Domestic goddess

The Girls

2010-08-07T01:19:00.000-07:00

Here they are, Miss Ella now a big school girl at 5 and Miss Poppy who is far too cool for school at 3

Long gone but not forgotten

2010-08-07T00:47:00.000-07:00

I fully intended this post to be one of personal growth and reflection on the years past turmoil and how I have slayed demons and give some reason for my lack of blogging over the past year.

Shove that up your arse, I am all over emotional tree hugging sandal wearing bullocks, in fact I may just start nibbling on dreaming kittens while they sleep. Why not? I feel like I have eaten just about everything else!

All you really need to know is I am putting my big girls pants on.........literally...damn those forsaken subway cookies!

My creativity has started welling again and I have been up to some truly life altering stuff, so ladies keep those incontinent sheets handy as you may just pee your pants laughing at my new adventures.

I will over time start filling you in on the year that has been, minus all the boring yabbering bits. I need to do this more as without meaning to I have become a slave to that fickle bitch facebook and the ease of it all.................cringe I am tempted......... No more! curses on all your houses facebook! It is not good for the soul, besides I have people all over this world whom I truly love and miss and as I refuse to willingly talk on the telephone................................well they are just missing out on the word according to Jody and who am I to deny the masses their sleeping pill in text form.

Rasp!

Stomach banding looks the easy option

2010-01-27T14:27:00.000-08:00

I finally did it. After years of quick glances and a nervous twitch whenever hearing the word 'Gym' I walked into one...........................and even asked questions!

I have paid for three year long gym membeships in my life and my record for going in the one calendar year was.....................................NINE times. I have no love for sweaty unclean places, balding muscle men who shave their legs or orange women with the latest shiny lycra attire.

I have been a naughty girl over the past month or two and no legal magic pill is going to fix the unrelenting gluttony bender I have put my body through.

I do not even own exercise clothes. The only ones that will have to do are well over ten years old. But that is OK as they will be brand spanking new in comparison to the facilities this gym has to offer. I kid you not, this place is in one of the hottest areas in NZ and has no air con. It has a weight room hidden in a darkened airless hole with a couple of outdated machines that live on a Menzanine floor that overlooks the Aerobic room that does not appeal to the nose.

I deserve all I get, it will not be easy for me and the universe is truly testing my resolve as I shouted from my soapbox that I was going to the gym on monday and even tried to con a few gals to come to.......................................I have just found out that Monday is a public holiday.
No Classes.
Very testing.....................................................

2010 Already??????

2010-01-16T00:03:00.000-08:00

Crap it has happened again. I have been hit with a massive time sucking vortex that has transformed what felt like last week to being well over a month ago.

It has been an amazing sunny summer filled with lots of swimming, eating fresh fish, picking bucket fulls of berries and plums, making jams and relishes, storing away all our summer produce for winter, gave up a few bad habits, put on 5kg's, doing shifts on the Ambulance, studying for my course, making wooden garden sculptures, selling wooden garden sculptures(go to http://www.collinswooddesigns.co.nz/ and see) Now we are moving to a warmer home for winter, CH is opening a new store and already I am finding my year planner is more than half full.

As luck would have it we now have broadband so as soon as I can link more than 60 minutes of spare time together I shall endeavour to start blogging again. Lucky you!

The gals are great, driving me a little batty but that is just natural progression I feel. Ella will soon be starting school................................I am so not ready. Pops is well and just had her second hearing test to estimate any damage caused by her adventure last year and one ear was perfect while the other does not seem to hear well at all but my Mummy gut feeling is that they are wrong as I think she has great hearing and perhaps just bored of the tests. I will let you know in six weeks.

SUMMER FUN WITH THE CUZZIES IN RAUMATI

2009-12-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Hails

2009-12-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

My latest creation for my wonderful Niece the lovely Hailey who turned one today. We are currently down in Wellington and I must say how magic it is to have family around. She is just lovely, the most smiling child I have ever seen

Happy Birthday Our Poppy

2009-11-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas Cake day!

2009-11-10T00:42:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the day, it may be one whole month late but ladies when tomorrow dawns my home shall be filled with the aroma of Christmas past and building a firm foundation of Christmas Future.

Yesterday Ella and I popped on the Christmas Classics, chopped the fruit, ate our full and left the rest swimming in Sherry. I just love going and stirring the mixture, fabulous scent wafts as soon as you lift the gladwrap.

Tonight, I started making the icing decorations and this year this is my interpretation of ye old Christmas tree. I am just gagging to put up our tree. I am almost on the cusp of going back to a real tree as I miss the earthy smell of pine that signals the arrival of Christmas. However I cannot stand the frivolous waste of resources so this year plastic will be my tree of choice.

Christmas is a GO

2009-11-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

Right here is the progress on the Stockings, I am about half way through them and in this pic you cannot see the 20hours I have put into beading these arghhhhhhhhhhhh

Project Dolls House

2009-11-09T22:29:00.000-08:00

Complete and ready for Christmas NEXT

On the first day of Christmas, My true love said to me "Drop the credit card love and step away from the Avon catelogue"

2009-11-05T17:11:00.000-08:00

Yee haaa, It has finally happened. I am brimming with the Christmas Spirit and surprisingly it is not Bombay Sapphire!

Projects to complete list

Organise Christmas Work do
Help out catering for friends party.
Organise Poppy's Birthday
Handmake three Christmas Stockings, EMMMM far from done.
Make Fabulous Christmas cake for Next week EEEEEEKKKKKK
First Find a new Christmas Cake recipie as I am not happy with current one
Finish Making dolls House ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
It is finally built with three layers of varnish but now needed to decorate and make curtins
Plan Christmas day Menu on a tight buget
Complete Christmas gift shopping
Decorate the house and beat current record of over 900 lights in the lounge
Shopping trip to Rotorua and Tauranga
Send Christmas cards, I have lost address book, so find addresses.............................yawn
Build time machine to send me back to September.

We three kings........................yes....tis nearly the season

2009-11-02T23:31:00.000-08:00

Normality?

It does not even sound like a real word. Perhaps it is not a real thing. Besides, I am fairly sure it would be a most boring alternative, full of yawns, Jeremy Kyle and Griffins Superwines, dependable biccies those ones!

Crap, I just yawned. Next stop, daytime telly.

Unfortunately, my life is not boring. It is full to bursting. I have got my fingers in so many pies, it is no wonder I am portly. Just when I think I can breathe the sweet smell of 'under control' I go and put my blasted hand up for yet more responsibility. Right at this very moment I should be painting a dolls house or sewing a Christmas Stocking but here I am filling this page with complete garbage. Hey, at least I am not the one reading it.

I should not really be blogging tonight, my mind is elsewhere but theoretically this could be my only chance for awhile and I know some of you will be wondering how we are doing.

We are great. Poppy is amazing, her spots and dots are fading, she is still a little tired but does not let it interfere with her Tanty throwing ability and her hair now seems to be starting to grow in her bald bits. A darker colour, but hair none the less.

Ella-raine is lovely. She has just learned to do a backwards flip on the rings and is so ready for school. I on the other hand am not. Although..........last night at dinner time I was ironing and getting ready for work(so I was already pissed off) and I told Miss Ella to eat her dinner. Well she turned to me with a straight face and said the following,

"Mama, I have two words for you, shut and up!"

Christ I did not see that coming! First shock and then a prompt telling off, I cannot remember if what I said was good as I had to leave the room before I peed myself while laughing.

I did query where on earth she has heard such a thing and she quickly replied Shrek the movie. I must check on that because if that was a lie, then it was a good one and grasshopper may become the master.

Righto, must dash as I have some tree hugging, sandal wearing 'positive visualisation' to do. I jest you not and may the protective white light of all things good guide me tonight, or perhaps it will just be choc, ciggarette and bed.

One three piece pack, extra seasoning and a side of Lorazepam

2009-09-25T00:14:00.000-07:00

I still worry. Poppy temperature is still a little higher than normal. Is she OK?

Lorazepam, thats what I need.

To look at her she is just the same, covered in a fading spots but still the same. She has a couple of nasty patches left and one is the shape of a heart on her thigh. I think that speaks volumes.

Her voice is different, softly spoken and very cute. Her laugh has changed, no longer deep and throaty but reminiscent of when a baby laughs with that huge indraw. Yesterday to be honest I was a bit worried about her mental state as on the way home she was just giggling hysterically and do you want to know why? It was her hands, she was just holding them up in the light and cracking herself up. I even asked what was so funny and she said her hands. Simple things I guess. Is she OK?

Yep, I really need some Lorazepam. I may even find how to spell it.

I am still in awe of human spirit. We have notes in our mailbox from people we do not know who just want to help. We have people turning up with meals and still endless calls from people.

I am now faced with a problem. This has been hard but I am not sure what has been harder, a sick child or letting yourself be helped and accepting it willingly. How can I possibly thank them all in a manner that suits the deed? Any token short of life changing feels fraudulent. I could not possibly give enough. I know, I know...............I have been counselled by my nearest and dearest and it appears to be my problem and this is supposed to be some sort of Kharma pay back for me, but I still feel like a bludger. May as well just go into a room and whip myself some more.

I just feel I have so much to do but yet just want it to be over and return to life normality. I am going to try real hard next week and do everything I feel needs to be done then I am going to put this all behind me and perhaps ignore it all for month or two. Ahh blissful ignorance, I miss blissful ignorance. I might practice that for dinner with an upsized three piece from Kentucky.

Not so spotty Poppy

2009-09-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well we made it, finally home with our miracle child.

It was a really wet and dismal day for a homecoming but things were crystal clear.

Angels watch over us and if we are lucky some walk amongst us.

We arrived home to lawns that were mowed, a house that was clean, washing done and a fridge cleaned out, fresh eggs, butter, bread and milk in the fridge and a bunch of flowers on the table. All of these done by different people, different circles but with one small thing in common, Us!

I have been so humbled by not only my close friends but our community and perfect strangers that have taken us in their hearts and done what they can.

I am still processing the enormity of it all and am still a little numb. It is the little things that get you. Like walking into Poppy’s room and remembering the last time I did that when my daughter was fighting for her life and remembering my thoughts on funeral arrangements and complete madness really. I wish I could erase them. I saw the thermometer in the lounge where I left it, my reaction is to rid the house of all things that bring that gut retching time back, but cannot.

This is the third time we have nearly lost our daughter and frankly that is quite enough. However I am such a pagan and have difficulty saying such a thing as if to invite it into my life again. For the record although I have had enough of the life and death thing, I am still prepared to go thorough it countless times if it means we get to have her in our life and I get to kiss her grandchildren. Crap, touch wood. Man that was real hard for me as over the last couple of weeks I have said the term “touch wood” and be buggered if wood is easy to find in a hospital and I was a little OCD about it. Planning to now get a wooden key ring. Feck I am nuts….hey I always have nuts, are they wood?

Menija Ninja

2009-09-17T01:23:00.000-07:00

I do not even know if I can find the words to begin.

If you try to imagine you top ten nightmares, I would have a guess at mine being the loss of a child and would have to say that nearly losing a child would come a close second.

If you just quickly scroll through my sleep deprived drivel and only one thing sticks in your mind other than my crappy writing, this is it and I am going to write it in capitals because not only is it important but I am shouting at you "BELIEVE MOTHER'S INTUITION!"

Any of you with insight in my life will know that one of the things I cherish in this busy time is my saturday read/sleeptime and I am a bit precious about it. I normally shut the door as the handles are too high for chubby little fingers but today I forgot and in bowled Poppy and she said she wanted a cuddle. Sigh.......she came in told me she loved me and fell fast asleep. It was then I should have thought something was up as she cancelled her afternoon sleep a year ago.

An hour later we got up and she had a temperature, nothing crazy just warm to the touch. I gave her some Pamol and she went to sleep on the couch. I checked her an hour later and her temp had gone up so I decided to give her some Ibprofen. I asked her what was wrong and she said her ear. Highly plausible, she does suffer from ear infections and had a cold last week, I made sure she had some fluids gave her a warm sponge bath to make her more comfortable, put her in her PJ's covered her in a sheet, gave her some more Pamol as it had been four hours since her last and put her to bed.

I checked on her an hour later and I fully expected that with the medication her temp to have come down. It was still going up and she was breathing fast with an increased heart rate. I knew that this was a likely due to infection but is was the breathing that worried me. I could not give her anything else and could not sleep and had to get up every half an hour to check, she wasin a deep unrousable sleep. At 3.30am I knew she could have more pamol, I went in and took a temp, no change but before she had been hot and dry now she was sweating so I thought yay this was the body's way off cooling the system so I turned the light on and decided to change her wet pjs to wake her up so I could get more fluids in. She was really lucid, the best she had been all night and I thought the fever was breaking.

It was then I saw them.

Two faint uneven spots, one one her tummy and one just under her right boobie. Ahh no panic, just a spot so I pushed one to see if the colour altered. It did not. I called for CH to come in the bedroom, he did not as the bugger was sleeping through it all. I put my shoulders back told myself to stop being a drama queen but gave in and ran to the kitchen for a glass cursing CH sleeping ability. By the time I got back glass in hand he was scratching his balls in the doorway squinting his eyes and highly attractive. I pressed the glass to the surface of the first spot and it did not change. I told Jason to get dressed and get in the car and take her to ED.

He went in a little worried but nothing major as it often seems that sick kids are the children of urban legends and we never seem to be affected.

I could not sleep and watched a great re-run of Frasier. I was tense and kept texing. He called asking if she had been fully immunised and she had so phew problem over. Fifteen minutes later she was covered in spots. It was half an hour later he called crying as they were losing her.

My skin went cold and I could feel all the bood just draining from it. I went to wake Ella my voice was strong and commanding and instead of taking hours to wake up it was instant, I packed who knows what and headed in. I could feel my appearence was fine but on the insides had turned to liquid and I could easily just drown. I walked in and she was in the resus room never a good start. I took one look at the monitor and knew my child was covered in cords and was about to leave me. I looked around this overly bright room to see my husband crying and thankfully one of the nurses was a friend who just clung on to me. The next few hours is just a blur as they just tried time and time again again to fight a body desperately trying to shut itself down. They finally drilled twice straight into the bone to keep her stable until the Starship rescue team got to her. By now she could not breathe by herself. I called my dear friend in England her mother is a minister, I beg her to pray for us.

9.15am the air lift team arrived and battled to get a femoral line in. Blood everywhere.

10.15 I asked the rescue team how she was going. A doctor looked me in the eye and said "she was critical and may not survive. I felt like someone had just ripped my clothes off, gouged out my heart and I was naked for all to see.

In an Ambulance we rode, charging to the big red plane. It could have been an alien space ship for I was not really there. I had suddenly become see through and did not want to put anyone out. Big plump wet tears just ran constantly from my unmoving face. I worried about the cleaners on the plane and wetting the carpet.

12:00 We had arrived at Starship Hospital and all I could do on the way was talk to the Ambo driver about some new education level in St John.

Everyone knows and I am constantly getting texts. They are my lifeline, they are keeping me focused. Must update everyone, I do not want people to worry unduly.

This was Sunday. A day of rest then they paralyse her with drugs. I get a message that family is coming up, I get grumpy as I know they do not have the money for such silly things. Her Aunt and Nana arrive to support us, and they walk in and almost buckle at knees and cry. I am there, but cannot feel accept I feel guilt they are sad. I must be strong.

Texts and prayers flood in, I feel their warmth. They are my sanity.

More family arrive, I worry about feeding them. CH and Ella arrive. Ella is full of fun and laughter and thinks this is the best holiday ever. I am resentful.

Monday - She cannot breathe by herself, her blood pressure is terrible and her heart is beating too fast to be sustained and one of her legs is cold and the spots are getting worse. They now stop paralysis drugs. She should awake. Loads of morphine and ketamine. Her doctor from Whakatane calls to be told things are not good.

Texts still constant, I am vigilant to update and get upset when I find out some people have not received texts. I worry they might not feel important enough and receive info second hand.

Tuesday - No change accept her right lung has now collapsed. She awakes intermittedly only to scream in pain. I wash her mouth out to keep away infection and keep cream and gel on her lips and eyes to keep them moist.

We all take turns in sitting with her. I feel terrible as it should be up to me to bear the burden.

Wednesday - No change accept her left lung is now is flooded with fluid and her good leg now burns with infection. They spots are getting darker, and sinking in the middle, I keep them moisturised. I still worry about money and insist on paying for flights home. I take a pill so I can sleep.

This whole time I have been there overseeing the injecting, the bagging every hour to keep her breathing long enough to suction the fluid from her lungs so she does not drown. I am still not there. I am a student learning increasing my knowlege base.

Thursday AM - She awakes, recognises me and tries to reach for me and says Mama I want to go home. I am still numb.

Thursday 4pm - I am not there but Nana is and her doctor from Whakatane arrives and stands at the doorway for long enough to make Nana feel uncomfortable. Finally introduces himself and states he has never worked harder to save a life than he did on her.

Nana relays the message.

I finally break and feel like my world has been ripped apart rather than being on top of it.

Thursday 6pm - she is too weak to sip from a sipper cup. She states " I have no clothes on!"

Thursday 8pm - She falls asleep with her hands around the purple ribbon of an inflated balloon and I start writing this

Thursday 10pm - I chew a Creme Caramel butterscotch lolly, watch her sleep, I break off a sliver and place it in her mouth and she smiles. I smile and now finally breathe.

This is a very quickly written down and one sided tale of events and in the future I will wow you with stories of human compassion, skill and kindness like you wont believe but for now this is all I have and I must sleep for it will be a long night watching over my little one but should I fall asleep I am comforted by the fact I am not the only one who watches over her.

Hey a packet of Mint slice for lunch, mint is a healty herb right?

2009-09-10T00:44:00.000-07:00

Oh I have been a bad bad girl.

I have been really "good" for the last seven weeks and eaten well and even stuck to my apparent allergy to the humble potato. I have even had a gastro virus. You would think I would be nearing a goal weight, right?

WRONG, there is a fecking loop hole in the system and it is like I am in opposite world. I have put more weight around my middle in the last few weeks than almost first five months of preganacy. Seriously I am almost convinced myself an immaculate conception has happened or I am dying from a tumor the size of a small child! I kid you not I am freaking myself out as I have the feeling of baby movement, but know it cannot be. I am driving myself nuts and last Thursday I gave up all hope and bought a trolley load of treats to scoff, chocolate, sweets, biccies, really good bread and cheeses. I have had fast food twice this week and fatty meaty treats for the rest of it and my weight has not changed. I also did the worst thing as I am almost convinced I am suffering from some sort cancer as I dont feel right and I went and had a blood screening done and the chap asked "Have you got a cold? a sore throat? Headache? Had the flu?" I of course said no. He said. "odd your white blood cell count is really up and your immunity is kicking in" Lets just say it has done little for the anxiety levels. Feck it off to the health shop to spend yet more of my childrens university fund on some quack remedy. The blood chap said try a really good antioxidant so I shall add it to all the other crap I am taking.

My poor health is definately helping out the local economy, just doing my bit!

Actually must pee on a stick just to set my mind at ease. Wow,I could be the new Virgin Mary! but I look shite in blue.

Need a new challenge?

2009-09-10T00:43:00.000-07:00

Desperately seeking, Janey.

I am blessed with the most exquisite collection of friends. Each stunning in different ways yet all brought together by our love and devotion to our children. We organise trips, get creative, talk about child development, let our kids play and support each other for any little obstacles we come upon.

There is those times however when as much as we love our blessed children we do not actually like them and spending the day with them is akin to picking your nose with a cheese grater. At the end of that day when all is not giggles and sweet smelling babies. Sometimes a glimpse of naughty youth flashes in and I crave to go around the back of the shed for a sneaky cigarette or a shot of tequila….hold the lemon and salt.

It is these times we call upon the ‘realistic’ mothers who remember ghost of youth’s past and are more than willing to have drink with it and pull an emergency packet of cigs out of their normally non smoking nappy bag and go hide where the children can’t see. I no longer have a naughty friend who is willing to lead me astray. They both buggered off to England. Spiteful cows.

I am seeking submissions for a new Janey or Delwyn.

Position Description.

This is a demanding role and the meek and mild need not apply. The ideal applicant will be clever and able to defend from and onslaught of sarcastic remarks and send them back as the need dictates. Realistic, blatantly honest but open to delusion as the need arises. Strong negotiation skills, with the ability to talk people down from great heights. Educated in both palate and mind, with an almost psychic ability when a chat and a glass of gin is needed. Knowledge of herbal and pharmaceutical drugs and own prescription pad would be beneficial. The ability to laughs at ones foibles and smile knowingly when we come across those qualities in another and then counsel as appropriate. Most importantly, possess a willingness to be either the strength or the crutch as needed with the ability to be led and lead astray should the opportunity present it self.

Righto, move your arse and make an application.

Welcome Spring

2009-08-27T19:43:00.001-07:00

Gosh I love living here!

Feminine charm

2009-08-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

Over the years, you have all been with me as we have discovered how a woman is "enriched" with age and of the unimaginable things that have happened along the journey. Certain mysteries that are top of mind was discovering that you tripled your body gas ratio aftering bearing children or being shocked at that first "pale" hair on your bikini line! but of late I guess the biggest dissapointment was discovering that as women not all age gracefully and are just nasty buggers that know how to bully.

Behold! I have made a new discovery and that is, 'As we age we loose sensitivity!'. I of course have had an inkling of this as over the years more than truthful comments just roll off the tongue with ease, especially when aimed at CH! But more importantly we seem to loose sensitivity from our noses! Noses I tell you, not to be stuck in places unwanted BUT ever thought of the unwanted things stuck in your nose?

Two words that strike fear in the heart of all things feminine...............................................

VISABLE BOGIES!

Always been an unrational fear of mine. I was always very confident that I would never have snot gremlin hanging off the end of my nose in full view. No sireee, all systems checked and good to go, besides it was everyone else that that happened to NOT CAREFUL ME!

Twice now it has happened, washing my hands.........casual check in the mirror and holy feck I HAVE GROWN A NEW HEAD and it is sticking out my nose! How could I not know? Why has no one told me? Has this happened before? Can I ever go out again..........am I officially in my middle years?..........my lord do I have to start carrying a HANKIE!

just another one of life's little gems I guess, yep cannot wait until the next New discovery!

18 Weeks until Christmas!

2009-08-22T00:15:00.000-07:00

How can yet another month go by and NO postings? Do you think I have all day to swan about drinking coffee and talking to you? Well I may just have had something more exciting to do. Perhaps.............. start an affair with the local Whittaker's Sales rep? or did I loose the ability to write when I lost my fingers in a dangerous cupcake manoeuvre? or was it as simple as taking a real long time in coming up with "who is first up against the wall" when I become Queen List? Yes, I am considering a hostile takeover of the Beehive, eating the current residents and then fobbing the rest off with the promise of faster broadband and cheaper electricity from magic sticks! John Key is currently topping the list, as an insignificant deknackered slimy pimple on the arse of democracy. Perhaps a little harsh, as I imagine it would be hard to make a decision with so many people's hands up your arse to make you do something! Perhaps I shall rename him 'Judy Key', although 'Punch Key' is what we need BUT in today's world we could not even have 'Smacking Key'!. Blimey, I cannot even begin to talk about this anti smacking referendum as the rules of time and space do not allow me to fully express my opinion.

Anyhoo as proof that I am indeed alive here is a pic of the girls and I on holiday in Ashvegus! and a lovely one of my sister and the girls. We had an amazing time and I am sure I will go into greater details later..................you poor buggers! For now I must go and ensure that CH is not hanging from the rafters somewhere on what could be the eve of both a Cricket and possible rugby defeat. Removing all the belts, cords and sharp implements NOW! Feck it I will just crack the top off a imported beer to distract him and make the pain go away! AND WHO SAID KIWI BLOKES ARE UNATTRACTIVE?

Five Brilliant women the photo was titled, could not have been put a better way

2009-07-18T02:07:00.000-07:00

Monday starts the new week with many positive changes, stay tuned as this time I think it is going to work and it will be in part because of these wonderful women. May my unyeilding positivity inspire you all. I shall from this point be no longer be filling the void with cupcakes....................OK perhaps not this point in time as I have a party to do cup cakes for this weekend BUT from then...............................cup cakes, they not for me.

I think I have MAN flu!

2009-07-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

It's true! I have been in bed for three days and at this very moment am having a good patch. All the classic man flu signs, vocal cords pitched to "whine", inability know what it is that would help me, Cos I DONT KNOW! so very week I cannot even pick up my my own snotty tissues, three days in bed and only changed PJ's under duress yesterday. I must be looking so attractive at the moment, this morning I awoke with a strange feeling as I must have been sleeping with my mouth open and tongue poking out as my mouth has never been so dry and my tongue had cracks in it! You should see my nose as it is a monument dedicated to Vasaline, a wide grinning strip of the shiny stuff plastered under my nose with just as much shoved up it to stop my nose from falling off. My whole body hurts, even my lungs and diaphragm. It has been such a long few day as I never ever thought I could get sick enough not to be able to read in bed! What a waste, three days of not being able to read, curse you bright light! Today I am much better and actually contempating a shower.

This swine flu has my knickers in a knot. I am a healthcare professional and still I am confused. But you know me and my arm could be falling off and I still would not go into A&E as 'it will be right and I would not want to bother them!' Our poor pops was effected the worst, terrible temperatures, shocking coughs, shortness of breath with poor air movement. Pops always coughs in winter, always has and no amount of normal or alternative medicine seems to help it. Her dad was like this as a child. I do worry for pops as her respiratory system is not very strong.

I just wish there was an easy way to spot swine flu, like toenails turning to trotters or unexplainable urgings to put a ring through your nose. Rather than "flu like symptoms" feck any day of the week I have half of them. I did however ring work and say I would not be in today and it god damn came close to killing me, I am such a goodie two shoes that I hate to call in sick even when it is real. Heart palpitations, nervous sweat and stuttering voice GOD I HATE IT!

Actually that is more than enough for me today, thinking of plucking my eyebrows next.......................that should take all day given what I saw looking back at me from the mirror thing morning. Or perhaps bed and sort the yeti out later!

Zopicolone, you blessed blue beauties

2009-07-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

Now you know me gals, not usually afraid to shove bad things in my mouth, cream doughnuts, ginger slice, blue cheese, bacon..........mmmmmmm bacon god I love bacon ANYWAY...............................................

When I last wrote to you I may have missed something out! When the wheels fell off and all hope was lost, I went to the doctor. Oh, words cannot clearly explain to you how mortified I was going to the doctor to air what I considered 'Dirty laundry' Of course at the time it added my distaste for CH as it was because of HIM!

I was worried I was depressed.

I also did not accept that. I have been there and this was not the same.

The thing with me as like all of you wonderful Mums out there, an unbroken sleep is rare. For me it is impossible and has been that way for over twelve years or more and I normally survive on more or less then 3-4 hours a night. I just cannot fall asleep with ease. I have always looked at this as a gift as it allowed my so much more reading, thinking and letting my imaginings fly! Thats way I have so many projects on the go at once!

Over the last year it has been a complete curse. Worrying about everything, twenty different thoughts each with new things to worry about in every case scenario that could go with it. It became normal and I could easily not sleep a whole night and still go to work the next day and feel the same. No extra tiredness as I was just exausted all the time. Anxiety, it was crazy!

My friendly doctor wanted to prescibe a course of anti-depressants. I asked for a raincheck but asked for sleeping pills and WOW what a difference. For the first week it was no change, just relief not to have things in my head. I felt just the same with seven hours unbroken snoring as I did with one. This week is amazing, I am tired still but my giggle is back and I am now laughing my arse off at TV programmes, something I never even realised had gone. Emotions, I am now back to nearly crying at every thing that pulls on the heart strings, sad stories, crappy ads, you name it! OF COURSE NO ONE SEES! I have not completely changed! I have energy to do exercise in fact today is the first day I have had a rest day this week.

Today was great, I organised a suprise morning tea for all the wonderful ladies at Mainly Music to celebrate 10 years of being in our community and I just love them. Yeah more cupcakes What a fantastic morning the girls were amazing when I asked my eldest what the highlight of her day was apart from the food, I thought she would say dancing of friends or wearing dress ups but no it was when she accidently let her helium balloon go and floated away to the clear blue sky, she was mesmorised. I think she might be just like me and every action can be turned into a magical imagining.

The Wheel Turns

2009-06-27T00:26:00.000-07:00

I may have been a bit quiet of late, in fact I have almost been non blogging for 10 months or more. Why, too much to say I guess and little I wanted any of you to know.

Filthy word divorce, used with other equally horrid descriptive words like failure, break up, break down, heart break, shame, devastation and so very much more. I have got the T shirt!

It has been so very tough but to alleviate your fears I can indeed confirm that we are still married with the intent of being forever. Well at least for now..............I always have to have options, yes! I am aware of the problem but you would be so happy sitting next to me in a sinking ship as I would have at least 10 way outs up my sleeve all extremely well thought out!

It was bad at one point CH had actually packed his bags and we were dividing up our meager possessions and wondering what could have gone so very wrong. Ten months of gut retching sadness and more tears than I could handle is not good for a domestic goddess. The worst part was the eating and hiding away and the "put on a smiley face" Christ my lipsticks got so bright I looked like a trannie!

We never know how we will react to a situation until we are in it. As you all know I am a fairly strong gal but I fell to pieces. A dull mosaic. That my friends pissed me off more!

Upon reflection I made many mistakes and my most pivotal one was telling no one in my close circle of friends about what was happening. I just continued with life normality, La la la, organising coffee groups, Christmas parties, fundraising and helping out whenever I could. I do not know why. I have the most amazing bunch of women in my life and any one of them would drop anything and come if I called.....................but I could'nt. It was not healthy.

I guess as with all those of you who have read my blog over the years and been there with me as I muddle through barely knowing me arse from me elbow in this whole parenting gig. This seems to be a whole new phase. It is kinda like birthing pain, no one tells you about it until it is over and then generally ignored as it never happened. It seems to me that we all know marriages takes work but how much work is generally ignored. I now feel confident in our decision to stay together but almost with equal confidence know it would be difficult to separate but achievable.(there I go again with the defence mechanism) It would just be like spending your life savings on booking a flight to Paris for a holiday and ending up in Rotorua.....................not quite where you thought you would end up but you would make the most of it while you were there.

I came clean to my girlfriends this week and I know they are hurt I could not confide but as the friends they are they hide that and support me anyway. I just love them. My advice to you all out there that should you embark on the journey I have just got back from it is long and dark and you need a friend to hold your hand so please do not make the same mistake. Also do not be suprised that you are having huge almost unsolvable problems in paradise as it appears to be much like saggy boobs after breast feeding, a bit ugly but quite normal!

Cup Cake Lesson

2009-06-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

A Good cake doth not always make a Good cup cake!

I have learned this over the years and why oh why do I still have faith that all recipies will work?

This is Nigella's Clementine Cake, delightfully easy, normally lovely and both Dairy and Wheat free. What a winning cake. What a crap cup cake.

WHY?

Very solid mix and I had to cook the cupcakes for longer than normal which make the base over cooked and stuck.(perhaps you could bake in a bain marie to overcome)

The high moisture content completely ruined my beautiful paper cases and looked like I had soaked the vintage papers in a puddle. (eating them as soon as the were baked would help this one)

Itsy bitsy Cup Cakes

2009-06-18T21:22:00.001-07:00

I made hundreds of these little fellows today. I think I can say I have finally cracked them! Filling up the little tiny cases can be touch and go at times and today I grabbed a funnel and a regular clean water bottle and filled it to the brim with cake batter, pit the lid on and then filled up my paper cases with ease and not a spill then popped the bottle back in the fidge between batches and as we speak there is a bottle of batter in my fridge left over to make in the next week with no hassle!

Also lets be honest about it, no matter how nice the cake mix is it is the icing I am interested in. I now put a couple of white choc chips in the batter so you have, squishy sponge, crunchy choc and creamy icing in every bite! Its good!

I blame the parents!

2009-06-14T00:41:00.000-07:00

GEEZ, I had an absolutey shit weekend and in fact cried for most of it, for reason best unsaid BUT it is ok now and life goes on BUT do you want to know what really upset me the most?

My blooming unfeeling offsprings!

Here I was wanting comfort and tried to hide myself in the darkened bedroom, fully fetal position, with the hope I would be missed BUT On the few occasions my children bothered to come in the room they seemed not to notice my discomfort and only wanted feeding. To add further insult the only cuddle I could get was if I got between them and the TV so they could not see their programmes and they would snuggle in so they could look over my shoulder.

little buggers, just take my heart and use it for a potty while you are at it! Oi I gave birth to you blighters and someone mentioned something about unconditional love..........check your contract little ones and see how you go if I stop buying you favourite food and we do not have to have playhouse Disney................................oh I could never be so cruel

No more wine for moi

2009-06-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

Ever had a hangover so bad that it hurts to fart? It is possible

Year of the Cock beware!

2009-06-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well is this not weird,
Chinese year of the Chicken........Bird Flu
Chinese year of the horse............equine flu shuts down Aussie
Chinese year of the pig...............swine flu!
Next year?
Chinese year of the Cock................perhaps Men's penis will fall off or all dickheads/jerks will come down with a disese, either way I am OK with it!

That's all folks

2009-06-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Well that is it! No more weekends away, No more nights without children and no more meals uninterrupted and every night doomed to being awoken by any number of childhood beasts, wet beds, snoz huffling husband and sick kids.

Feck, I may as well end it all now, what an existence! Geez I am so bored. Bored of being skint, bored of being a lard arse and bored of being a house bitch!

What to do, What to do, What to do, What to do, What to do said the penguins…………….blimey even when I am far removed from having motherly thoughts those blasted mind raping children stories and songs constantly blare on my subconscious.

Being Skint, not too much I can do about that. Resorting to making a game out of it and seeing “How low can I go!” it the groceries for the week. Even resorting to removing light bulbs from rooms with too many! Should I get a job? Even that poses a problem as Jobs are so hard to come by and I could end up stacking shelves in a supermarket……………………could my ego handle that? Do I have to re train? As much as I love working on the back of an Ambo and learning all I am learning but in all reality the hours are never going to be family friendly and the politics are quite frightening.

Being a Lard arse, On to it and currently into day three of healthy eating and I have purchase two fitness Mags and looking forward to starting a new fitness regime next week. I have asked for CH’s support on this one as he never worries about the extra ten kilos and certainly we lead each other astray more often that not with alcohol and bad food.

Being a house bitch, Simple it has too be done but hell I resent it, gosh it makes me so bitter and sucks all my sense of humour away. I just need to think about it differently. Before I thought of it as my duty or job and well that breed contempt so my new plan is to think of it as exercise and try to put the pride back. As when we moved from Pleasant Ville to this cold old skody house, things went a little down hill as no matter how many times you clean old surfaces they just look shite!

Out of the mouth of babes

2009-06-04T15:24:00.000-07:00

I have been nagging CH terribly of late, everything he does seems to wind me up and to add fuel to my fire look what happened last night.

Ella and Pop were playing Mummy's and Daddy's. Ella was the Mother and Pop was the Father. Ella of course was the one lugging all the babies and making all the decisions.

I asked Miss Ella, So what is it that Mummy's do? Ella replied with no hesitation "Oh they clean and do washing!" Hmmmn I said, still pissed with the fact I had been cleaning all day, feeling frazzled and then CH comes home and just has really happy giggling play time with my girls and they laughed more in five minutes with CH than with me all day........................sigh.

Then although I knew it a question doomed to make me feel shite, I asked Ella, So what is it Daddy's do? She just sighed and rolled her eyes , " oh you know they mostly watch rugby and drink beer!"

The lines of division drawn already.

2009-06-04T00:41:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. I will not even bother to create some elaborate excuse for why I have not been here. It could of course be the fact I would have had nothing positive to say.

I came down with a sudden onset of melancholy about two weeks back and it still nags at me. Throughly disinterested in my homelife and began to eat packets of choc biccies like tic tacs. The scales reflect my gluttony....................hence the cackling scales broke when they FELL out of the window this morning.

It does seem to be catching however and I am surrounded by many brilliant woman from different backgrounds and even different circles of friends and many complain of the same thing at the moment. We all have great lives but feel shite! Perhaps enmasse winter blues? sounds plausible. We all are outdoor types and see the sun many times a day so it cannot be sunlight deprivation.

Anyhoo, I am off to Auckland this weekend for a girls weekend to say goodbye to one of my dearest friends who is off on a three year adventure gallavanting around the world. The horrible part was I have already said goodbye as I had a dream the other night when I said goodbye and I awoke a blubbering idiot...........................hopefully it will not be a re run. Big girls dont cry!

Upon my return I shall be back to fitness and no doubt I will bore you with the details then.

xxxxx

Blessed be the Mother's for within them we find strength

2009-06-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

Quickest chocolate fix when the cupboards are bare!

5 Minute Chocolate cake in a mug!

4 Tablespoons Flour
4 Tablespoons Sugar
2 Tablespoons Cocoa
1 Egg
3 Tablespoons milk
3 Tablespoons Oil
3 Tablespoons Chocolate Chips
Small Splash Vanilla Essence
1 Large Coffee Cup

Add dry ingredients to mug, Mix Well
Add egg, Mix thoroughly
Pour in milk and oil, Mix well
Add chocolate chips and vanilla essence, Mix well
Microwave on high (1000 Watts) for 3 Mins
Cake may rise above mug – Don’t freak out
Allow to cool, tip into plate, Heap with icecream, cream or custard
Eat!!

2009-06-04T00:28:00.000-07:00

Leave me alone kids unless you are bringing me a beer!

2009-05-13T19:11:00.000-07:00

Why is it that on the very day we celebrate Motherhood is the very day that we do not actually want to be a Mother?

I have often thought of this and this year me and a group of gal pals made it happen. After a morning sleep in and the obligatory gushing of mushy thankyou's for crappy bits of scribbled paper posing as Mothers day cards I had a leisurely shower put on my glad rags, ditched the kids and met the girls for Brunch and Bubbles. What a hoot, we were the most rowdy table there pausing only to go to the toilet so much because we were giggling so much we nearly literally pissed ourselves laughing(bloody pelvic floor!) After we were kicked out of there, and we were asked to move along! Some of us hit the Quilt show(yes all my earlier blog fears confirmed) and then I went home, kissed and cuddled my children and went to bed for the afternoon to read a book undisturbed and got up only to eat a large portion of my favourite pudding, 'Sticky Date Pudding', loving made by CH.

What a lucky girl, I had a most wonderful day and I am and I fully encouraging all of you yummy Mummy's out there to do the same with your next Mothers Day.

Got a hankering for some moulied meat in gravy with a side of false teeth?

2009-05-13T18:40:00.000-07:00

It has been happening for awhile now, creeping on slowly like the weight. Really it started long before children. I should have realized when that day five years ago that I no longer enjoyed wearing G strings and was going for a fuller brief that I was slowly turning into a Nana! The signs were there, suddenly enjoying watching 'simply quilts', scrapbooking, pickling or making anything into Jams or relish, learning to crochet, cake decorating, sewing, embroidery, for the love of god I NOW COLLECT TEA CUPS!!!!!!! and even more disturbing..............have bought a china cabinet to display them in! It is not ended there all you gal pals out there........Last Thursday night we went to a CHARTER CLUB! Yee gods I simply cannot believe it, if you had told me last year that I would seriously consider joining a charter club this year all you would have got in reply would have been a distasteful look.

I have long phoo phooed these places. Gummy grannies ordering their roast pork and supping on their sherry. Meat pack raffles aplenty, meals come served in a basket or a slab of meat covered in a packet sauce hidden under a mountain of chips. Formica low tables and the racing channel on the TV and a whole room of poker Machines. Sounds absolutely horrific. BUT, they have a kids room! You can go there, order and meal and a drink and let the kids go wild in their own room. It was the type of place that when all the drooling kids congregated around a lolly slot machine that one of the local patrons came over and shook it to try and robs sweets for them. Oh bless.

It was really great, I felt a little like James T kirk, boldly going where no young cool person has ever been before! We met five families there, all the kids sat at a huge table and all the adults sat at another, girls up one end, blokes at the other and had a great catch up. The food came out really fast, and was really good and not to mention cheap. We fed a family of four and all had a couple of drinks and all for $60. We have now decided that once a month we will do this as a group as we are finding life so busy of late that we cannot catch up often enough.

So there we have it, meta morph to Nana hood nearing completion. What can be next?

2009-05-08T13:32:00.000-07:00

Not long now and my studies will be over and I can return to life normality. I have been so busy of late I barely have had time to keep up with the housework let alone actually be creative in any way. Once again I have reached the absolute pinnacle of my lardarseness and finally think I have the stength to do something about it. I have been doing exercise for three weeks now and I still hate it, completely not natural or enjoyable by any stretch of the imagination. However the one cool thing is that I finally think I have found a possible silver lining and that is THINKING TIME. Real quality thinking time, not the vacant thinking time that fills your head when you are doing chores and the days little foibles or the latest things that piss you off just replay in your head. But creative thinking time and ideas for stories and poems are just popping up randomly when once I thought them gone forever.

However good quality fabulous food is still top of mind and I think I have finally cracked the best choc chunk biccie recipie ever

Jody Choc Chunks

Ingredients:
1 cup of butter
3/4 cup white sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
2 teaspoons vanilla
2 1/4 cups plain white flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups of CHOCOLATE, roughly chopped I use three types Very dark, milk and white. Make sure there is a full selection of sizes of chunks as there biccies are great in the microwave to make the big chunks melt.....yummy.

Directions:1. Preheat the oven to 180°C. Grease an oven tray.2. Cream the butter , white and brown sugar until light and fluffy. Add the eggs into the mix one at a time, and then stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking soda and salt, then stir into creamed mixture.3. Fold in the chocolate chips. Place rounded spoonfuls onto the prepared baking tray.4. Bake until light brown, approximately 8 to 10 minutes. Let sit for 5 minutes and then transfer to rack to cool.

NOW DO NOT PANIC IF MIXTURE IS SLOPPY, YOU CAN ADD A LITTLE MORE FLOUR IF YOU DOUBT MUST BUT IT IS NORMAL. ENSURE YOU PLACE A GENEROUS BLOB(TECHNICAL TERM) OF MIXTURE ON THE TRAY AND IT WILL SPREAD OUT TO MAKE THE PERFECT BICCIE. ENSURE LOTS OF SPACE BETWEEN BICCIES.

I tend to make really large biccies as I do not piss around with the anorexic size, so I do only have 6-7 to a tray. Takes longer but more impresive.

2009-04-26T00:02:00.000-07:00

I wonder what the suicide rates are in low income families?

Today was horrible. Death in the family of an extremely well loved object. The Telly.
Luckily we have a second television.
Unluckily the power spike that killed our precious telly also screwed our sky box and as a result we had to watch poor people television. Christ, half an hour of this visual runny arse and I swear I lost the will to live. Absolute bullocks on the box how am I supposed to achieve total sensory deprivation while watching Marc Ellis force feed lemons to idiots? I even thought of having a conversation with CH, that is how bad it was!

I suppose there is one silver lining, our second TV does not have a remote and as it is really hard to channel surf on three choices and getting up and down spices up the degree of difficulty not to mention the obvious physical benefits.

Speaking of things physical I have reached 'extreme lardarse' stage again and the little changes I have made in my life do not seem to be making an impact.

I am walking to where I want to go.
The fridge is in another room so I have to walk to it.
The Clothes dryer is way down in the spider ridden garage so I am hanging out the washing
The freezer is also in the garage so I have to haul arse to get anything.

Ok so they are only small changes and it has only been two weeks and I have been eating some extemely good food of late and large portions. Damn my superior cooking skills.

Ok, I am also not going to bake anymore, or add sauces to a meal. No more bernaise, hollandaise or creamy carmelised onion and blue cheese............................whimper.

I still have a bit of a stash left over from easter, I will deal to that tonight and start tomorrow on the right foot...................................................yes I will add no more gorging to the list.....later...much later...........................Cake, I also have mud cake to take care of. This could be a long night.

Fuck off, you're oooooooooooooooout!

2009-04-21T19:17:00.000-07:00

Thats it!, done and dusted! It is a beautiful day, I have been to the movies with my eldest, walked for an hour and a half and giggled all the way home as I have finished all of my online training and it has just sunk in! I am just so rapt. Yesterday started my first 7am until 7pm day shift and what a fabulous day. I learned so much and actually got to inject someone yesterday as well as drive priority one, lights, sirens and air horn to a town half an hour away. I came home absolutely buzzing and confident in my decision to put the girls in care all day so I can do this.

It has been a hard few weeks and the most unfortunate part was self doubt. We have these two horrid women where I work and they teach by belittling and chronic bitchyness. I have never seen the like. At what age do we become bitter and twisted?

I am yet to work out what to do with horrid busted old hags. As you all know I am not a bad person a generally get along with anybody and do not put up with people being unreasonable. With these two wenches I am stumped. They have got me so worked up because I am truly torn, on the one hand I am naturally so respectable of my elders and want to hold them with high regard and absorb their knowledge but the other side of me is so angry at them for treating people the way they do. Honestly it makes me so upset and I just cannot put my big gal pants on and talk to them about it as these days I am so emotional and would end up in a snotty crying mess and that would just not do. I cry in front of no one!

I was talking to a friend of mine who prefers women over men and simply asked how she could do it? ........It was about there I put a stop to that conversation before I heard some information I did not want to hear but simply gave her the following advice, under no circumstances date anyone over forty, start cruising for a new and much younger lady love well before their 39th birthday.

This need further investagation, as although I am 33 I can feel a new bitchyness creeping into my otherwise wonderful personality......cough cough. Be aware team and report all incidents of unsheathed bitchyness, chronic crankyness, sadistic sarcasm and I will look into your diet and increase your sugar, spice and all things nice!

2009-04-11T01:38:00.001-07:00

Blimey, you guessed it I have been immersed in the books again and finding little time to do anything else except MOVE. Christ words cannot describe how absolutely shit the last three weeks have been. It is completely unending. DO NOT EVEN consider moving with children UNLESS you donate 80% of their crap first. Then when you done throw out anything opened(except booze as you will be needing that to full up pump bottles and sipper cups) then kick at least six boxes of the back of the truck.....................you wont miss em and trust me you will be thankful later. Ensure you do not move on a public holiday as every bastard has a legitimate excuse.....fancy that Jesus dying on the cross and rising again to give ye all a reason fuck off and not help.

So we have shifted and I will be soon walking everywhere I need to go and I will be finished my course come the end of May and believe you me I am looking forward to having a moment to write on here every now and then.

Until my next moment of work avoiding............................xxxxx

2009-03-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Here we are the very first batch of Volunteers to go through the new National Diploma of Ambulance Practice and tomorrow starts the last third of my study. It has been fairly tough and this last one will be the hardest I expect. I am actually pretty nervous as although I have only had two weeks off study the memory of how little time I had previously is pretty fresh. I will really have to manage my time more effectively and doing that and staying sane is fairly hard.

Last Monday started my new healthy outlook on life and I managed to do exercise on three days and ate in a sensible and healthy manner. ????????I KNOW!!!! This week I am intending to do the same and am now even more inspired to do well as I phoned up about a womens social hockey league last week and put my name down! This could be humiliating as I have not picked up a stick since I was 12 and even then I was always shoved in goal! I have no idea why this appeals but the idea feel right so why not try and add yet another thing into my life. Thank you god for that extra hour sleep coming up with daylight saving ending, I think I will need it!

Dont you just love the uniform and the hands on our thigh action.................can you pick which one is me? Not a flash piccie but one I shall send to my mum!

Ella-raine's Birthday cake

2009-03-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

Although we were camping for the event there was absolutely no need for mediocrity in the birthday cake department and since Miss Four had been banging on about it for the last 11 months I simply could not bung a candle on a bowl of porridge and sing Happy Birthday. It came out quite well all things considered as my normal cakes take many hours to decorate this was done and dusted in under ten minutes. Of course there was much prep to begin with like legs to be wrenched of Barbie, dressing her in more fitting attire to match the cake a making a necklace..............every gal has to have sparkles!

The party was great, all ballons and party napkins and plates but I forgot the blasted party hats but never fear my friends assured me, she would not even notice.

WRONG......... after having the most perfect camping birthday surrounded by all her mates when asked later in the day about how much fun she had..........................she promptly replied 'no hats or pass the parcel' then she got up and left. Ungrateful shit!

I came, I saw, I camped!

2009-03-06T23:50:00.000-08:00

It rained. Grounds got flooded. We all got moved into a hall. Seven Children, six adults sleeping in a room, three of those children with a tummy virus and all adults stupidly tired. Brilliant!

Fricken camping, who in their right mind(except homeless people) would do it. Now I can see the challenge in camping as a couple, the two of you at one with nature, trying to wildly shake the stench of the concrete jungle. It almost sounds romantic.

With children, no power and more importantly NO TV. Son of Mary, you gotta be full blown do lally!

Not only do you spend weeks of planning, every meal, snack, scenario and whim you are completely shafted by the camping grounds. The price per night was amazing and was a hare’s breath away from the price of a cheap hotel. Not only that, as they were “powered” tent sites one would foolishly assume you could plug and extension cord into sockets and be blessed with the comforts of home. WRONG, apparently it is common knowledge around the camping types to get a “special” cord with a different plug to have power. I of course only found this out after I played around with the outdoor plug socket and severly pissed off the neighbours by turning off their power, I went to give my apology and was promptly told that “Well YOU are not the only one who now has to re-programme DVD player!” SLAM! A DVD player! Christ that’s not camping! (as I load all of my now non useable comforts of home) As luck would have it they sold those special cords at the camping ground shop for $150!! Blimey not a chance. Then just to add insult to injury you have to pay for the showers on top.

But with all my moans and gripes(and believe you me, I got many stashed) I would do it all again in a heart beat as the Children had the most amazing time and grinned from ear to ear the whole time, I kid you not I have never seen such a bunch of happy souls, except that time I toured the Cadbury factory! This was the stuff of childhood memories held dear, I wish you had been there!

But NO, we are not camping people, I want a caravan!

Happy bithday to moi

2009-02-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

Tis true, yesterday was my 33rd birthday. What a fabulous day, I awoke to have an early brekkie with friends, dropped BOTH kids into care and went to have a girly coffee and shopping session with one of my favourite gal pals then off to the salon with my eldest daughter then off out to dinner and a movie with CH. All this and I got an amazing present from CH.

I have decided I am sick of our boring white flatware and now wanting mis matched, well choosen, pretty pieces of China and CH choose an absolute cracker from the 1930's. I would never have choosen it myself and he paid an absolute fortune for it, I could not believe it and had to bite my tongue but it is JUST lovely. Bless his cotton socks he was so worried it was not to my taste.

So as I am a very new collector, should you see a lovely tea cup set in an op shop think of me and I will lovingly add it to my collection. In fact that is a fabulous idea to have a dinner set made entirely of individual pieces choosen by your nearest and dearest!

Right off on yet another weekend away on my course, what a lucky girl I am!

Christmas 08

2009-02-16T23:08:00.000-08:00

I feel a little sad you all missed out on my Christmas but you can be sure it was lavish, traditional with completely over the top decorations, but here is one of my cakes

Gotta love small communities

2009-02-16T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yeaterday we finally thought we may have found a cheap rental place that we could make our own. The landlords were lovely, the street was nice and quiet and my work was just over the back fence and not to mention loads of room for a vege garden, sandpit for the cat to crap in and the landlords wanted to put new carpet and paint the place for us. We were rapt. I did however notice the neighbours. I enquired what they were like to the current tennants and she said they did not bother her. I should have got an inkling when looking through the place with the Adolf Hitler wall clock and various swords, guns and a crossbow or two in the wardrobe. In my mind we were living in the place already.

CH went back to work and said we had finally found a suitable place. He said the street and was was asked "What number" 20 CH replied. It was then that we found out that number 22 was the local tinny house. Thats not all, that night I went to work and told this same story and Sally turned to me and said "Not the big white place down the end?" Yes that was the one, as it turned out her friend used to live there and had dreadful problems with the neighbours just coming in and taking what they wanted!

Dodged a bullet there! Cursed recession, Whaaaaaaaaa I want to stay in plesantville.

Please Please Please all go out there and buy Fisher and Paykel because if they go down so does CH. I cannot believe how much their share price has dropped. I still remember the heady heights of before the company split from their healthcare division. Fingers crossed

World Poultry shortage.......investigations lead to Whakatane

2009-02-11T17:39:00.000-08:00

Tis true, I not long ago polished off approximately 12 chickens worth of honey soy chicken nibbles and swiftly followed them with a rather large portion, almost all of a cream and jam filled family sized chocolate log. Christ, I am grotesque!

Why is it when we realise we have pilled on the pies that we suddenly think it is a grand idea to feed ourselves even more arse widening food. More of the ole, christ I have done it now, what is another 13 cream doughnuts gonna do. GONNA DO!!!!!!!!!, ITS GONNA MAKE YOU FATTER THATS WHAT, YOU THICK AND DUMB TWAT.

Why could I have not had that same conversation with myself two hours ago, oh perhaps it was the shock of watching two turn of the century lesbians rooting each other with a large leather strap on dildo at 11.45am on UK TV! I kid you not, I nearly choked on my chicken! It was supposed to be a comedy, there were boobs, blow jobs, girl on girl and tranvestites aplenty. Certainly something to spice up your lunch time veiwing! The programme was called "Tipping the velvet" and perhaps not for the faint of heart!

Nature V's Nurture

2009-02-11T17:25:00.001-08:00

Well this just pisses all over my big belief that we come into the world with our god given attributes and leave it basically the same. For there is no acconting in this world that can possibly work out how I developed my taste in clothing with my upbringing so it must be nature.......................................If that were true, surely wee Ella-raine would have come up with a better ensemble to start the day in!

Somebody roasting some pork?

2009-02-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

I am trying really hard not to dwell on the fires in Australia as I feel so bloody helpless and terrible and with the weather being the way it is, I feel it mist be connected in some way and that keeps the tragedy firmly placed front of mind.

My natural reaction is wanting to go and help which has brought a few other issues to mind. As being part of the Emergency services we are often put in situations where we would normally fear to tread, but with human nature being the way it is, we do not hesitate to help others where we can. This at times could lead to making fatal decisions, but hell actually putting your life ahead of someone elses is much harder than it should be. I do not know what it is but I really struggle with it. I don't know, religious upbringing? low self worth? overly frickin polite! I have no idea and truly hope that if one day faced with a choice to perhaps die treating another or leaving them to save my own skin, I hope I can have the strength to make latter as I need to take grand children to Africa!

I do have an interesting thought pattern though and do you know what really scares me?
You fricken arsonists, jacking yourself off to your flammed and charred remains buffet. It is going to take much to top this one and I bet you pricks are gonna try and god willing it is not some blooming kiwi trying to out do the bloody Aussies at something for a change!

Feeling Hot Hot Hot

2009-02-11T00:07:00.000-08:00

It is amazingly hot and humid here. 21:10 and the air is like breathing in a steam room, yesterday morning I spent sitting on our back deck in my nightie in the pouring rain and all around me was low fog like cloud. It was one of those special moments were you are wearing a foolish grin and wanting to dance amongst the daisy's.

Today however I had had enough. CH and I had a date today, Eight hours with just each other for company. We decided to play golf together and luckily we know the golf pro so he gave us a golf cart to go aroung the course in. I loved the golf up until around the 12th hole when I completely had enough of smacking the hell out of the ball only to have it skim the surface of the grass and go about 40 meters. I even have blisters and a neck injury! The best bit was the golf cart................................I intend to never go around a course without one as they are the coolest ride, I was giggling my way around, trying to run over Jase, running into bushes on his side of the cart when he gave me shit, hooning over all terrain and realising my bra is not as supportive as I would have liked(CH quickly there with hands outstretched to help me out with that one, who says he is not supportive!)

We very rarely get time alone, so when we are faced with the prospect of it, it is fairly daunting. I reckon we need about three days together to fully enjoy each other as with our action packed morning and being two unfit fat bastards in tropical weather we both felt terrible and craved BK and then promptly went home and watched a DVD and fell asleep!What party animals! The DVD was great by the way, Charlie Wilson's War with Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts

Poppy's Cake

2009-02-09T18:42:00.000-08:00

Since you have missed out on so much of our life I thought I would update you now and then on what you missed out on and in this particular version it is my unashamed gloating of my cake prowess

2009-02-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have just realise I have absolutely no proof of the fabulous summer we have had as I have no photo's! Here is my latest one of the girls(mine are the pink and blue fairy's) and this was taken before Christmas when they put on a show. Here is another one of me taken before Christmas and believe it or not but I was much slimmer then!

Yes the ole diet has not really taken off but the thought is there. I did not go walking yesterday as I was so knackered from my weekend away on my course(valid excuse I thought) today?....well it was the shock of how dark it was at half six this morn! Blimey it was a shock to the system as I have been sort of looking forward to having some cooler days and perhaps having more time indoors but the reality of this morning's darkness pushed all those thoughts away and now I really want to hold on to summer.

However I am not quite finished with summer yet as we are going camping.

CAMPING! I know! a bit shocking for me. I remember long long ago, in a land without children, we decided that every year we would get some camping gear..................we forgot about it and still only have that first purchase........ one torch(which we cannot find) and a airbed(with no pump) now the last weekend in feb will be interesting.

2009-02-02T23:08:00.000-08:00

Blimey can you believe it is the month of Feb already?

Here I am fast approaching my 33rd birthday and completely chasing my arse.

My life is nothing short of hectic at the moment as I am smack in the middle of my Ambulance Diploma, finding it hard to find the time to do the course work and study as well as continue to do a shift at work and continue on life normality as a Domestic Goddess while trying to fit in time for my friends.

At least while I toil at the very minimum I look hot. Perhaps not Jennifer Anniston hot at 40, but a little more chic/rock chick as I am sporting a lesbian short, Macleans white spiky hair do. I decided to do something quite dramatic once I lost all that weight in October. In my usual fashion, Christmas hit halfway through November and now we are in Feb and I am back to the same weight. However I have a plan, just hatched it.......tonight instead of going to the fridge and grabing the container of wonderfully rich homemade fudge. I intend to leave the container in the fridge and only get one piece at a time, so I have to actually get off me arse in order to get another. For any further hints and tips on dieting and exercise, watch this space!

Now the answer to the question all you fitness guru's want to know, YES I will be posting my fudge recipie soon.

Work is fantastic, although doubting my abilities of late but that is almost a given. I attended an armed defenders call out last night. Very exciting, I cannot tell you anything about it but hell was enough to make a little south island white girl shut up and take inventory of my life and realise I could be the luckiest gal in the world, but apparently us 'white' people think differently, or so I was told last night. Yep different world up here.

It has been one year since I joined the service and this weekend I am away all weekend learning some more skills. I cannot wait!....................nothing to do with leaving the children and domestic duties for a whole two nights and three days........................yahooooo......yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!........................................No really, nothing at all mmmmmphhhhhhhh

2009-01-28T17:28:00.000-08:00

As luck would have it, my heart still beats, mouth still works and fingers can still plug a keyboard!

Yes, I know it has been some time but all is well with the world, I now have my computer back and as soon as I can log off from Trade Me(I had severe withdrawls!) I shall be blogging back on a more regular basis.

So stay tuned for some hints and tips on how to be on the bones of your arse and remain there! How to lead an almost normal life with children and not resort to tying them to the clothes line!
One million sausage meat uses and how best to stash a bottle of gin around the house(Nana taught me that one)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2008-10-21T23:51:00.000-07:00

Just a quickie,
Yes I made it well and truly through to seven nearly eight days on the diet and wow looking back it was a really hard slog, days just seem to drag for weeks. I am in day 2 of my going off the diet and I have really made a mistake and did not ease back into eating as I should have and I encourage anyone who will do the detox to take the time as your body deserves it.

How am I feeling? Empowered and really proud I could do the detox. I have a load more energy and people keep commenting on how great my skin looks. Weight loss? Who really knows as my scales are so bad that if you move them slightly around the weight really changes so of a morning I would normally move them around the bathroom until I found a happy spot. As luck would go one day after I stop detoxing and start eating I managed to catch the cold that did the round of my house last week. Should I have stopped?

Day seven!

2008-10-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

Wow made it to here,

Doing well but blooming hungry still and cannot wait for som food, I think I will end it tomorrow. I am feeling really good. Sat night was a challenge as I had to make treats like sausage rolls for CH's poker night and yesterday he nearly lost an eye over making a Bacon Buttie WHO THE HELL WOULD FRY AND EAT BACON IN FRONT OF A STARVING WOMAN! kamakaze behaviour if you ask me.

My spuddies are up and the cows did not completely ruin the garden so I am a happy girl. The soil has a bit too much clay in it for my liking but we shall see how it goes.

Work tonight. Yehaa

Busy Busy week, but the most exciting is it is time to make my chistmas cakes! So exciting!

Wow Day 5

2008-10-18T00:08:00.000-07:00

What a day today was. This morning 5am, put my blooming neck out, the pain was so severe that I could not move it or get to sleep again. CH, bless his cotton socks was most wonderful trying to massage my neck to get it working again while very nearly falling asleep on the job.

7am up and about as I was picking a girlfriend up at 7:30 to go for one hour walk. I was a bit nervous given I am on detox and unsure of energy levels, my neck hurt and there was no way I was putting horrid pain killers in this sacred temple and finally, my arse...........it cannot be trusted to expel wind without a toilet, let alone going for a walk without a toilet.

I also forgot to take toilet paper.

We started our walk, fabulous day up over a mountain with a track that hugged the sea views, the sun was really intense and the smell of the sea and warming sand and clay was just lovely.
Nope still no toilet.

We came across a sign on the track to show our progress and as we had already been going for half and hour, I was very suprised to see 2hrs30min remaining. "YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING?" I spat. As the walk was sold to me as a one hour package but the old bag had screwed with the truth to get us all doing it. Well I could have gone back. Instead I put my big girls pants on and got on as it really was a fabulous day and heck I was childless.

We got within 30min of our destination, awaiting water bottles and a blessed car, when the track just disappeared into the sea. We could see it pick up again on the far side of the bay.

Option 1. We could walk back the way we came.

Now as I was already late as CH knew the walk was to take one hour. I knew he would worry because of my neck and detox. Yep.....you guessed it......no cell coverage.

Option 2. Climb the rocks and cliffs around.

So we did and apart from my blooming sore neck and bitter refusal to leave my water bottle behind it was quite fun. We were walking through and being drenched by the high tide so we took our shoes off and WOW how soft are my feet! It ws blooming painful the sharp rock and shell not to mention we had to judge the waves before we moved and because I was unable to turn my head around, the sound of the waves coming was enough to make you MOVE up that bloody cliff. It is amazing how when you are robbed of one of you sensors how the others just intensify.

But we made it and yes CH was worried and abit pissed at me. Oh well.

BUT the greatest thing was My detox, I still have boundless energy! How cool is that.

Still would really like food. I still have no hunger but just a need for taste. Blasted Jase is having a poker night tonight and I had to get some 'Manfood' What I would have done to have chewed on a Pretzel, and I dislike them. Next I am cooking some sausage rolls....................this may actually kill me.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh tonight one of our neighbours had a BBQ three or four houses away and I swear to you I could smell every individual component of their meal. I said to Jase and one point that they had just put some honey soy chicken pieces on and WHO WOULD DO THAT, SUCH A MESS! and sure enough once they had cooked the teriyaki steak the smell of burning caramel filled the air.

Ideal Christmas Present for the grandparents

2008-10-16T12:12:00.000-07:00

A sign in Opotiki!

Day four ALREADY!

2008-10-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Actually slightly more if I think back to my last meal at 6pm Monday!!!!

How am I feeling, really quite good. No more headache, no hunger, still wanting some comfort food and OH MY GOSH I never ever realised how many fast food advertisements were on the telly! YES I STILL WANT THEM.

Salt water not even tough now, I could slurp up 2lts no problem(but I wont)

Downfalls, pimples on my back and much more emotional than usual. A jumped up little cock really upset me at work and all I could do was turn red and try really hard not to cry, rather than ripping him a new arsehole. The worst of it was I was so worked up and I could not let go that it was all I thought about all night so I now have a sore neck and shoulders from the stress. However I got up and did a vitality Pilates work out and feeling much better. Still wanting revenge however.

Hey all those who know me will know this to be truly odd BUT yesterday Jason was gone by 6am in the morning and usually I would love this and take the opportunity to sleep in BUT within 10 minutes of his leaving I was jogging around our postage sized back lawn! I KNOW! ME!

Day two

2008-10-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Here we are, still not hungry but wanting to have a snack just for something to do.

My salt water drink this morning was hard but I put less salt in and it was easier to drink and still had the same result.

I have a slight frontal lobe headache but apart from that all is well, there is a terrible taste in my mouth however that does not seem to vanish when I brush my teeth.

Mood? Great, perhaps a little frayed by horrid children but still studying well with a great positive outlook.

Yahoo 24 hours!

2008-10-14T00:28:00.000-07:00

Well I made it tho the 27 hour point with no food and all limbs intact.

I have about one more small glass of my lemon concoction and a laxative teabag to drink before bed.

How am I feeling?
Actually pretty good.
No hunger pangs or stomach pains.
Yes I am starting to get a little hungry but really no different than an hour after food normally!
I have a slight headache but that could be staring for hours at a online course
I am a little cold, particulary my feet but all of this could be caused by the fact I worked nightshift last night and did not have my Nana nap this arvo.

Just reading now about other side effects and one was a foul smelling vaginal discharge! Jase cannot wait for that one and anyway just how do toxins get up my holiest of holies!

The Crew

2008-10-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

Here are the gals with their mates on a lovely day in Opotiki, sharing swings, eating fresh berry ice cream out of our own ice cream van and playing all day.

I love our road signs!

2008-10-13T20:22:00.000-07:00

Just outside of Whakatane on the way to Opotiki!

Suckered again!

2008-10-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

Well no not completely suckered, I guess we have paid for a service but why then do I feel so cheated! $10 for a photo and 10 minute potrait sitting, they said. Cunningly on the back of the voucher for said cheapo photo were packages....................exspensive photo packages. HUH I scoffed, who would fall for that silly little marketing ploy........................................

But they had the packages already printed............................................................and what were they going to do, shred our unused likenesses? Yep suckered, I mean how many photo's of you and your fellow do you need?????..........................well there was the wedding!

The pics look a bit weird, I mean who would expect the email copies of the photo for $175!!!! So I had to take a photo of the photo

I am Detoxing

2008-10-13T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well it is here and I started on my lemon detox diet today.

Thus far it is going well except this constant nagging about eating something, not because I am hungry because I assure you I am surprisingly not. It is just the fact I have chosen to do this detox and my bad ass alter ego wants me to fail. That whole cartoon imagery with a little me on either shoulder, one in leather thong and fishnets and the other is in a Choir outfit. That is EXACTLY how I feel. It's a little bit like I have multiple personalities because as much as I am looking forward to the challenge and really want the results the other is telling me to lick the top of the yogurt when I open it for my Children or scoff a biccie before my eyes see it.........BE GONE YOU VENOMOUS WITCH, YES, YOU! IN THE FISHNETS WITH YOUR MUFFIN SPILLING OVER THE TOP.......OF ALL PEOPLE YOU SHOULD BE IN LINE WITH THIS! NO MIRRORS IN EVIL CONSCIENCE LAND!

This morning was terrible and the only bit about the whole diet I was scared of came true with much more horrific clarity than I could have imagined. Drinking warm salty water. Honestly it would be easier drinking a big cupful of some strangers freshly wanked sperm. That is how bad it is.

It is not natural to drink warm salty water, even less natural for it to be a whole darn litre! I just could not do it. I had really convinced myself than it would not be as bad, but upon first mouthful I my eyes watered and I fought desperately not to vomit. I managed about 800mls and that was it. I tried everything, little sips, hold your nose but since the tongue just absorbs salt there is no fooling it, in the end I had to sneak up on the glass while doing bits of house work and even then I was dry retching and had to be close to the sink.

Honestly I did not think it would work but within half an hour of being in my system the floodgates opened, no pain like laxatives just WHOOOSH. The leaflet said it was "effective" and they were not wrong.

Well next test of stamina is dinner time!

2008-10-12T14:32:00.000-07:00

A & P Show

2008-10-12T14:21:00.001-07:00

What a great day I had on saturday, I and some of my fellow St Johns members ran a scenario of two car crashes, Firemen cutting and ripping the tops of cars to get out blood soaked and injured patients and all to be patched and whisked off to hospital and airlifted by helicpter. What a fab time, great training as we do not have too many mulitple car accidents. Great turn out to watch, I have no idea where the crowd come from but the just appeared everything we had a scenario, great community spirit.

I unfortunately was not looking so attractive in my full protective gear, including god awful heavy helmet with visor BUT with so much glass flying about I was indeed thankful.

2008-10-12T14:08:00.001-07:00

Thus far the garden has not been going completely smoothly, I have so far Planted Three types of potato, Swift, so we can have spudes for xmas, Maras Anchor, because I never have and Heather the most lovely flavour of all the spuddies. Then a digger ran them over!

I have also planted corn. Then the bastard cows got into the paddock a had a good ole hoe down party in said garden. Arghhhhhhhhhhh

Nevermind I shall drive out and inspect the damage tomorrow.

I also have planted seeds in my hot house made from Pegs, plastic, sting and a wire clothes horse. City lights silver beet, basil, mint, courgettes, pumpkin, six types of cherry toms and some marrigold for pest control. So far a week on the silverbeet has peeped through, one tomato and a courgette! Where are my pumpkins, I saved the seeds from this most amazing pumpkin years ago and am beginning to think that there was more too it than just planting them. SHould I have broken the outside shell? Who knows.

Rejoice, we had our first strawberry yesterday from our herb garden, cut into quarters but it was just delicious and the essential taste of summer

Hopefully we will somehow work out how to get water there this week.

Priority One, lights ans sirens please

2008-10-12T13:51:00.002-07:00

Well although my blog appears normal but you are now reading the blog of a fully trained Ambulance driver! What no ear drum shattering applause!!

I am rapt, I was so very nervous, terrified of failiure that I did not even let you know I was going on a course. How silly of me but you all know what a swotty geek I am and this was something I could study very little for but still I was tied up in knots and cringeing at the mere thought. But I passed with flying colours and can now officially drive with lights and sirens going. Really fantastic course, my favourite bit of all was learning what ABS braking was like and how it would feel in a situation where you were going at speed and you had to stop in a heck of a hurry. What an amazing tool as I have this fear of having an accident and the brakes "lock up" although I have not a clue what this means but because it is bandied about willy nilly and usually combined with a frightful look, I gather it is not a good thing. Well this ABS braking eliminates all of that but although not so good for drifting around corners. Sadly I think I have discovered my inner car girl as I was wonderfully alive and high on life for the entirety of the braking and speed exercises, just giggling my way through it all. VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMmmmmmmmmmm

Living the good life again

2008-09-30T00:38:00.000-07:00

Oh did I tell you what I spent Sunday doing? Bum up and head down pulling weeds I tell you! We have got a friend with a lifestyle block just sitting there so we have embarked on a garden to feed our family, fantastic!

Lemon detox a GOOOOOOOO well at least in a week or two after I have eaten a few things

2008-09-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

I worked last night and it was my worst night ever. No, I was not face to face with with death and horrid accidents. I was simply incompetent. I have never made so many foolish mistakes in the history of my life and kept blundering from one to another and everytime staring blankly in complete wonder at my total bulls up.

Do not fret it was not life or death stuff but I was a ditz and finding my shortfalls really hard to cope with today. How foolish but hell what a fright, have I suddenly turned into a airhead? More importantly do the big boobs and blonde hair come with it?

Actually I think the latter does. I threw a big wobbly at my hair about a month ago and vowed and declared to lob the mess off once and for all. A month on I still feel the same so I have decided to give it another month and allow to grow as much of the ratshit colour out then shave it off and dye the rest blonde. I am so very sick of dying my hair dark only to awake a day or so later with buggery grey bits poking through. I know, I know being a blonde is hardly going to magic away my silver threads but in the very least I hope to disguise it more. Besides it will be the shortest hair I will have ever had and to be truthful I cannot imagine it to look that good as I am all old and warty with a massive head but still I feel like doing it. Yes you are right, perhaps my senses have taken leave.

Lordy I have also been real bad again and just spent more money on a detox diet.. Yes my latest thing as I feel so very crap and have decided that with my new exercise plan that I need something else, a clean slate perhaps. So I have purchase the "lemon diet detox" and I will explain the process later but for now if I can just believe the claims made I will be feeling amazing within seven days of the detox and really really wanting that. I shall keep you posted.

Off to do an Ambulance driving course/test this weekend and given last nights performance.....................................I am shitting my pants......argh........breathe..........

What we had for dinner last night

2008-09-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

Lamb steaks on a bed of garlic and lemon sauteed spinach, drizzled with a Tahini sauce and served with a lovely Morrocan lentil and rice pilaf.
Lovely

I also made Cherry, Coconut, white chocolate and cream cheese muffins, sounds good but dissapointing really

Give me strength

2008-09-25T13:12:00.000-07:00

I well and truly fell off the wagon yesterday, I had Chocolate Cake, coke, chips, Burger king's new burger(which I enjoyed) a snickers bar and about 12 Cadbury's Roses Chocolates(give or take a few as it was a bit of a feeding frenzy) and to be honest I feel like repeating the process today accept I would get some higher quality chocolates...........................Now there is an Idea

2008-09-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

Hmmn, just in case you were wondering what my children would look like if they look like their daddy

Women are amazing

2008-09-24T02:29:00.000-07:00

Apart from the fact I am too much of a bitch, really like men, love make up and the thought of going down of a woman's fishy hairy bits repulsive I reckon I would make a great lesbian.

We just had one of our gals nights out on tues night and it was the usual story I was looking for a way out within seconds of getting the invite and really would have rather stayed home in my skody dressing gown being spooned my CH watching crappy telly. I am so glad I went as I am surrounded by the coolest bunch of ladies, all amazing with skills I would love to emulate. It was such a fantastic night, we laughed non stop for hours, HAD PUDDING, HAD WINE and talked about the most ridiculous things from New Zealand Modern history, to chocolate bar flavours in England(yes I will be futher investigating this one). It is honestly just amazing to get about with a group of people that really are at a similar time and place as you and all seem to be the full quid. Encouraging really.

The pain the pain

2008-09-24T02:09:00.000-07:00

I swear to you that this is the gods honest truth.

I have been walking every day for the last five days!!!!!!!!

I KNOW!!!!!! its hysterical but this is the most exercise I have done in my adult life and I am a bit chuffed(and chaffed) with myself actually.

We have yet another house guest here and I took her out for a walk to join us and I thought we were going to have to carry her at one point, but on the upside while she was as red as a berry and on the point of collapse I was jogging on the spot. Man she must have been really hating me at that moment but the point being that just a few short weeks ago that exploding tomato face was me and my my I have improved.

I still cannot claim to be enjoying the whole exercise thing but it is really impacting on my life. As you all know, one of my joys in life is my afternoon(or whenever I can) 'Nana Naps' Geez I just love them and keep trying to find new and interesting excuses to have them. This week however I could not. Now I really really did try and have put the hard yards in to get myself into dribbling slumber but without success. Hell I even pulled the curtains one day and even on the day I really needed sleep as I worked the night shift Monday night. I just could'nt! I really do seem to have much more energy, perhaps exercise is not evil after all................!!?#!? did I just type that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........perhaps aliens really have taken over my body. That could actually explain alot.

Rain of the Children

2008-09-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

I am quite this morning, a little lost in my own thoughts and more than comfortable with it

After waiting months to see this lastest Vincent Ward offering I finally got to go last night. What an experience, it was visually amazing with many scenes that squeezed your heart and tightened your chest and made it impossible to breathe with the only possible relief was to let the tears flow and hope the person sitting next to you has the manners to ignore you entirely.

I urge you all to go, as I am sure it is the best telling of some of our more recent history, It certainly will not answer your questions but will peak your curiosity and urge you to seek knowlege. I loved seeing Puhi footage from the original doco, to see how she moved and the words chose and her polished leather skin. I really liked her son Niki and I am sure if he was around now he would be the most amazing man to speak with. He was something special, and for the sake of his family I am glad they can now be proud rather than just not mention him. I am not sure it will translate as well on DVD, this is something you must see on the big screen.

Oh Puhi and to all your lost children my thoughts are with you today.

2008-09-20T02:51:00.000-07:00

Well I have a new badge to sew on my parental brownie smock!

Today we ventured into the unknown territory of 'Family Potraits' Many of our friends have well travelled this path and the fruits of their labour grace their wall, but today was a first for us and it was blooming horrible.

In fact I cannot even discuss it as the flash backs are too much but here are is the short version,

Sleepless night wondering what to wear.
A whole morning changing my mind.
Putting makeup on for the first time in ages and feeling like a $5 hooker
Pops screaming, picking her nose or finger in her ear digging
Ella with the cheesiest pose
Bribery with Ice cream

All this for a ten minute sitting and a $10 photo and then they will charge you hundreds of $ to get more photos

2008-09-20T02:38:00.001-07:00

I know you will find this near on impossible to believe BUT out of the last seven days I have exercised for four of them! Yes and next the seas will be boiling and plagues of locusts will strip your crops!

I must admit my motivation for getting out of the house as I realised something quite important last week. I have very limited patients for sick people, even those I love more than life itself. Quite an epiphany really as this is coming from someone who really thought Nursing would be a great career choice.

It has been a hell of a couple of weeks with poor Ella getting a bilateral Tonsillectomy/adnoid/grommets and the poor lil bugger is still in pain but constantly jacked up on Strawberry pamol. I think she has a problem and we are going to have to go cold turkey on the sweetened syrup. Mind you if you listen to the lastest media releases she should perhaps not have it anyway. Both my children have had pamol since their first immunisation as directed by the doctor and both have Asthma.

The scary part is that her attitude is so very bad I came within a hares breath of headbutting her when she was throwing a Oscar winning giant tantrum in my arms! Scary stuff! Next I will be cutting off CH’s Bullocks for leaving the toilet seat up!

But as horribly tough this past fortnight has been it has been really amazing to watch my little girls world open up and see her face light up when she hears something she has never heard before like an air plane flying over head or gravel hitting under the car on a road, weird things that we all take for granted but are just magic for her.

So begins another week, once again we will have an extra guest in our home to take care of, I need to study and for the love of god I need to learn to back the Ambo using only mirrors I JUST CANNOT SEEM TO DO IT WITHOUT TURNING AROUND! I also need to see the latest Vincent Ward flick but it is only here for one week and who can I con to go with me. I will also endeavour to exercise some more and eat more vegetables, contemplate more on my latest idea of shaving my head and come up with new and interesting ways to squeeze more time into my day.

Best thing since baby wipes!

2008-08-30T02:14:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe what a dork I have been for all these years. Mother's everywhere proclaimed and rejoiced of the power of Phenergan. I of course sitting upon my white steed of Mummy purity could do nothing but cast disaproving looks in their direction. Not to mention the distaste I felt when going to the pharmacy looking for a carsickness remedy and finding my only option for a three year old was to drug them!

Marvellous stuff, I cannot believe I took so long and put up with so much carsickness and near divorce brought on by crying children and long journeys. It turned a nine hour, god forsaken car ride into a six and a half hour joy ride! Words cannot explain but get ye to your local pharmacy and purchase, although it is not reccomended for the under two, but in days of old it was and I used it on pops who is not quite two and what a difference! I am thinking of having a swig or two myself!

2008-08-30T02:04:00.000-07:00

“Look at my arse!”
“My dad is a dick”
“When is your hair going to fall out like grandad’s?”
“SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP”
“She’s a big one!” (at the supermarket commenting on people)
“I want to be FAT, I want to be FAT!” (again at the supermarket and aimed at said people)
“Why should I?”

Just a small sample of the many new phrases Ella seems to have picked up on her holiday.

Oh the next week or two are going to be hell as whilst we were away this child was showered in sugar and bathed in lemonade, allowed to run riot and completely forgot all the manners I have taught her. Oh she was a clever bunny and fully realised I could do didly sqat to punish her while the granparents were around and she lorded it over me whenever she could. You gotta admire the stones on her really.

Poor girl, as much as she is testing my patients she really is a deaf as a post and serving a brilliantly well thought of telling off is just not the same when you expect tears at the finish and all you get is “What?” or “Huh?” It has just lost its sting by then.

Thinking about doing some sort of reward/sticker/sparkly bead/marble behaviour modifier......................................yes............... armpits growing hairy and preparing to hug trees as you read.

2008-08-29T02:12:00.000-07:00

Home at last, 4kg’s heavier and significantly more warty but home none the less. It has been one heck of a trip really and I do intend to bore you all with descriptions of all the WC’s from Whakatane to Ashburton. Including Ella’s most favourite toilet and also her top ten choice in fabric to be carsick on.

But right now I must take my leave and rest my travel weary self and for the first time in two in a half weeks not share my bed with one of my snoring farty children.

Helllllooooooooooooooo

2008-08-11T01:04:00.000-07:00

Haaah! thought I had left blog world in favour of afternoon dates with Jeremy Kyle, did you?
Well because of your 'glass is half full attitude' you are rewarded by your persistence and here is a the next exciting installment of the life according to me.

Hush.....................calm yourself and allow to walk in my shoes for a couple of moments.

Last month was pretty blooming horrid, day after day of children. Unfortunately mine. Unrelentless battles with the sole running of the house, hills....nay MOUNTAINS of laundry and no CH to fold them. I absolutely detest folding washing and with CH being away for nearly two months it really bites. I even tried to ignore the mountain on the couch and hoped I could leave it long enough for CH to come home and work his magic on the weekends. Sigh it would have worked but I felt guilty.

I really was doing exceptionally well with this sole parenting gig and was beginning to enjoy it. I also was fast approaching that oh so dangerous territory of self relience and getting all Alpha figure on poor CH when he came home for weekends.

Last week however I was feeling a little under appreciated, it had been a hard one. Ella's hearing has got really poor and god bless her cotton socks it is not her fault but hell it makes for a long day, I was also gagging to be out of the house working for people other than my children and needing to worry about someone else's problems for a change and was very aware that it was because of CH that I could not go. Oh yes I realise things cannot change and it is a short term thing but feck I am not a saint and realised I was about to loose my rag. My fault really, I chose to have a "talk" to CH while he had MAN FLU, by all accounts it would have killed a normal man. Anyhoo I prattled on and saw that oh so familar clouded blank look and got nil result. I then cursed myself on the timing, he had been busy and was unwell, how selfish am I.

Thursday I finally broke. Totally unplanned. Feck it we are not exactly flush but I deserve it and I decided that I was going to buy a pair of boots I had been wanting for a year. I found this fantastic pair of red ankle boots, on sale. Hmmn not what I came in for. I was also skeptical on the longevity of ankle boots, they were a great price. SOLD.

I spotted a brown pair of tall leather and suede combination, again not what I came in for, but they fitted so well and looked great.........they were on sale, under half price SOLD

Found them! A pair of tall black boots with a sturdy but still unsensible heel, I finally found what I went shopping for SOLD

Now by my calculation by buying three pairs of boots in a huge sale, I had saved CH $400. Well thats money in the bank really.................................so with it I bought two new skirts, new eye shadow and a lovely mascara.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph......................I have been a bad bad girl and was feeling somewhere between giggling school girl and fuck I spent this months grocery money. Cringe

Surprisingly all my previous 'woe is me' was gone and was replaced with the realisation than CH was going to rip me a new one. I had done wrong, deserved a bullocking.

I came clean Via text. Ahhh modern convienience I knew he could not call as he was in meetings. Should ever I need to admit to adultery this would be my choosen method, hey I could even add a picture if words were not clear enough. Second thoughts the phone camera is pretty harsh, terrible lighting.......

Anyway he just laughed. Crisis Averted! Phew.

Now I mentioned Ella earlier and am pleased to tell you that on September 10th she finally gets her ears operated on and will hear properly. Apparently now she hears the equivelent of listening underwater. I am pleased, but as I had the same operation at the same age and I still remember the pain vividly. I am nervous for her. Her world is just going to bloom and as her mouth goes full speed now I am almost in fear! She is so funny at the moment and is getting quite adept at taking the piss. I have no idea why I am suprised, looking at her parents.

Pops, well what can I say she is just as lovely as she is naughty. She is such an old soul and forever amazes me at the moment my favourite thing is the way she thanks me for things that do not require thanks, like tonight she had a couple of eczema patches on her thigh so I got some cream and rubbed them on, once I had finished she looked me straight in the eye and said a heartfelt, Thankyou.

It is not an excuse but I shall not be entering any more blogs for a couple of weeks, no not because I am "busy" or lazy it is the simple fact I will gallavanting around NZ. So take care everyone, all is well. No I am not slim as treadmill and diet stopped. We can start again later.

2008-07-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, it has been awhile.
Yes, I have fallen off the old exercise wagon, try as I might to listen to your words of wisdom and coaching, I still chucked it in. Three weeks of busting my ass on the treadmill, coupled with watching what I ate and still not a kilo lost of waist to be found anywhere! I EVEN ATE CARROT STICKS!!!!!! I FRICKEN HATE CARROT STICKS!

However this week starts afresh, with new energy and determination. Plus I have one hell of a detox to do as it a weekend of gluttony, drinking and ciggarettes. You all know that these days I am a cheap date and can giggle on the smell of a bar cloth. This weekend myself and a couple of gal pals decided to cut the cord, ditch our phones and disappear in to a bottle of wine or two over lunch. We were expected home about 3ish.

What a lovely day, you expect that when you go out with a group of gals to have fun but essentially spending a extended amount of time with people you only ever see for an hour or two could get a bit stale and forced. No such luck here ladies we just chatted and drunk and laughed until we nearly peed our panties for nine hours! It was so much fun and a real chance to blow off steam and the cool thing was very little of our children was spoken, it was just fab to find out more about each other and break to 'Mummy mould'

However I drunk far too much and by 1am I was remembering why I did not drink often and to rub salt into the woulds my darling eldest had a terrible high temp and I had to sleep with her yelling random phrases like "I want jam and marmite!" "NOOOOOOOOO Poppy dont hit me!" all the while the room was spinning.

To make matters worse CH seemed to have the pip with me all the next day which of course I took Oh so well.......................................................................We are screwed really, we get shirty at them for calling and asking stupid questions or if we check on them and they are panicking we get grumpy and even if they are cool with everything the entire next day we still feel guilty and just look for any innuendo or double meaning to jump on. Sigh. We will grow up one day.

2008-07-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it I have put on one kg! Why did I ever start dieting?
I am stunned................................................speechless

2008-07-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

Alright, It has been eight days since I have started my new exercise regieme. I have been on the treadmill for five of those days and eaten healthy for two of them. I can honestly say I have worked hard and sweated so much that the first time it happened my scalp got really itchy and prickly and I suddenly remebered that Ella had brought a letter home from daycare about a lice infestation.............................................I was imagining my hair alive with little crayfish!

Anyhoo, I have stood on the scales every fricken day and the bastard still goes up.

Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

I am sure I could have continued sitting on my arse shoveling packets of choc delights into my gob and still had this result. If any of you are chatting to god in the next wee while, please mention I love his sense of mirth but would he consider a reward based incentive scheme, just to see the little arrow move down every once and a while would be grand.

2008-07-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

I am such an over anxious dork. I cannot help it as the protective she wolf in me was heightened this week. There is this chap who works for the same company as CH and the long story short the fellow has some issues that have included crying for hours down the end of the phone or in person to CH about the stress of work, he needed help, we all have encouraged and been there for him for months. He had a bad time a month or two and spoke of how he wanted to end his life. From that point I felt like he was unpredictable and no longer comfortable alone with him. His work put him on stress leave and took him to someone to talk to and tried to make things better but alas his work ethics got so much worse and they have let him go. Before they did this they got his councillors opinion on what his stability was like and how he would handle such an event.

Well luckily CH was not involved in the decision or implementation but as you can imagine it did not go well and now he has threatened the life of not only himself but my husband and a few others.

As soon as I heard this was happening I was worried and now that this chap has threatening behaviour I am even more worried. So tonight I even double checked the locks. How silly is that? The worst part is of how quickly all these bad thoughts came into my head and the thought process behind what I would do if I had nothing to loose a score to settle. Geez sometimes I scare myself and thank god I am not a psycho serial killer as I would never get caught! But that got me to thinking at what point in our life is the decision made to be good or evil?

Of course we have all done some unspeakable things, be them minor or major and mostly all learning curves and that does not mean we are bad. When is all lost?

That case this week in Australia about the grandfather murdering his wife and grandchildren with an axe, was disturbing. Wrong on so many levels. The man must have been fundamentally broken, put together wrong. How? I cannot comprehend.

In some ways I am also relieved that this case had an effect. So often these days we are flooded with a smorgasbord of rape, murder, famine and disaster we yawn and continue with our day. So desensitised. I am so bad that I am watching a TV programme (DEXTER) and on the show the character is a serial killer and the is another serial killer and I like them both and want them to team up! Can you believe that! OK so it is only a programme but hell liking the main character who moonlights as a serial killer, that is just wrong!

Catch!

2008-07-02T01:19:00.000-07:00

Gosh darn it I was within a hare's breath of delivering a baby into our world on my last shift, Contactions 4 mins apart by the time we got to her and we were 20minutes away, I was sooooooo excited but foiled again as we managed to get said patient to the delivery suite before she delivered.

Apparently I will not be so keen once I have cleaned up the Ambulance after a baby arrives......................................................nahh still keen

And the fab wife award goes to.............................

2008-06-26T02:25:00.000-07:00

Last week CH had his first meeting as the great big boss of everyone. He spent days on his presentation and powerpoint.

Unfortunately his laptop died and he had to borrow our home laptop to run the presentation on the projection screen.

He opened 'Documents' then clicked on the 'Jason' folder and on the huge fuck off screen popped up two folders one 'Managers Meeting' the other '100 sex mistakes'

OMG!!!!! Months earlier I had downloaded the file for a joke and had not got rid of it (I mean he might have read it and I would have been the benificiary!)

Yes as you can imagine my name is a bit muddy at present.

Mummy has a big fat arse do daaa do daaaaa

2008-06-26T02:13:00.000-07:00

Well the shite hit the fan today ladies, I went to get dressed this morning and admittedly my wardrobe has shrunk dramatically in the last couple of months but this morning I was given little choice but to wear CH's fricken jeans!(camera pans left to a running hippo in slow motion)

Luckily I have hit the treadmill three times this week, which is exactly tree times more than I have ever done before. I have also done three mornings of abdominal exercises and so far the last three times I have weighed myself today I am heavier than when I started this while damn crusade.

Yes yes I know all the crap and next week I will stop eating a packet of mint slices for a TV snack.

2008-06-24T02:25:00.000-07:00

Ok all you Yummy Mummy's out there listen up.

At my last gal pal get together I was told about this child Phsychologist, I forget his name, Winnacot I think but that is besides the point and this is what counts.

Ask yourself are you a Good Enough Mother?

Yes, is the answer! Of course you are even on your worst day you are a Good Enough Mother.

Why? well his theory was this, if you think about it, being a Good mother may not be the best thing for your child, being the Super Mum who does everything with their offspring, anticipates every need and helps overcome every trial and points to a clear way on how to behave and think is doing little to promote free thinking, problem solving, imagination, creating personality except moulding little mini me's. Besides we are not our childrens personal entertainment centre, I would go batty!

In this day in age with all the pressure we have to raise our children and all the second guessing and what if's that follow us to bed at night. We need to relax and realise we turned out just fine and my Parents favourite parenting method was yelling "Get out there and play and be back by the time the street lights turn on" Imagine saying that? Christ I nearly get heart palpitations just thinking about it. OK so I may not get so realxed anytime soon to do that but I am more than comfortable with saying "I am a good enough Mother!"

2008-06-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

2008-06-24T02:11:00.000-07:00

2008-06-24T01:45:00.000-07:00

2008-06-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Oh Miss Three is growing up as this is proof she has left her balloon and clown phobia with her Nappies.

ENOUGH!

2008-06-22T13:39:00.000-07:00

My horrific and gluttonous eating habits have finally been given their leave. This weekend after a run in with several creamed lamingtons I weighed myself. I knew it was getting bad as I have little winter clothes that do not cut of circulation. I have managed to get right back to 75kgs, that means I have put on 4kgs since Feb. Bugger it.

Today starts a new lifestyle change, I got up at 6.30am and walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes then did 30 Ab King crunches and followed with a dairy free spiralina/flaxseed and fruit packed smoothie. ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

I actually felt really good after except I hate to sweat and as I was sweating I was getting itchy especially my scalp, then I started thinking LICE! I have never had lice but Ella's daycare has just had an outbreak. WHAT IF IT WAS LICE! I did however manage to rise above and resist getting CH to have a look for cooties as that would have just added to my femme fatale.

It is currently 9am, I have showered and tidied up the breakfast dishes and am about to get the house in some sort of order. Problem.............I am knackered and feel like a nap. Such a pathetic amount of exercise, what an unfit gimp.

All is not completely bad on the ole figure front Miss Three yesterday declared that her Mummy had great boobies................................obviously her taste in irrefutably fantastic but I must say that 'love is blind' and if only I can get her to say 'Mummy you look fantastic!'

Crap I am yawning so I had best get up and get going before I convince myself a nap is justified
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

2008-06-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

Lordy sometimes I know I am prone to being a wee bit OCD but for the love of god I am beginning to think I am not OCD enough. One of my fears is being trapped with my family in a car that is submerging, you know the stuff of nightmares. I am often caught thinking worst case scenario and how to get out of those tight spots. I do not thinkof it as a morbid anxiety building pass time but more as a seeker of knowledge.

I almost thought I had at least stopped thinking about this until it happened and killed someone I knew this week. Luckily I had only met her the once but I have friend who knew her well and I cannot seem to stop thinking of the events as they may or may not have unfolded. It is haunting me.

There is some good information on the Mythbusters sight but I need more investigation, apparently there is a tool for your glovebox for smashing windows and cutting seat belts, oh crap I know its a little silly but I just have to source them

knock knock

2008-06-04T02:20:00.000-07:00

Hey this will make you laugh, Me, myself and I have decided to write a book!

GASP.................But you cannot spell!.........is it in English or your first language?

Yeah I know, but I feel it coming and hell why not. I thought the first one should be about what I know and that is not about being a parent, so I am clinging to what little I remember of my youth and writing of my OE. If at the very worst I will have got it all down on paper and have it to remind me of life before children.

2008-06-04T01:59:00.000-07:00

As you all know I work on the back of an Ambulance..........................for free........to help others and my community and as I am the type of geek who takes immense joy from helping others and it really makes me feel good about myself.

I was desperate to get out of the house so I worked Sat night, I still had bung eye, looked like shite but thought I would just keep them clean and get on with it. Pager went off about 4am, bounced out the door and went to deal with this fellow and while cureing his ills, it came up I had children and he said 'Wow, you have children, you do not look old enough too (by this stage I was beaming) and besides you do not have a............oh no dont worry" You see that wee gap, that unfinished sentance, well I will tell you what the bugger did just before he said "oh no dont worry" the bugger looked at my lower belly.

Oh gosh I know, I bleat all the time about being a porker while yet I shove some other delicious morsel in my gob. I am nearly at rock bottom and I am thinking of getting a piece of exercise equipment! I know a bit rash and will most likely live out its days as a place to dry my towel, but I have hope, just a little low on will power.

It has to happen as I am a prime candidate for a heart attack or late onset diabeties and blooming heck I want to giggle with my great grand kids and be buggered if I will have that taken. Although with my commitment to doing pelvic floors I will be wearing a nappy when giggling with my great grand children.

I will go for a walk tomorrow!

Be alert as lerts are hard to find these days

2008-06-04T01:34:00.000-07:00

If there was a little red button next to the bottle of gin in the 'Break in case of emergency' box, I do believe I would have pushed it.

Ladies I have broken the cardinal rule "use in times of need" and let my children watch endless Television over the last week or so.

I know I got greedy. It was just too easy. I normally was only a user for good, like cooking tea or showering alone and over the past week while having everything but bubonic plague it became part of the day while I hid in my room. It's ok I always left them with an open packet of chips and bottle coke each(hey worked for dad................while I sat in the car for hours...... dont panic he opened the window!)

Now today back to life normal and the TV has lost its magic and the children can no longer be trusted to be glued to the mat for the Go Show. They have started ignoring it and nothing is safe, new and inventive ways to foil my day, I have had to child lock almost everything. It is a constant battle, Pops is like a tasmanian devil on crack and running about from crime to crime, anything with a switch is turned, anything with a hole is filled, anything parts is operated on, It is almost time to turn all power off at the mains before I shower or go to the loo!

I may have to play a bit of bad cop and put the girls on no supply for awhile. The Eldest called my bluff this morning, I asked her to put something in her bedroom and she said "I dont feel like it" so I said "Well I do not feel like letting you watch the telly then as it is only for good girls"

The little bugger went up to the telly and turned it off!

She has also started putting 'Bloody' in front of most words, luckily with her speech its sound like 'flubby'............................yes I am currently chewing of soap as I write