I wonder what the suicide rates are in low income families?

Today was horrible. Death in the family of an extremely well loved object. The Telly.
Luckily we have a second television.
Unluckily the power spike that killed our precious telly also screwed our sky box and as a result we had to watch poor people television. Christ, half an hour of this visual runny arse and I swear I lost the will to live. Absolute bullocks on the box how am I supposed to achieve total sensory deprivation while watching Marc Ellis force feed lemons to idiots? I even thought of having a conversation with CH, that is how bad it was!

I suppose there is one silver lining, our second TV does not have a remote and as it is really hard to channel surf on three choices and getting up and down spices up the degree of difficulty not to mention the obvious physical benefits.

Speaking of things physical I have reached 'extreme lardarse' stage again and the little changes I have made in my life do not seem to be making an impact.

• I am walking to where I want to go.
• The fridge is in another room so I have to walk to it.
• The Clothes dryer is way down in the spider ridden garage so I am hanging out the washing
• The freezer is also in the garage so I have to haul arse to get anything.

Ok so they are only small changes and it has only been two weeks and I have been eating some extemely good food of late and large portions. Damn my superior cooking skills.

Ok, I am also not going to bake anymore, or add sauces to a meal. No more bernaise, hollandaise or creamy carmelised onion and blue cheese............................whimper.

I still have a bit of a stash left over from easter, I will deal to that tonight and start tomorrow on the right foot...................................................yes I will add no more gorging to the list.....later...much later...........................Cake, I also have mud cake to take care of. This could be a long night.

Fuck off, you're oooooooooooooooout!

Thats it!, done and dusted! It is a beautiful day, I have been to the movies with my eldest, walked for an hour and a half and giggled all the way home as I have finished all of my online training and it has just sunk in! I am just so rapt. Yesterday started my first 7am until 7pm day shift and what a fabulous day. I learned so much and actually got to inject someone yesterday as well as drive priority one, lights, sirens and air horn to a town half an hour away. I came home absolutely buzzing and confident in my decision to put the girls in care all day so I can do this.

It has been a hard few weeks and the most unfortunate part was self doubt. We have these two horrid women where I work and they teach by belittling and chronic bitchyness. I have never seen the like. At what age do we become bitter and twisted?

I am yet to work out what to do with horrid busted old hags. As you all know I am not a bad person a generally get along with anybody and do not put up with people being unreasonable. With these two wenches I am stumped. They have got me so worked up because I am truly torn, on the one hand I am naturally so respectable of my elders and want to hold them with high regard and absorb their knowledge but the other side of me is so angry at them for treating people the way they do. Honestly it makes me so upset and I just cannot put my big gal pants on and talk to them about it as these days I am so emotional and would end up in a snotty crying mess and that would just not do. I cry in front of no one!

I was talking to a friend of mine who prefers women over men and simply asked how she could do it? ........It was about there I put a stop to that conversation before I heard some information I did not want to hear but simply gave her the following advice, under no circumstances date anyone over forty, start cruising for a new and much younger lady love well before their 39th birthday.

This need further investagation, as although I am 33 I can feel a new bitchyness creeping into my otherwise wonderful personality......cough cough. Be aware team and report all incidents of unsheathed bitchyness, chronic crankyness, sadistic sarcasm and I will look into your diet and increase your sugar, spice and all things nice!

Blimey, you guessed it I have been immersed in the books again and finding little time to do anything else except MOVE. Christ words cannot describe how absolutely shit the last three weeks have been. It is completely unending. DO NOT EVEN consider moving with children UNLESS you donate 80% of their crap first. Then when you done throw out anything opened(except booze as you will be needing that to full up pump bottles and sipper cups) then kick at least six boxes of the back of the truck.....................you wont miss em and trust me you will be thankful later. Ensure you do not move on a public holiday as every bastard has a legitimate excuse.....fancy that Jesus dying on the cross and rising again to give ye all a reason fuck off and not help.

So we have shifted and I will be soon walking everywhere I need to go and I will be finished my course come the end of May and believe you me I am looking forward to having a moment to write on here every now and then.

Until my next moment of work avoiding............................xxxxx

Here we are the very first batch of Volunteers to go through the new National Diploma of Ambulance Practice and tomorrow starts the last third of my study. It has been fairly tough and this last one will be the hardest I expect. I am actually pretty nervous as although I have only had two weeks off study the memory of how little time I had previously is pretty fresh. I will really have to manage my time more effectively and doing that and staying sane is fairly hard.

Last Monday started my new healthy outlook on life and I managed to do exercise on three days and ate in a sensible and healthy manner. ????????I KNOW!!!! This week I am intending to do the same and am now even more inspired to do well as I phoned up about a womens social hockey league last week and put my name down! This could be humiliating as I have not picked up a stick since I was 12 and even then I was always shoved in goal! I have no idea why this appeals but the idea feel right so why not try and add yet another thing into my life. Thank you god for that extra hour sleep coming up with daylight saving ending, I think I will need it!

Dont you just love the uniform and the hands on our thigh action.................can you pick which one is me? Not a flash piccie but one I shall send to my mum!

Ella-raine's Birthday cake

Although we were camping for the event there was absolutely no need for mediocrity in the birthday cake department and since Miss Four had been banging on about it for the last 11 months I simply could not bung a candle on a bowl of porridge and sing Happy Birthday. It came out quite well all things considered as my normal cakes take many hours to decorate this was done and dusted in under ten minutes. Of course there was much prep to begin with like legs to be wrenched of Barbie, dressing her in more fitting attire to match the cake a making a necklace..............every gal has to have sparkles!

The party was great, all ballons and party napkins and plates but I forgot the blasted party hats but never fear my friends assured me, she would not even notice.

WRONG......... after having the most perfect camping birthday surrounded by all her mates when asked later in the day about how much fun she had..........................she promptly replied 'no hats or pass the parcel' then she got up and left. Ungrateful shit!

I came, I saw, I camped!

It rained. Grounds got flooded. We all got moved into a hall. Seven Children, six adults sleeping in a room, three of those children with a tummy virus and all adults stupidly tired. Brilliant!

Fricken camping, who in their right mind(except homeless people) would do it. Now I can see the challenge in camping as a couple, the two of you at one with nature, trying to wildly shake the stench of the concrete jungle. It almost sounds romantic.

With children, no power and more importantly NO TV. Son of Mary, you gotta be full blown do lally!

Not only do you spend weeks of planning, every meal, snack, scenario and whim you are completely shafted by the camping grounds. The price per night was amazing and was a hare’s breath away from the price of a cheap hotel. Not only that, as they were “powered” tent sites one would foolishly assume you could plug and extension cord into sockets and be blessed with the comforts of home. WRONG, apparently it is common knowledge around the camping types to get a “special” cord with a different plug to have power. I of course only found this out after I played around with the outdoor plug socket and severly pissed off the neighbours by turning off their power, I went to give my apology and was promptly told that “Well YOU are not the only one who now has to re-programme DVD player!” SLAM! A DVD player! Christ that’s not camping! (as I load all of my now non useable comforts of home) As luck would have it they sold those special cords at the camping ground shop for $150!! Blimey not a chance. Then just to add insult to injury you have to pay for the showers on top.

But with all my moans and gripes(and believe you me, I got many stashed) I would do it all again in a heart beat as the Children had the most amazing time and grinned from ear to ear the whole time, I kid you not I have never seen such a bunch of happy souls, except that time I toured the Cadbury factory! This was the stuff of childhood memories held dear, I wish you had been there!

But NO, we are not camping people, I want a caravan!

Happy bithday to moi

Tis true, yesterday was my 33rd birthday. What a fabulous day, I awoke to have an early brekkie with friends, dropped BOTH kids into care and went to have a girly coffee and shopping session with one of my favourite gal pals then off to the salon with my eldest daughter then off out to dinner and a movie with CH. All this and I got an amazing present from CH.

I have decided I am sick of our boring white flatware and now wanting mis matched, well choosen, pretty pieces of China and CH choose an absolute cracker from the 1930's. I would never have choosen it myself and he paid an absolute fortune for it, I could not believe it and had to bite my tongue but it is JUST lovely. Bless his cotton socks he was so worried it was not to my taste.

So as I am a very new collector, should you see a lovely tea cup set in an op shop think of me and I will lovingly add it to my collection. In fact that is a fabulous idea to have a dinner set made entirely of individual pieces choosen by your nearest and dearest!

Right off on yet another weekend away on my course, what a lucky girl I am!

Christmas 08

I feel a little sad you all missed out on my Christmas but you can be sure it was lavish, traditional with completely over the top decorations, but here is one of my cakes

Gotta love small communities

Yeaterday we finally thought we may have found a cheap rental place that we could make our own. The landlords were lovely, the street was nice and quiet and my work was just over the back fence and not to mention loads of room for a vege garden, sandpit for the cat to crap in and the landlords wanted to put new carpet and paint the place for us. We were rapt. I did however notice the neighbours. I enquired what they were like to the current tennants and she said they did not bother her. I should have got an inkling when looking through the place with the Adolf Hitler wall clock and various swords, guns and a crossbow or two in the wardrobe. In my mind we were living in the place already.

CH went back to work and said we had finally found a suitable place. He said the street and was was asked "What number" 20 CH replied. It was then that we found out that number 22 was the local tinny house. Thats not all, that night I went to work and told this same story and Sally turned to me and said "Not the big white place down the end?" Yes that was the one, as it turned out her friend used to live there and had dreadful problems with the neighbours just coming in and taking what they wanted!

Dodged a bullet there! Cursed recession, Whaaaaaaaaa I want to stay in plesantville.

Please Please Please all go out there and buy Fisher and Paykel because if they go down so does CH. I cannot believe how much their share price has dropped. I still remember the heady heights of before the company split from their healthcare division. Fingers crossed

World Poultry shortage.......investigations lead to Whakatane

Tis true, I not long ago polished off approximately 12 chickens worth of honey soy chicken nibbles and swiftly followed them with a rather large portion, almost all of a cream and jam filled family sized chocolate log. Christ, I am grotesque!

Why is it when we realise we have pilled on the pies that we suddenly think it is a grand idea to feed ourselves even more arse widening food. More of the ole, christ I have done it now, what is another 13 cream doughnuts gonna do. GONNA DO!!!!!!!!!, ITS GONNA MAKE YOU FATTER THATS WHAT, YOU THICK AND DUMB TWAT.

Why could I have not had that same conversation with myself two hours ago, oh perhaps it was the shock of watching two turn of the century lesbians rooting each other with a large leather strap on dildo at 11.45am on UK TV! I kid you not, I nearly choked on my chicken! It was supposed to be a comedy, there were boobs, blow jobs, girl on girl and tranvestites aplenty. Certainly something to spice up your lunch time veiwing! The programme was called "Tipping the velvet" and perhaps not for the faint of heart!

Nature V's Nurture

Well this just pisses all over my big belief that we come into the world with our god given attributes and leave it basically the same. For there is no acconting in this world that can possibly work out how I developed my taste in clothing with my upbringing so it must be nature.......................................If that were true, surely wee Ella-raine would have come up with a better ensemble to start the day in!

Somebody roasting some pork?

I am trying really hard not to dwell on the fires in Australia as I feel so bloody helpless and terrible and with the weather being the way it is, I feel it mist be connected in some way and that keeps the tragedy firmly placed front of mind.

My natural reaction is wanting to go and help which has brought a few other issues to mind. As being part of the Emergency services we are often put in situations where we would normally fear to tread, but with human nature being the way it is, we do not hesitate to help others where we can. This at times could lead to making fatal decisions, but hell actually putting your life ahead of someone elses is much harder than it should be. I do not know what it is but I really struggle with it. I don't know, religious upbringing? low self worth? overly frickin polite! I have no idea and truly hope that if one day faced with a choice to perhaps die treating another or leaving them to save my own skin, I hope I can have the strength to make latter as I need to take grand children to Africa!

I do have an interesting thought pattern though and do you know what really scares me?
You fricken arsonists, jacking yourself off to your flammed and charred remains buffet. It is going to take much to top this one and I bet you pricks are gonna try and god willing it is not some blooming kiwi trying to out do the bloody Aussies at something for a change!

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

It is amazingly hot and humid here. 21:10 and the air is like breathing in a steam room, yesterday morning I spent sitting on our back deck in my nightie in the pouring rain and all around me was low fog like cloud. It was one of those special moments were you are wearing a foolish grin and wanting to dance amongst the daisy's.

Today however I had had enough. CH and I had a date today, Eight hours with just each other for company. We decided to play golf together and luckily we know the golf pro so he gave us a golf cart to go aroung the course in. I loved the golf up until around the 12th hole when I completely had enough of smacking the hell out of the ball only to have it skim the surface of the grass and go about 40 meters. I even have blisters and a neck injury! The best bit was the golf cart................................I intend to never go around a course without one as they are the coolest ride, I was giggling my way around, trying to run over Jase, running into bushes on his side of the cart when he gave me shit, hooning over all terrain and realising my bra is not as supportive as I would have liked(CH quickly there with hands outstretched to help me out with that one, who says he is not supportive!)

We very rarely get time alone, so when we are faced with the prospect of it, it is fairly daunting. I reckon we need about three days together to fully enjoy each other as with our action packed morning and being two unfit fat bastards in tropical weather we both felt terrible and craved BK and then promptly went home and watched a DVD and fell asleep!What party animals! The DVD was great by the way, Charlie Wilson's War with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts

Poppy's Cake

Since you have missed out on so much of our life I thought I would update you now and then on what you missed out on and in this particular version it is my unashamed gloating of my cake prowess

I have just realise I have absolutely no proof of the fabulous summer we have had as I have no photo's! Here is my latest one of the girls(mine are the pink and blue fairy's) and this was taken before Christmas when they put on a show. Here is another one of me taken before Christmas and believe it or not but I was much slimmer then!

Yes the ole diet has not really taken off but the thought is there. I did not go walking yesterday as I was so knackered from my weekend away on my course(valid excuse I thought) today?....well it was the shock of how dark it was at half six this morn! Blimey it was a shock to the system as I have been sort of looking forward to having some cooler days and perhaps having more time indoors but the reality of this morning's darkness pushed all those thoughts away and now I really want to hold on to summer.

However I am not quite finished with summer yet as we are going camping.

CAMPING! I know! a bit shocking for me. I remember long long ago, in a land without children, we decided that every year we would get some camping gear..................we forgot about it and still only have that first purchase........ one torch(which we cannot find) and a airbed(with no pump) now the last weekend in feb will be interesting.

Blimey can you believe it is the month of Feb already?

Here I am fast approaching my 33rd birthday and completely chasing my arse.

My life is nothing short of hectic at the moment as I am smack in the middle of my Ambulance Diploma, finding it hard to find the time to do the course work and study as well as continue to do a shift at work and continue on life normality as a Domestic Goddess while trying to fit in time for my friends.

At least while I toil at the very minimum I look hot. Perhaps not Jennifer Anniston hot at 40, but a little more chic/rock chick as I am sporting a lesbian short, Macleans white spiky hair do. I decided to do something quite dramatic once I lost all that weight in October. In my usual fashion, Christmas hit halfway through November and now we are in Feb and I am back to the same weight. However I have a plan, just hatched it.......tonight instead of going to the fridge and grabing the container of wonderfully rich homemade fudge. I intend to leave the container in the fridge and only get one piece at a time, so I have to actually get off me arse in order to get another. For any further hints and tips on dieting and exercise, watch this space!

Now the answer to the question all you fitness guru's want to know, YES I will be posting my fudge recipie soon.

Work is fantastic, although doubting my abilities of late but that is almost a given. I attended an armed defenders call out last night. Very exciting, I cannot tell you anything about it but hell was enough to make a little south island white girl shut up and take inventory of my life and realise I could be the luckiest gal in the world, but apparently us 'white' people think differently, or so I was told last night. Yep different world up here.

It has been one year since I joined the service and this weekend I am away all weekend learning some more skills. I cannot wait!....................nothing to do with leaving the children and domestic duties for a whole two nights and three days........................yahooooo......yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!........................................No really, nothing at all mmmmmphhhhhhhh

As luck would have it, my heart still beats, mouth still works and fingers can still plug a keyboard!

Yes, I know it has been some time but all is well with the world, I now have my computer back and as soon as I can log off from Trade Me(I had severe withdrawls!) I shall be blogging back on a more regular basis.

So stay tuned for some hints and tips on how to be on the bones of your arse and remain there! How to lead an almost normal life with children and not resort to tying them to the clothes line!
One million sausage meat uses and how best to stash a bottle of gin around the house(Nana taught me that one)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Just a quickie,
Yes I made it well and truly through to seven nearly eight days on the diet and wow looking back it was a really hard slog, days just seem to drag for weeks. I am in day 2 of my going off the diet and I have really made a mistake and did not ease back into eating as I should have and I encourage anyone who will do the detox to take the time as your body deserves it.

How am I feeling? Empowered and really proud I could do the detox. I have a load more energy and people keep commenting on how great my skin looks. Weight loss? Who really knows as my scales are so bad that if you move them slightly around the weight really changes so of a morning I would normally move them around the bathroom until I found a happy spot. As luck would go one day after I stop detoxing and start eating I managed to catch the cold that did the round of my house last week. Should I have stopped?

Day seven!

Wow made it to here,

Doing well but blooming hungry still and cannot wait for som food, I think I will end it tomorrow. I am feeling really good. Sat night was a challenge as I had to make treats like sausage rolls for CH's poker night and yesterday he nearly lost an eye over making a Bacon Buttie WHO THE HELL WOULD FRY AND EAT BACON IN FRONT OF A STARVING WOMAN! kamakaze behaviour if you ask me.

My spuddies are up and the cows did not completely ruin the garden so I am a happy girl. The soil has a bit too much clay in it for my liking but we shall see how it goes.

Work tonight. Yehaa

Busy Busy week, but the most exciting is it is time to make my chistmas cakes! So exciting!

Wow Day 5

What a day today was. This morning 5am, put my blooming neck out, the pain was so severe that I could not move it or get to sleep again. CH, bless his cotton socks was most wonderful trying to massage my neck to get it working again while very nearly falling asleep on the job.

7am up and about as I was picking a girlfriend up at 7:30 to go for one hour walk. I was a bit nervous given I am on detox and unsure of energy levels, my neck hurt and there was no way I was putting horrid pain killers in this sacred temple and finally, my arse...........it cannot be trusted to expel wind without a toilet, let alone going for a walk without a toilet.

I also forgot to take toilet paper.

We started our walk, fabulous day up over a mountain with a track that hugged the sea views, the sun was really intense and the smell of the sea and warming sand and clay was just lovely.
Nope still no toilet.

We came across a sign on the track to show our progress and as we had already been going for half and hour, I was very suprised to see 2hrs30min remaining. "YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING?" I spat. As the walk was sold to me as a one hour package but the old bag had screwed with the truth to get us all doing it. Well I could have gone back. Instead I put my big girls pants on and got on as it really was a fabulous day and heck I was childless.

We got within 30min of our destination, awaiting water bottles and a blessed car, when the track just disappeared into the sea. We could see it pick up again on the far side of the bay.

Option 1. We could walk back the way we came.

Now as I was already late as CH knew the walk was to take one hour. I knew he would worry because of my neck and detox. Yep.....you guessed it......no cell coverage.

Option 2. Climb the rocks and cliffs around.

So we did and apart from my blooming sore neck and bitter refusal to leave my water bottle behind it was quite fun. We were walking through and being drenched by the high tide so we took our shoes off and WOW how soft are my feet! It ws blooming painful the sharp rock and shell not to mention we had to judge the waves before we moved and because I was unable to turn my head around, the sound of the waves coming was enough to make you MOVE up that bloody cliff. It is amazing how when you are robbed of one of you sensors how the others just intensify.

But we made it and yes CH was worried and abit pissed at me. Oh well.

BUT the greatest thing was My detox, I still have boundless energy! How cool is that.

Still would really like food. I still have no hunger but just a need for taste. Blasted Jase is having a poker night tonight and I had to get some 'Manfood' What I would have done to have chewed on a Pretzel, and I dislike them. Next I am cooking some sausage rolls....................this may actually kill me.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh tonight one of our neighbours had a BBQ three or four houses away and I swear to you I could smell every individual component of their meal. I said to Jase and one point that they had just put some honey soy chicken pieces on and WHO WOULD DO THAT, SUCH A MESS! and sure enough once they had cooked the teriyaki steak the smell of burning caramel filled the air.

Ideal Christmas Present for the grandparents

A sign in Opotiki!

Day four ALREADY!

Actually slightly more if I think back to my last meal at 6pm Monday!!!!

How am I feeling, really quite good. No more headache, no hunger, still wanting some comfort food and OH MY GOSH I never ever realised how many fast food advertisements were on the telly! YES I STILL WANT THEM.

Salt water not even tough now, I could slurp up 2lts no problem(but I wont)

Downfalls, pimples on my back and much more emotional than usual. A jumped up little cock really upset me at work and all I could do was turn red and try really hard not to cry, rather than ripping him a new arsehole. The worst of it was I was so worked up and I could not let go that it was all I thought about all night so I now have a sore neck and shoulders from the stress. However I got up and did a vitality Pilates work out and feeling much better. Still wanting revenge however.

Hey all those who know me will know this to be truly odd BUT yesterday Jason was gone by 6am in the morning and usually I would love this and take the opportunity to sleep in BUT within 10 minutes of his leaving I was jogging around our postage sized back lawn! I KNOW! ME!

Day two

Here we are, still not hungry but wanting to have a snack just for something to do.

My salt water drink this morning was hard but I put less salt in and it was easier to drink and still had the same result.

I have a slight frontal lobe headache but apart from that all is well, there is a terrible taste in my mouth however that does not seem to vanish when I brush my teeth.

Mood? Great, perhaps a little frayed by horrid children but still studying well with a great positive outlook.

Yahoo 24 hours!

Well I made it tho the 27 hour point with no food and all limbs intact.

I have about one more small glass of my lemon concoction and a laxative teabag to drink before bed.

How am I feeling?
Actually pretty good.
No hunger pangs or stomach pains.
Yes I am starting to get a little hungry but really no different than an hour after food normally!
I have a slight headache but that could be staring for hours at a online course
I am a little cold, particulary my feet but all of this could be caused by the fact I worked nightshift last night and did not have my Nana nap this arvo.

Just reading now about other side effects and one was a foul smelling vaginal discharge! Jase cannot wait for that one and anyway just how do toxins get up my holiest of holies!

The Crew

Here are the gals with their mates on a lovely day in Opotiki, sharing swings, eating fresh berry ice cream out of our own ice cream van and playing all day.

I love our road signs!

Just outside of Whakatane on the way to Opotiki!

Suckered again!

Well no not completely suckered, I guess we have paid for a service but why then do I feel so cheated! $10 for a photo and 10 minute potrait sitting, they said. Cunningly on the back of the voucher for said cheapo photo were packages....................exspensive photo packages. HUH I scoffed, who would fall for that silly little marketing ploy........................................

But they had the packages already printed............................................................and what were they going to do, shred our unused likenesses? Yep suckered, I mean how many photo's of you and your fellow do you need?????..........................well there was the wedding!

The pics look a bit weird, I mean who would expect the email copies of the photo for $175!!!! So I had to take a photo of the photo

I am Detoxing

Well it is here and I started on my lemon detox diet today.

Thus far it is going well except this constant nagging about eating something, not because I am hungry because I assure you I am surprisingly not. It is just the fact I have chosen to do this detox and my bad ass alter ego wants me to fail. That whole cartoon imagery with a little me on either shoulder, one in leather thong and fishnets and the other is in a Choir outfit. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It's a little bit like I have multiple personalities because as much as I am looking forward to the challenge and really want the results the other is telling me to lick the top of the yogurt when I open it for my Children or scoff a biccie before my eyes see it.........BE GONE YOU VENOMOUS WITCH, YES, YOU! IN THE FISHNETS WITH YOUR MUFFIN SPILLING OVER THE TOP.......OF ALL PEOPLE YOU SHOULD BE IN LINE WITH THIS! NO MIRRORS IN EVIL CONSCIENCE LAND!

This morning was terrible and the only bit about the whole diet I was scared of came true with much more horrific clarity than I could have imagined. Drinking warm salty water. Honestly it would be easier drinking a big cupful of some strangers freshly wanked sperm. That is how bad it is.

It is not natural to drink warm salty water, even less natural for it to be a whole darn litre! I just could not do it. I had really convinced myself than it would not be as bad, but upon first mouthful I my eyes watered and I fought desperately not to vomit. I managed about 800mls and that was it. I tried everything, little sips, hold your nose but since the tongue just absorbs salt there is no fooling it, in the end I had to sneak up on the glass while doing bits of house work and even then I was dry retching and had to be close to the sink.

Honestly I did not think it would work but within half an hour of being in my system the floodgates opened, no pain like laxatives just WHOOOSH. The leaflet said it was "effective" and they were not wrong.

Well next test of stamina is dinner time!

A & P Show

What a great day I had on saturday, I and some of my fellow St Johns members ran a scenario of two car crashes, Firemen cutting and ripping the tops of cars to get out blood soaked and injured patients and all to be patched and whisked off to hospital and airlifted by helicpter. What a fab time, great training as we do not have too many mulitple car accidents. Great turn out to watch, I have no idea where the crowd come from but the just appeared everything we had a scenario, great community spirit.

I unfortunately was not looking so attractive in my full protective gear, including god awful heavy helmet with visor BUT with so much glass flying about I was indeed thankful.

Thus far the garden has not been going completely smoothly, I have so far Planted Three types of potato, Swift, so we can have spudes for xmas, Maras Anchor, because I never have and Heather the most lovely flavour of all the spuddies. Then a digger ran them over!

I have also planted corn. Then the bastard cows got into the paddock a had a good ole hoe down party in said garden. Arghhhhhhhhhhh

Nevermind I shall drive out and inspect the damage tomorrow.

I also have planted seeds in my hot house made from Pegs, plastic, sting and a wire clothes horse. City lights silver beet, basil, mint, courgettes, pumpkin, six types of cherry toms and some marrigold for pest control. So far a week on the silverbeet has peeped through, one tomato and a courgette! Where are my pumpkins, I saved the seeds from this most amazing pumpkin years ago and am beginning to think that there was more too it than just planting them. SHould I have broken the outside shell? Who knows.

Rejoice, we had our first strawberry yesterday from our herb garden, cut into quarters but it was just delicious and the essential taste of summer

Hopefully we will somehow work out how to get water there this week.

Priority One, lights ans sirens please

Well although my blog appears normal but you are now reading the blog of a fully trained Ambulance driver! What no ear drum shattering applause!!

I am rapt, I was so very nervous, terrified of failiure that I did not even let you know I was going on a course. How silly of me but you all know what a swotty geek I am and this was something I could study very little for but still I was tied up in knots and cringeing at the mere thought. But I passed with flying colours and can now officially drive with lights and sirens going. Really fantastic course, my favourite bit of all was learning what ABS braking was like and how it would feel in a situation where you were going at speed and you had to stop in a heck of a hurry. What an amazing tool as I have this fear of having an accident and the brakes "lock up" although I have not a clue what this means but because it is bandied about willy nilly and usually combined with a frightful look, I gather it is not a good thing. Well this ABS braking eliminates all of that but although not so good for drifting around corners. Sadly I think I have discovered my inner car girl as I was wonderfully alive and high on life for the entirety of the braking and speed exercises, just giggling my way through it all. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMmmmmmmmmmm

Living the good life again

Oh did I tell you what I spent Sunday doing? Bum up and head down pulling weeds I tell you! We have got a friend with a lifestyle block just sitting there so we have embarked on a garden to feed our family, fantastic!

Lemon detox a GOOOOOOOO well at least in a week or two after I have eaten a few things

I worked last night and it was my worst night ever. No, I was not face to face with with death and horrid accidents. I was simply incompetent. I have never made so many foolish mistakes in the history of my life and kept blundering from one to another and everytime staring blankly in complete wonder at my total bulls up.

Do not fret it was not life or death stuff but I was a ditz and finding my shortfalls really hard to cope with today. How foolish but hell what a fright, have I suddenly turned into a airhead? More importantly do the big boobs and blonde hair come with it?

Actually I think the latter does. I threw a big wobbly at my hair about a month ago and vowed and declared to lob the mess off once and for all. A month on I still feel the same so I have decided to give it another month and allow to grow as much of the ratshit colour out then shave it off and dye the rest blonde. I am so very sick of dying my hair dark only to awake a day or so later with buggery grey bits poking through. I know, I know being a blonde is hardly going to magic away my silver threads but in the very least I hope to disguise it more. Besides it will be the shortest hair I will have ever had and to be truthful I cannot imagine it to look that good as I am all old and warty with a massive head but still I feel like doing it. Yes you are right, perhaps my senses have taken leave.

Lordy I have also been real bad again and just spent more money on a detox diet.. Yes my latest thing as I feel so very crap and have decided that with my new exercise plan that I need something else, a clean slate perhaps. So I have purchase the "lemon diet detox" and I will explain the process later but for now if I can just believe the claims made I will be feeling amazing within seven days of the detox and really really wanting that. I shall keep you posted.

Off to do an Ambulance driving course/test this weekend and given last nights performance.....................................I am shitting my pants......argh........breathe..........

What we had for dinner last night

Lamb steaks on a bed of garlic and lemon sauteed spinach, drizzled with a Tahini sauce and served with a lovely Morrocan lentil and rice pilaf.
Lovely

I also made Cherry, Coconut, white chocolate and cream cheese muffins, sounds good but dissapointing really

Give me strength

I well and truly fell off the wagon yesterday, I had Chocolate Cake, coke, chips, Burger king's new burger(which I enjoyed) a snickers bar and about 12 Cadbury's Roses Chocolates(give or take a few as it was a bit of a feeding frenzy) and to be honest I feel like repeating the process today accept I would get some higher quality chocolates...........................Now there is an Idea

Hmmn, just in case you were wondering what my children would look like if they look like their daddy

Women are amazing

Apart from the fact I am too much of a bitch, really like men, love make up and the thought of going down of a woman's fishy hairy bits repulsive I reckon I would make a great lesbian.

We just had one of our gals nights out on tues night and it was the usual story I was looking for a way out within seconds of getting the invite and really would have rather stayed home in my skody dressing gown being spooned my CH watching crappy telly. I am so glad I went as I am surrounded by the coolest bunch of ladies, all amazing with skills I would love to emulate. It was such a fantastic night, we laughed non stop for hours, HAD PUDDING, HAD WINE and talked about the most ridiculous things from New Zealand Modern history, to chocolate bar flavours in England(yes I will be futher investigating this one). It is honestly just amazing to get about with a group of people that really are at a similar time and place as you and all seem to be the full quid. Encouraging really.

The pain the pain

I swear to you that this is the gods honest truth.

I have been walking every day for the last five days!!!!!!!!

I KNOW!!!!!! its hysterical but this is the most exercise I have done in my adult life and I am a bit chuffed(and chaffed) with myself actually.

We have yet another house guest here and I took her out for a walk to join us and I thought we were going to have to carry her at one point, but on the upside while she was as red as a berry and on the point of collapse I was jogging on the spot. Man she must have been really hating me at that moment but the point being that just a few short weeks ago that exploding tomato face was me and my my I have improved.

I still cannot claim to be enjoying the whole exercise thing but it is really impacting on my life. As you all know, one of my joys in life is my afternoon(or whenever I can) 'Nana Naps' Geez I just love them and keep trying to find new and interesting excuses to have them. This week however I could not. Now I really really did try and have put the hard yards in to get myself into dribbling slumber but without success. Hell I even pulled the curtains one day and even on the day I really needed sleep as I worked the night shift Monday night. I just could'nt! I really do seem to have much more energy, perhaps exercise is not evil after all................!!?#!? did I just type that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........perhaps aliens really have taken over my body. That could actually explain alot.

Rain of the Children

I am quite this morning, a little lost in my own thoughts and more than comfortable with it

After waiting months to see this lastest Vincent Ward offering I finally got to go last night. What an experience, it was visually amazing with many scenes that squeezed your heart and tightened your chest and made it impossible to breathe with the only possible relief was to let the tears flow and hope the person sitting next to you has the manners to ignore you entirely.

I urge you all to go, as I am sure it is the best telling of some of our more recent history, It certainly will not answer your questions but will peak your curiosity and urge you to seek knowlege. I loved seeing Puhi footage from the original doco, to see how she moved and the words chose and her polished leather skin. I really liked her son Niki and I am sure if he was around now he would be the most amazing man to speak with. He was something special, and for the sake of his family I am glad they can now be proud rather than just not mention him. I am not sure it will translate as well on DVD, this is something you must see on the big screen.

Oh Puhi and to all your lost children my thoughts are with you today.

Well I have a new badge to sew on my parental brownie smock!

Today we ventured into the unknown territory of 'Family Potraits' Many of our friends have well travelled this path and the fruits of their labour grace their wall, but today was a first for us and it was blooming horrible.

In fact I cannot even discuss it as the flash backs are too much but here are is the short version,

Sleepless night wondering what to wear.
A whole morning changing my mind.
Putting makeup on for the first time in ages and feeling like a $5 hooker
Pops screaming, picking her nose or finger in her ear digging
Ella with the cheesiest pose
Bribery with Ice cream

All this for a ten minute sitting and a $10 photo and then they will charge you hundreds of $ to get more photos

I know you will find this near on impossible to believe BUT out of the last seven days I have exercised for four of them! Yes and next the seas will be boiling and plagues of locusts will strip your crops!

I must admit my motivation for getting out of the house as I realised something quite important last week. I have very limited patients for sick people, even those I love more than life itself. Quite an epiphany really as this is coming from someone who really thought Nursing would be a great career choice.

It has been a hell of a couple of weeks with poor Ella getting a bilateral Tonsillectomy/adnoid/grommets and the poor lil bugger is still in pain but constantly jacked up on Strawberry pamol. I think she has a problem and we are going to have to go cold turkey on the sweetened syrup. Mind you if you listen to the lastest media releases she should perhaps not have it anyway. Both my children have had pamol since their first immunisation as directed by the doctor and both have Asthma.

The scary part is that her attitude is so very bad I came within a hares breath of headbutting her when she was throwing a Oscar winning giant tantrum in my arms! Scary stuff! Next I will be cutting off CH’s Bullocks for leaving the toilet seat up!

But as horribly tough this past fortnight has been it has been really amazing to watch my little girls world open up and see her face light up when she hears something she has never heard before like an air plane flying over head or gravel hitting under the car on a road, weird things that we all take for granted but are just magic for her.

So begins another week, once again we will have an extra guest in our home to take care of, I need to study and for the love of god I need to learn to back the Ambo using only mirrors I JUST CANNOT SEEM TO DO IT WITHOUT TURNING AROUND! I also need to see the latest Vincent Ward flick but it is only here for one week and who can I con to go with me. I will also endeavour to exercise some more and eat more vegetables, contemplate more on my latest idea of shaving my head and come up with new and interesting ways to squeeze more time into my day.

Best thing since baby wipes!

I cannot believe what a dork I have been for all these years. Mother's everywhere proclaimed and rejoiced of the power of Phenergan. I of course sitting upon my white steed of Mummy purity could do nothing but cast disaproving looks in their direction. Not to mention the distaste I felt when going to the pharmacy looking for a carsickness remedy and finding my only option for a three year old was to drug them!

Marvellous stuff, I cannot believe I took so long and put up with so much carsickness and near divorce brought on by crying children and long journeys. It turned a nine hour, god forsaken car ride into a six and a half hour joy ride! Words cannot explain but get ye to your local pharmacy and purchase, although it is not reccomended for the under two, but in days of old it was and I used it on pops who is not quite two and what a difference! I am thinking of having a swig or two myself!

“Look at my arse!”
“My dad is a dick”
“When is your hair going to fall out like grandad’s?”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP”
“She’s a big one!” (at the supermarket commenting on people)
“I want to be FAT, I want to be FAT!” (again at the supermarket and aimed at said people)
“Why should I?”

Just a small sample of the many new phrases Ella seems to have picked up on her holiday.

Oh the next week or two are going to be hell as whilst we were away this child was showered in sugar and bathed in lemonade, allowed to run riot and completely forgot all the manners I have taught her. Oh she was a clever bunny and fully realised I could do didly sqat to punish her while the granparents were around and she lorded it over me whenever she could. You gotta admire the stones on her really.

Poor girl, as much as she is testing my patients she really is a deaf as a post and serving a brilliantly well thought of telling off is just not the same when you expect tears at the finish and all you get is “What?” or “Huh?” It has just lost its sting by then.

Thinking about doing some sort of reward/sticker/sparkly bead/marble behaviour modifier......................................yes............... armpits growing hairy and preparing to hug trees as you read.

Home at last, 4kg’s heavier and significantly more warty but home none the less. It has been one heck of a trip really and I do intend to bore you all with descriptions of all the WC’s from Whakatane to Ashburton. Including Ella’s most favourite toilet and also her top ten choice in fabric to be carsick on.

But right now I must take my leave and rest my travel weary self and for the first time in two in a half weeks not share my bed with one of my snoring farty children.

Helllllooooooooooooooo

Haaah! thought I had left blog world in favour of afternoon dates with Jeremy Kyle, did you?
Well because of your 'glass is half full attitude' you are rewarded by your persistence and here is a the next exciting installment of the life according to me.

Hush.....................calm yourself and allow to walk in my shoes for a couple of moments.

Last month was pretty blooming horrid, day after day of children. Unfortunately mine. Unrelentless battles with the sole running of the house, hills....nay MOUNTAINS of laundry and no CH to fold them. I absolutely detest folding washing and with CH being away for nearly two months it really bites. I even tried to ignore the mountain on the couch and hoped I could leave it long enough for CH to come home and work his magic on the weekends. Sigh it would have worked but I felt guilty.

I really was doing exceptionally well with this sole parenting gig and was beginning to enjoy it. I also was fast approaching that oh so dangerous territory of self relience and getting all Alpha figure on poor CH when he came home for weekends.

Last week however I was feeling a little under appreciated, it had been a hard one. Ella's hearing has got really poor and god bless her cotton socks it is not her fault but hell it makes for a long day, I was also gagging to be out of the house working for people other than my children and needing to worry about someone else's problems for a change and was very aware that it was because of CH that I could not go. Oh yes I realise things cannot change and it is a short term thing but feck I am not a saint and realised I was about to loose my rag. My fault really, I chose to have a "talk" to CH while he had MAN FLU, by all accounts it would have killed a normal man. Anyhoo I prattled on and saw that oh so familar clouded blank look and got nil result. I then cursed myself on the timing, he had been busy and was unwell, how selfish am I.

Thursday I finally broke. Totally unplanned. Feck it we are not exactly flush but I deserve it and I decided that I was going to buy a pair of boots I had been wanting for a year. I found this fantastic pair of red ankle boots, on sale. Hmmn not what I came in for. I was also skeptical on the longevity of ankle boots, they were a great price. SOLD.

I spotted a brown pair of tall leather and suede combination, again not what I came in for, but they fitted so well and looked great.........they were on sale, under half price SOLD

Found them! A pair of tall black boots with a sturdy but still unsensible heel, I finally found what I went shopping for SOLD

Now by my calculation by buying three pairs of boots in a huge sale, I had saved CH $400. Well thats money in the bank really.................................so with it I bought two new skirts, new eye shadow and a lovely mascara.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph......................I have been a bad bad girl and was feeling somewhere between giggling school girl and fuck I spent this months grocery money. Cringe

Surprisingly all my previous 'woe is me' was gone and was replaced with the realisation than CH was going to rip me a new one. I had done wrong, deserved a bullocking.

I came clean Via text. Ahhh modern convienience I knew he could not call as he was in meetings. Should ever I need to admit to adultery this would be my choosen method, hey I could even add a picture if words were not clear enough. Second thoughts the phone camera is pretty harsh, terrible lighting.......

Anyway he just laughed. Crisis Averted! Phew.

Now I mentioned Ella earlier and am pleased to tell you that on September 10th she finally gets her ears operated on and will hear properly. Apparently now she hears the equivelent of listening underwater. I am pleased, but as I had the same operation at the same age and I still remember the pain vividly. I am nervous for her. Her world is just going to bloom and as her mouth goes full speed now I am almost in fear! She is so funny at the moment and is getting quite adept at taking the piss. I have no idea why I am suprised, looking at her parents.

Pops, well what can I say she is just as lovely as she is naughty. She is such an old soul and forever amazes me at the moment my favourite thing is the way she thanks me for things that do not require thanks, like tonight she had a couple of eczema patches on her thigh so I got some cream and rubbed them on, once I had finished she looked me straight in the eye and said a heartfelt, Thankyou.

It is not an excuse but I shall not be entering any more blogs for a couple of weeks, no not because I am "busy" or lazy it is the simple fact I will gallavanting around NZ. So take care everyone, all is well. No I am not slim as treadmill and diet stopped. We can start again later.

Yes, it has been awhile.
Yes, I have fallen off the old exercise wagon, try as I might to listen to your words of wisdom and coaching, I still chucked it in. Three weeks of busting my ass on the treadmill, coupled with watching what I ate and still not a kilo lost of waist to be found anywhere! I EVEN ATE CARROT STICKS!!!!!! I FRICKEN HATE CARROT STICKS!

However this week starts afresh, with new energy and determination. Plus I have one hell of a detox to do as it a weekend of gluttony, drinking and ciggarettes. You all know that these days I am a cheap date and can giggle on the smell of a bar cloth. This weekend myself and a couple of gal pals decided to cut the cord, ditch our phones and disappear in to a bottle of wine or two over lunch. We were expected home about 3ish.

What a lovely day, you expect that when you go out with a group of gals to have fun but essentially spending a extended amount of time with people you only ever see for an hour or two could get a bit stale and forced. No such luck here ladies we just chatted and drunk and laughed until we nearly peed our panties for nine hours! It was so much fun and a real chance to blow off steam and the cool thing was very little of our children was spoken, it was just fab to find out more about each other and break to 'Mummy mould'

However I drunk far too much and by 1am I was remembering why I did not drink often and to rub salt into the woulds my darling eldest had a terrible high temp and I had to sleep with her yelling random phrases like "I want jam and marmite!" "NOOOOOOOOO Poppy dont hit me!" all the while the room was spinning.

To make matters worse CH seemed to have the pip with me all the next day which of course I took Oh so well.......................................................................We are screwed really, we get shirty at them for calling and asking stupid questions or if we check on them and they are panicking we get grumpy and even if they are cool with everything the entire next day we still feel guilty and just look for any innuendo or double meaning to jump on. Sigh. We will grow up one day.

I cannot believe it I have put on one kg! Why did I ever start dieting?
I am stunned................................................speechless

Alright, It has been eight days since I have started my new exercise regieme. I have been on the treadmill for five of those days and eaten healthy for two of them. I can honestly say I have worked hard and sweated so much that the first time it happened my scalp got really itchy and prickly and I suddenly remebered that Ella had brought a letter home from daycare about a lice infestation.............................................I was imagining my hair alive with little crayfish!

Anyhoo, I have stood on the scales every fricken day and the bastard still goes up.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

I am sure I could have continued sitting on my arse shoveling packets of choc delights into my gob and still had this result. If any of you are chatting to god in the next wee while, please mention I love his sense of mirth but would he consider a reward based incentive scheme, just to see the little arrow move down every once and a while would be grand.

I am such an over anxious dork. I cannot help it as the protective she wolf in me was heightened this week. There is this chap who works for the same company as CH and the long story short the fellow has some issues that have included crying for hours down the end of the phone or in person to CH about the stress of work, he needed help, we all have encouraged and been there for him for months. He had a bad time a month or two and spoke of how he wanted to end his life. From that point I felt like he was unpredictable and no longer comfortable alone with him. His work put him on stress leave and took him to someone to talk to and tried to make things better but alas his work ethics got so much worse and they have let him go. Before they did this they got his councillors opinion on what his stability was like and how he would handle such an event.

Well luckily CH was not involved in the decision or implementation but as you can imagine it did not go well and now he has threatened the life of not only himself but my husband and a few others.

As soon as I heard this was happening I was worried and now that this chap has threatening behaviour I am even more worried. So tonight I even double checked the locks. How silly is that? The worst part is of how quickly all these bad thoughts came into my head and the thought process behind what I would do if I had nothing to loose a score to settle. Geez sometimes I scare myself and thank god I am not a psycho serial killer as I would never get caught! But that got me to thinking at what point in our life is the decision made to be good or evil?

Of course we have all done some unspeakable things, be them minor or major and mostly all learning curves and that does not mean we are bad. When is all lost?

That case this week in Australia about the grandfather murdering his wife and grandchildren with an axe, was disturbing. Wrong on so many levels. The man must have been fundamentally broken, put together wrong. How? I cannot comprehend.

In some ways I am also relieved that this case had an effect. So often these days we are flooded with a smorgasbord of rape, murder, famine and disaster we yawn and continue with our day. So desensitised. I am so bad that I am watching a TV programme (DEXTER) and on the show the character is a serial killer and the is another serial killer and I like them both and want them to team up! Can you believe that! OK so it is only a programme but hell liking the main character who moonlights as a serial killer, that is just wrong!

Catch!

Gosh darn it I was within a hare's breath of delivering a baby into our world on my last shift, Contactions 4 mins apart by the time we got to her and we were 20minutes away, I was sooooooo excited but foiled again as we managed to get said patient to the delivery suite before she delivered.

Apparently I will not be so keen once I have cleaned up the Ambulance after a baby arrives......................................................nahh still keen

And the fab wife award goes to.............................

Last week CH had his first meeting as the great big boss of everyone. He spent days on his presentation and powerpoint.

Unfortunately his laptop died and he had to borrow our home laptop to run the presentation on the projection screen.

He opened 'Documents' then clicked on the 'Jason' folder and on the huge fuck off screen popped up two folders one 'Managers Meeting' the other '100 sex mistakes'

OMG!!!!! Months earlier I had downloaded the file for a joke and had not got rid of it (I mean he might have read it and I would have been the benificiary!)

Yes as you can imagine my name is a bit muddy at present.

Mummy has a big fat arse do daaa do daaaaa

Well the shite hit the fan today ladies, I went to get dressed this morning and admittedly my wardrobe has shrunk dramatically in the last couple of months but this morning I was given little choice but to wear CH's fricken jeans!(camera pans left to a running hippo in slow motion)

Luckily I have hit the treadmill three times this week, which is exactly tree times more than I have ever done before. I have also done three mornings of abdominal exercises and so far the last three times I have weighed myself today I am heavier than when I started this while damn crusade.

Yes yes I know all the crap and next week I will stop eating a packet of mint slices for a TV snack.

Ok all you Yummy Mummy's out there listen up.

At my last gal pal get together I was told about this child Phsychologist, I forget his name, Winnacot I think but that is besides the point and this is what counts.

Ask yourself are you a Good Enough Mother?

Yes, is the answer! Of course you are even on your worst day you are a Good Enough Mother.

Why? well his theory was this, if you think about it, being a Good mother may not be the best thing for your child, being the Super Mum who does everything with their offspring, anticipates every need and helps overcome every trial and points to a clear way on how to behave and think is doing little to promote free thinking, problem solving, imagination, creating personality except moulding little mini me's. Besides we are not our childrens personal entertainment centre, I would go batty!

In this day in age with all the pressure we have to raise our children and all the second guessing and what if's that follow us to bed at night. We need to relax and realise we turned out just fine and my Parents favourite parenting method was yelling "Get out there and play and be back by the time the street lights turn on" Imagine saying that? Christ I nearly get heart palpitations just thinking about it. OK so I may not get so realxed anytime soon to do that but I am more than comfortable with saying "I am a good enough Mother!"

Oh Miss Three is growing up as this is proof she has left her balloon and clown phobia with her Nappies.

ENOUGH!

My horrific and gluttonous eating habits have finally been given their leave. This weekend after a run in with several creamed lamingtons I weighed myself. I knew it was getting bad as I have little winter clothes that do not cut of circulation. I have managed to get right back to 75kgs, that means I have put on 4kgs since Feb. Bugger it.

Today starts a new lifestyle change, I got up at 6.30am and walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes then did 30 Ab King crunches and followed with a dairy free spiralina/flaxseed and fruit packed smoothie. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I actually felt really good after except I hate to sweat and as I was sweating I was getting itchy especially my scalp, then I started thinking LICE! I have never had lice but Ella's daycare has just had an outbreak. WHAT IF IT WAS LICE! I did however manage to rise above and resist getting CH to have a look for cooties as that would have just added to my femme fatale.

It is currently 9am, I have showered and tidied up the breakfast dishes and am about to get the house in some sort of order. Problem.............I am knackered and feel like a nap. Such a pathetic amount of exercise, what an unfit gimp.

All is not completely bad on the ole figure front Miss Three yesterday declared that her Mummy had great boobies................................obviously her taste in irrefutably fantastic but I must say that 'love is blind' and if only I can get her to say 'Mummy you look fantastic!'

Crap I am yawning so I had best get up and get going before I convince myself a nap is justified
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lordy sometimes I know I am prone to being a wee bit OCD but for the love of god I am beginning to think I am not OCD enough. One of my fears is being trapped with my family in a car that is submerging, you know the stuff of nightmares. I am often caught thinking worst case scenario and how to get out of those tight spots. I do not thinkof it as a morbid anxiety building pass time but more as a seeker of knowledge.

I almost thought I had at least stopped thinking about this until it happened and killed someone I knew this week. Luckily I had only met her the once but I have friend who knew her well and I cannot seem to stop thinking of the events as they may or may not have unfolded. It is haunting me.

There is some good information on the Mythbusters sight but I need more investigation, apparently there is a tool for your glovebox for smashing windows and cutting seat belts, oh crap I know its a little silly but I just have to source them

knock knock

Hey this will make you laugh, Me, myself and I have decided to write a book!

GASP.................But you cannot spell!.........is it in English or your first language?

Yeah I know, but I feel it coming and hell why not. I thought the first one should be about what I know and that is not about being a parent, so I am clinging to what little I remember of my youth and writing of my OE. If at the very worst I will have got it all down on paper and have it to remind me of life before children.

As you all know I work on the back of an Ambulance..........................for free........to help others and my community and as I am the type of geek who takes immense joy from helping others and it really makes me feel good about myself.

I was desperate to get out of the house so I worked Sat night, I still had bung eye, looked like shite but thought I would just keep them clean and get on with it. Pager went off about 4am, bounced out the door and went to deal with this fellow and while cureing his ills, it came up I had children and he said 'Wow, you have children, you do not look old enough too (by this stage I was beaming) and besides you do not have a............oh no dont worry" You see that wee gap, that unfinished sentance, well I will tell you what the bugger did just before he said "oh no dont worry" the bugger looked at my lower belly.

Oh gosh I know, I bleat all the time about being a porker while yet I shove some other delicious morsel in my gob. I am nearly at rock bottom and I am thinking of getting a piece of exercise equipment! I know a bit rash and will most likely live out its days as a place to dry my towel, but I have hope, just a little low on will power.

It has to happen as I am a prime candidate for a heart attack or late onset diabeties and blooming heck I want to giggle with my great grand kids and be buggered if I will have that taken. Although with my commitment to doing pelvic floors I will be wearing a nappy when giggling with my great grand children.

I will go for a walk tomorrow!

Be alert as lerts are hard to find these days

If there was a little red button next to the bottle of gin in the 'Break in case of emergency' box, I do believe I would have pushed it.

Ladies I have broken the cardinal rule "use in times of need" and let my children watch endless Television over the last week or so.

I know I got greedy. It was just too easy. I normally was only a user for good, like cooking tea or showering alone and over the past week while having everything but bubonic plague it became part of the day while I hid in my room. It's ok I always left them with an open packet of chips and bottle coke each(hey worked for dad................while I sat in the car for hours...... dont panic he opened the window!)

Now today back to life normal and the TV has lost its magic and the children can no longer be trusted to be glued to the mat for the Go Show. They have started ignoring it and nothing is safe, new and inventive ways to foil my day, I have had to child lock almost everything. It is a constant battle, Pops is like a tasmanian devil on crack and running about from crime to crime, anything with a switch is turned, anything with a hole is filled, anything parts is operated on, It is almost time to turn all power off at the mains before I shower or go to the loo!

I may have to play a bit of bad cop and put the girls on no supply for awhile. The Eldest called my bluff this morning, I asked her to put something in her bedroom and she said "I dont feel like it" so I said "Well I do not feel like letting you watch the telly then as it is only for good girls"

The little bugger went up to the telly and turned it off!

She has also started putting 'Bloody' in front of most words, luckily with her speech its sound like 'flubby'............................yes I am currently chewing of soap as I write

I have been housebound with only my children for company this week and quite frankly, I am left wanting.

Words cannot explain how much I love my children but today I am all liked out. Constant whining, whingeing and having to listen to squealing, brawling, tale telling, sulking, tanties, room destroying, washing making, little evil shites.

As luck would have it, this morn I found I too awoke with crusty eyes and eyelashes glued to the pillow.

Ella was sweet, she looked at me and said "Oh Mama your eyes are hurt.......... NOW WHERE IS MY BREAKFAST!!!!"

I was bitten by my own poor parenting skills this morning.

Yesterday I told Ella I was sick of all the whingeing she was doing.

Today............................................

Me: What would you like on your toast today Ella?
E: Oh Honey thanks Mama
Me: OK then Honey it is, are your sure?
E: Yep
I then make and give her Honey on Toast
E: ARGHHHHHH I WANTED JAM!!!!!!!
Me: You got what you asked for and you will not waste it, there is no more!
E: I AM SICK OF YOU MAMA!

Then later,
Me: Honey why did you eat all of Poppy's morning tea?
E: She was going to waste it Mama!

I think I should just leave the pantry open and go to bed and wake up to a new day tomorrow.

The Gals updated

Oh dear it has been awhile.

Here is the drive in version of the month just gone.

Fashion TV is back, I am a happy girl!
Working on the back of the Ambo in a uniform now.........in fact the worse one known to man and it is no exageration to says overalls would be more flattering.
Doing courses willy nilly.
CH turned 37 and we went out for a fabulous meal, sadly not alone as the choice was eat out alone cheaply or get CH's boss to pay for stupidly exspensive meal, we chose the latter.
Learned to love fejoa's
Made a dress for Ella!
Ranted and raved alot about our media, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Baked huge amounts of goodies.
Spent a week in Wellington with the girls cousins, Aunts,uncles,nans, trains, planes, buses, zoo, mall, goats, Jim the dog, arse the cat and off spring eating fish!
I put my neck out!
Mothers day, Ella chose, I got a soap and a flannel! guess I am cutting the clean freaks pocket money, but CH got me a necklace and it was my wish for him to bake sticky date pud and he did and it was amazing! The best present.
The girls have BUNG eyes and look like pus ridden prize fighters.
Put on 3kgs! ohh I am rapt as she stuffs yet another choc in!
Got obsessed about a fizzy sherbert lolly I found in a easter egg, tracked down supplier and before you know it 2kgs arrive on my door step.
Waited for the budget 2008 lolly scramble and yes pretty happy and still strongly disliking John Keys.
Had a night out with Jase and his work, hated it! Yawn
Ohhhh bought half a cow and we have the mother load of delicious beef, no more manky plastic tasting chicken for this gal!

I think I now know where those three kgs came from.

Is there anyone else out there struggling to feed the family without going in to debt?

OK so we do not exactly have a cow shitting money in our back yard but for a one income family I consider our wage should be good enough to eat well and have takeaways once a week and perhaps do something with the family in the weekend. We are finding it really hard.

I would understand it I had something new in my wardrobe every week or CH lagered up every weekend, but in reality I am lucky to get a new out fit twice a year.

Sure, if we ate only sausages and frozen mixed vege and fizz instead of milk we could indeed be living the life of Riley. You may as well garotte me now. I love whole foods, fresh vege and good meat, quality dairy products and fantastic bread. This week I bought the cheapest whitest bread money could buy and it is just disgusting.

What can I do?

I love what I heard today about a petition dropping the GST on food shopping, this is a fantastic idea as I had no idea NZ is one of only a few countries who tax food the same amount as everything else. If you see this sign it and see what you can do.

Also here is a great tip if you have two vegie bins,

Keep one for last weeks fruit and vege and one for the lates shopping so to ensure there is no wastage and to eat you lush fruit and vegies in their prime. It works!

New Zealand Reporters are not fit to work for Englands 'The Sun'

How many times do I have to put myself on a media ban! You arsewipe, gutter sledging incompetent journo's have once again forced me to rip the plug out of the TV and radio in fear of being infected with your bottom feeding sludge for brains drivel.

I am once again over your under reporting of world events and your voyeuristic pedantic peddling of disgusting imagery involving sexual abuse and murder. I have no need to know the details that seem to be plasted over the digital frequency. Horrid details that serve no purpose other than to disrespect the victims memory, cause pain to the family and to desensitise the act through repetition.

I am not buying another NZ newspaper or listening to another NZ news on the television, I am indeed investing all my money on a friggin Woman's Day because it is a far better read and I hate magazines! Time, Empire and Q excluded. All I can say as Praise the lord for Jim Moira and honest to goodness old fashioned values. My lord I sound so old and warty.

Things I have learnt this week

Nappy lining is almost the worst thing to clean up.

Yes tis true, who knew, but really why would you need to? My youngest was a little bored this week and trying in vain to occupy herself when she decided to unstuff her Nappy. How?
Well first you piss more than the average elephant in a nappy then rip a hole in the front of said nappy then reach in and grab the swollen now urine flavoured gel and proceed to rub it into as many sufaces as possible, including all through her sisters bed and showering all her soft toys. This gel like substance looked like hundreds of jellyfish had exploded.



Always check you have wipes and always choose a pushchair.

Poppy was being gorgeous so I was feeling the love and in the mood for cuddles. Foolishly, I choose to carry her to the park and because of that I decided that it was not far and I would leave my cumbersome bag in the car. Off we went through town, looking at the shops, has a lovely play and as we left the park her arse exploded. Shit from here to friggin Africa. Brown bum sludge dripping, all over my arms, down my clothes and as luck would have it I had to walk through town back to the car, stinking and noticeably covered in shite. Ella of course had perfect timing as she dropped a tanty bomb...........................................................



When you are an empathy sponge, do not watch a doco on friends sister's murdered baby!

CH told me not to watch it but still I asked him to tape it for me as I was training that night. It took me until Thurs to get up the strength to watch it. I had just worked the whole nightshift on the previous night so I was knackered and I thought I would watch it quickly and then bugger off for a kip. Hell it was only 20mins long and for the entire programme I just streamed tears and continued to sob for the next two hours so much so I had to go and see my babies while they slept, even typing now I am starting to get a bit weepy. Chick personified.



Thai Thai brand Frozen meal (Green curry with prawns) is fantastic!

Ok yes it is true I do live in a place where the Thai food is really not good, so it could be said that my standards have lowered due to necessity but I assure you my tastebuds have not taken leave and that the above meal was lovely. I cannot remember praising pre packaged meals before so it comes as a shock even to me. The rice could have come straight from a rice cooker, prawns were succulent and sweet, two types of authentic thai eggplant, fabulous flavour.

I am simply amazed.

Nigel Latter

What a funny fecker he is!

Should you get the opportunity to go to one of his R rated "Unpolitically correct parenting show"
then do not dilly dally. This show was piss your pants funny and given the length of the show and how many Mum's there, it is a wonder it was not a wash out.

Tonight Ella at the supermarket said to me "My goodness that lady has beautiful big boobies"

CH has much to answer for

Gotta go, Kill Bill 1 is on and god I love it

Thankfully back to serious matters. It has just been bought to my attention that I once again have been missing out on something other than my vegetables.

A wonderful sweet Dutch treat(much like my Eefje) Brand, Marandi - chocolate covered soft nougat in Rum and Raisin flavour. Make fast tracks down to your local deli or gourmet market, Don't question me, you need this to happen!

I also have just discovered the coolest poster site, allposters.com.au. You will spend hours there finding the perfect poster for upcoming birthdays, I am planning to get some mounted for a most thoughtful, one off piece of artwork................................unless you buggers buy the same posters.........................................................................................Terrible site, you would just hate it, what a waste of time...............................

Right I am off to have a bit of alone time, a book, choc and a quite place to hide from children. God bless their cotton socks for still sleeping in the avo. I am so lucky and I know it.

I know I have told you about my mother before, the lady with a belch for every occaision. Before a meal, after a meal.......................halfway through a sentence...................you get it.

It used to really grot me. Old person disese. Disgusting habit letting out these bottom of the gut roars. I had just never felt the need as I have never really Burped, little mouth closed ones was as loud as it got. I just suspected my manners were better, of course.

Oh how wrong I was.

My last stomach virus left me with something other than nasty spatters, I now can BURP. Big loud ones! HUGE long ones lasting seconds with at least four note changes that actually make me feel better. I am 32 and have been missing out for previously said years.

I have been gloriously a belching and a burping for a couple of weeks now, keeping it all to myself and giggling foolishly at the more vocal ones.

It is becoming a nasty habit and it is only a matter of time before my new found talent makes a public appearence.

Hey normal people, how the hell do you stop burping? Well I am off to drink a can of fizz through a straw, fabulous !

Gisborne

Would you believe Gisborne has shops, really good shops, the type of stores that paste your face with a look of wonder and rekindle those wants and desires long lost due to mind numbing creatively challenged shops.

Food, have I mentioned the fooooooooood? Gisborne has food, wonderful gourmet delights of every genre from Oysters served with raspberry and champagne foam to Burger Wisconson and charcoal chicken.

Earthquakes!!!!!!!!!!!! did I mention those????????? lordy, months after they event the cracks and damage are still severe and almost everwhere you looked in the hotel there was evidence and every creak and moan of the elevator gave me the willies going to our hotel room.

The girls and I spent three days looking around the place and dining on the company for brekkie, lunch and dinner, cruising around the shops and meandering though op shops and reveling in the districts obvious wealth of Talented knitters(yes I love knitted baby clothes and I got this most fantastic knitted dress for Poppy, I just could not leave it there as it is simply equisite and I cannot believe the time and effort someone put in only to be given away!) shit I really am a soppy sap as the thought of leaving it there almost broke my heart as it needed to be loved and appreciated in the spirit it was made and by golly I will.

About to learn to crochet.......................right off to put on my nana knickers now