Happy Birthday Our Poppy

Christmas Cake day!

Tomorrow is the day, it may be one whole month late but ladies when tomorrow dawns my home shall be filled with the aroma of Christmas past and building a firm foundation of Christmas Future.

Yesterday Ella and I popped on the Christmas Classics, chopped the fruit, ate our full and left the rest swimming in Sherry. I just love going and stirring the mixture, fabulous scent wafts as soon as you lift the gladwrap.

Tonight, I started making the icing decorations and this year this is my interpretation of ye old Christmas tree. I am just gagging to put up our tree. I am almost on the cusp of going back to a real tree as I miss the earthy smell of pine that signals the arrival of Christmas. However I cannot stand the frivolous waste of resources so this year plastic will be my tree of choice.

Christmas is a GO

Right here is the progress on the Stockings, I am about half way through them and in this pic you cannot see the 20hours I have put into beading these arghhhhhhhhhhhh

Project Dolls House

Complete and ready for Christmas NEXT

On the first day of Christmas, My true love said to me "Drop the credit card love and step away from the Avon catelogue"

Yee haaa, It has finally happened. I am brimming with the Christmas Spirit and surprisingly it is not Bombay Sapphire!

Projects to complete list

Organise Christmas Work do
Help out catering for friends party.
Organise Poppy's Birthday
Handmake three Christmas Stockings, EMMMM far from done.
Make Fabulous Christmas cake for Next week EEEEEEKKKKKK
First Find a new Christmas Cake recipie as I am not happy with current one
Finish Making dolls House ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
It is finally built with three layers of varnish but now needed to decorate and make curtins
Plan Christmas day Menu on a tight buget
Complete Christmas gift shopping
Decorate the house and beat current record of over 900 lights in the lounge
Shopping trip to Rotorua and Tauranga
Send Christmas cards, I have lost address book, so find addresses.............................yawn
Build time machine to send me back to September.

We three kings........................yes....tis nearly the season

Normality?

It does not even sound like a real word. Perhaps it is not a real thing. Besides, I am fairly sure it would be a most boring alternative, full of yawns, Jeremy Kyle and Griffins Superwines, dependable biccies those ones!

Crap, I just yawned. Next stop, daytime telly.

Unfortunately, my life is not boring. It is full to bursting. I have got my fingers in so many pies, it is no wonder I am portly. Just when I think I can breathe the sweet smell of 'under control' I go and put my blasted hand up for yet more responsibility. Right at this very moment I should be painting a dolls house or sewing a Christmas Stocking but here I am filling this page with complete garbage. Hey, at least I am not the one reading it.

I should not really be blogging tonight, my mind is elsewhere but theoretically this could be my only chance for awhile and I know some of you will be wondering how we are doing.

We are great. Poppy is amazing, her spots and dots are fading, she is still a little tired but does not let it interfere with her Tanty throwing ability and her hair now seems to be starting to grow in her bald bits. A darker colour, but hair none the less.

Ella-raine is lovely. She has just learned to do a backwards flip on the rings and is so ready for school. I on the other hand am not. Although..........last night at dinner time I was ironing and getting ready for work(so I was already pissed off) and I told Miss Ella to eat her dinner. Well she turned to me with a straight face and said the following,

"Mama, I have two words for you, shut and up!"

Christ I did not see that coming! First shock and then a prompt telling off, I cannot remember if what I said was good as I had to leave the room before I peed myself while laughing.

I did query where on earth she has heard such a thing and she quickly replied Shrek the movie. I must check on that because if that was a lie, then it was a good one and grasshopper may become the master.

Righto, must dash as I have some tree hugging, sandal wearing 'positive visualisation' to do. I jest you not and may the protective white light of all things good guide me tonight, or perhaps it will just be choc, ciggarette and bed.

One three piece pack, extra seasoning and a side of Lorazepam

I still worry. Poppy temperature is still a little higher than normal. Is she OK?

Lorazepam, thats what I need.

To look at her she is just the same, covered in a fading spots but still the same. She has a couple of nasty patches left and one is the shape of a heart on her thigh. I think that speaks volumes.

Her voice is different, softly spoken and very cute. Her laugh has changed, no longer deep and throaty but reminiscent of when a baby laughs with that huge indraw. Yesterday to be honest I was a bit worried about her mental state as on the way home she was just giggling hysterically and do you want to know why? It was her hands, she was just holding them up in the light and cracking herself up. I even asked what was so funny and she said her hands. Simple things I guess. Is she OK?

Yep, I really need some Lorazepam. I may even find how to spell it.

I am still in awe of human spirit. We have notes in our mailbox from people we do not know who just want to help. We have people turning up with meals and still endless calls from people.

I am now faced with a problem. This has been hard but I am not sure what has been harder, a sick child or letting yourself be helped and accepting it willingly. How can I possibly thank them all in a manner that suits the deed? Any token short of life changing feels fraudulent. I could not possibly give enough. I know, I know...............I have been counselled by my nearest and dearest and it appears to be my problem and this is supposed to be some sort of Kharma pay back for me, but I still feel like a bludger. May as well just go into a room and whip myself some more.

I just feel I have so much to do but yet just want it to be over and return to life normality. I am going to try real hard next week and do everything I feel needs to be done then I am going to put this all behind me and perhaps ignore it all for month or two. Ahh blissful ignorance, I miss blissful ignorance. I might practice that for dinner with an upsized three piece from Kentucky.

Not so spotty Poppy

Well we made it, finally home with our miracle child.

It was a really wet and dismal day for a homecoming but things were crystal clear.

Angels watch over us and if we are lucky some walk amongst us.

We arrived home to lawns that were mowed, a house that was clean, washing done and a fridge cleaned out, fresh eggs, butter, bread and milk in the fridge and a bunch of flowers on the table. All of these done by different people, different circles but with one small thing in common, Us!

I have been so humbled by not only my close friends but our community and perfect strangers that have taken us in their hearts and done what they can.

I am still processing the enormity of it all and am still a little numb. It is the little things that get you. Like walking into Poppy’s room and remembering the last time I did that when my daughter was fighting for her life and remembering my thoughts on funeral arrangements and complete madness really. I wish I could erase them. I saw the thermometer in the lounge where I left it, my reaction is to rid the house of all things that bring that gut retching time back, but cannot.

This is the third time we have nearly lost our daughter and frankly that is quite enough. However I am such a pagan and have difficulty saying such a thing as if to invite it into my life again. For the record although I have had enough of the life and death thing, I am still prepared to go thorough it countless times if it means we get to have her in our life and I get to kiss her grandchildren. Crap, touch wood. Man that was real hard for me as over the last couple of weeks I have said the term “touch wood” and be buggered if wood is easy to find in a hospital and I was a little OCD about it. Planning to now get a wooden key ring. Feck I am nuts….hey I always have nuts, are they wood?

Menija Ninja

I do not even know if I can find the words to begin.



If you try to imagine you top ten nightmares, I would have a guess at mine being the loss of a child and would have to say that nearly losing a child would come a close second.



If you just quickly scroll through my sleep deprived drivel and only one thing sticks in your mind other than my crappy writing, this is it and I am going to write it in capitals because not only is it important but I am shouting at you "BELIEVE MOTHER'S INTUITION!"



Any of you with insight in my life will know that one of the things I cherish in this busy time is my saturday read/sleeptime and I am a bit precious about it. I normally shut the door as the handles are too high for chubby little fingers but today I forgot and in bowled Poppy and she said she wanted a cuddle. Sigh.......she came in told me she loved me and fell fast asleep. It was then I should have thought something was up as she cancelled her afternoon sleep a year ago.



An hour later we got up and she had a temperature, nothing crazy just warm to the touch. I gave her some Pamol and she went to sleep on the couch. I checked her an hour later and her temp had gone up so I decided to give her some Ibprofen. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ear. Highly plausible, she does suffer from ear infections and had a cold last week, I made sure she had some fluids gave her a warm sponge bath to make her more comfortable, put her in her PJ's covered her in a sheet, gave her some more Pamol as it had been four hours since her last and put her to bed.



I checked on her an hour later and I fully expected that with the medication her temp to have come down. It was still going up and she was breathing fast with an increased heart rate. I knew that this was a likely due to infection but is was the breathing that worried me. I could not give her anything else and could not sleep and had to get up every half an hour to check, she wasin a deep unrousable sleep. At 3.30am I knew she could have more pamol, I went in and took a temp, no change but before she had been hot and dry now she was sweating so I thought yay this was the body's way off cooling the system so I turned the light on and decided to change her wet pjs to wake her up so I could get more fluids in. She was really lucid, the best she had been all night and I thought the fever was breaking.



It was then I saw them.



Two faint uneven spots, one one her tummy and one just under her right boobie. Ahh no panic, just a spot so I pushed one to see if the colour altered. It did not. I called for CH to come in the bedroom, he did not as the bugger was sleeping through it all. I put my shoulders back told myself to stop being a drama queen but gave in and ran to the kitchen for a glass cursing CH sleeping ability. By the time I got back glass in hand he was scratching his balls in the doorway squinting his eyes and highly attractive. I pressed the glass to the surface of the first spot and it did not change. I told Jason to get dressed and get in the car and take her to ED.

He went in a little worried but nothing major as it often seems that sick kids are the children of urban legends and we never seem to be affected.



I could not sleep and watched a great re-run of Frasier. I was tense and kept texing. He called asking if she had been fully immunised and she had so phew problem over. Fifteen minutes later she was covered in spots. It was half an hour later he called crying as they were losing her.



My skin went cold and I could feel all the bood just draining from it. I went to wake Ella my voice was strong and commanding and instead of taking hours to wake up it was instant, I packed who knows what and headed in. I could feel my appearence was fine but on the insides had turned to liquid and I could easily just drown. I walked in and she was in the resus room never a good start. I took one look at the monitor and knew my child was covered in cords and was about to leave me. I looked around this overly bright room to see my husband crying and thankfully one of the nurses was a friend who just clung on to me. The next few hours is just a blur as they just tried time and time again again to fight a body desperately trying to shut itself down. They finally drilled twice straight into the bone to keep her stable until the Starship rescue team got to her. By now she could not breathe by herself. I called my dear friend in England her mother is a minister, I beg her to pray for us.



9.15am the air lift team arrived and battled to get a femoral line in. Blood everywhere.



10.15 I asked the rescue team how she was going. A doctor looked me in the eye and said "she was critical and may not survive. I felt like someone had just ripped my clothes off, gouged out my heart and I was naked for all to see.



In an Ambulance we rode, charging to the big red plane. It could have been an alien space ship for I was not really there. I had suddenly become see through and did not want to put anyone out. Big plump wet tears just ran constantly from my unmoving face. I worried about the cleaners on the plane and wetting the carpet.



12:00 We had arrived at Starship Hospital and all I could do on the way was talk to the Ambo driver about some new education level in St John.



Everyone knows and I am constantly getting texts. They are my lifeline, they are keeping me focused. Must update everyone, I do not want people to worry unduly.



This was Sunday. A day of rest then they paralyse her with drugs. I get a message that family is coming up, I get grumpy as I know they do not have the money for such silly things. Her Aunt and Nana arrive to support us, and they walk in and almost buckle at knees and cry. I am there, but cannot feel accept I feel guilt they are sad. I must be strong.



Texts and prayers flood in, I feel their warmth. They are my sanity.



More family arrive, I worry about feeding them. CH and Ella arrive. Ella is full of fun and laughter and thinks this is the best holiday ever. I am resentful.



Monday - She cannot breathe by herself, her blood pressure is terrible and her heart is beating too fast to be sustained and one of her legs is cold and the spots are getting worse. They now stop paralysis drugs. She should awake. Loads of morphine and ketamine. Her doctor from Whakatane calls to be told things are not good.



Texts still constant, I am vigilant to update and get upset when I find out some people have not received texts. I worry they might not feel important enough and receive info second hand.



Tuesday - No change accept her right lung has now collapsed. She awakes intermittedly only to scream in pain. I wash her mouth out to keep away infection and keep cream and gel on her lips and eyes to keep them moist.



We all take turns in sitting with her. I feel terrible as it should be up to me to bear the burden.



Wednesday - No change accept her left lung is now is flooded with fluid and her good leg now burns with infection. They spots are getting darker, and sinking in the middle, I keep them moisturised. I still worry about money and insist on paying for flights home. I take a pill so I can sleep.



This whole time I have been there overseeing the injecting, the bagging every hour to keep her breathing long enough to suction the fluid from her lungs so she does not drown. I am still not there. I am a student learning increasing my knowlege base.



Thursday AM - She awakes, recognises me and tries to reach for me and says Mama I want to go home. I am still numb.



Thursday 4pm - I am not there but Nana is and her doctor from Whakatane arrives and stands at the doorway for long enough to make Nana feel uncomfortable. Finally introduces himself and states he has never worked harder to save a life than he did on her.

Nana relays the message.

I finally break and feel like my world has been ripped apart rather than being on top of it.


Thursday 6pm - she is too weak to sip from a sipper cup. She states " I have no clothes on!"

Thursday 8pm - She falls asleep with her hands around the purple ribbon of an inflated balloon and I start writing this

Thursday 10pm - I chew a Creme Caramel butterscotch lolly, watch her sleep, I break off a sliver and place it in her mouth and she smiles. I smile and now finally breathe.

This is a very quickly written down and one sided tale of events and in the future I will wow you with stories of human compassion, skill and kindness like you wont believe but for now this is all I have and I must sleep for it will be a long night watching over my little one but should I fall asleep I am comforted by the fact I am not the only one who watches over her.

Hey a packet of Mint slice for lunch, mint is a healty herb right?

Oh I have been a bad bad girl.

I have been really "good" for the last seven weeks and eaten well and even stuck to my apparent allergy to the humble potato. I have even had a gastro virus. You would think I would be nearing a goal weight, right?

WRONG, there is a fecking loop hole in the system and it is like I am in opposite world. I have put more weight around my middle in the last few weeks than almost first five months of preganacy. Seriously I am almost convinced myself an immaculate conception has happened or I am dying from a tumor the size of a small child! I kid you not I am freaking myself out as I have the feeling of baby movement, but know it cannot be. I am driving myself nuts and last Thursday I gave up all hope and bought a trolley load of treats to scoff, chocolate, sweets, biccies, really good bread and cheeses. I have had fast food twice this week and fatty meaty treats for the rest of it and my weight has not changed. I also did the worst thing as I am almost convinced I am suffering from some sort cancer as I dont feel right and I went and had a blood screening done and the chap asked "Have you got a cold? a sore throat? Headache? Had the flu?" I of course said no. He said. "odd your white blood cell count is really up and your immunity is kicking in" Lets just say it has done little for the anxiety levels. Feck it off to the health shop to spend yet more of my childrens university fund on some quack remedy. The blood chap said try a really good antioxidant so I shall add it to all the other crap I am taking.

My poor health is definately helping out the local economy, just doing my bit!

Actually must pee on a stick just to set my mind at ease. Wow,I could be the new Virgin Mary! but I look shite in blue.

Need a new challenge?

Desperately seeking, Janey.

I am blessed with the most exquisite collection of friends. Each stunning in different ways yet all brought together by our love and devotion to our children. We organise trips, get creative, talk about child development, let our kids play and support each other for any little obstacles we come upon.

There is those times however when as much as we love our blessed children we do not actually like them and spending the day with them is akin to picking your nose with a cheese grater. At the end of that day when all is not giggles and sweet smelling babies. Sometimes a glimpse of naughty youth flashes in and I crave to go around the back of the shed for a sneaky cigarette or a shot of tequila….hold the lemon and salt.

It is these times we call upon the ‘realistic’ mothers who remember ghost of youth’s past and are more than willing to have drink with it and pull an emergency packet of cigs out of their normally non smoking nappy bag and go hide where the children can’t see. I no longer have a naughty friend who is willing to lead me astray. They both buggered off to England. Spiteful cows.

I am seeking submissions for a new Janey or Delwyn.

Position Description.

This is a demanding role and the meek and mild need not apply. The ideal applicant will be clever and able to defend from and onslaught of sarcastic remarks and send them back as the need dictates. Realistic, blatantly honest but open to delusion as the need arises. Strong negotiation skills, with the ability to talk people down from great heights. Educated in both palate and mind, with an almost psychic ability when a chat and a glass of gin is needed. Knowledge of herbal and pharmaceutical drugs and own prescription pad would be beneficial. The ability to laughs at ones foibles and smile knowingly when we come across those qualities in another and then counsel as appropriate. Most importantly, possess a willingness to be either the strength or the crutch as needed with the ability to be led and lead astray should the opportunity present it self.

Righto, move your arse and make an application.

Welcome Spring

Gosh I love living here!

Feminine charm

Over the years, you have all been with me as we have discovered how a woman is "enriched" with age and of the unimaginable things that have happened along the journey. Certain mysteries that are top of mind was discovering that you tripled your body gas ratio aftering bearing children or being shocked at that first "pale" hair on your bikini line! but of late I guess the biggest dissapointment was discovering that as women not all age gracefully and are just nasty buggers that know how to bully.

Behold! I have made a new discovery and that is, 'As we age we loose sensitivity!'. I of course have had an inkling of this as over the years more than truthful comments just roll off the tongue with ease, especially when aimed at CH! But more importantly we seem to loose sensitivity from our noses! Noses I tell you, not to be stuck in places unwanted BUT ever thought of the unwanted things stuck in your nose?

Two words that strike fear in the heart of all things feminine...............................................

VISABLE BOGIES!

Always been an unrational fear of mine. I was always very confident that I would never have snot gremlin hanging off the end of my nose in full view. No sireee, all systems checked and good to go, besides it was everyone else that that happened to NOT CAREFUL ME!

Twice now it has happened, washing my hands.........casual check in the mirror and holy feck I HAVE GROWN A NEW HEAD and it is sticking out my nose! How could I not know? Why has no one told me? Has this happened before? Can I ever go out again..........am I officially in my middle years?..........my lord do I have to start carrying a HANKIE!

just another one of life's little gems I guess, yep cannot wait until the next New discovery!

18 Weeks until Christmas!

How can yet another month go by and NO postings? Do you think I have all day to swan about drinking coffee and talking to you? Well I may just have had something more exciting to do. Perhaps.............. start an affair with the local Whittaker's Sales rep? or did I loose the ability to write when I lost my fingers in a dangerous cupcake manoeuvre? or was it as simple as taking a real long time in coming up with "who is first up against the wall" when I become Queen List? Yes, I am considering a hostile takeover of the Beehive, eating the current residents and then fobbing the rest off with the promise of faster broadband and cheaper electricity from magic sticks! John Key is currently topping the list, as an insignificant deknackered slimy pimple on the arse of democracy. Perhaps a little harsh, as I imagine it would be hard to make a decision with so many people's hands up your arse to make you do something! Perhaps I shall rename him 'Judy Key', although 'Punch Key' is what we need BUT in today's world we could not even have 'Smacking Key'!. Blimey, I cannot even begin to talk about this anti smacking referendum as the rules of time and space do not allow me to fully express my opinion.

Anyhoo as proof that I am indeed alive here is a pic of the girls and I on holiday in Ashvegus! and a lovely one of my sister and the girls. We had an amazing time and I am sure I will go into greater details later..................you poor buggers! For now I must go and ensure that CH is not hanging from the rafters somewhere on what could be the eve of both a Cricket and possible rugby defeat. Removing all the belts, cords and sharp implements NOW! Feck it I will just crack the top off a imported beer to distract him and make the pain go away! AND WHO SAID KIWI BLOKES ARE UNATTRACTIVE?

Five Brilliant women the photo was titled, could not have been put a better way

Monday starts the new week with many positive changes, stay tuned as this time I think it is going to work and it will be in part because of these wonderful women. May my unyeilding positivity inspire you all. I shall from this point be no longer be filling the void with cupcakes....................OK perhaps not this point in time as I have a party to do cup cakes for this weekend BUT from then...............................cup cakes, they not for me.

I think I have MAN flu!

It's true! I have been in bed for three days and at this very moment am having a good patch. All the classic man flu signs, vocal cords pitched to "whine", inability know what it is that would help me, Cos I DONT KNOW! so very week I cannot even pick up my my own snotty tissues, three days in bed and only changed PJ's under duress yesterday. I must be looking so attractive at the moment, this morning I awoke with a strange feeling as I must have been sleeping with my mouth open and tongue poking out as my mouth has never been so dry and my tongue had cracks in it! You should see my nose as it is a monument dedicated to Vasaline, a wide grinning strip of the shiny stuff plastered under my nose with just as much shoved up it to stop my nose from falling off. My whole body hurts, even my lungs and diaphragm. It has been such a long few day as I never ever thought I could get sick enough not to be able to read in bed! What a waste, three days of not being able to read, curse you bright light! Today I am much better and actually contempating a shower.

This swine flu has my knickers in a knot. I am a healthcare professional and still I am confused. But you know me and my arm could be falling off and I still would not go into A&E as 'it will be right and I would not want to bother them!' Our poor pops was effected the worst, terrible temperatures, shocking coughs, shortness of breath with poor air movement. Pops always coughs in winter, always has and no amount of normal or alternative medicine seems to help it. Her dad was like this as a child. I do worry for pops as her respiratory system is not very strong.

I just wish there was an easy way to spot swine flu, like toenails turning to trotters or unexplainable urgings to put a ring through your nose. Rather than "flu like symptoms" feck any day of the week I have half of them. I did however ring work and say I would not be in today and it god damn came close to killing me, I am such a goodie two shoes that I hate to call in sick even when it is real. Heart palpitations, nervous sweat and stuttering voice GOD I HATE IT!

Actually that is more than enough for me today, thinking of plucking my eyebrows next.......................that should take all day given what I saw looking back at me from the mirror thing morning. Or perhaps bed and sort the yeti out later!

Zopicolone, you blessed blue beauties

Now you know me gals, not usually afraid to shove bad things in my mouth, cream doughnuts, ginger slice, blue cheese, bacon..........mmmmmmm bacon god I love bacon ANYWAY...............................................

When I last wrote to you I may have missed something out! When the wheels fell off and all hope was lost, I went to the doctor. Oh, words cannot clearly explain to you how mortified I was going to the doctor to air what I considered 'Dirty laundry' Of course at the time it added my distaste for CH as it was because of HIM!

I was worried I was depressed.

I also did not accept that. I have been there and this was not the same.

The thing with me as like all of you wonderful Mums out there, an unbroken sleep is rare. For me it is impossible and has been that way for over twelve years or more and I normally survive on more or less then 3-4 hours a night. I just cannot fall asleep with ease. I have always looked at this as a gift as it allowed my so much more reading, thinking and letting my imaginings fly! Thats way I have so many projects on the go at once!

Over the last year it has been a complete curse. Worrying about everything, twenty different thoughts each with new things to worry about in every case scenario that could go with it. It became normal and I could easily not sleep a whole night and still go to work the next day and feel the same. No extra tiredness as I was just exausted all the time. Anxiety, it was crazy!

My friendly doctor wanted to prescibe a course of anti-depressants. I asked for a raincheck but asked for sleeping pills and WOW what a difference. For the first week it was no change, just relief not to have things in my head. I felt just the same with seven hours unbroken snoring as I did with one. This week is amazing, I am tired still but my giggle is back and I am now laughing my arse off at TV programmes, something I never even realised had gone. Emotions, I am now back to nearly crying at every thing that pulls on the heart strings, sad stories, crappy ads, you name it! OF COURSE NO ONE SEES! I have not completely changed! I have energy to do exercise in fact today is the first day I have had a rest day this week.

Today was great, I organised a suprise morning tea for all the wonderful ladies at Mainly Music to celebrate 10 years of being in our community and I just love them. Yeah more cupcakes What a fantastic morning the girls were amazing when I asked my eldest what the highlight of her day was apart from the food, I thought she would say dancing of friends or wearing dress ups but no it was when she accidently let her helium balloon go and floated away to the clear blue sky, she was mesmorised. I think she might be just like me and every action can be turned into a magical imagining.

The Wheel Turns

I may have been a bit quiet of late, in fact I have almost been non blogging for 10 months or more. Why, too much to say I guess and little I wanted any of you to know.

Filthy word divorce, used with other equally horrid descriptive words like failure, break up, break down, heart break, shame, devastation and so very much more. I have got the T shirt!

It has been so very tough but to alleviate your fears I can indeed confirm that we are still married with the intent of being forever. Well at least for now..............I always have to have options, yes! I am aware of the problem but you would be so happy sitting next to me in a sinking ship as I would have at least 10 way outs up my sleeve all extremely well thought out!

It was bad at one point CH had actually packed his bags and we were dividing up our meager possessions and wondering what could have gone so very wrong. Ten months of gut retching sadness and more tears than I could handle is not good for a domestic goddess. The worst part was the eating and hiding away and the "put on a smiley face" Christ my lipsticks got so bright I looked like a trannie!

We never know how we will react to a situation until we are in it. As you all know I am a fairly strong gal but I fell to pieces. A dull mosaic. That my friends pissed me off more!

Upon reflection I made many mistakes and my most pivotal one was telling no one in my close circle of friends about what was happening. I just continued with life normality, La la la, organising coffee groups, Christmas parties, fundraising and helping out whenever I could. I do not know why. I have the most amazing bunch of women in my life and any one of them would drop anything and come if I called.....................but I could'nt. It was not healthy.

I guess as with all those of you who have read my blog over the years and been there with me as I muddle through barely knowing me arse from me elbow in this whole parenting gig. This seems to be a whole new phase. It is kinda like birthing pain, no one tells you about it until it is over and then generally ignored as it never happened. It seems to me that we all know marriages takes work but how much work is generally ignored. I now feel confident in our decision to stay together but almost with equal confidence know it would be difficult to separate but achievable.(there I go again with the defence mechanism) It would just be like spending your life savings on booking a flight to Paris for a holiday and ending up in Rotorua.....................not quite where you thought you would end up but you would make the most of it while you were there.

I came clean to my girlfriends this week and I know they are hurt I could not confide but as the friends they are they hide that and support me anyway. I just love them. My advice to you all out there that should you embark on the journey I have just got back from it is long and dark and you need a friend to hold your hand so please do not make the same mistake. Also do not be suprised that you are having huge almost unsolvable problems in paradise as it appears to be much like saggy boobs after breast feeding, a bit ugly but quite normal!

Cup Cake Lesson

A Good cake doth not always make a Good cup cake!

I have learned this over the years and why oh why do I still have faith that all recipies will work?

This is Nigella's Clementine Cake, delightfully easy, normally lovely and both Dairy and Wheat free. What a winning cake. What a crap cup cake.

WHY?

Very solid mix and I had to cook the cupcakes for longer than normal which make the base over cooked and stuck.(perhaps you could bake in a bain marie to overcome)

The high moisture content completely ruined my beautiful paper cases and looked like I had soaked the vintage papers in a puddle. (eating them as soon as the were baked would help this one)

Itsy bitsy Cup Cakes

I made hundreds of these little fellows today. I think I can say I have finally cracked them! Filling up the little tiny cases can be touch and go at times and today I grabbed a funnel and a regular clean water bottle and filled it to the brim with cake batter, pit the lid on and then filled up my paper cases with ease and not a spill then popped the bottle back in the fidge between batches and as we speak there is a bottle of batter in my fridge left over to make in the next week with no hassle!

Also lets be honest about it, no matter how nice the cake mix is it is the icing I am interested in. I now put a couple of white choc chips in the batter so you have, squishy sponge, crunchy choc and creamy icing in every bite! Its good!