact I am not the only one who watches over her.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Hey a packet of Mint slice for lunch, mint is a healty herb right?
Oh I have been a bad bad girl.
I have been really "good" for the last seven weeks and eaten well and even stuck to my apparent allergy to the humble potato. I have even had a gastro virus. You would think I would be nearing a goal weight, right?
WRONG, there is a fecking loop hole in the system and it is like I am in opposite world. I have put more weight around my middle in the last few weeks than almost first five months of preganacy. Seriously I am almost convinced myself an immaculate conception has happened or I am dying from a tumor the size of a small child! I kid you not I am freaking myself out as I have the feeling of baby movement, but know it cannot be. I am driving myself nuts and last Thursday I gave up all hope and bought a trolley load of treats to scoff, chocolate, sweets, biccies, really good bread and cheeses. I have had fast food twice this week and fatty meaty treats for the rest of it and my weight has not changed. I also did the worst thing as I am almost convinced I am suffering from some sort cancer as I dont feel right and I went and had a blood screening done and the chap asked "Have you got a cold? a sore throat? Headache? Had the flu?" I of course said no. He said. "odd your white blood cell count is really up and your immunity is kicking in" Lets just say it has done little for the anxiety levels. Feck it off to the health shop to spend yet more of my childrens university fund on some quack remedy. The blood chap said try a really good antioxidant so I shall add it to all the other crap I am taking.
My poor health is definately helping out the local economy, just doing my bit!
Actually must pee on a stick just to set my mind at ease. Wow,I could be the new Virgin Mary! but I look shite in blue.
I have been really "good" for the last seven weeks and eaten well and even stuck to my apparent allergy to the humble potato. I have even had a gastro virus. You would think I would be nearing a goal weight, right?
WRONG, there is a fecking loop hole in the system and it is like I am in opposite world. I have put more weight around my middle in the last few weeks than almost first five months of preganacy. Seriously I am almost convinced myself an immaculate conception has happened or I am dying from a tumor the size of a small child! I kid you not I am freaking myself out as I have the feeling of baby movement, but know it cannot be. I am driving myself nuts and last Thursday I gave up all hope and bought a trolley load of treats to scoff, chocolate, sweets, biccies, really good bread and cheeses. I have had fast food twice this week and fatty meaty treats for the rest of it and my weight has not changed. I also did the worst thing as I am almost convinced I am suffering from some sort cancer as I dont feel right and I went and had a blood screening done and the chap asked "Have you got a cold? a sore throat? Headache? Had the flu?" I of course said no. He said. "odd your white blood cell count is really up and your immunity is kicking in" Lets just say it has done little for the anxiety levels. Feck it off to the health shop to spend yet more of my childrens university fund on some quack remedy. The blood chap said try a really good antioxidant so I shall add it to all the other crap I am taking.
My poor health is definately helping out the local economy, just doing my bit!
Actually must pee on a stick just to set my mind at ease. Wow,I could be the new Virgin Mary! but I look shite in blue.
Need a new challenge?
Desperately seeking, Janey.
I am blessed with the most exquisite collection of friends. Each stunning in different ways yet all brought together by our love and devotion to our children. We organise trips, get creative, talk about child development, let our kids play and support each other for any little obstacles we come upon.
There is those times however when as much as we love our blessed children we do not actually like them and spending the day with them is akin to picking your nose with a cheese grater. At the end of that day when all is not giggles and sweet smelling babies. Sometimes a glimpse of naughty youth flashes in and I crave to go around the back of the shed for a sneaky cigarette or a shot of tequila….hold the lemon and salt.
It is these times we call upon the ‘realistic’ mothers who remember ghost of youth’s past and are more than willing to have drink with it and pull an emergency packet of cigs out of their normally non smoking nappy bag and go hide where the children can’t see. I no longer have a naughty friend who is willing to lead me astray. They both buggered off to England. Spiteful cows.
I am seeking submissions for a new Janey or Delwyn.
Position Description.
This is a demanding role and the meek and mild need not apply. The ideal applicant will be clever and able to defend from and onslaught of sarcastic remarks and send them back as the need dictates. Realistic, blatantly honest but open to delusion as the need arises. Strong negotiation skills, with the ability to talk people down from great heights. Educated in both palate and mind, with an almost psychic ability when a chat and a glass of gin is needed. Knowledge of herbal and pharmaceutical drugs and own prescription pad would be beneficial. The ability to laughs at ones foibles and smile knowingly when we come across those qualities in another and then counsel as appropriate. Most importantly, possess a willingness to be either the strength or the crutch as needed with the ability to be led and lead astray should the opportunity present it self.
Righto, move your arse and make an application.
I am blessed with the most exquisite collection of friends. Each stunning in different ways yet all brought together by our love and devotion to our children. We organise trips, get creative, talk about child development, let our kids play and support each other for any little obstacles we come upon.
There is those times however when as much as we love our blessed children we do not actually like them and spending the day with them is akin to picking your nose with a cheese grater. At the end of that day when all is not giggles and sweet smelling babies. Sometimes a glimpse of naughty youth flashes in and I crave to go around the back of the shed for a sneaky cigarette or a shot of tequila….hold the lemon and salt.
It is these times we call upon the ‘realistic’ mothers who remember ghost of youth’s past and are more than willing to have drink with it and pull an emergency packet of cigs out of their normally non smoking nappy bag and go hide where the children can’t see. I no longer have a naughty friend who is willing to lead me astray. They both buggered off to England. Spiteful cows.
I am seeking submissions for a new Janey or Delwyn.
Position Description.
This is a demanding role and the meek and mild need not apply. The ideal applicant will be clever and able to defend from and onslaught of sarcastic remarks and send them back as the need dictates. Realistic, blatantly honest but open to delusion as the need arises. Strong negotiation skills, with the ability to talk people down from great heights. Educated in both palate and mind, with an almost psychic ability when a chat and a glass of gin is needed. Knowledge of herbal and pharmaceutical drugs and own prescription pad would be beneficial. The ability to laughs at ones foibles and smile knowingly when we come across those qualities in another and then counsel as appropriate. Most importantly, possess a willingness to be either the strength or the crutch as needed with the ability to be led and lead astray should the opportunity present it self.
Righto, move your arse and make an application.
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