He He he he he ohhhh dear heeeee he

Three sleeps to go, I am so excited.

Not only am I going to spend loads of time with fav gal, go on a plane, stay in a hotel, Duty free treats, eat lots of fab food, drink bubbles, bright lights and big city, shopping from here to Africa and not a shitty nappy in sight.

I could just pee myself......................................

On to important matters.

THE LIST

What to buy................................

#Grey stuff, yes big next year I think

#Citrus shades, great for summer

#Gladiator Sandals, lots of strap and a bit of heel.

#Knee length shorts, hiding the bits I want disguised.

#Longish tops.

#Engineered suck me in pants.

#Tunics, Halter in style, sweetheart neckline to balance out arse with small shoulders and enhance bust, not too long.

#Capri pants, with very specific lengths

#Crop 3/4 only if firm around the hips and wide floaty legs to show pin ankles and perhaps give the illusion that my legs are like that all the way up

#Perfume, Hmmn I think I will have to get my stock standard Hypnotic Poison but I am over issey for summer so I need to do some testing.

#Facial products in particular micro dermabraison I still need to investigate that one.

#Casual shoes

#Casual and funky Hoodies

#Jeans!!! Hmmn or at the very least great casual pants

#Swim wear to cover wobbly bitsahh hell or perhaps a wet suit.

#Gorgeous Lingerie, lift and present boobies

#Dresses

#More handbags of course

Well thats the basics covered!

Hello poor house and beans on toast, still very worth it

The new Do

There we go, you asked for it one fabulous self potrait of new do, does not even resemble what I left the salon with as it has more of a just got out of bed look.................cos I have, minus the hooker lipstick. Hey you can even see my freckles!

Quite an interesting experience at the salon, not your normal bullocky converstion but more a course in local education as we spoke manly about gangs!

This is the unusual thing in living up here is just how much gangs are in the every day life, I decided to get my hair cut in Kopeopeo which is apparently a Blackpower haven but I love it for the people watching it is great. I toatally stick out like a sore thumb as most of the people I have met thus far would not think of shopping there. I find this whole gang relationship quite interesting as all of my experience which is few and far between is of White gangs. I guess more to the point I understand it on some level as most of you will know that I have no blood family I have not given birth too and little knowlege of my heritage so the idea of a bigger family is a little in the realm of hopes and dreams for me. I know that gangs are not really like this but the truth of the matter is there are good people and bad bastards everywhere and a patch does not nicely classify them as either. Many people have told me that once I live here a few years I will hate Maoris, I find this disturbing. I have always felt a real strong and emotional connection with Maori culture as if one day I hope to find that I am one so I no longer have to feel like a fraud. Just more of wanting that sense of belonging I guess.

I have met some really lovely women here, intelligent capable and with great jobs, yet their men are fully patched up members in the local gang. I do not know what I expected, more like toothless middle aged old hags with my hooker lippie on chugging back a cheap arse beer.

I think I should start my own gang and base it on more like a female Freemason to guard all our female secrets and pass on skills through each other and encourage learning and growth for future generations, a haven of sorts to give strength to one another and next step world domination!

Matriarch Misadventures

A huge Thankyou to the wonderful men of our All Blacks.

I and other rugby families will no longer have to put up with Rugby bullocks, late nights and early mornings and boring replays.

What if this whole thing was orchestrated and planned by the women of the world and put into action by the wives and girlfriends of all involved with the World Cup.

This could happen, or has it?

When I am Queen of this fair country, you Grab-a-seat bastards will be the first up against the wall.

You arse vomit sodden pricks, I am completely and utterly gutted with these sheep buggering bandit cheap fares. Every time there is a fare I could use, I wait, eyes glues, children abandoned and bawling, credit card poised, nose picking finger at the ready to punch in my details.

This time I got through with record speed, right through to punching in my credit card detail and giggling with glee and then flashing read meassage, " Sorry those flights are no longer available."

Who has my fucken tickets?

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I cannot use this site again, my temper will not hold.

Pledge Update

I never complain to manufacturers, even about important things. This time I was so wild that I did. Today I recieved a $15 voucher in the post with the advice that in future I should spray upon cloth instead of directly on to surface. So go fourth and spay.

Christmas Ahoy

It has begun, three days of prep and the result is the most weighty, decadent and rich, plonk swamped Christmas cakes I have ever made. These monsters will almost double in weight with their weekly feeding of port on the lead up to Christmas.

I love Christmas cake day it is a new tradition I started as my own Mother once made a christmas cake sponge mixture and fruit mix the night before and I still loved loved it, it was only the once and I remember it well. I always had this dream of a proper Christmas card family Christmas with all the family pitching in and making it a truly magical event, Christmas carols playing while all standing around the massive bowls of cake batter and each stiring the mix and making a wish.

In reality what a complete balls up it was to try to do with a baby and a naughty toddler helping you bake and who knows what my oldest minion managed to get into the batter when my back was turned. It would take a complete saint to enjoy this event and not come a sweaty scarlet bundle with gang banger curses. The buggers ground me down and pissed all over my Christmas card vision.

However I live to tell the story and will of course look forward to next year. Ella is already amped for Christmas, we have been doing some pretty instensive training but so far all she wants for Christmas is a Christmas Cake and a Christmas Tree, oh bless.

I must admit to being a little insular of late and I really do not have a clue about what is going on in the big wide world, I generally only get a small bit of down time to watch the first few items on the news, which is normally only National pieces and our reception is so bad that we cannot get any national radio shows. I am only getting wee snippets here just enough to peak my interest but does little to explain the full story. I am a bit lost really as I have no one worldly enough in my life that cares enough about world events to explain them. I must put that on my list for possible friend description. I already have Lucy who will help me with Te Reo, a good start.

I am quite interested in the chap Ahmadinejad I do not know what it is but I think it has something to do with how he looks and it does not really match up with what falls from his mouth. I do wonder how much is lost in translation.

As for this Myanmar/Burma conflict, how can I have any idea of what is going on if no one can seem to agree what to blooming call the country. I think it is something along the UN using Myanmar and Americans using Burma. Where do the people live Burma or Myanmar. 45 years of Military rule...........................the biggest uprising since the death of over three thousand over 20 years ago...............something has gotta give.

I need more time in my day, a stolen hour to read the newspaper everyday, right lets try to make that happen.

clean and dust

There in all its calming blue colours my destroyer of yesterday. Do not be fooled by the magpie catching colour, holographic sparkly bits, fabulous smell and smorgasboard of empty cleaning promises.

I am normally not one to shit on cleaning product, cos who really cares but on this one I am pulling my draws down and lining it up.

Yesterday three of my husbands superiors from head office were coming for dinner, I of course relishing the chance to fatten people up but thought I had best have a bit of a spring clean. Our Kitchen is only three years old, lovely new easy clean laminate. In the sunlight there was the odd mark on the doors around the handle so off I went with said spray and spot cleaned the whole kitchen. Once I finished I stood back to look at my work and FUCK A DUCK they looked ten time worse a big greasy patch where I had cleaned, I waited for it to dry. It did not. I then thought FUCK I was already late and now I had to clean the blasted everything from floor to ceiling.

Once finished I stood back and Mother of god I shit you not all surfaces look like I had smeared bacon fat upon it. To make matters worse I went to answer my phone and fell completely on my arse as I had got some spray on the floor and it was now a slippery surface, my daughter ran in arsed up as well and cracked her head on one of the fat covered doors. Screaming and tears reign supreme and Ella was upset too.

To further feed my fury, upon looking at the product to ensure I was using correctly and whom to complain to should I ever get the time I see what appears to be spelling errors in the contact details(perhaps I am wrong and it is correct in some language), which makes me think if they do not have the resources to get this little thing right then we are most likely pissing in the wind to hope they care about the integrity of their product.

I am hoping it was just a bad patch as I do use there other products, well I did.

Oh dear what have I become anyone seen pre child Jody?

Smelling of roses

Would you believe that this week I have stepped out of gumboots covered in Sheep, cow, pig and goat shit? Not quite the black farmers boots you imagine but a lovely little white pair covered in big red roses, and of course they have now been though the wash………………and disinfected.

The girls and I joined our daycare place on a bus trip to a farm. Granted it was not ideal that I had had a few beers and wine the previous night, as it just seemed amplify the high pitch screams and squawked versions of the “Wheels on the Bus” Bit the farm was fabulous and I was green with both shit and envy at their veggie garden the whole experience left a huge impression upon Ella in particular that “Cows do Pooooooooooos!” We also collected eggs from the chicken coops, bloody clever chickens up these parts as they lay them hard boiled (chas and dave you will have to lift your game). The downside of that is I have now have had to move our eggs at home as they are not hard boiled and do not bounce as well.

Thus far I have also had two coffees with some other Mums who I am testing out for the role of friend but I am still looking, I am guilty of still treating this place like a holiday and love getting up every morning and going exploring, I will settle down and create some routine once back from Melbourne…………….really.

We had three people over for dinner last and this house is great for entertaining and you all know my love of food and my overwhelming urge to feed everyone so book in to Casa Langdon as reservations are tightening up.

What I have under my bonnet

My child will surely question my grasp on reality when she gets an eyeful of what her dear old Mum used to dress her in.

Quaint, old fashioned, practical and blooming cute................much like me really. I came across this wonderful little community shop run by about 60 old ducks who all are talented at crafting and all profits go to charity. Lovely ladies and you really need to take an extra half an hour when you pop in for mindless chit chat but for handmade full of love products it is all worth it.

Melbourne Awaits

I am so excited, almost a year of planning and in less than one month I will be winging my way to endless shopping, eating, drinking with fav gal pal D. I even am in love with the new advertising Melbourne campaign, great dress and music. I have started the list on what to get but to be fair it is getting a little out of control. Research is what I need, NO what I really need is the Fashion Channel, god I loved it..................bring it back, it was the perfect couple channel, cutting edge designers for the ladies and Boobs for the boys, whats not to love.

Speaking of fashion, its bloody NZ fashion week and the coverage has really sucked just pathetic uncaring journos asking boring questions like "Whats your one tip for the general public to look good!" Oh the shame. I quite like runwayreporter.co.nz, but I need more more more!

Speaking of good websites, for all your nutritional supplements and general self help health, check out this fab site, great prices, prompt service, in fact the most pleasant online buying experience I have had. Healthpost.co.nz

Feck! Piss! ARSE!

On average I tidy the kitchen a minimum of five times a day. Brekkie, Morning T, Lunch, Avo T, pre dinner dishes, Baking and dinner dishes.

Why is it when CH has a day off during the week he chooses a non allocated eating time to bring out the largest, hardest to clean pan, fry off some stinking bacon that spews grease all over my sparkling ceramic hobb and splash back throws in an egg and gets half of it on said hobb. Then wonders why I say no to a fully cooked lunch at about two in the avo.

Mother of god I need to go back to work so I can stop obsessing and be cool about messy kichen all day.

Being cool now.....................................................

Pork crackle, jellied eels and pork pies STAT

It is often said you reap what you sow and could not possibly ring more true than with your own children. Ella at present is enchanting and just a little excretement rolled into one challenging bundle. Her ‘In’ words at present are “No worries Mama” after I have just told her off for something and the new and infuriating “But I am being funny Mama!” used in such occasions as she wears a Nappy on her head, legs through dressing gown arms and staying about a metre out of reach when we should have been at the doctors five minutes ago!

Given as parents are told countless times how their little brains soak up more learning in the first couple of years of life, I am now thinking I really should have vetted the TV programmes a bit more as I am sure they have helped shape her sense of humour. All her favourite viewing pleasures possess an all American twang with a side of apple pie goodness. My first thought was to dash out and copy all my BBC video classics onto DVD format and have Red dwarf, Monty Python, Black Adder, Smith and Jones all playing in the background. As of course my sense of humour leans more to British than American.

What a crock of shit. I have had that same British V’s American debate with many in the past and if I truly think about it can I name 10 current TV programmes that I love that are British comedy? 5? 2?!!!!!! No, However, I can say with hand on heart the only programmes I watch at present from that area of the world are Spooks and Dr Who, and not really comedies at all, well Dr Who loosely. The same cannot be said about American programmes as all my favs are from that side of the world. Dang!

As my mate David say “I afraid of Americans, I afraid I can’t help IT!” Why do I and others have I this thing against Americans? I mean recently I could have become quite good friends with some I have met, Oh actually……. one was a Canadian. What ever it is, it is fairly deep rooted as even when we speak of our time overseas one of the first things we say is that it was a fabulous time to travel as the war was on and there were no Americans travelling and the usual response by those we tell is a knowing nod and snigger.

Perhaps I just need to say it, “I love many American trashy television programmes” No let’s try that again.

“I love many American and Canadian Television programmes, they truly can make fantastic absorbing television, and I look forward to the day I can eat at an American smorgasboard and order one of those fecking fantastic looking pizza’s and dial a number that starts with 555”

Whale Island, that lump to the right, not the one directly below

Miles to the left and many more miles to the right. A soft sandy beach as far as the eyes can see and all just five minutes from our kitchen table. A truly beautiful day as warm as a Christchurch summer and all this months before Summer months hit. We are gonna fry our arses off!

Such a relaxing day, Ella built her first sandcastle and all I really could do was sit on my hands and watch as truly all I wanted to do was take over and build some Rococo masterpiece, next time I am taking my own bucket and spade.

Jason took this photo, one of the few I have with the children. We have decided he should take more of me and the children as should god forbid something happens to me the only proof of my existance is the odd fuzzy finger over the camera lens. However rules will have to be adhered to, photos will only be taken when I look completely hot(simmering not sweaty), have much makeup on to pull off that natural look, all bra straps should be hidden, legs closed and knickers or builders bum not showing, boobs as perky as a twenty year olds and lardy lunpy bits fully sucked in and who can forget a bloody miracle to make that all happen.

Whakatane

Well we have made it, settled and almost 80% unpacked. The drive up was really fantastic and catching up with a couple pals on the way was a mammoth bonus. The girls were great and oh my god what a beautiful country we live in (Bulls,Waiouru and Foxton excluded!)

Here is a photo of our new home, WE LIVE IN PLEASANTVILLE! For many years I would drive past these boring human boxed settlements and shudder and the thought of living in such a place. I now of course realise that was simply self preservation as I LOVE THIS HOUSE!. We have four bedrooms, our room has a ensuite, walk in wardrobe and concertina doors that open to a deck! The whole house has fabulous indoor/outdoor flow, heatpump, great chefs kitchen and all day sun. We live in a lovely wee valley on top of a hill, with a bird sactuary and many bush walks at the end of the street(our cat is rapt!) Five minutes to the centre of town one way and five minutes to the beach the other way.

FOUR DAYS AND COUNTING

Here we have it, a photo of my hotness, unfortunately next to a youthful glowing mum to be, my stark wartyness is very very clear, said youthful mother will most likely be rapt she is plastered on my blog...................rasp.

To all you lovely blenhiem gals, I will miss you.

For all those who have not seen my girls in a while, here they are in all their cherub glory as they will most likely be at school when I get around to blogging again.

Not the most glam photo of Pops, but does get her personality quite accurately. Ahh and Ella, she choose the outfit herself you know.

Righto catch up with you all in the next month

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Oh golly gosh

Slack, slothful, lazy, idle, sluggish..................................................to some.

I however call it complete denial. As of one week ago we decided to move to Whakatane. Should have been packing really.

We make the journey north on September 3rd and prepare for normal blogging and soon as I know which way is up.........................................................

Let the fun begin......................................

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Pum jam, preserved plum, plum tart, plum sauce, plum pudding

Just when you start to think that you ankles look pretty hot in these new parenting shoes some bugger tries to bite your nipple off!

Baby Bobbit we shall call the previously mentioned bugger. I have always been pro breast feeding in fact I even did a breast feeding course and even managed to get CH there(major achievement and to his credit he fully encourages other men to go). I will not even begin to tell you how hard I found it but the end result is I now love it and believe it nurtures an amazing bond between mother and child. Poppy has always been a shit to feed, always preferred the drive in option, no time for pissing about, used to clench and bite when the letdown was not fast enough, if I talked to someone, if the TV was too loud, if somebody moved……you name it. In complete contrast is Ella, whom I fed until she was well over one and only stopped because I was pregnant, she was a joy to feed. People often asked me how I fed through teething and how I coped with biting of a child so old. My face would cringe a little, grasp my boob and have that knowing look……..quietly thinking I must be a double hard bastard…………….I now know this to be complete Mock disdain. All those little nips and clenches were nothing.

Currently there is a nipple disguised as a ‘Nurple’ on my boob, Anyone missing a overripe plum? This is not mild discomfort, this so sore I cannot sleep on that side. The worst of it is, she has her favourite one to bite and as hard as it is to continues feeding, the little sod keeps doing it, I am almost in the fetal position just thinking about it. I now have to be vigilant and watch everything that little mouth is doing for the moment the milk stop flowing she eyeballs me adjusts her grip then CHOMP. It is like Russian roulette, can I get my finger in her mouth and release suction quicker than she can stay in for a bite to eat. The looks she gives is priceless.

She is feeding less and less and I do wonder if she is self weaning, I cannot say I am ready yet but in truth I do not think you ever are, I still give Ella a bottle at night just for the closeness and to have her stay in the one spot for more than a minute.

Well only a couple more hours until the next feed........................................cringe